Daughter upset she's not the best at anything

[Anonymous]

Comparison is the thief of joy.

[Anonymous]

Nobody should be excellent at anything without much effort. It always backfires later. When everything comes easily to kids, it is hard when this ends (and it almost always does).

[Anonymous]

I have three kids - DD1, who excels academically, DS who excels athletically, and DD2 who isn’t really great at anything. And it bums her out sometimes, when she thinks about it.
But DD2 works so hard and has the best work ethic out of the three - by far. She asks me to quiz her on flashcards before a test, she makes quizlets, she asks for extra sports lessons.
DD1 has never made a flashcard in her life and doesn’t know what a quizlet is, but aces all standardized tests. The sad thing is, DD1 is now in high school and drowning. She just doesn’t know how to study or work hard or just even TRY. Everything always came easy to her... up to a point.
DD2 will, guaranteed, be my most successful child. I have no doubt.
I say celebrate and cherish your hard-working child. The fact that she strives to be better and has a peer group that pushes her is amazing. My DD1 has chosen a peer group that is less than motivated and it’s such a bummer. She has so much “potential” but I fear she will never use it.

[Anonymous]

I thought you were going to say DD1 was now in college or grad school. To have labelled her as the family academic basically based grade school experience is not great. You don’t do your children favors by thinking of them like that so early.

TLDR: Grade school is super easy. Some kids are precocious learners but turn out to be average. Other kids are late bloomers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought you were going to say DD1 was now in college or grad school. To have labelled her as the family academic basically based grade school experience is not great. You don’t do your children favors by thinking of them like that so early.

This is OP -- I haven't labelled my child anything, except to say that she is an absolutely incredible kid!

She is certainly not labelled the "family academic" -- where did you get that? I said she has to work hard to get As.

[Anonymous]

Oh I see, you were responding to the previous poster!

[Anonymous]

If she wants to be the best at something, she needs to work harder. It sounds like she wants to be exceptional without effort. That's not a gift in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she wants to be the best at something, she needs to work harder. It sounds like she wants to be exceptional without effort. That's not a gift in the long run.

She knows that. I think the problem is that there is really nothing she's very passionate about, that she cares enough to devote the hours needed to be the best at it.

She works very hard at things she does, so she's no slacker. She's really not strong in math, but she puts in a lot of hours at her homework and studying for tests, so that's how she brings home good grades. She works very hard at it. She's got more natural talent in other courses, but still even with her hard work, isn't the student who wins the National History Day awards or the writing competitions.

She's just not exceptional at anything (in her opinion).

I try to suggest things I think she may excel in with some effort (photography and orienteering come to mind) but she refuses these suggestions. I don't know why, but I think it is because she is very social and doesn't think these things are going to be areas where she will be interested and have friends. (Also she just doesn't want to listen to me.) I'm frustrated because she is unhappy but won't listen to my suggestions or take my advice, I guess. But that is just part of being the parent of a teen I suppose.

[Anonymous]

Who needs a passion? That’s ridiculous. She’s fine. I would deemphasize all this competitive BS stuff. If she says, I’m not “the best,” assure her that it’s fine not to be the best. Maybe people are “the best” are deeply unhappy or stressed out or change the interest as they get older. Give her the freedom to explore, fail, try new things, have FUN and be adventurous!

[Anonymous]

If she really wants to be great at something, then with the lack of a personal passion. she needs to pick something that is convenient, accessible, so she has the chance to practice it over and over. She works at for a year or two

[Anonymous]

OP- part of it is DC. I used to live in DC and I'm now in the Midwest (obviously, still addicted to DCUM). It just seems that DC is a competitive area with a lot of high achievers-- it's hard for kids (and from what I can tell, adults too) to be happy with themselves when they see others achieving things at an elite level.

I could give all kinds of perspective-taking advice, but I don't know if that's helpful to a teen. If they were great about perspective, delayed gratification, and not blowing things out of proportion, they wouldn't be teens. As mature adults, we know the secrets to happiness or at least contentment-- fulfilling work, an engaged intellect, healthy relationships, financial stability, opportunities for exploration/culture, contribution, etc. This would all sound very boring to a teen, but life is long.

I think as a parent, you just have to let your DD know the specific things about her that make you proud as they come up-- her hard work, acts of kindness and friendship, responsible decision making, etc. Remind her that finding a passion doesn't always mean finding a personal talent-- it can mean finding a hobby/interest (traveling, cooking, culture, etc) or a cause that she cares about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she wants to be the best at something, she needs to work harder. It sounds like she wants to be exceptional without effort. That's not a gift in the long run.

She knows that. I think the problem is that there is really nothing she's very passionate about, that she cares enough to devote the hours needed to be the best at it.

She works very hard at things she does, so she's no slacker. She's really not strong in math, but she puts in a lot of hours at her homework and studying for tests, so that's how she brings home good grades. She works very hard at it. She's got more natural talent in other courses, but still even with her hard work, isn't the student who wins the National History Day awards or the writing competitions.

She's just not exceptional at anything (in her opinion).

I try to suggest things I think she may excel in with some effort (photography and orienteering come to mind) but she refuses these suggestions. I don't know why, but I think it is because she is very social and doesn't think these things are going to be areas where she will be interested and have friends. (Also she just doesn't want to listen to me.) I'm frustrated because she is unhappy but won't listen to my suggestions or take my advice, I guess. But that is just part of being the parent of a teen I suppose.

Quite honestly, this is most adults, though. I love to sing, but never did anything much other than sing in small churches or pursue voice lessons of any kind, though I looked into it once. I have had this same discussion with my children, too, that if you want to excel at something you obviously have to practice, a lot. Most of us are just ordinary and will never find that thing we are super passionate about, and that's ok. Living a life that is comfortable and full of love and laughter is accomplishment enough. That may sound trite, but not enough people have this in their lives. My 14 yr old has said that if DC could live the same kind of life we do now as an adult, DC will be happy. That's all I can hope for.. that they will be happy with their lives, and themselves.

[Anonymous]

She is not passionate about anything and therefore does not work hard to be the best. Nothing wrong with that except she is unhappy about it. She needs to get over this. This is most people and not a reason to be unhappy.

[Anonymous]

It’s good to learn this lesson early: there will always be someone smarter, stronger, faster, prettier, richer, etc. Once you realize that, you start to care less about being the best and start becoming more comfortable in your own skin. The goal should be to be the best that YOU can be, whatever that means for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who needs a passion? That’s ridiculous. She’s fine. I would deemphasize all this competitive BS stuff. If she says, I’m not “the best,” assure her that it’s fine not to be the best. Maybe people are “the best” are deeply unhappy or stressed out or change the interest as they get older. Give her the freedom to explore, fail, try new things, have FUN and be adventurous!

100% agree. Teach her how to pick up and travel solo, so she can jump around the world in her 20s, having an amazing time rather than chasing a passion that is more competitive than internal!