Please help me figure out how to handle friend's difficult children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take one older kid at a time. They will probably behave better that way and it will still give the mom some help.

Don’t hesitate to tell the mother - and the kids - exactly why they aren’t welcome to come together. “You don’t follow the house rules when you come together and it’s too exhausting for me to supervise so closely. Let’s see if you can behave better if you visit without your brother and then he will get a turn next time.”

Will definitely try this - thank you!

Don’t try this unless you want your friend to think you’re a total asshole.

NP. Disagree. The kids will probably be more manageable individually. OP wants to help and needs to find a more realistic way of doing it.

Also, the 6 year old should be in school but that's not a problem that OP can solve.

I was referring to the suggestion that OP lecture the mom and kids about why OP isn’t willing to take both anymore. Telling an overwhelmed mom of newborn twins that she’s doing a shitty job parenting her older children and they’re nightmares as a result isn’t going to accomplish anything because mom doesn’t have the bandwidth right now to make major changes. It will just make the mom feel terrible and completely alienate her as a friend.

[Anonymous]

Everyone saying "the kids need to be in school" that's great, I agree, but that's NOT HELPFUL to OP. Not her kids, not her choice. She's asking what SHE can do.

[Anonymous]

Stop having them over. She’s not going to appreciate advice about how misbehaved they are or you “parenting” them.

Take a lasagne or muffins over every week if you feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

I agree with many of the PPs about this not being your job and you are kind to help out. I have been in your friend’s position in that what was most helpful to me was when someone offered to take my oldest for a play date (my kids are in public school and I don’t have twins, yikes!) My son has ADHD and while he is sweet, he can be a LOT to handle and I so so appreciated the parents who would have him over when he was a wild and crazy preschooler so I could rest at home with my baby.

If you want to continue having the kids over, I would try to have them both together. Having just one over will make the other kid miserable and jealous and doesn’t give the mom a break at all.

As for the play dates, let go of the anxiety about how they are playing with toys. Maybe in your house, your kids play with legos and then put them away before moving onto a puzzle. But that is not typical and definitely not how it works at my house. Put away any breakables and ask the kids to keep all the toys in one room. Don’t ask them to clean up. Give them a 5 minute warning to play with one last thing, and then get them out the door. Your real gift to the mom can be the 15 minutes you spend at night putting all the toys back in their respective boxes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone saying "the kids need to be in school" that's great, I agree, but that's NOT HELPFUL to OP. Not her kids, not her choice. She's asking what SHE can do.

I disagree. OP provided this detail without acknowledging the lunacy of attempting to home school a 4 and 6 yr old with newborn twins. Either because OP disagrees with that viewpoint or doesn't realize how unmanageable new twin mom's plan is. OP sounds kind and well meaning. But this is a bigger problem than merely managing a few unruly young kids; new twin mom is making untenable decisions. This affects advice for OP, especially if she doesn't see this clearly.

[Anonymous]

OP, take them to the park. Or take them out for a long, long walk and tire the little ratbags out. There'll be whining and they'll be annoying but they need exercise.

You're a good friend, I hope your neighbour appreciates how much you are doing for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with many of the PPs about this not being your job and you are kind to help out. I have been in your friend’s position in that what was most helpful to me was when someone offered to take my oldest for a play date (my kids are in public school and I don’t have twins, yikes!) My son has ADHD and while he is sweet, he can be a LOT to handle and I so so appreciated the parents who would have him over when he was a wild and crazy preschooler so I could rest at home with my baby.

If you want to continue having the kids over, I would try to have them both together. Having just one over will make the other kid miserable and jealous and doesn’t give the mom a break at all.

As for the play dates, let go of the anxiety about how they are playing with toys. Maybe in your house, your kids play with legos and then put them away before moving onto a puzzle. But that is not typical and definitely not how it works at my house. Put away any breakables and ask the kids to keep all the toys in one room. Don’t ask them to clean up. Give them a 5 minute warning to play with one last thing, and then get them out the door. Your real gift to the mom can be the 15 minutes you spend at night putting all the toys back in their respective boxes.

Exactly this. I didn’t have twins nor did I homeschool but I did have 2 kids plus a newborn. It was infinitely easier when only one child was home with the baby. I really appreciated when friends offered to pick up my kid(s) to and from sports and activities. One time my neighbor and father of my son’s friend saw me lugging the stroller and infant car seat to pick up my middle child. He said he could get my son. Then he said he is happy to drive my son home for the remainder of the sessions. It was so appreciated.

[Anonymous]

If borrowing their car won't work, could you find one of those drop off play places and split them up?

For example, you drop your kids there, go pick up her kids and take them there and watch everyone play. Then, you take her kids home and go back and pick yours up.

I've done this before at an indoor playground & inflatable place near me. They have drop off play so parents can run errands and whatnot while the kids get their energy out. I'll drop my youngest two, run and grab my nieces and nephew, and then take them back.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids.

When my second was born, I appreciated anyone holding the baby to give me a break. Even though baby was small, my back and shoulders hurt from holding a 10-20 pound baby all day. Just being able to sit with no children on me felt amazing. I remember feeling bad when guests would leave because I felt like I was sleeping with my eyes open while they were there. I was a total zombie with 2 kids under 2 and not getting sleep.

When my third was born, I appreciated anyone who would take one of my older kids. My two older kids often fought so it was nice when they would take kids for a play date or outing. Luckily my kids had neighborhood friends they could go play with. I used to host a lot when I had just 2 kids so I didn’t feel so bad when others took them.

Now I have a toddler and 2 kids in elementary. I try to carpool as much as possible.

Can you offer to take twins on a stroller walk to give mom a small break?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like they need stimulation, boundaries, and peers. Like a school — a place where they have age-appropriate activities and expectations. It is not realistic or appropriate to expect them to behave like guests in your house. Nor is it realistic or appropriate to expect that you would either set up an environment where they can roam free or be cool with them trashing your house. I think this situation is set up for everyone to fail. Look at your intentions honestly. Do you want to help her, or just feel good for saving her? If you want to help, as many people said sometimes holding your own boundaries and not taking on an unrealistic task is helping.