Please help me figure out how to handle friend's difficult children

[Anonymous]

My neighbor and friend recently gave birth to twins. She also has a 4yo DS and 6yo DD. She had family staying to help for a while, but they live far away and had to return home. Her husband works long hours. She has a mother's helper for a bit in the mornings (as she homeschools the older kids). But she is still (understandably) overwhelmed and exhausted.

I've offered and have helped in a lot of ways - running errands, bringing food, rallying other neighbors to bring food, etc., but what my friend really wants and needs is for me to occasionally take her older kids in the afternoons.

The problem is these kids drive me crazy and destroy my house. I have similar-aged kids, who generally get along with her kids but don't want to have them over as they always break something and when they leave it's like a tornado hit. I already Larlo-proof the house (and fridge!!) before they come, locking some doors and keeping spots off limits, but I need to still give them some space to play. Even if I hover over the four kids, these neighbors are pulling puzzle pieces from one thing while dumping out lego, finding an errant glue stick I didn't hide, etc. I've been firm with them about how to play at our house, but it's so exhausting to micromanage the entire time. Cleaning up is another story - these kids just don't want to leave and do everything in their power to stay. As in, will put a few blocks away, then one will get their shoes on, then the other will say they are helping to clean, but first one will then run back to "help" and then everyone is playing again, it's impossible to get them the heck out the door.

I don't have a car big enough to take everyone somewhere else, and it's cold where we are (outside DC area) and challenging to stay outside with everyone for more than 15 minutes (plus Larlo is a runner and we don't have a fence).

These kids are cooped up at home most of the day, I understand they are so excited to get out. But I feel so much anxiety about having them over, it takes hours for me to recover and days to find all the pieces of toys and return to proper spots. I'm not a clean freak by any means but it's just. too. much. (I don't have these problems when other kids come over to play, btw.)

This family has also suffered from some terrible tragedies over the years, I truly, truly feel for them and want to help. Please help me figure out how I can handle these kids without going crazy! Thank you!

[Anonymous]

If she has 4 kids do they have a minivan or car with a 3rd row?

I would take the kids out somewhere, " I am happy to take Larla and Larlo out of for a couple of hours this afternoon if you don't mind me taking your car?" Then either bundle up and go outside somewhere, playground or walk or play somewhere that has an indoor play place.
If I had 4 kids and 2 were babies I would happily give you my car and a full tank of gas!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she has 4 kids do they have a minivan or car with a 3rd row?

I would take the kids out somewhere, " I am happy to take Larla and Larlo out of for a couple of hours this afternoon if you don't mind me taking your car?" Then either bundle up and go outside somewhere, playground or walk or play somewhere that has an indoor play place.
If I had 4 kids and 2 were babies I would happily give you my car and a full tank of gas!

Hmm, not a bad idea, would take some car seat rearranging, but could be a possibility. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Take one older kid at a time. They will probably behave better that way and it will still give the mom some help.

Don’t hesitate to tell the mother - and the kids - exactly why they aren’t welcome to come together. “You don’t follow the house rules when you come together and it’s too exhausting for me to supervise so closely. Let’s see if you can behave better if you visit without your brother and then he will get a turn next time.”

[Anonymous]

Would it be helpful to take the older kids one at a time?

[Anonymous]

Friend you need paid help - full time - can I help you find a nanny or babysitter? Or help you enroll the kids in school for the year? I’d she homeschools, is she active in her church? Can you call the church to find volunteers too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take one older kid at a time. They will probably behave better that way and it will still give the mom some help.

Don’t hesitate to tell the mother - and the kids - exactly why they aren’t welcome to come together. “You don’t follow the house rules when you come together and it’s too exhausting for me to supervise so closely. Let’s see if you can behave better if you visit without your brother and then he will get a turn next time.”

Will definitely try this - thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friend you need paid help - full time - can I help you find a nanny or babysitter? Or help you enroll the kids in school for the year? I’d she homeschools, is she active in her church? Can you call the church to find volunteers too?

The mother's helper is from her church, I'll see if I can reach her for ideas for more helpers. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take one older kid at a time. They will probably behave better that way and it will still give the mom some help.

Don’t hesitate to tell the mother - and the kids - exactly why they aren’t welcome to come together. “You don’t follow the house rules when you come together and it’s too exhausting for me to supervise so closely. Let’s see if you can behave better if you visit without your brother and then he will get a turn next time.”

Will definitely try this - thank you!

Not sure the 4 and 6 year old can grasp this, but the mom sure will. She’s just delivered twins and will remember your words the rest of her life.

[Anonymous]

I fyou only take one at a time that takes away the playmate for the one left behind. So now that one is bugging Mom when she could be sleeping....lol
I like to idea to take the older 2 out somewhere

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take one older kid at a time. They will probably behave better that way and it will still give the mom some help.

Don’t hesitate to tell the mother - and the kids - exactly why they aren’t welcome to come together. “You don’t follow the house rules when you come together and it’s too exhausting for me to supervise so closely. Let’s see if you can behave better if you visit without your brother and then he will get a turn next time.”

Will definitely try this - thank you!

Don’t try this unless you want your friend to think you’re a total asshole.

[Anonymous]

Learn to say NO. These brats are not your responsibility.

[Anonymous]

If you continue with this, you'll have to actually parent the children, meaning speak in a firm voice, and enforce consequences, as if they were your own kids. The neighbor would probably be delighted if you did this... if they were better behaved, she might want them at home more often!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take one older kid at a time. They will probably behave better that way and it will still give the mom some help.

Don’t hesitate to tell the mother - and the kids - exactly why they aren’t welcome to come together. “You don’t follow the house rules when you come together and it’s too exhausting for me to supervise so closely. Let’s see if you can behave better if you visit without your brother and then he will get a turn next time.”

Will definitely try this - thank you!

Don’t try this unless you want your friend to think you’re a total asshole.

NP. Disagree. The kids will probably be more manageable individually. OP wants to help and needs to find a more realistic way of doing it.

Also, the 6 year old should be in school but that's not a problem that OP can solve.

[Anonymous]

It’s sounds like she needs to accept that homeschooling with newborn twins is not realistic and send the older ones to school and preschool.