Please help me figure out how to handle friend's difficult children

[Anonymous]

To start: not my circus, not my monkeys.

But if you really want to help, have a “family” meeting next time they come over re: rules and enforce them. They have to go home if they can’t follow rules. And you have to enforce it.

[Anonymous]

You may have to help in another way. Contribute to the cost of a babysitter or class for the other 2 children?

[Anonymous]

OP, you're sweet, but this neighbor chose to have twins while homeschooling her other two kids and it's not your job to help her out. If it was easy then sure, do it, but it causes you a lot of stress. So really just say no.

I have a friend whose husband is deployed. I feel for her and her two kids but they do not listen and destroy my house as well. I'll help her out in a variety of ways, but I don't have her kids over (I have taken my kids over to her house and let them play there because she doesn't mind that they destroy her house). It's just too much and I just say no. You can do the same, I promise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she has 4 kids do they have a minivan or car with a 3rd row?

I would take the kids out somewhere, " I am happy to take Larla and Larlo out of for a couple of hours this afternoon if you don't mind me taking your car?" Then either bundle up and go outside somewhere, playground or walk or play somewhere that has an indoor play place.
If I had 4 kids and 2 were babies I would happily give you my car and a full tank of gas!

This.

These kids need to run, literally. They’re destroying your house because they have so much pent up energy and it’s somewhere novel.

And I’m sorry, I live where it regularly gets negative double digit cold. Dressed properly, children can go out on all but the most extreme days, which won’t happen for another month or so.

It really sounds like you don't want to go the extra mile, and honestly, that is TOTALLY FINE. You just need to tell your friend that you are unable to help in the capacity that she wants right now. It’s okay to set boundaries for yourself. I fully believe in the “it takes a village” idea, but your village is nothing if they are stressed out and resentful.

Are there activities she could sign her children up for, and you could help with transportation? Is there space in HER house that you could supervise the kids in, but allow for her to get a shower and a nap?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take one older kid at a time. They will probably behave better that way and it will still give the mom some help.

Don’t hesitate to tell the mother - and the kids - exactly why they aren’t welcome to come together. “You don’t follow the house rules when you come together and it’s too exhausting for me to supervise so closely. Let’s see if you can behave better if you visit without your brother and then he will get a turn next time.”

Will definitely try this - thank you!

Don’t try this unless you want your friend to think you’re a total asshole.

NP. Disagree. The kids will probably be more manageable individually. OP wants to help and needs to find a more realistic way of doing it.

Also, the 6 year old should be in school but that's not a problem that OP can solve.

I think pp was objecting to telling the mom her older kids are poorly behaved, not objecting to the plan of one at a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you continue with this, you'll have to actually parent the children, meaning speak in a firm voice, and enforce consequences, as if they were your own kids.

OP how much of this are you already doing?

[Anonymous]

For some reason some kids behave extra badly at other people’s houses. This happened to me and the mom was like what? She saw it fortunately. But. If you tell the mom she’s going to remember it forever. But the kids won’t.
As a twin mom I can tell you the twins will be overwhelming for many years.
I guess occasionally you should take her kids to the park.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s sounds like she needs to accept that homeschooling with newborn twins is not realistic and send the older ones to school and preschool.

This!

[Anonymous]

If one is a runner, taking him anywhere with 3 other kids is going to be a huge risk.

[Anonymous]

Let them watch tv.

[Anonymous]

She needs to enroll the kids in school.

[Anonymous]

Picture how hard it is to round them up to leave at your house. Now picture trying to get them to leave at an outing and get in the car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For some reason some kids behave extra badly at other people’s houses. This happened to me and the mom was like what? She saw it fortunately. But. If you tell the mom she’s going to remember it forever. But the kids won’t.
As a twin mom I can tell you the twins will be overwhelming for many years.
I guess occasionally you should take her kids to the park.

I trust OP appreciates this, but it was also a choice to have 4 children (and ill be honest, I really hate using the “choice” argument, but there it is). Friend has had probably had around 7 months to secure help, send her one kid to school, etc. Knowing that there were twins coming.

[Anonymous]

Can you run them outside, despite the cold, for like 20 min in the beginning? Get some of their wiggles out first?

Instead of a meal train, set up a mother's helper list instead ?

[Anonymous]

Usually, homeschool moms have a network with fellow homeschoolers. I'm surprised she hasn't gone that route.