Please help me figure out how to handle friend's difficult children

[Anonymous]

I'm usually all about compassion and helping-- but there are some situations where you are just enabling an untenable situation. She needs to stop homeschooling- that's just silly. With twin infants, and a 4 year old she is really 'unschooling.' Especially if the 4 and the 6 year old are not naturally compliant independent kids. You can be kind, but you don't have to invite her kids over to play. Or just invite them over to play in the backyard, and maybe come into the kitchen for a snack.

[Anonymous]

She needs to put them in school. How can she homeschool with newborn twins?! What a disservice to her 6 year old who should be in 1st grade with boys his own age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Usually, homeschool moms have a network with fellow homeschoolers. I'm surprised she hasn't gone that route.

The kids are 4 and 6. That's not even homeschooling. That's just not paying for preschool/private K.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take one older kid at a time. They will probably behave better that way and it will still give the mom some help.

Don’t hesitate to tell the mother - and the kids - exactly why they aren’t welcome to come together. “You don’t follow the house rules when you come together and it’s too exhausting for me to supervise so closely. Let’s see if you can behave better if you visit without your brother and then he will get a turn next time.”

Will definitely try this - thank you!

Don’t try this unless you want your friend to think you’re a total asshole.

NP. I think a better way to handle it is to tell the mom that the "4 kids together is just too much". You will try hers one at a time. No need to assign blame since it's not like there is anything she can do about it now, when she is barely hanging on taking care of twins.

Then be very strict with the one who is visiting and see if you can reign in the behavior. If you can't skip a day. Tell the mom "even with just the 3 of them it's too much". She knows. She is living it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually, homeschool moms have a network with fellow homeschoolers. I'm surprised she hasn't gone that route.

The kids are 4 and 6. That's not even homeschooling. That's just not paying for preschool/private K.

At 6 the child should be in K, possibly even 1st grade. And as the mom of a 4 y/o boy, I cannot fathom having him home full time. He absolutely needs that playground time at preschool to run around with other kids. Also, by 4 a NT child should be able to sit in a group and do an activity, follow adult instructions, etc. These poor kids needs structure and the opportunity to be around friends, and OP is not the solution for this.

The neighbor is trying to be one of those “do-it-all mamas” who “relies on her village,” but she is burning her village to the ground by sending kids with pent up energy to burn it all off next door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s sounds like she needs to accept that homeschooling with newborn twins is not realistic and send the older ones to school and preschool.

This!

Why would she not send her kids to school? Poor kids being cooped up in the house.

It is hard enough to have a newborn and 2 older kids. Can’t imagine twins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s sounds like she needs to accept that homeschooling with newborn twins is not realistic and send the older ones to school and preschool.

THIS. this will not work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm usually all about compassion and helping-- but there are some situations where you are just enabling an untenable situation. She needs to stop homeschooling- that's just silly. With twin infants, and a 4 year old she is really 'unschooling.' Especially if the 4 and the 6 year old are not naturally compliant independent kids. You can be kind, but you don't have to invite her kids over to play. Or just invite them over to play in the backyard, and maybe come into the kitchen for a snack.

+1

I am serious about "the village", but this isn't sustainable. She needs to put her oldest kids in school.

[Anonymous]

Is she currently having morning care come in 5 days a week?

[Anonymous]

I used to have morning help with my newborn when my 2 older kids went to school. I don’t think it is possible to homeschool with 2 newborns.

This is not your problem, OP. This is your friend’s bad decision.

Sounds like kids are not disciplined either if they are destroying your house.

[Anonymous]

Your friend needs to get a nanny for the afternoons. Helping out “occasionally” is a slippery slide. I would bet that it increases in frequency since she is so desperate for help. Know what you’re in for. Just sayin’......

[Anonymous]

What about having one or two young teenagers come in for a few hours after school?

[Anonymous]

How about your friend taking responsibility for her children and stop expecting you to do her job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s sounds like she needs to accept that homeschooling with newborn twins is not realistic and send the older ones to school and preschool.

+1 absolutely. I say this as the mom of twins and 2 other kids. Not sure what her logic/reasoning for homeschool, but she’s doing a disservice to all of them. Unless she has full time help, it would be impossible to adequately home school the older kids just from a time perspective.

[Anonymous]

Stop having her kids over and just make an extra meal once a week for them. She needs to figure out this homeschooling/twins thing and you assisting is just going to make that harder for her.