Mom moving in ... terrible idea?

[Anonymous]

I can't believe this is even a question, OP. Shame on you.


You can set the ground rules and request "no nagging", some chores around the house if she moves in. It will take some effort on her side, but if she tries it might not be that bad.

[Anonymous]

Find income based housing or a cheap apartment, like at leisure world.

[Anonymous]

Don't fall for the guilt trip, OP. If your mother is in decent health, she can fend for herself. How unlikely is it that she'll pick up with another drunk? Keep toxic people out of your home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe this is even a question, OP. Shame on you.


You can set the ground rules and request "no nagging", some chores around the house if she moves in. It will take some effort on her side, but if she tries it might not be that bad.

How can OP set ground rules? If a rule can’t be enforced, it’s not really a rule. What’s she going to do when her mom starts nagging? Ground her? What about when her mom doesn’t do one of her chores? Evict her? Even things like setting a time frame for her mom to stay won’t necessarily work, because what happens at the end of the two weeks or months and mom doesn’t have anywhere to go? She can’t really throw her out. It’s easier to help her settle into an apartment rather than let her live with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe this is even a question, OP. Shame on you.


You can set the ground rules and request "no nagging", some chores around the house if she moves in. It will take some effort on her side, but if she tries it might not be that bad.

How can OP set ground rules? If a rule can’t be enforced, it’s not really a rule. What’s she going to do when her mom starts nagging? Ground her? What about when her mom doesn’t do one of her chores? Evict her? Even things like setting a time frame for her mom to stay won’t necessarily work, because what happens at the end of the two weeks or months and mom doesn’t have anywhere to go? She can’t really throw her out. It’s easier to help her settle into an apartment rather than let her live with her.

Agree 1,000%

[Anonymous]

This is an absolute disaster in the making. Tell her no firmly and definitively so she can make other plans.

[Anonymous]

No. No way. My MIL lives with us and is downright saintly compared to some of the DCUM horror-story MILs. She's first and foremost the most loving grandma; she's also non-judgmental, polite and generally kind, generous to a fault, and beyond helpful with our kids (now 5 and 2) since day 1.

Having her live with us is STILL hard. If she nagged or otherwise made our life more difficult, she'd be gone, with DH the first to tell her to go.

I'd never even consider moving in my parents, and they aren't even naggers or overtly terrible people. But they're difficult enough that I'd make any other arrangements possible.

In your shoes I'd offer to help her find a nearby-ish rental and get set up and maybe initially help kick in for rent/costs if I could swing it and she needed it...for a fixed, agreed-upon period of time.

The "of course you should allow it!" people don't understand when you've navigated a traumatic childhood and dealt with parents that inflict that, directly or indirectly. Maybe it's just me projecting, but...I say hard pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, you cared for your abusive dad but won't help your mom out for a few months. Your mom, who raised you and likely shielded you from your dad's abuse? Sounds like you're blaming her for your dad's actions, which is pretty crappy.

my grandmother raised me and when she passed, I basically raised myself. My mom has always attached to men. I love my mom dearly and talk to her everyday, but she has some bad qualities and I'm nervous about bringing it into our home.

You were the end-of-life caretaker for your abusive alcoholic father but your mom nags about watering your plants so she should stay out of your home in her time of need.

Okay.

To be fair to the OP, it sounds like it was a time of true need for the dad, but it's more of a convenience for mom. OP could very well be willing to have mom stay if it's an end-of-life situation or if mom was completely out of money. Here, mom is presumably healthy and could afford an apartment, so I think it's unfair of you to expect OP to treat the two situations exactly the same.

I'm not expecting her to treat them "exactly the same." I'm pointing out that what her dad did was a thousand times worse, but she glossed right over it. Her mom's problem is nagging. Oh, and choosing the wrong men, but she won't support her when she leaves the wrong man.

Did Op say that she moved her dad into her own house and took care of him until his death? I don't think she did say that. Op probably wasn't the one doing the actual hands on care of her father although she may have been overseeing that care in some sort of nursing situation (facility? care in his home?).

Unless there is some reason that Op's mom can not directly move into her own place then Op can maybe help her mom find a suitable place that she can move into.

[Anonymous]

No I wouldn't do it OP. Your mom has shown that she gets co-dependant and that is what will happen with you.

She has made some bad decisions and what if she spends all her cash and then has to stay for longer due to poor financial decisions.

While she has money I would get her to get an apartment and set herself up.

Unfortunately your mom must be use to abusive relationships and the cycle that goes with it, I would worry that she would bring that into your household. As you said she nags you which I know isn't abusive but I wonder if this would escalate after a while.

I wouldn't do it, too much that could go wrong. Your mom is healthy and able to take care of herself. I would suggest that she has never had to be independent so it seems easier to move in with you, however fear of independence will then keep her with you.

Help her move into her own place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are in a good place, have a 3 year old DD and trying for a 2nd baby. We are 33/35 and both work full time stressful jobs.

I am finding myself rescuing my mom, again. She married an abusive alcoholic (my dad) and divorced when I was about 14. My dad ended up getting cancer, got sober, and him and I finally got very close and I was his caretaker through the very end, he passed away in May this year.

My mom has been with this "new" guy for 7 years- same exact thing. Alcoholic, dumb, no ambition and is just in general an idiot. I've put up with him and am always cordial, but everytime he gets drunk, about every other day, I hear my mom moaning and crying about it. Well, she finally decided she's had enough. They are selling their house and will make about $120k profit split 50/50. She can't afford a house in the current market, so she asked if she can live in our guest room until she figures things out.

I'm dreading it. My mother is such a nag. "Turn these lights off", "water your plants", "you get baby sitters too much", "Larlo doesn't need candy" etc etc. It's just NON STOP and has been that way forever and she isn't going to change.

My heart is soft after losing my dad, but she could afford an apartment and I'm leaning towards asking her to do that. Am I being terrible? Would you let her stay with you for X # of months?? WWYD?

Your mom sounds borderline with codependency issues. I know because my estranged mom is one, and exhibits the same kind of behavior. I'm 30 and she either treats me like I'm still 3 years old by telling me to go to the bathroom and to fix my hair or like a surrogate therapist who can cure all her stupid problems. I think you have some kind of savior complex judging by the fact that you would care for your dad who did nothing for you and now you're feeling guilty about not being there for your mom. But you come first, before anyone else. You are your own person with your own feelings and needs which shouldn't be subsumed under anyone else's. Yes, you have kids and a partner but even if you didn't, you really shouldn't let her move in. Stop subjecting yourself to crazy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, you cared for your abusive dad but won't help your mom out for a few months. Your mom, who raised you and likely shielded you from your dad's abuse? Sounds like you're blaming her for your dad's actions, which is pretty crappy.

my grandmother raised me and when she passed, I basically raised myself. My mom has always attached to men. I love my mom dearly and talk to her everyday, but she has some bad qualities and I'm nervous about bringing it into our home.

Then you shouldn’t let her move in. It will strain your family, your marriage, the peace in your home, your mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, you cared for your abusive dad but won't help your mom out for a few months. Your mom, who raised you and likely shielded you from your dad's abuse? Sounds like you're blaming her for your dad's actions, which is pretty crappy.

my grandmother raised me and when she passed, I basically raised myself. My mom has always attached to men. I love my mom dearly and talk to her everyday, but she has some bad qualities and I'm nervous about bringing it into our home.

Then you shouldn’t let her move in. It will strain your family, your marriage, the peace in your home, your mental health.

Some mothers don't deserve to be loved and judging by what OP describes, her mom falls into that category. A mom who wants to burden her adult child and continues to make bad decisions is not a good mom.

[Anonymous]

I would do it but that's me. It doesn't sound like you have a very mature outlook on what is happening with your mom and based on your post you also seem to regress when you are interacting with her … so it doesn't sound like a good idea for you.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I don’t think you’re terrible at all. It would make the most sense for your mother to find an apartment and move her belongings into it. You can help her with that process.

[Anonymous]

Your first obligation is to keep your husband and family happy. It is obvious that this not a good idea at all. You are trying to have another child and putting yourself in a stressful situation. Do not do it! Make your husband happy, make your child happy. This could turn into a very bad situation.
Help her find a small affordable apartment Nd get a job. It makes no difference what you did for your father. This is now, this is today and the answer is “No”
Be strong, you are in charge.