Mom moving in ... terrible idea?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are in a good place, have a 3 year old DD and trying for a 2nd baby. We are 33/35 and both work full time stressful jobs.

I am finding myself rescuing my mom, again. She married an abusive alcoholic (my dad) and divorced when I was about 14. My dad ended up getting cancer, got sober, and him and I finally got very close and I was his caretaker through the very end, he passed away in May this year.

My mom has been with this "new" guy for 7 years- same exact thing. Alcoholic, dumb, no ambition and is just in general an idiot. I've put up with him and am always cordial, but everytime he gets drunk, about every other day, I hear my mom moaning and crying about it. Well, she finally decided she's had enough. They are selling their house and will make about $120k profit split 50/50. She can't afford a house in the current market, so she asked if she can live in our guest room until she figures things out.

I'm dreading it. My mother is such a nag. "Turn these lights off", "water your plants", "you get baby sitters too much", "Larlo doesn't need candy" etc etc. It's just NON STOP and has been that way forever and she isn't going to change.

My heart is soft after losing my dad, but she could afford an apartment and I'm leaning towards asking her to do that. Am I being terrible? Would you let her stay with you for X # of months?? WWYD?

[Anonymous]

i Was coming on here to write “of course that’s a wonderful idea and your mom can help with the kids etc.” but after reading your op, it seems your mom is not the type who will help out with dinner or kids but be a burden on you and most probably stress you and DH.

She is your mother after all, so may be you offer help to find rental and help her a bit financially, if you can and if she needs it, for the first few months to the extent you are able to. Or let her stay but be clear on house rules and duration - though from what you described in op, your mom may not stick with it./

[Anonymous]

Yes. I would let her live for the few months.

[Anonymous]

No I would not let her move in. Sorry but you'll just enable her. She needs to finally learn to support herself and live on her own.

[Anonymous]

So, you cared for your abusive dad but won't help your mom out for a few months. Your mom, who raised you and likely shielded you from your dad's abuse? Sounds like you're blaming her for your dad's actions, which is pretty crappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, you cared for your abusive dad but won't help your mom out for a few months. Your mom, who raised you and likely shielded you from your dad's abuse? Sounds like you're blaming her for your dad's actions, which is pretty crappy.

my grandmother raised me and when she passed, I basically raised myself. My mom has always attached to men. I love my mom dearly and talk to her everyday, but she has some bad qualities and I'm nervous about bringing it into our home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, you cared for your abusive dad but won't help your mom out for a few months. Your mom, who raised you and likely shielded you from your dad's abuse? Sounds like you're blaming her for your dad's actions, which is pretty crappy.

Exactly how I read it too.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you should let her stay with you for a few months. I would give her a few chores around the house that are hers, and make sure she has a relaxing space in the guest room with a TV. (I say this as a great aunt is living with us for a few months. She is the sweetest, so no nagging, but she needs to feel as if she is contributing to the house and also wants the ability to retreat to her room as needed.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, you cared for your abusive dad but won't help your mom out for a few months. Your mom, who raised you and likely shielded you from your dad's abuse? Sounds like you're blaming her for your dad's actions, which is pretty crappy.

my grandmother raised me and when she passed, I basically raised myself. My mom has always attached to men. I love my mom dearly and talk to her everyday, but she has some bad qualities and I'm nervous about bringing it into our home.

You were the end-of-life caretaker for your abusive alcoholic father but your mom nags about watering your plants so she should stay out of your home in her time of need.

Okay.

[Anonymous]

Yes.

Nagging is not even registering on the scale of problems.

[Anonymous]

I would offer to help with an apartment if she needed financial help.

Did your dad live with you? It would be harder to say no if you already have an in-law suite set up.

[Anonymous]

Depends. If you say she can move in for 3 months, are you 100% certain she will leave after that? Based on her history, it sounds like she's not very proactive. I think there's a very good chance she doesn't want to leave after she moves in. If that's the case, it's going to be a million times harder and more damaging to your relationship to try to get her out of the house than to just not let her move in to begin with.

[Anonymous]

I would let her stay for a little while but frame it as a temporary solution until she can find an apartment to rent and move her things. If she gets there and somehow it's magically a good situation, you can revise the plan. If not, at least there's a time limit.

My mom moved in with us last year and it's fine but also really hard sometimes and we have a great relationship. I can't imagine how it would be if we didn't get along as well.

What does your DH say, OP?

[Anonymous]

Slippery slope. If she moves in and doesn't want to leave, then what? I'd let my mom move in, but I'm not sure that you should let your mom - when you already feel so nagged by her. What are the chances she won't leave once there?

[Anonymous]

Does she currently work? Is your DH on board?