Mom moving in ... terrible idea?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, you cared for your abusive dad but won't help your mom out for a few months. Your mom, who raised you and likely shielded you from your dad's abuse? Sounds like you're blaming her for your dad's actions, which is pretty crappy.

my grandmother raised me and when she passed, I basically raised myself. My mom has always attached to men. I love my mom dearly and talk to her everyday, but she has some bad qualities and I'm nervous about bringing it into our home.

You were the end-of-life caretaker for your abusive alcoholic father but your mom nags about watering your plants so she should stay out of your home in her time of need.

Okay.

To be fair to the OP, it sounds like it was a time of true need for the dad, but it's more of a convenience for mom. OP could very well be willing to have mom stay if it's an end-of-life situation or if mom was completely out of money. Here, mom is presumably healthy and could afford an apartment, so I think it's unfair of you to expect OP to treat the two situations exactly the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends. If you say she can move in for 3 months, are you 100% certain she will leave after that? Based on her history, it sounds like she's not very proactive. I think there's a very good chance she doesn't want to leave after she moves in. If that's the case, it's going to be a million times harder and more damaging to your relationship to try to get her out of the house than to just not let her move in to begin with.

Do not let your mother move in. She's already already shown she is a co-dependent twice over (your dad and the new guy). Chances are she'll find another alcoholic to take up with and then he will be in your home. Make her rent her own apartment. You will have a better relationship with her if you do.

[Anonymous]

Do what you can handle for your own wellbeing. Set boundries if you thing that she will cross lines. Also if its temporary then set a time frame for her to be out on her own. While no one here cause understand the whole story by the little bit you posted only you know what you and your family can handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, you cared for your abusive dad but won't help your mom out for a few months. Your mom, who raised you and likely shielded you from your dad's abuse? Sounds like you're blaming her for your dad's actions, which is pretty crappy.

my grandmother raised me and when she passed, I basically raised myself. My mom has always attached to men. I love my mom dearly and talk to her everyday, but she has some bad qualities and I'm nervous about bringing it into our home.

Apartment then, no question. Help her look, help in other ways, but don’t let her live with you. Moving is hard, just do it once.

[Anonymous]

Most important question is what your partner says. If he is not on board then forget it. Not worth destroying your own relationship over this.

[Anonymous]

IF you let her move in, she needs ground rules. No strange men coming over and she pays rent. And you need an end date for her to move out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, you cared for your abusive dad but won't help your mom out for a few months. Your mom, who raised you and likely shielded you from your dad's abuse? Sounds like you're blaming her for your dad's actions, which is pretty crappy.

my grandmother raised me and when she passed, I basically raised myself. My mom has always attached to men. I love my mom dearly and talk to her everyday, but she has some bad qualities and I'm nervous about bringing it into our home.

I wouldn't do this. The last thing you need is her bringing her next alcoholic boyfriend into your family home!

At most, I might do it for a specified amount of time, e.g. 2 weeks or a month, until she found her own place. You are a saint.

[Anonymous]

my grandmother raised me and when she passed, I basically raised myself. My mom has always attached to men. I love my mom dearly and talk to her everyday, but she has some bad qualities and I'm nervous about bringing it into our home.


I wouldn't do this. The last thing you need is her bringing her next alcoholic boyfriend into your family home!

At most, I might do it for a specified amount of time, e.g. 2 weeks or a month, until she found her own place. You are a saint.

This X100. Plus - it is not fair to your child or DH to subject them to this. If you were single, then it would be solely up to you as to whether to subject yourself to another round of crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, you cared for your abusive dad but won't help your mom out for a few months. Your mom, who raised you and likely shielded you from your dad's abuse? Sounds like you're blaming her for your dad's actions, which is pretty crappy.

my grandmother raised me and when she passed, I basically raised myself. My mom has always attached to men. I love my mom dearly and talk to her everyday, but she has some bad qualities and I'm nervous about bringing it into our home.

You were the end-of-life caretaker for your abusive alcoholic father but your mom nags about watering your plants so she should stay out of your home in her time of need.

Okay.

To be fair to the OP, it sounds like it was a time of true need for the dad, but it's more of a convenience for mom. OP could very well be willing to have mom stay if it's an end-of-life situation or if mom was completely out of money. Here, mom is presumably healthy and could afford an apartment, so I think it's unfair of you to expect OP to treat the two situations exactly the same.

I'm not expecting her to treat them "exactly the same." I'm pointing out that what her dad did was a thousand times worse, but she glossed right over it. Her mom's problem is nagging. Oh, and choosing the wrong men, but she won't support her when she leaves the wrong man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IF you let her move in, she needs ground rules. No strange men coming over and she pays rent. And you need an end date for her to move out.

This is a grownup, not a kid. You don't expect someone to pay rent and also tell them they are not allowed to have guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, you cared for your abusive dad but won't help your mom out for a few months. Your mom, who raised you and likely shielded you from your dad's abuse? Sounds like you're blaming her for your dad's actions, which is pretty crappy.

my grandmother raised me and when she passed, I basically raised myself. My mom has always attached to men. I love my mom dearly and talk to her everyday, but she has some bad qualities and I'm nervous about bringing it into our home.

You were the end-of-life caretaker for your abusive alcoholic father but your mom nags about watering your plants so she should stay out of your home in her time of need.

Okay.

To be fair to the OP, it sounds like it was a time of true need for the dad, but it's more of a convenience for mom. OP could very well be willing to have mom stay if it's an end-of-life situation or if mom was completely out of money. Here, mom is presumably healthy and could afford an apartment, so I think it's unfair of you to expect OP to treat the two situations exactly the same.

I'm not expecting her to treat them "exactly the same." I'm pointing out that what her dad did was a thousand times worse, but she glossed right over it. Her mom's problem is nagging. Oh, and choosing the wrong men, but she won't support her when she leaves the wrong man.

But the problem is that OP's mom is likely to repeat her pattern of choosing the wrong man. No way OP should take the risk of dealing with that in her own home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm not expecting her to treat them "exactly the same." I'm pointing out that what her dad did was a thousand times worse, but she glossed right over it. Her mom's problem is nagging. Oh, and choosing the wrong men, but she won't support her when she leaves the wrong man.

What dad did was worse big-picture wise, but, once OP forgave him, maybe easier to live with on a day-to-day basis. Man, I'd hate to live with a constant nag. But, I'd do pretty much anything for my mom, so there's that. I would do it and learn to ignore the nagging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, you cared for your abusive dad but won't help your mom out for a few months. Your mom, who raised you and likely shielded you from your dad's abuse? Sounds like you're blaming her for your dad's actions, which is pretty crappy.

my grandmother raised me and when she passed, I basically raised myself. My mom has always attached to men. I love my mom dearly and talk to her everyday, but she has some bad qualities and I'm nervous about bringing it into our home.

You were the end-of-life caretaker for your abusive alcoholic father but your mom nags about watering your plants so she should stay out of your home in her time of need.

Okay.

To be fair to the OP, it sounds like it was a time of true need for the dad, but it's more of a convenience for mom. OP could very well be willing to have mom stay if it's an end-of-life situation or if mom was completely out of money. Here, mom is presumably healthy and could afford an apartment, so I think it's unfair of you to expect OP to treat the two situations exactly the same.

I'm not expecting her to treat them "exactly the same." I'm pointing out that what her dad did was a thousand times worse, but she glossed right over it. Her mom's problem is nagging. Oh, and choosing the wrong men, but she won't support her when she leaves the wrong man.

But the problem is that OP's mom is likely to repeat her pattern of choosing the wrong man. No way OP should take the risk of dealing with that in her own home.

Well, no. According to OP, the problem is that her mom is a nag. To wit:

I'm dreading it. My mother is such a nag. "Turn these lights off", "water your plants", "you get baby sitters too much", "Larlo doesn't need candy" etc etc. It's just NON STOP and has been that way forever and she isn't going to change.

She's not saying she doesn't want her mom to move in because a new alcoholic boyfriend will magically appear. She's saying she doesn't want to deal with nagging. Which is her prerogative, but to this anonymous internet poster the fact that she was an end-of-life caretaker to the alcoholic who abused her mom but won't let her mom stay in her guest bedroom for a couple of months because she doesn't want to hear "turn your lights off" is messed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, you cared for your abusive dad but won't help your mom out for a few months. Your mom, who raised you and likely shielded you from your dad's abuse? Sounds like you're blaming her for your dad's actions, which is pretty crappy.

my grandmother raised me and when she passed, I basically raised myself. My mom has always attached to men. I love my mom dearly and talk to her everyday, but she has some bad qualities and I'm nervous about bringing it into our home.

You were the end-of-life caretaker for your abusive alcoholic father but your mom nags about watering your plants so she should stay out of your home in her time of need.

Okay.

To be fair to the OP, it sounds like it was a time of true need for the dad, but it's more of a convenience for mom. OP could very well be willing to have mom stay if it's an end-of-life situation or if mom was completely out of money. Here, mom is presumably healthy and could afford an apartment, so I think it's unfair of you to expect OP to treat the two situations exactly the same.

I'm not expecting her to treat them "exactly the same." I'm pointing out that what her dad did was a thousand times worse, but she glossed right over it. Her mom's problem is nagging. Oh, and choosing the wrong men, but she won't support her when she leaves the wrong man.

But the problem is that OP's mom is likely to repeat her pattern of choosing the wrong man. No way OP should take the risk of dealing with that in her own home.

Well, no. According to OP, the problem is that her mom is a nag. To wit:

I'm dreading it. My mother is such a nag. "Turn these lights off", "water your plants", "you get baby sitters too much", "Larlo doesn't need candy" etc etc. It's just NON STOP and has been that way forever and she isn't going to change.

She's not saying she doesn't want her mom to move in because a new alcoholic boyfriend will magically appear. She's saying she doesn't want to deal with nagging. Which is her prerogative, but to this anonymous internet poster the fact that she was an end-of-life caretaker to the alcoholic who abused her mom but won't let her mom stay in her guest bedroom for a couple of months because she doesn't want to hear "turn your lights off" is messed up.

Yes I get your point but my point is that mom choosing the wrong boyfriends should be the primary reason for not letting her live there rather than the nagging. And deciding to care for one alcoholic doesn't mean you are automatically required to care for everyone who is part of the family disease.

[Anonymous]

Have you been to Alanon? It is for family members of alcoholics. I'd go to a meeting or two and pick up some
of the books.