Should I tell my ex about my boyfriend before I intro him to the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You started online dating right after the divorce??

Wow.... I was still making my kids feelings a priority & the absolute LAST thing I was thinking about immediately after my divorce was online dating.

You do you though.

Way to project. Guess what? I can walk and chew gum. I can also date someone and simultaneously care a whole heck of a lot about my kids. Even love them to bits. Once again, I was not asking for opinions on my relationship, so please feel free to scroll on by.

As a divorced mom of 2, I want to know how you do it? When to you physically find the time to date? ExH has the kids 1 night a week and 1 weekend overnight. Except both kids have so many after school/weekend activities, that all people that can drive are needed to drive. We have to divide and conquer for transportation logistics.

3 days a week both kids are out until 8pm. On the weekends, both kids have games and inevitably there are playdates that conflict with bday parties. By 8pm on Sat night, I am exhausted. And since we do it all again on Sunday morning starting at 8, all I want to do is go to bed. I don't know how to find time to date without making my kids give up something and that's not fair to them. So where do you find the time to date?

I’m going to take this as an honest question and not an attempt at shaming. The answer is that while I love my kids to pieces, they do not define me. I have three of them. All very active. But they are limited to one sport at a time, and scouts. My oldest elects for travel soccer, my middle and youngest rotate through Rec sports based on seasons. We map out the calendar and we make trade offs, we carpool a lot. My ex and I share 50/50 custody and a big part of why I’m divorced is because I was doing it all, while working full time, earning more, cooking, and being treated like crap by my spouse. So I got rid of the spouse. Now he is in charge of his weeks. We do occasionally pitch in for each other, but we can almost always make our weeks work with no input from the other parent (yay carpools!). On weekends I attend my kids events on weekends where they are with their dad if I can, but I do not feel guilty if I have plans and I cannot. I call them and get the download later.

For me, being divorced has been almost no change in domestic burden. If anything it made my life significantly easier. While married, I ran all carpools, now my ex has to do them on his weeks. I did all cooking, laundry, cleaning, and maintaining of the household schedule, now my ex has to do all of that in his own house. I get 50% of the time with a reduced burden in those areas. I still do maintain the general calendar and schedule for the kids though. I have peace in my life. My quality of life increased so much that I can be a better person and mother. Yes, I miss my kids when I don’t see them, but I make lots of efforts to connect with them. We have a great relationship.

I don’t think women should place themselves second to motherhood. There is no trophy for this. All you can do is your best. If your best is running around ragged after your kids until 10 more years go by, okay. If your best is 3 years finding yourself after divorce, okay. For me, my best was knowing that there was getting back out there to find someone to laugh with again. Turns out he was looking for that too. And a year later, here we are. Between us we have 6 kids. God help us if this is really it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You started online dating right after the divorce??

Wow.... I was still making my kids feelings a priority & the absolute LAST thing I was thinking about immediately after my divorce was online dating.

You do you though.

Way to project. Guess what? I can walk and chew gum. I can also date someone and simultaneously care a whole heck of a lot about my kids. Even love them to bits. Once again, I was not asking for opinions on my relationship, so please feel free to scroll on by.

As a divorced mom of 2, I want to know how you do it? When to you physically find the time to date? ExH has the kids 1 night a week and 1 weekend overnight. Except both kids have so many after school/weekend activities, that all people that can drive are needed to drive. We have to divide and conquer for transportation logistics.

3 days a week both kids are out until 8pm. On the weekends, both kids have games and inevitably there are playdates that conflict with bday parties. By 8pm on Sat night, I am exhausted. And since we do it all again on Sunday morning starting at 8, all I want to do is go to bed. I don't know how to find time to date without making my kids give up something and that's not fair to them. So where do you find the time to date?

Why does your exH only have two nights a week? Why do your kids have that many activities? That's your decision. I'm assuming they are young if they still do play dates. Play dates are optional. (My kids will go to most but not all parties to which they are invited, but I tend to avoid play dates because they eat up my weekends. Kids see their friends plenty at school, etc.)

Cut down the optional activities, do more carpooling. There, now you have time to date occasionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You started online dating right after the divorce??

Wow.... I was still making my kids feelings a priority & the absolute LAST thing I was thinking about immediately after my divorce was online dating.

You do you though.

Wow, good for you. You sound very superior in your approach. Everyone is different and every situation is different. You judge away at what you only understand through a few lines of text and obviously make assumptions about someone you don't really know. It's possible to walk and chew gum at the same time, BTW. Plus, it's been a YEAR...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You started online dating right after the divorce??

Wow.... I was still making my kids feelings a priority & the absolute LAST thing I was thinking about immediately after my divorce was online dating.

You do you though.

Way to project. Guess what? I can walk and chew gum. I can also date someone and simultaneously care a whole heck of a lot about my kids. Even love them to bits. Once again, I was not asking for opinions on my relationship, so please feel free to scroll on by.

As a divorced mom of 2, I want to know how you do it? When to you physically find the time to date? ExH has the kids 1 night a week and 1 weekend overnight. Except both kids have so many after school/weekend activities, that all people that can drive are needed to drive. We have to divide and conquer for transportation logistics.

3 days a week both kids are out until 8pm. On the weekends, both kids have games and inevitably there are playdates that conflict with bday parties. By 8pm on Sat night, I am exhausted. And since we do it all again on Sunday morning starting at 8, all I want to do is go to bed. I don't know how to find time to date without making my kids give up something and that's not fair to them. So where do you find the time to date?

I’m going to take this as an honest question and not an attempt at shaming. The answer is that while I love my kids to pieces, they do not define me. I have three of them. All very active. But they are limited to one sport at a time, and scouts. My oldest elects for travel soccer, my middle and youngest rotate through Rec sports based on seasons. We map out the calendar and we make trade offs, we carpool a lot. My ex and I share 50/50 custody and a big part of why I’m divorced is because I was doing it all, while working full time, earning more, cooking, and being treated like crap by my spouse. So I got rid of the spouse. Now he is in charge of his weeks. We do occasionally pitch in for each other, but we can almost always make our weeks work with no input from the other parent (yay carpools!). On weekends I attend my kids events on weekends where they are with their dad if I can, but I do not feel guilty if I have plans and I cannot. I call them and get the download later.

For me, being divorced has been almost no change in domestic burden. If anything it made my life significantly easier. While married, I ran all carpools, now my ex has to do them on his weeks. I did all cooking, laundry, cleaning, and maintaining of the household schedule, now my ex has to do all of that in his own house. I get 50% of the time with a reduced burden in those areas. I still do maintain the general calendar and schedule for the kids though. I have peace in my life. My quality of life increased so much that I can be a better person and mother. Yes, I miss my kids when I don’t see them, but I make lots of efforts to connect with them. We have a great relationship.

I don’t think women should place themselves second to motherhood. There is no trophy for this. All you can do is your best. If your best is running around ragged after your kids until 10 more years go by, okay. If your best is 3 years finding yourself after divorce, okay. For me, my best was knowing that there was getting back out there to find someone to laugh with again. Turns out he was looking for that too. And a year later, here we are. Between us we have 6 kids. God help us if this is really it.

Beautifully put!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You started online dating right after the divorce??

Wow.... I was still making my kids feelings a priority & the absolute LAST thing I was thinking about immediately after my divorce was online dating.

You do you though.

Way to project. Guess what? I can walk and chew gum. I can also date someone and simultaneously care a whole heck of a lot about my kids. Even love them to bits. Once again, I was not asking for opinions on my relationship, so please feel free to scroll on by.

As a divorced mom of 2, I want to know how you do it? When to you physically find the time to date? ExH has the kids 1 night a week and 1 weekend overnight. Except both kids have so many after school/weekend activities, that all people that can drive are needed to drive. We have to divide and conquer for transportation logistics.

3 days a week both kids are out until 8pm. On the weekends, both kids have games and inevitably there are playdates that conflict with bday parties. By 8pm on Sat night, I am exhausted. And since we do it all again on Sunday morning starting at 8, all I want to do is go to bed. I don't know how to find time to date without making my kids give up something and that's not fair to them. So where do you find the time to date?

I guess maybe the things that are issues for you are not issues for OP? IMAGINE THAT.

For example, when I got divorced, my ex had our kid 3-4 nights per week, depending on the week. During his times, her social engagements were his to manage, and during my times, her social engagements were mine to manage. That meant that he would take her to ballet AND a birthday party if those were things on the menu. I also did not find that I was exhausted by 8pm on Saturday night and that going out for dinner at 7 and a movie at 9 was totally doable.

You are judging OP's love for and commitment to her kids against your own exhaustion and circumstances, which doesn't seem reasonable.

Another divorced mom in a LTR, and I had a very similar experience. When you pick up the pieces after a divorce, it’s important to make time for yourself. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, especially when you’re the primary and it isn’t 50/50. But Part of that restructuring of your life includes having friendships, hobbies, reading, or maybe dating. It’s not that difficult, millions of people do it every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You started online dating right after the divorce??

Wow.... I was still making my kids feelings a priority & the absolute LAST thing I was thinking about immediately after my divorce was online dating.

You do you though.

Way to project. Guess what? I can walk and chew gum. I can also date someone and simultaneously care a whole heck of a lot about my kids. Even love them to bits. Once again, I was not asking for opinions on my relationship, so please feel free to scroll on by.

As a divorced mom of 2, I want to know how you do it? When to you physically find the time to date? ExH has the kids 1 night a week and 1 weekend overnight. Except both kids have so many after school/weekend activities, that all people that can drive are needed to drive. We have to divide and conquer for transportation logistics.

3 days a week both kids are out until 8pm. On the weekends, both kids have games and inevitably there are playdates that conflict with bday parties. By 8pm on Sat night, I am exhausted. And since we do it all again on Sunday morning starting at 8, all I want to do is go to bed. I don't know how to find time to date without making my kids give up something and that's not fair to them. So where do you find the time to date?

I’m going to take this as an honest question and not an attempt at shaming. The answer is that while I love my kids to pieces, they do not define me. I have three of them. All very active. But they are limited to one sport at a time, and scouts. My oldest elects for travel soccer, my middle and youngest rotate through Rec sports based on seasons. We map out the calendar and we make trade offs, we carpool a lot. My ex and I share 50/50 custody and a big part of why I’m divorced is because I was doing it all, while working full time, earning more, cooking, and being treated like crap by my spouse. So I got rid of the spouse. Now he is in charge of his weeks. We do occasionally pitch in for each other, but we can almost always make our weeks work with no input from the other parent (yay carpools!). On weekends I attend my kids events on weekends where they are with their dad if I can, but I do not feel guilty if I have plans and I cannot. I call them and get the download later.

For me, being divorced has been almost no change in domestic burden. If anything it made my life significantly easier. While married, I ran all carpools, now my ex has to do them on his weeks. I did all cooking, laundry, cleaning, and maintaining of the household schedule, now my ex has to do all of that in his own house. I get 50% of the time with a reduced burden in those areas. I still do maintain the general calendar and schedule for the kids though. I have peace in my life. My quality of life increased so much that I can be a better person and mother. Yes, I miss my kids when I don’t see them, but I make lots of efforts to connect with them. We have a great relationship.

I don’t think women should place themselves second to motherhood. There is no trophy for this. All you can do is your best. If your best is running around ragged after your kids until 10 more years go by, okay. If your best is 3 years finding yourself after divorce, okay. For me, my best was knowing that there was getting back out there to find someone to laugh with again. Turns out he was looking for that too. And a year later, here we are. Between us we have 6 kids. God help us if this is really it.

Beautifully put!

x 2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You started online dating right after the divorce??

Wow.... I was still making my kids feelings a priority & the absolute LAST thing I was thinking about immediately after my divorce was online dating.

You do you though.

Some of us make our marriages work and make our marriages a priority and don't get divorced. You do you, though.

See how crappy that is to judge, and be judged, when you have no idea who you're judging and what the circumstances were?

That was perfect. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You started online dating right after the divorce??

Wow.... I was still making my kids feelings a priority & the absolute LAST thing I was thinking about immediately after my divorce was online dating.

You do you though.

Way to project. Guess what? I can walk and chew gum. I can also date someone and simultaneously care a whole heck of a lot about my kids. Even love them to bits. Once again, I was not asking for opinions on my relationship, so please feel free to scroll on by.

As a divorced mom of 2, I want to know how you do it? When to you physically find the time to date? ExH has the kids 1 night a week and 1 weekend overnight. Except both kids have so many after school/weekend activities, that all people that can drive are needed to drive. We have to divide and conquer for transportation logistics.

3 days a week both kids are out until 8pm. On the weekends, both kids have games and inevitably there are playdates that conflict with bday parties. By 8pm on Sat night, I am exhausted. And since we do it all again on Sunday morning starting at 8, all I want to do is go to bed. I don't know how to find time to date without making my kids give up something and that's not fair to them. So where do you find the time to date?

I’m going to take this as an honest question and not an attempt at shaming. The answer is that while I love my kids to pieces, they do not define me. I have three of them. All very active. But they are limited to one sport at a time, and scouts. My oldest elects for travel soccer, my middle and youngest rotate through Rec sports based on seasons. We map out the calendar and we make trade offs, we carpool a lot. My ex and I share 50/50 custody and a big part of why I’m divorced is because I was doing it all, while working full time, earning more, cooking, and being treated like crap by my spouse. So I got rid of the spouse. Now he is in charge of his weeks. We do occasionally pitch in for each other, but we can almost always make our weeks work with no input from the other parent (yay carpools!). On weekends I attend my kids events on weekends where they are with their dad if I can, but I do not feel guilty if I have plans and I cannot. I call them and get the download later.

For me, being divorced has been almost no change in domestic burden. If anything it made my life significantly easier. While married, I ran all carpools, now my ex has to do them on his weeks. I did all cooking, laundry, cleaning, and maintaining of the household schedule, now my ex has to do all of that in his own house. I get 50% of the time with a reduced burden in those areas. I still do maintain the general calendar and schedule for the kids though. I have peace in my life. My quality of life increased so much that I can be a better person and mother. Yes, I miss my kids when I don’t see them, but I make lots of efforts to connect with them. We have a great relationship.

I don’t think women should place themselves second to motherhood. There is no trophy for this. All you can do is your best. If your best is running around ragged after your kids until 10 more years go by, okay. If your best is 3 years finding yourself after divorce, okay. For me, my best was knowing that there was getting back out there to find someone to laugh with again. Turns out he was looking for that too. And a year later, here we are. Between us we have 6 kids. God help us if this is really it.

Beautifully put!

x 2

yes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You started online dating right after the divorce??

Wow.... I was still making my kids feelings a priority & the absolute LAST thing I was thinking about immediately after my divorce was online dating.

You do you though.

Way to project. Guess what? I can walk and chew gum. I can also date someone and simultaneously care a whole heck of a lot about my kids. Even love them to bits. Once again, I was not asking for opinions on my relationship, so please feel free to scroll on by.

As a divorced mom of 2, I want to know how you do it? When to you physically find the time to date? ExH has the kids 1 night a week and 1 weekend overnight. Except both kids have so many after school/weekend activities, that all people that can drive are needed to drive. We have to divide and conquer for transportation logistics.

3 days a week both kids are out until 8pm. On the weekends, both kids have games and inevitably there are playdates that conflict with bday parties. By 8pm on Sat night, I am exhausted. And since we do it all again on Sunday morning starting at 8, all I want to do is go to bed. I don't know how to find time to date without making my kids give up something and that's not fair to them. So where do you find the time to date?

My ex and I have a 2-2-3 schedule which works out very well for us.

Mon - Mom
Tues - Mom

Wed -Dad
Thurs - Dad

Fri -Mom
Sat -Mom
Sun - Mom

Mon - Dad
Tues - Dad

Wed - Mom
Thurs - Mom

Fri - Dad
Sat - Dad
Sun Dad

Works out well for us as we each have every other weekend to go away for long romantic weekends with our new partners.

Of course our new partners are around Mon-Fri during our weeknight time with the kids, too. For example, this week so far I had the kids Mon & Tues. In the mornings my boyfriend knows that I'm stressed and rushing to get the kids out the door to daycare/school so my boyfriend (we live together)helps me out by waking up at 6am to make the kids breakfast each morning while I shower on the days that I have them.

Generally speaking if you share custody 50/50 with your ex it's much easier to date.