Should I tell my ex about my boyfriend before I intro him to the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who does not have kids but is dating a divorced dad, this is very interesting to me. I’ve met his kids several times, the first time several months ago. They know I’m his girlfriend. The other day he was musing that he wasn’t sure whether his ex was aware of me yet - he seems to figure the kids or a mutual friend might mention it. It doesn’t even seem to have crossed his mind to have told her first, or at all.

Not a good sign that he didn't think it through how a new girlfriend would affect his kids. Just saying.

He thought how it would affect his kids. I think the question of the post is how to whether to tell the ex in advance. We'd been dating for six months before I met the kids. We discussed how I should first meet them, he discussed it with them in advance. He did not, however, tell his ex that the kids would be meeting me. Is it really a must for the ex to know the kids will be meeting someone the father is dating? Isn't that for him to decide/handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You started online dating right after the divorce??

Wow.... I was still making my kids feelings a priority & the absolute LAST thing I was thinking about immediately after my divorce was online dating.

You do you though.

Way to project. Guess what? I can walk and chew gum. I can also date someone and simultaneously care a whole heck of a lot about my kids. Even love them to bits. Once again, I was not asking for opinions on my relationship, so please feel free to scroll on by.

As a divorced mom of 2, I want to know how you do it? When to you physically find the time to date? ExH has the kids 1 night a week and 1 weekend overnight. Except both kids have so many after school/weekend activities, that all people that can drive are needed to drive. We have to divide and conquer for transportation logistics.

3 days a week both kids are out until 8pm. On the weekends, both kids have games and inevitably there are playdates that conflict with bday parties. By 8pm on Sat night, I am exhausted. And since we do it all again on Sunday morning starting at 8, all I want to do is go to bed. I don't know how to find time to date without making my kids give up something and that's not fair to them. So where do you find the time to date?

I guess maybe the things that are issues for you are not issues for OP? IMAGINE THAT.

For example, when I got divorced, my ex had our kid 3-4 nights per week, depending on the week. During his times, her social engagements were his to manage, and during my times, her social engagements were mine to manage. That meant that he would take her to ballet AND a birthday party if those were things on the menu. I also did not find that I was exhausted by 8pm on Saturday night and that going out for dinner at 7 and a movie at 9 was totally doable.

You are judging OP's love for and commitment to her kids against your own exhaustion and circumstances, which doesn't seem reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who does not have kids but is dating a divorced dad, this is very interesting to me. I’ve met his kids several times, the first time several months ago. They know I’m his girlfriend. The other day he was musing that he wasn’t sure whether his ex was aware of me yet - he seems to figure the kids or a mutual friend might mention it. It doesn’t even seem to have crossed his mind to have told her first, or at all.

Not a good sign that he didn't think it through how a new girlfriend would affect his kids. Just saying.

He thought how it would affect his kids. I think the question of the post is how to whether to tell the ex in advance. We'd been dating for six months before I met the kids. We discussed how I should first meet them, he discussed it with them in advance. He did not, however, tell his ex that the kids would be meeting me. Is it really a must for the ex to know the kids will be meeting someone the father is dating? Isn't that for him to decide/handle?

Child of divorce here, now adult. Never divorced myself.

The dad gets to decide how and when. That is totally up to him to handle. But when you are coparenting children your life is never entirely yours again. You have people coming into your home all the time who will have intimate open relationships with your ex. And your goal should be keeping that relationship amicable so no one is shocked or taken by surprise. You prepare the other parent for the news so when Susie comes home talking about how Dad introduced them to Debbie today that they don't start crying or lash out and say something mean because they're prepared for it.

Openness with the ex in these situations isn't about giving the ex the courtesy as much as it is making sure that everyone is prepared so the kids are treated in the best possible way by all adults involved in the situation.

I feel like the way you talk and the way you describe your BF of acting points to a situation where that isn't happening. That's unfortunate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Met boyfriend right after divorce.
Think you're in love.
Think it's going to end well and you'll live happily ever after.

Rebound relationships never end well. This is why you take time out and work on yourself for a while after divorce.

Do you feel better about yourself now for tearing down somebody else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think you've been very prudent. This relationship has lasted a year. It's not like you're introducing your kids to a revolving door of men.

I would tell ex so that kids don't have to. Just an fyi text and done.

I was coming on to say the same thing. OP you’ve waited most of a year before introducing them-good for you. And, yes, I would give a heads up to the ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who does not have kids but is dating a divorced dad, this is very interesting to me. I’ve met his kids several times, the first time several months ago. They know I’m his girlfriend. The other day he was musing that he wasn’t sure whether his ex was aware of me yet - he seems to figure the kids or a mutual friend might mention it. It doesn’t even seem to have crossed his mind to have told her first, or at all.

Not a good sign that he didn't think it through how a new girlfriend would affect his kids. Just saying.

He thought how it would affect his kids. I think the question of the post is how to whether to tell the ex in advance. We'd been dating for six months before I met the kids. We discussed how I should first meet them, he discussed it with them in advance. He did not, however, tell his ex that the kids would be meeting me. Is it really a must for the ex to know the kids will be meeting someone the father is dating? Isn't that for him to decide/handle?

Child of divorce here, now adult. Never divorced myself.

The dad gets to decide how and when. That is totally up to him to handle. But when you are coparenting children your life is never entirely yours again. You have people coming into your home all the time who will have intimate open relationships with your ex. And your goal should be keeping that relationship amicable so no one is shocked or taken by surprise. You prepare the other parent for the news so when Susie comes home talking about how Dad introduced them to Debbie today that they don't start crying or lash out and say something mean because they're prepared for it.

Openness with the ex in these situations isn't about giving the ex the courtesy as much as it is making sure that everyone is prepared so the kids are treated in the best possible way by all adults involved in the situation.

I feel like the way you talk and the way you describe your BF of acting points to a situation where that isn't happening. That's unfortunate.

Hmm. Interesting. They seem to have a cordial but distant relationship, as far as I can tell. He describes it as businesslike. She initiated the divorce; he did not cheat or anything. I've thought their coparenting relationship is pretty ideal because there does not seem to be any drama, unless he is totally lying and shielding me from it. They do stuff like see each at graduations, doctors appts, the kids' birthdays, etc, and it is reportedly ok - but they aren't buddy buddy. They have fifty fifty custody and it seems to be working fine....but granted I have not talked to her, obviously. I have not met her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My divorce decree included that the other parent would be notified before kids were introduced to any new partners. You're not asking permission, just notifying. It's much better that he hears it from you and not from the kids after the fact.

That seems weird. Is that standard? What state?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You started online dating right after the divorce??

Wow.... I was still making my kids feelings a priority & the absolute LAST thing I was thinking about immediately after my divorce was online dating.

You do you though.

Some of us make our marriages work and make our marriages a priority and don't get divorced. You do you, though.

See how crappy that is to judge, and be judged, when you have no idea who you're judging and what the circumstances were?

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who got really mad because the kids met the new BF before he did. So I think you have to ask yourself what is the path of least resistance. If the ex will be more mad to be left out of the loop, tell him. If he'll be more mad that you're dating someone at all, you maybe have more leeway.

As a single parent, I'm torn on whether I'd want to know that my ex was dating someone or not. He has pretty good judgment when it comes to people, and he's not someone who's going to parade a bunch of women through our daughter's life, so I probably wouldn't really care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Met boyfriend right after divorce.
Think you're in love.
Think it's going to end well and you'll live happily ever after.

Rebound relationships never end well. This is why you take time out and work on yourself for a while after divorce.

I married my rebound. It ... Was good enough until it wasn't.

I married my rebound....20 years later and still going strong. His kids from the previous marriage even call me mom. I have an amazing relationship with the ex-wife too. We even do girl's nights.

Don't listen to the noise, I hope all works well for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My divorce decree included that the other parent would be notified before kids were introduced to any new partners. You're not asking permission, just notifying. It's much better that he hears it from you and not from the kids after the fact.

That seems weird. Is that standard? What state?

NP, We had the same included in ours. Pretty common here. Ontario, Canada. Not sure how many actually pay attention to or follow it. More of a polite suggestion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You started online dating right after the divorce??

Wow.... I was still making my kids feelings a priority & the absolute LAST thing I was thinking about immediately after my divorce was online dating.

You do you though.

Some of us make our marriages work and make our marriages a priority and don't get divorced. You do you, though.

See how crappy that is to judge, and be judged, when you have no idea who you're judging and what the circumstances were?

These are the same women that kid's in the end wish their mom would just be happy, rather than putting all their sorrow and worry about being a kid of divorce on them. I am a stepmom, and my step-kids constantly talk about how they wish their mom would just date already and stop living in the past. I stay neutral, as I think the worst thing a stepmom can do is talk about their mom in any way other than positive, but now that they are 15 and 17, they pretty much spend all their time with us, even though the custody is 50/50. They just feel their mom's house is not a happy place and, in their words, our house is warm and pleasant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hard Truths:

Your kids don't want to know this guy.

This guy doesn't want to know your kids.

Keep your romantic life and your kids completely separate and everyone will be happier.

This is awful advice....and is not true. My parents got divorced when I was 7, and both of my parents remarried. I love both of my step-parents. I have a wonderful blended family and because of those marriages, I also have three brothers and sisters. I feel lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who does not have kids but is dating a divorced dad, this is very interesting to me. I’ve met his kids several times, the first time several months ago. They know I’m his girlfriend. The other day he was musing that he wasn’t sure whether his ex was aware of me yet - he seems to figure the kids or a mutual friend might mention it. It doesn’t even seem to have crossed his mind to have told her first, or at all.

Not a good sign that he didn't think it through how a new girlfriend would affect his kids. Just saying.

He thought how it would affect his kids. I think the question of the post is how to whether to tell the ex in advance. We'd been dating for six months before I met the kids. We discussed how I should first meet them, he discussed it with them in advance. He did not, however, tell his ex that the kids would be meeting me. Is it really a must for the ex to know the kids will be meeting someone the father is dating? Isn't that for him to decide/handle?

Now imagine you get married and have children. Then you get divorced. Would you really your ex husband introducing your kids to every random woman he dates?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would you want him to do if the situation were reversed?

Privacy at least a text, “kids will meet my bf of a year this weekend. His name is Joe and he is a Profession for State.”

+1

OP follow the golden rule here. You've only been divorced a year; you are setting the groundwork for what your coparenting will look like going forward.