What to do when there is no "village"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this village concept. What is it you want from others? You want them to help you out with childcare and chores? Or do you want to make friends?

I posted earlier about creating a village and for me it is: having someone who I can text and ask to pick up my kid from school or give them a ride home from practice (and I am happy to do the same), a neighborhood teen to feed the cat when we are away (we are friendly with her parents), someone to bring in our mail when we are away (neighbors), someone to celebrate occasions with and invite over for pizza or impromptu dinners. Other people who know and care about my children (besides family) People to share stories with and get advice from. In my case the above people are both friends, and friendly acquaintances (parents of my kids’ friends). Knowing we are not alone, and knowing other people have my back in a pinch (and I, theirs). It makes parenting and family life a lot easier and less lonely.

Yes!!!! I really don't care about people watching my kids or giving them rides. That's such a small part of the village.

Who do you call when you're trying out a new recipe that your hoping to make for you MIL next week? Who will eat it and tell you exactly how they feel? Better yet, they already have met your MIL and know how she will react? Who can you call and say I'll be over in 5 with a bottle of wine--DH is being an ass. And their husband says, okay, I'll hang out in the basement tonight. Who do you call when your SN kid makes it through the school day without a phone call? Who do you call when your 3 yr old comes down the stairs in Feb in their halloween costume and announces they're going trick or treating? And yes, when you leave a VM that your mom had a heart attack and you're at the hospital, please take care of my kids after school; I'll call you when I can---you know that is one thing you don't have think about at the moment.

Life is about sharing your experiences-the good and the bad of life. As the PP says, knowing someone has your back. Your "village" is not about someone providing you free labor. It's your friends and family. It's your community. This used to be built in when family lived close together. Now you actively have to make it happen.

+ a million to both of these.

++++ a billion to both of these

[Anonymous]

1. Many faith based organizations have parents night out.
You drop kid off and get free child care for 3 hours.
You don't have to be a member. The last two faith
based organizations I belonged to had "parents night out."
Every 2 weeks there was a night you could drop kid off
for free and you and husband go out on a date.

2. Check out Mom's groups at faith based organizations.
Kid gets free child care. You meet some new people.
You don't even have to show up for services.

3. Neighbors. Have a pot luck at your place to meet neighbors or grill out and have a pot luck.

4. Seniors--some of my best friends have been ladies
30-40 years older than me. They raised 5 children.
Very, very treasured friends and a great resource
and we had lots of laughs over the years. There
is a lot of loneliness in the senior community. Believe
me a senior lady neighbor who has raised 4 kids
would be honored to be asked to watch your kid
for an hour if you had to run out for an emergency.

5. Like a prior poster said...don't be overly picky.
You need people in your life. I have friends that
are different ages, races, and different socio economic
backgrounds from me.

[Anonymous]

I'm assuming husband's parents are still working demanding
jobs themselves since they have only seen kid a handful of times? Two hours away is not that far.

Be proactive and invite husbands parents to drive down
for lunch or middle of the day meal on SAturday or Sunday.
I'd invite them once a month or once every 6 or 8 weeks.

They may have demanding lives too. You need to be
proactive and initiate. If they can't make it then
invite again in 4 weeks.

Make it a middle of the day lunch or activity so they
can drive home and don't have to overnight.

[Anonymous]

I'm assuming husband's parents are still working demanding
jobs themselves since they have only seen kid a handful of times? Two hours away is not that far.

Be proactive and invite husbands parents to drive down
for lunch or middle of the day meal on SAturday or Sunday.
I'd invite them once a month or once every 6 or 8 weeks.

They may have demanding lives too. You need to be
proactive and initiate. If they can't make it then
invite again in 4 weeks.

Make it a middle of the day lunch or activity so they
can drive home and don't have to overnight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It gets worse after the little kid years. Just wait until sports and homework start in mid-elementary. I was in your shoes, and we decided it would be best for my DH to become a SAHD.

Ugh, I’m so tired of people making this claim. Having been in both boats, yes, having elementary school aged kids is still time consuming/expensive but it is not the same as a toddler that you can barely leave alone to use the bathroom and spending 2,500/month on full time daycare.

NP: while I totally totally agree older kids are easier (by FAR) I will say the after school hours can be extremely crazy- depending on what activities the kids do and the general family schedule. For us it is much easier OTHER than the hours between 3pm- 8pm of so on weekdays. I went part time because I could not hack it. However- a good nanny (who drives!!) could do it. Different ages, different issues...

ETA: but I have three kids- who are not crazy overscheduled (generally one activity each, at a time) but with three...Some afternoons/evenings are unbelievably crazy. If I had fewer kids and/or good backup i(nanny, DH who is home reliably early, involved grandparent) etc it would be easy.

Agree with this, but in terms of building a village - you have to be the one to reach out to neighbors and other sports kids to start the carpool. They don't just happen - you have to speak up and try to organize. Or hire someone to help you with the drives if you can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Full stop. You are using the term "village" to mean free childcare. Do not fo searching for someone to provide you with free childcare.

Save your money, hire a sitter and go out.

But the "village" thing is what some people look for. We have a neighbor who is really big into swapping kids and playdates which basically means free babysitting for all parties involved, but it also means you're committed to watching other folks' kids as well.
Is your child in preschool? That's another place where we found parent friends who we could call in case of emergency, but if you want something more regular, see above or, as others say, hire someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know it may not be feasible, but can you look for a day job and put your child in daycare/preschool? It is cheaper at your kiddo’s age (far cheaper than infant care anyway). Is it lack of an available day shift, or childcare costs, or reluctance to put child in daycare? I only ask because this schedule is probably a big part of the problem. And I’d think it won’t be sustainable when your child is in elementary...you will never see him/her.

That said, I totally understand there are jobs where this isn’t possible. Just wondering if there is a plan to change this, or if this schedule is for the long haul..

This, all of it. OP, you must be exhausted if you're watching your child days and working nights. If at all possible get a daytime job and put your kid in daycare. She'll have friends and you can schedule weekend play dates with families from daycare/preschool. This really won't be sustainable when your kid is in ES. You'll have to choose between seeing your kid and sleeping.