What to do when there is no "village"

[Anonymous]

Ill apologize in advance because I'm feeling very emotional and stressed now so this post is coming from that. What do those who have no family or friends do for support with in life with their children? My husband and I work opposite schedules and both work way over 40 hours a week plus usually weekends. I stay home with our toddler and work evenings and he works days and stays home with her at night. My mother passed away when I was younger and my father is mentally ill and homeless. My husband's parents live 2 hours away but have only seen our daughter a handful of times in 3 years. Our siblings are younger and all live out of state. We literally have no one. Our friendships have gone to wayside due to our work schedule unfortunately and we have not had a date or time alone in 4 years. I am feeling very lonely. I don't have anyone to talk to except my daughter, who I love and who is my world but she makes an awful gossip coffee date. What do people do when they have no village?

[Anonymous]

You have to create your village. It’s hard, slow, and time consuming, but that’s the alternative to being lonely. I’m not being flippant. I was in your shoes when my teenagers were little.

Carve out time for other families from preschool. Join a church. Meet up with other moms outside of your kid’s club/sport. That’s how it starts. Then you build it up stronger and expand. Get started now while it’s a desire so you have it ready in an emergency.

[Anonymous]

Agree with pp.
Also, hire help.
There really are no other options.

[Anonymous]

I think that the real issue is your schedules. What do you both do? Working overnight makes me think you are in healthcare in some role. Would it be possible to transition to a day position, find a daycare for your child, and try to have a more "normal" family life? That way you and your husband will at least be on the same schedule.

[Anonymous]

When you're out with your 3 year old chat up every other mom you see. You'll get blown off some, but there are others out there who are equally bored and lonely trailing around their kid at a playground and would LOVE for friends for last minute casual playdates. At this stage the bar for friend is low - they don't have to be a perfect personality match having little kids in common goes so far. Some of the people I depend on most at this stage aren't people I'd necessarily have clicked with at other times in my life but the pure casualness of our relationship and being in the trenches goes so far. They watched my toddler when I had my second and I've taken their kids when they'd had emergencies. Give freely of your friendship and willingness to offer companionship and assistance to others and people will give freely back to you.

I'm sorry for your tough family situation - mine doesn't live close so day to day don't help at all but knowing they're there if the shit hits the fan does certainly help

[Anonymous]

You hire help and don’t have any more children.

[Anonymous]

Family -- many people don't have family near. Op, there is nothing unique about YOU

Friends -- that's your fault. No reason not to have a few friends. Let your discomfort be your motivation to change, and make the effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that the real issue is your schedules. What do you both do? Working overnight makes me think you are in healthcare in some role. Would it be possible to transition to a day position, find a daycare for your child, and try to have a more "normal" family life? That way you and your husband will at least be on the same schedule.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to create your village. It’s hard, slow, and time consuming, but that’s the alternative to being lonely. I’m not being flippant. I was in your shoes when my teenagers were little.

Carve out time for other families from preschool. Join a church. Meet up with other moms outside of your kid’s club/sport. That’s how it starts. Then you build it up stronger and expand. Get started now while it’s a desire so you have it ready in an emergency.

This. And, if you can, figure out a way to alter the work situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You hire help and don’t have any more children.

+1

This was my childhood. My mom worked the night shift so someone could be home with me after school and take me to my activities. Boy was she glad when I started driving. I never really realized the sacrifice until I left home.

[Anonymous]

Full stop. You are using the term "village" to mean free childcare. Do not fo searching for someone to provide you with free childcare.

Save your money, hire a sitter and go out.

[Anonymous]

Night work is incredibly bad for one's health, not to mention the kind of familial and social impacts you describe.
Your number one priority is to get rid of the night work!

We have no family here and it took years for us after coming to the USA to make close friends. However, they weren't always available either! So essentially it's always been us parents. It works because we don't have your crazy schedules.

If you can't afford to switch night work AND get a sitter, I would switch the night work. IT'S SERIOUSLY BAD FOR YOU.

[Anonymous]

We are much the same (lack of family support) for similar reasons.

I echo what others have said- you need to create your “village” and this gets much easier over time! Once DC starts preschool start arranging play dates, progress to doing things together (park, pumpkin patch, whatever) and then invite them over. It takes time. In early elementary, more of the same. Also you’ll meet tons of people at your kids’ sports and activities- easy to ask them if they want to grab ice cream or lunch after. Etc. But it takes time. At my kids’ age (older elem) we have a good community of friends and acquaintances that we can rely on if we need last minute childcare or someone to pick up a kid from school, borrow something , carpool etc etc. And we have families that we do things with on the weekends when possible, though much of our weekend is taken up by kids sports. But we sometimes grab dinner after, or invite to our place after etc. So, invite- and it takes time.

For now: hire a sitter when you need one (cut out other extras if needed) and may also be helpful to get into some sort of parent meetup group- there are lots!

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you knew you didn't have a "village" when you decided to have your current ones. Did your financial situation change that you started to have such grueling, opposite schedules?

In any case, given your current situation, your solution is to save money for childcare, and don't have any more.

[Anonymous]

Do you have other friends who also have kids the same ages? If so, get together with them, with the kids. There is no reason that you have to be alone with just you and your child all the time. Also realize that most working parents don't do much during the week at all, that is what the weekend is for.

If you want to go out with just your husband, then you will need to get a babysitter like everyone else.