What to do when there is no "village"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You purchase your village. My village is the nanny, Amazon prime, Pea Pod delivery, a housecleaner, UberEats, and a few other sitters. My mom friends are great but they are just as busy as we are and can’t be relied upon for help (but we do have fun!).

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It gets worse after the little kid years. Just wait until sports and homework start in mid-elementary. I was in your shoes, and we decided it would be best for my DH to become a SAHD.

Ugh, I’m so tired of people making this claim. Having been in both boats, yes, having elementary school aged kids is still time consuming/expensive but it is not the same as a toddler that you can barely leave alone to use the bathroom and spending 2,500/month on full time daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this village concept. What is it you want from others? You want them to help you out with childcare and chores? Or do you want to make friends?

I posted earlier about creating a village and for me it is: having someone who I can text and ask to pick up my kid from school or give them a ride home from practice (and I am happy to do the same), a neighborhood teen to feed the cat when we are away (we are friendly with her parents), someone to bring in our mail when we are away (neighbors), someone to celebrate occasions with and invite over for pizza or impromptu dinners. Other people who know and care about my children (besides family) People to share stories with and get advice from. In my case the above people are both friends, and friendly acquaintances (parents of my kids’ friends). Knowing we are not alone, and knowing other people have my back in a pinch (and I, theirs). It makes parenting and family life a lot easier and less lonely.

Yes!!!! I really don't care about people watching my kids or giving them rides. That's such a small part of the village.

Who do you call when you're trying out a new recipe that your hoping to make for you MIL next week? Who will eat it and tell you exactly how they feel? Better yet, they already have met your MIL and know how she will react? Who can you call and say I'll be over in 5 with a bottle of wine--DH is being an ass. And their husband says, okay, I'll hang out in the basement tonight. Who do you call when your SN kid makes it through the school day without a phone call? Who do you call when your 3 yr old comes down the stairs in Feb in their halloween costume and announces they're going trick or treating? And yes, when you leave a VM that your mom had a heart attack and you're at the hospital, please take care of my kids after school; I'll call you when I can---you know that is one thing you don't have think about at the moment.

Life is about sharing your experiences-the good and the bad of life. As the PP says, knowing someone has your back. Your "village" is not about someone providing you free labor. It's your friends and family. It's your community. This used to be built in when family lived close together. Now you actively have to make it happen.

+ a million to both of these.

[Anonymous]

Op here-i didn't intend to imply free labor needs at all in my post. I was talking about friends, another human to speak with who is a parent, a date with my husband, some companionship. I literally have no one to talk to.

[Anonymous]

You have a toddler. Why haven't you had a date night or alone time together in 4 years? Is your child 4? If so, life will get easier next year when she goes to full day kindergarten.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here-i didn't intend to imply free labor needs at all in my post. I was talking about friends, another human to speak with who is a parent, a date with my husband, some companionship. I literally have no one to talk to.

OP: does your child do to preschool/daycare? Or do you have any neighbors with kids? Any activities? A lot of times you just need to be friendly and invite. Chat with other parents at pickup/at practice etc and just say “hey we were going to head to the park after- anyone want to join us?” Or arrange play dates at the park or at your house or at a kiddie place etc. Throw a bday party and invite the whole class (and attend the ones you can)- good way to get to know other parents. Once you get to know people and have cell#s you can text “anyone else going to the pumpkin patch this weekend? We’re headed there Sun afternoon if anyone wants to meet up!” Things like that. Sometimes there will be no takers but that is fine. Chat up neighbors with kids and invite them over for ice cream or to your kid’s bday party if similar ages. Reach out and be friendly.

If your child doesn’t do many activities signing up for something can help- kiddie tumbling, tball, whatever. Good for them and you’ll meet other parents too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here-i didn't intend to imply free labor needs at all in my post. I was talking about friends, another human to speak with who is a parent, a date with my husband, some companionship. I literally have no one to talk to.

Do you have college friends in the area or college alumni group? When I first moved here, I had a few friends from college and DH went to college in the area. Have you looked into moms groups or meetups? I agree with the PP that said it can take years to develop close friendships and you kiss a lot of frogs along the way but my closest friends that live nearby originated from a mom’s group. Do you work out/are you a member of the YMCA? Sometimes they have childcare available and you can add exercise into your day and see other adults. I’m not into running but I know several moms that have made close friends through their running group. Does your neighborhood have a block party? That’s been how I’ve met neighbors and learned who has kids the same age as mine and who has high school teenagers that babysit.

[Anonymous]

I know it may not be feasible, but can you look for a day job and put your child in daycare/preschool? It is cheaper at your kiddo’s age (far cheaper than infant care anyway). Is it lack of an available day shift, or childcare costs, or reluctance to put child in daycare? I only ask because this schedule is probably a big part of the problem. And I’d think it won’t be sustainable when your child is in elementary...you will never see him/her.

That said, I totally understand there are jobs where this isn’t possible. Just wondering if there is a plan to change this, or if this schedule is for the long haul..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It gets worse after the little kid years. Just wait until sports and homework start in mid-elementary. I was in your shoes, and we decided it would be best for my DH to become a SAHD.

Ugh, I’m so tired of people making this claim. Having been in both boats, yes, having elementary school aged kids is still time consuming/expensive but it is not the same as a toddler that you can barely leave alone to use the bathroom and spending 2,500/month on full time daycare.

NP: while I totally totally agree older kids are easier (by FAR) I will say the after school hours can be extremely crazy- depending on what activities the kids do and the general family schedule. For us it is much easier OTHER than the hours between 3pm- 8pm of so on weekdays. I went part time because I could not hack it. However- a good nanny (who drives!!) could do it. Different ages, different issues...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It gets worse after the little kid years. Just wait until sports and homework start in mid-elementary. I was in your shoes, and we decided it would be best for my DH to become a SAHD.

Ugh, I’m so tired of people making this claim. Having been in both boats, yes, having elementary school aged kids is still time consuming/expensive but it is not the same as a toddler that you can barely leave alone to use the bathroom and spending 2,500/month on full time daycare.

NP: while I totally totally agree older kids are easier (by FAR) I will say the after school hours can be extremely crazy- depending on what activities the kids do and the general family schedule. For us it is much easier OTHER than the hours between 3pm- 8pm of so on weekdays. I went part time because I could not hack it. However- a good nanny (who drives!!) could do it. Different ages, different issues...

ETA: but I have three kids- who are not crazy overscheduled (generally one activity each, at a time) but with three...Some afternoons/evenings are unbelievably crazy. If I had fewer kids and/or good backup i(nanny, DH who is home reliably early, involved grandparent) etc it would be easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It gets worse after the little kid years. Just wait until sports and homework start in mid-elementary. I was in your shoes, and we decided it would be best for my DH to become a SAHD.

Ugh, I’m so tired of people making this claim. Having been in both boats, yes, having elementary school aged kids is still time consuming/expensive but it is not the same as a toddler that you can barely leave alone to use the bathroom and spending 2,500/month on full time daycare.

NP: while I totally totally agree older kids are easier (by FAR) I will say the after school hours can be extremely crazy- depending on what activities the kids do and the general family schedule. For us it is much easier OTHER than the hours between 3pm- 8pm of so on weekdays. I went part time because I could not hack it. However- a good nanny (who drives!!) could do it. Different ages, different issues...

ETA: but I have three kids- who are not crazy overscheduled (generally one activity each, at a time) but with three...Some afternoons/evenings are unbelievably crazy. If I had fewer kids and/or good backup i(nanny, DH who is home reliably early, involved grandparent) etc it would be easy.

I'm the OP with the SAHD who said it gets worse. Sorry, I should have been clearer! I was strictly speaking in terms of scheduling, which is a lot of the reason people bemoan not having a "village". Unless you get a nanny or an au pair, I'm telling you, your schedule will get tougher to manage. Parenting is definitely easier in may ways, but the after school, 3-8pm window can be wild. When our kids were in daycare, we were each able to work inflexible jobs. Daycare was open every day except for holidays. Our schedule was the same every day. Once elementary school hits, there is a lot more variability. FCPS regularly will take over a dozen snow days in January/February, and that doesn't even count all the delayed openings. The school is also closed for many teacher work days, and there are ample amounts of time the schools are closed for holidays (for example, two full weeks at Christmas). You'll also be patching together a million camps during the summer. Older children also have a better concept of time, and when they come home in the evening they'll need someone to talk to, especially if they're processing some sort of difficult social interaction.

So, yeah, it gets easier, but your desire for a village won't go away. The only people I know who seem to handle it with ease have a SAHP or a FT nanny / au pair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ill apologize in advance because I'm feeling very emotional and stressed now so this post is coming from that. What do those who have no family or friends do for support with in life with their children? My husband and I work opposite schedules and both work way over 40 hours a week plus usually weekends. I stay home with our toddler and work evenings and he works days and stays home with her at night. My mother passed away when I was younger and my father is mentally ill and homeless. My husband's parents live 2 hours away but have only seen our daughter a handful of times in 3 years. Our siblings are younger and all live out of state. We literally have no one. Our friendships have gone to wayside due to our work schedule unfortunately and we have not had a date or time alone in 4 years. I am feeling very lonely. I don't have anyone to talk to except my daughter, who I love and who is my world but she makes an awful gossip coffee date. What do people do when they have no village?

For dates, we hired a local teenage babysitter. For some other things, we started attending a faith community. There are many faith communities and one for nearly every belief system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this village concept. What is it you want from others? You want them to help you out with childcare and chores? Or do you want to make friends?

NP. I can only speak for myself, but boy do I miss having family nearby. Those that think this is just because we must want "free childcare", etc. must be so jaded. I grew up going to dinner at my grandparents a couple times per month, going on movie/ice cream dates with my single aunt, having raucous sleepovers with my cousins. I still text with a couple of my aunts all the time. My kids will have a much more limited version of all of that, everyone lives too far away to see more than a couple times per year. You don't know what you have until you don't.

And while we have some friends we can call on in case of emergencies, it's just different. Or at least it was with my family- everyone helped eachother out so there's less feeling like you're imposing when asking for a favor.

I don’t understand why you can’t move closer to your family then? You do understand it takes effort to make and form bonds, hence create a village, right?

[Anonymous]

Op, I get it. I work nights. The reality is, you cant work evenings or nights and provide child care. You need to hire help whether thats a nanny or enrolling your kid in daycare/preschool. Then you have a chance to cultivate friendships.

I also think 3-11 is the loneliest shift. I work 11-7, I can still do things in the evening and night before going to work. You don't get that with 3-11.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It gets worse after the little kid years. Just wait until sports and homework start in mid-elementary. I was in your shoes, and we decided it would be best for my DH to become a SAHD.

Ugh, I’m so tired of people making this claim. Having been in both boats, yes, having elementary school aged kids is still time consuming/expensive but it is not the same as a toddler that you can barely leave alone to use the bathroom and spending 2,500/month on full time daycare.

IME, the younger they are, the more physically exhausting they are and the older they get, the more emotionally draining they become.