What to do when there is no "village"

[Anonymous]

OP, google Village on this site and you'll find dozens of similar threads. Many of us are transplants to DC and have no family village nearby. Many others don't have that kind of relationship even if family is near.

Building a community takes years of putting yourself out there as others have already said. Your child's preschool, meet up groups, house of worship, neighborhood. Get into a rhythm of the same activities with your child, sooner or later you'll see those same moms at library storytime or the park or wherever. Start chatting. Eventually let it grow to "let's grab coffee after". Eventually if you think your spouses might hit it off, invite them over for a bbq or something casual. It can't be about childcare, it's about relationships.

You kiss a lot of frogs but bit by bit you can do it.

[Anonymous]

You purchase your village. My village is the nanny, Amazon prime, Pea Pod delivery, a housecleaner, UberEats, and a few other sitters. My mom friends are great but they are just as busy as we are and can’t be relied upon for help (but we do have fun!).

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand this village concept. What is it you want from others? You want them to help you out with childcare and chores? Or do you want to make friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this village concept. What is it you want from others? You want them to help you out with childcare and chores? Or do you want to make friends?

NP. I can only speak for myself, but boy do I miss having family nearby. Those that think this is just because we must want "free childcare", etc. must be so jaded. I grew up going to dinner at my grandparents a couple times per month, going on movie/ice cream dates with my single aunt, having raucous sleepovers with my cousins. I still text with a couple of my aunts all the time. My kids will have a much more limited version of all of that, everyone lives too far away to see more than a couple times per year. You don't know what you have until you don't.

And while we have some friends we can call on in case of emergencies, it's just different. Or at least it was with my family- everyone helped eachother out so there's less feeling like you're imposing when asking for a favor.

[Anonymous]

My village is my au pair,and as others have said, amazon prime and peapod. I became really ill in my early 30s. That's when I was forced to learn that you can't really count on anyone for support. At least people are more willing to step in whn it comes to kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this village concept. What is it you want from others? You want them to help you out with childcare and chores? Or do you want to make friends?

NP. I can only speak for myself, but boy do I miss having family nearby. Those that think this is just because we must want "free childcare", etc. must be so jaded. I grew up going to dinner at my grandparents a couple times per month, going on movie/ice cream dates with my single aunt, having raucous sleepovers with my cousins. I still text with a couple of my aunts all the time. My kids will have a much more limited version of all of that, everyone lives too far away to see more than a couple times per year. You don't know what you have until you don't.

And while we have some friends we can call on in case of emergencies, it's just different. Or at least it was with my family- everyone helped eachother out so there's less feeling like you're imposing when asking for a favor.

So you want to live closer to family so you can spend more time together. Got it. That’s not what I gathered from OP’s post

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My village is my au pair,and as others have said, amazon prime and peapod. I became really ill in my early 30s. That's when I was forced to learn that you can't really count on anyone for support. At least people are more willing to step in whn it comes to kids.

+1. I think there will be more and more of these services available as the boomers retire and need help. Grocery delivery is a great help already and people of all ages are using Uber and Lyft to get around.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP, but for those in this situation, you suck it up. The young years are almost over. If you've been at this for 4 years, your child is about to leave toddlerhood (or already has). Life gets easier after 2.

We have twins and had no family around. Since we had kids late (in our 40's), all of our "peers" with kids about the same age as ours are 10-20 years younger than we are. We share having kids the same age, but don't have as much in common with our peers. Most of our peers have older kids or are empty nesters, so we don't have as much in common with them other than our friendship.

So, what did we do? We learned to adjust. We took very few vacations during the first few years. We saved our vacation time for when one of the kids was sick and we would determine who would stay home with the sick child based on who had the least busy day planned. We were fortunate that both of our employers were pretty flexible, but this is part of why we both work for the federal government. We make less, but we have more flexibility. We plan around giving each of us some time off. I have a regular activity on Thursday evenings. My wife has periodic events with friends where she'll take a whole day on Saturday to do something with them. However, we didn't do as much of this in the first two years. Then, most of our friends were from the multiples club where we found other families with some of the same issues as we had. A friend who had singletons, is active with a "Mom's group" that she met through the hospital where she delivered. She made friends with 4-5 other Moms who attended the same childbirth classes as her. They get together about once a quarter for lunch and a playdate with the kids. There are several Mom's groups around if you there isn't one that you are affiliated with. Look for Mom's groups in your local area and find one that matches the age group of your child, as it is helpful to have lunch/playdate combos.

If you don't have groups like that, then start taking your child to local events and look for parents of similar kids to make friends with. We had two boys and we made friends with a family that had a son about the same age as us when we took our children to local community events at the library, some with toddler activities (tumbling, 2-5 yo soccer, etc) and ones we met at the local neighborhood playground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this village concept. What is it you want from others? You want them to help you out with childcare and chores? Or do you want to make friends?

I posted earlier about creating a village and for me it is: having someone who I can text and ask to pick up my kid from school or give them a ride home from practice (and I am happy to do the same), a neighborhood teen to feed the cat when we are away (we are friendly with her parents), someone to bring in our mail when we are away (neighbors), someone to celebrate occasions with and invite over for pizza or impromptu dinners. Other people who know and care about my children (besides family) People to share stories with and get advice from. In my case the above people are both friends, and friendly acquaintances (parents of my kids’ friends). Knowing we are not alone, and knowing other people have my back in a pinch (and I, theirs). It makes parenting and family life a lot easier and less lonely.

[Anonymous]

It gets worse after the little kid years. Just wait until sports and homework start in mid-elementary. I was in your shoes, and we decided it would be best for my DH to become a SAHD.

[Anonymous]

Agree with others who say you have to make your village. 4 years ago, I was living in a new city, no family, a small and young office of coworkers, getting divorced. I joined my college alum club, joined facebook mom groups for my area, went to every remotely applicable meetup at a time when I was available, tried a church (not into it), talked to my neighbors. It took about a year to really feel like I was making progress, but I now have a community of helpful, friendly people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this village concept. What is it you want from others? You want them to help you out with childcare and chores? Or do you want to make friends?

I posted earlier about creating a village and for me it is: having someone who I can text and ask to pick up my kid from school or give them a ride home from practice (and I am happy to do the same), a neighborhood teen to feed the cat when we are away (we are friendly with her parents), someone to bring in our mail when we are away (neighbors), someone to celebrate occasions with and invite over for pizza or impromptu dinners. Other people who know and care about my children (besides family) People to share stories with and get advice from. In my case the above people are both friends, and friendly acquaintances (parents of my kids’ friends). Knowing we are not alone, and knowing other people have my back in a pinch (and I, theirs). It makes parenting and family life a lot easier and less lonely.

It sounds like you want your friends and family to provide free labor. Also not sure how it’s easier if you’re also expected to help in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this village concept. What is it you want from others? You want them to help you out with childcare and chores? Or do you want to make friends?

I posted earlier about creating a village and for me it is: having someone who I can text and ask to pick up my kid from school or give them a ride home from practice (and I am happy to do the same), a neighborhood teen to feed the cat when we are away (we are friendly with her parents), someone to bring in our mail when we are away (neighbors), someone to celebrate occasions with and invite over for pizza or impromptu dinners. Other people who know and care about my children (besides family) People to share stories with and get advice from. In my case the above people are both friends, and friendly acquaintances (parents of my kids’ friends). Knowing we are not alone, and knowing other people have my back in a pinch (and I, theirs). It makes parenting and family life a lot easier and less lonely.

It sounds like you want your friends and family to provide free labor. Also not sure how it’s easier if you’re also expected to help in return.

Hardly. How old are your kids!? They don’t ever go to a friend’s house, or grab a ride home from practice with another parent because you got stuck in traffic? You don’t carpool? Bring in mail for your neighbors if asked? Borrow or lend something to a friend or neighbor!

I help as much as I get (probably more because I WAHM) and it isn’t about what is “easier” but about the sense of community and support.

[Anonymous]

Get a day job and use daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this village concept. What is it you want from others? You want them to help you out with childcare and chores? Or do you want to make friends?

I posted earlier about creating a village and for me it is: having someone who I can text and ask to pick up my kid from school or give them a ride home from practice (and I am happy to do the same), a neighborhood teen to feed the cat when we are away (we are friendly with her parents), someone to bring in our mail when we are away (neighbors), someone to celebrate occasions with and invite over for pizza or impromptu dinners. Other people who know and care about my children (besides family) People to share stories with and get advice from. In my case the above people are both friends, and friendly acquaintances (parents of my kids’ friends). Knowing we are not alone, and knowing other people have my back in a pinch (and I, theirs). It makes parenting and family life a lot easier and less lonely.

Yes!!!! I really don't care about people watching my kids or giving them rides. That's such a small part of the village.

Who do you call when you're trying out a new recipe that your hoping to make for you MIL next week? Who will eat it and tell you exactly how they feel? Better yet, they already have met your MIL and know how she will react? Who can you call and say I'll be over in 5 with a bottle of wine--DH is being an ass. And their husband says, okay, I'll hang out in the basement tonight. Who do you call when your SN kid makes it through the school day without a phone call? Who do you call when your 3 yr old comes down the stairs in Feb in their halloween costume and announces they're going trick or treating? And yes, when you leave a VM that your mom had a heart attack and you're at the hospital, please take care of my kids after school; I'll call you when I can---you know that is one thing you don't have think about at the moment.

Life is about sharing your experiences-the good and the bad of life. As the PP says, knowing someone has your back. Your "village" is not about someone providing you free labor. It's your friends and family. It's your community. This used to be built in when family lived close together. Now you actively have to make it happen.