My sister has turned into one of the trashiest people I’ve ever known & I’m heart broken

[Anonymous]

Alcoholism causes crippling anxiety. It is a deadly cycle.
You drink because you are anxious. You get extreme
anxiety because you drink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just got back from a multigenerational vacation with my parents, my sister and her kids, and I also vacationed with my sister and her kids a few weeks ago and she just ruined both trips for everyone with her behavior and I am so depressed with the person she’s become. she drinks heavily and is a loud, messy drunk. When she isn’t drinking, she’s still super loud, cursing, screaming at her kids for anything and everything no matter where we are (the pool, the beach, a casual restaurant, a fine dining restaurant, the lobby of a hotel, outside, everywhere). She yells at my parents, demands they pay for stuff. She is so cheap to the point it’s manipulative. Mommy mother, my children and I basically take over caring for her children on both trips because otherwise they’d be crying nonstop from being spanked and yelled out and wouldn’t have a normal childhood for a few days. Basically my sister now acts like she would be a great guest on Dr Phil or Maury. She’s 40.

My father is just beside himself with how my sister has turned out. My mother cries about it when she’s alone with me. I am really fed up with my sister milking my parents for so much childcare and money, for embarrassing us everywhere we go, and just being awful. Her poor kids. I am just so sad with the realization that this is how she is and probably won’t change.

Anyway I guess my question is has anyone else had a sibling turn out so differently, especially with a huge drinking problem? How did you deal? Did you even do anything. For now I am focusing on my own children and their needs but even they have said they never want to go on a trip with my sister again.

Wrong attitude - your sisters kids need more ‘free childcare and money’ and you need to take more vacations with those kids so that they can have more ‘normal times’ . What are you thinking here?? One of you - you or parents - should be thinking about getting custody of those kids!

[Anonymous]

My sister in law is similar. My wife’s sister. My in laws though cave to her every fake needs. She’s aggressive, obnoxious and an overall terrible human being. My in laws though treat like gold though and ignore her bad decisions. They cover everything up and are afraid she’ll go psycho on them, and she has. They expect me and my wife to just grin and bear it and when we don’t my in laws get mad at us ! My wife and I have washed our hands of the situation and spend as little time as we can with sister in law. Not ideal, but you can only let yourself get treated like crap for so long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are enabling her behavior. Don’t go on vacation with them, don’t believe you can fix her problems, stop discussing it with your family. Your parents will probably stay involved “for the sake of the kids”, maybe rightfully so, but unfortunately it will hinder the overall situation rather than help, because your sister will not have to learn how to get her life together. I’m so intimately aware of this dynamic that I could have written your post. In my family’s case, it has only gotten worse, bordering on tragic. I focus on my own husband and kids (and lots of therapy), my door is open to my parents if they want to visit us (which they rarely can due to their obligations to their other grandkids), but we don’t do extended family visits to their hometown anymore.

Thank you for your post. Over the last 2 years I have developed horrible anxiety for how my sister is turning out and how her oldest kid is developing. I have gone to therapy over it, started meditating, etc. My nephew has become a total nightmare, he is violent (he hits, throws things, bites, spits at you, kicks you in the shins, breaks everything he can get his hands on). He uses horrible language and phrases ("you disgust me, I hate you, you're so fat, you're nothing, I never want to see you again, F you, I hate this sh!t, you're a b!tch". He is 6. He has gotten kicked out of one daycare and one half day private kindergarten. He will start the local public school (which is excellent) in a week. My sister got him into behavioral therapy last spring at the insistence of his school, but stop after a month because she said he was all better and it was too expensive. My parents and I offered to pay. I pleaded with her to get him tested so he can have some sort of IEP or plan for when he starts public. But someone at her hospital where she works told her she shouldn't do that because he will be labeled for life and that's worse. Her other kid is much younger and seems ok.

My sister refuses to do anything positive or take suggestions when she asks for them. I don't give her unsolicited advice. I also do not want to take her kids on vacation, I've done that, the 6 year old threw one of those small no hole bowling balls at me because he was upset he got a gutter ball at bowling. He also has pulled my hair and almost broken my nose. My kids are miserable when they are around, it's not fun for anyone. And I have to put my children first in this. It sucks all around.

What you are describing is not normal behavior for a 6 year old that I've ever seen. I really have no advice or suggestions. I think your sister is stressed out, terrified and in major denial over her son's problems. She's going out with friends and dropping her son off with Grandma as a way to avoid his very obvious problem.

He starts school in a week. Pray that the school will help your sister get appropriate help for her son. In the meantime, I think you should limit how much time your own children are around your nephew because I think he could potentially hurt them....he threw a bowling ball at you, Op.

I'm sorry your family is going through this. If you can maybe get together with your sister one on one, no kids, no grandparents maybe you can have a heart to heart talk with her. She must be so scared and overwhelmed..

I'll state it again - this is not normal behavior for a 6 year old and as dysfunctional as your sister and her husband may be I do not think that they are the sole cause of this kid's problems. It sounds like this kid has something serious going on with him and Op's dh has completely checked out of all parental responsibilities. Op's sister is overwhelmed, in denial and avoiding the problem by drinking/going out/dropping her kids off with Grandma.

Op, it's important that when you talk to your sister you don't lay the blame for her son's behavior squarely on her shoulders. It's important to validate that she really does have a lot on her plate. Just imagine what her life must be like dealing with such an angry child day in, day out while her husband looks the other way, sticks his head in the sand and only looks up to criticize every.Damned.Thing.That.She.Does. Imagine being terrified that her older child might put her youngest in the hospital one day. Maybe even worse. Imagine how she feels when her parents and own sister criticize the way she is handling things. She's drowning, Op.

She is dealing with something HUGE here. She probably needs to see a counselor herself and she definitely needs to seek professional help for her son.

[Anonymous]

^Op's *sister's* dh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister in law is similar. My wife’s sister. My in laws though cave to her every fake needs. She’s aggressive, obnoxious and an overall terrible human being. My in laws though treat like gold though and ignore her bad decisions. They cover everything up and are afraid she’ll go psycho on them, and she has. They expect me and my wife to just grin and bear it and when we don’t my in laws get mad at us ! My wife and I have washed our hands of the situation and spend as little time as we can with sister in law. Not ideal, but you can only let yourself get treated like crap for so long.

Yup, this is my brother. He has a terrible anger problem, has not advanced in his career and was fire this year. My parents are bailing him out again by basically paying for him to work at my dad's "company" ... this is the 2nd time they have done this. I am just over it all and really pulling back from those relationships. Sometimes, that's all you can do. I feel bad because I wanted to be around for my nephews, but my brother's anger has resulted in him yelling at family members and I just cannot take it anymore. We are grown-ass adults. Learn to manage your temper.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like Op's sister is working and has worked for a long time and so has her husband. The reason they are relying so heavily on the grandparents' for childcare is because the 6 year old keeps getting kicked out of daycare and pre-k.

He'll be starting school in a week so hopefully the school will be able to better work with him. Do they kick 6 year old kids out of public school for being violent? I honestly don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your sister is an alcoholic and your take is that she is trashy and unpleasant to be around. No wonder she drinks. Way to not be able to assess a situation

Oh please, it is not OP’s fault that her sister is an alcoholic.

PP has a point. Of course it’s not OP’s fault that the sister is alcoholic. But the fact that the family judges the sister rather than recognizing the core of her problem is a symptom of the family’s dysfunction.

No. The sister being an alcoholic is THE core of the family’s dysfunction. The sister’s behavior is her responsibility and only her responsibility. And she is the one not only ruining the experiences of others, she’s traumatizing all the children that are witness to her behavior.

Plus 1000

Alanon for you. Alanon for your parents. Alateen for your sisters kids age 10 and up. Your parents can drop them off, it is free.

Is your sister driving the children under the influence? At some point your BIL may end up with primary custody and your sister get visitation due to your sisters alcoholism.
Generally the non alcoholic spouse has a better shot at getting primary custody than the alcoholic and the alcoholic will get 2 days a week or an overnight.

Op has stated that her sister takes Uber to go out with her friends, drinks more heavily on vacation but does not drink at work/alcohol is not affecting her job. It doesn't sound as though Op is around her sister much during a regular work/school week. She's mainly seeing her sister on holidays and vacations where people do tend to stay up later, drink more and otherwise indulge.

[Anonymous]

A sister is special - it’s very very painful to see disaster unfold with your own sister.

Please keep repeating to yourself that you are not responsible for her. When she acts out draw a calm line. Do NOT feel guilty - maybe go to Al Anon.

[Anonymous]

I guess I'll be the outlier here and wholeheartedly support OP's decision to keep her kids/family far away from their violent cousin.

Just, no. No weekends, no bringing him along with you to on your own vacation, no forced Thanksgiving fake happiness.

I have sympathy for him and I hope he turns out well but ... I'm a provider in a locked, inpatient behavioral health unit here in the DMV. I get a bad feeling about this unfortunate kid from OP's words thus far. I'd never put him in the rec room with my same-age kids while I made dinner in the other part of the house. Even supervised, it's patently unfair to OP's kids to subject them to a peer you expect to spit on them and tell them to F off.

I'd encourage her to keep showing support from afar with offers to fund therapies, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'll be the outlier here and wholeheartedly support OP's decision to keep her kids/family far away from their violent cousin.

Just, no. No weekends, no bringing him along with you to on your own vacation, no forced Thanksgiving fake happiness.

I have sympathy for him and I hope he turns out well but ... I'm a provider in a locked, inpatient behavioral health unit here in the DMV. I get a bad feeling about this unfortunate kid from OP's words thus far. I'd never put him in the rec room with my same-age kids while I made dinner in the other part of the house. Even supervised, it's patently unfair to OP's kids to subject them to a peer you expect to spit on them and tell them to F off.

I'd encourage her to keep showing support from afar with offers to fund therapies, etc.

This. What is going on with this kid is serious. He needs professional help. This is too big for "the family" to handle alone. Your sister is a basket case for good reason. She is terrified, stressed out and completely overwhelmed because she lives with this child. Every day.

[Anonymous]

I also don't think your elderly parents should be watching this kid. I'm sorry to say that but he is too much for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'll be the outlier here and wholeheartedly support OP's decision to keep her kids/family far away from their violent cousin.

Just, no. No weekends, no bringing him along with you to on your own vacation, no forced Thanksgiving fake happiness.

I have sympathy for him and I hope he turns out well but ... I'm a provider in a locked, inpatient behavioral health unit here in the DMV. I get a bad feeling about this unfortunate kid from OP's words thus far. I'd never put him in the rec room with my same-age kids while I made dinner in the other part of the house. Even supervised, it's patently unfair to OP's kids to subject them to a peer you expect to spit on them and tell them to F off.

I'd encourage her to keep showing support from afar with offers to fund therapies, etc.

+100 here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'll be the outlier here and wholeheartedly support OP's decision to keep her kids/family far away from their violent cousin.

Just, no. No weekends, no bringing him along with you to on your own vacation, no forced Thanksgiving fake happiness.

I have sympathy for him and I hope he turns out well but ... I'm a provider in a locked, inpatient behavioral health unit here in the DMV. I get a bad feeling about this unfortunate kid from OP's words thus far. I'd never put him in the rec room with my same-age kids while I made dinner in the other part of the house. Even supervised, it's patently unfair to OP's kids to subject them to a peer you expect to spit on them and tell them to F off.

I'd encourage her to keep showing support from afar with offers to fund therapies, etc.

Agree to this.

I'd also encourage OP to have her parents step away from the child care. If grandad ends up in the hospital from the stress of caring for the grandchild
the grandparents should step away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'll be the outlier here and wholeheartedly support OP's decision to keep her kids/family far away from their violent cousin.

Just, no. No weekends, no bringing him along with you to on your own vacation, no forced Thanksgiving fake happiness.

I have sympathy for him and I hope he turns out well but ... I'm a provider in a locked, inpatient behavioral health unit here in the DMV. I get a bad feeling about this unfortunate kid from OP's words thus far. I'd never put him in the rec room with my same-age kids while I made dinner in the other part of the house. Even supervised, it's patently unfair to OP's kids to subject them to a peer you expect to spit on them and tell them to F off.

I'd encourage her to keep showing support from afar with offers to fund therapies, etc.

+1

Had a similar situation with a step-cousin same age as my kids. Incredibly violent. After a few incidents we won’t be around my sister and her family anymore.