My sister has turned into one of the trashiest people I’ve ever known & I’m heart broken

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

I don't live near my sister, my parents do so I cannot swing by to take her kids or help out. I live 3 hours away and have my own children with their own needs. I have tried over the years to be more involved and then my own marriage and children suffered so I had to make a choice and I chose my nuclear family. I am only one person, and I couldn't do it all.

My sister is married and has been gainfully employed for over a decade as a nurse. I don't believe she drinks on the job. I don't believe she is an alcoholic in the traditional sense (if there is one). She does however drink on vacation to excess and goes out with her friends regularly to party (taking Ubers).

She is married. My BIL is a jerk. He isn't hands on with the kids, he is mean, and probably calls her fat, lazy, etc. She's come to me asking for divorce help, I get her lawyer recs and talk to friends who are divorce lawyers and they wait for her to call and then she changes her mind and blames me for suggesting she break up her family. Rinse, repeat. She did this again just two weeks ago.

My husband and I have discussed stepping in for custody a year ago and spoke to LCSW and two attorneys and they all said we would't get custody and the children would be more traumatized at this point. My sister did agree to get my nephew into therapy for behavioral issues, but I think his parents are always yelling at him. My mother and I found out she's taken him out of therapy because it was too expensive. So we begged her to take him back and that we would pay. She won't get him tested for her public school system because I think he desperately needs a behavioral plan (whatever those are called) but she doesn't want him "labeled for life".

My father literally had shortness of breath and had to go to the hospital on Thursday over dealing with my sister's nasty behavior. My mother said my sister is on medication for anxiety, but it doesn't seem like it's working.

I can definitely access the situation, my 40 year old sister has turned into the "Cash Me Outside" Girl.

Really, you think your dad went to the ER because your sister is badly behaved? That’s a new one.

[Anonymous]

Next time, go on vacation with your parents and offer to take her children with you so she gets a “break.” I bet everyone will be happier.

[Anonymous]

OP some alcoholics have a pattern of losing it on weekends and vacations and keeping it together at work. They are no less sick. She needs rehab.

[Anonymous]

Your parents are enabling her behavior. Don’t go on vacation with them, don’t believe you can fix her problems, stop discussing it with your family. Your parents will probably stay involved “for the sake of the kids”, maybe rightfully so, but unfortunately it will hinder the overall situation rather than help, because your sister will not have to learn how to get her life together. I’m so intimately aware of this dynamic that I could have written your post. In my family’s case, it has only gotten worse, bordering on tragic. I focus on my own husband and kids (and lots of therapy), my door is open to my parents if they want to visit us (which they rarely can due to their obligations to their other grandkids), but we don’t do extended family visits to their hometown anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop vacationing with her! Just stop, Op.

I don't want to vacation with her. She just showed up at the beach on our beach vacation at my parents' beach house and this last vacation was a milestone wedding anniversary for my parents and my parents requested take a multigenerational trip at a fancy resort (think Greenbrier or Homestead). Otherwise I don't take trips with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

I don't live near my sister, my parents do so I cannot swing by to take her kids or help out. I live 3 hours away and have my own children with their own needs. I have tried over the years to be more involved and then my own marriage and children suffered so I had to make a choice and I chose my nuclear family. I am only one person, and I couldn't do it all.

My sister is married and has been gainfully employed for over a decade as a nurse. I don't believe she drinks on the job. I don't believe she is an alcoholic in the traditional sense (if there is one). She does however drink on vacation to excess and goes out with her friends regularly to party (taking Ubers).

She is married. My BIL is a jerk. He isn't hands on with the kids, he is mean, and probably calls her fat, lazy, etc. She's come to me asking for divorce help, I get her lawyer recs and talk to friends who are divorce lawyers and they wait for her to call and then she changes her mind and blames me for suggesting she break up her family. Rinse, repeat. She did this again just two weeks ago.

My husband and I have discussed stepping in for custody a year ago and spoke to LCSW and two attorneys and they all said we would't get custody and the children would be more traumatized at this point. My sister did agree to get my nephew into therapy for behavioral issues, but I think his parents are always yelling at him. My mother and I found out she's taken him out of therapy because it was too expensive. So we begged her to take him back and that we would pay. She won't get him tested for her public school system because I think he desperately needs a behavioral plan (whatever those are called) but she doesn't want him "labeled for life".

My father literally had shortness of breath and had to go to the hospital on Thursday over dealing with my sister's nasty behavior. My mother said my sister is on medication for anxiety, but it doesn't seem like it's working.

I can definitely access the situation, my 40 year old sister has turned into the "Cash Me Outside" Girl.

Really, you think your dad went to the ER because your sister is badly behaved? That’s a new one.

Well he did, on Friday. So thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your sister is an alcoholic and your take is that she is trashy and unpleasant to be around. No wonder she drinks. Way to not be able to assess a situation

Oh please, it is not OP’s fault that her sister is an alcoholic.

PP has a point. Of course it’s not OP’s fault that the sister is alcoholic. But the fact that the family judges the sister rather than recognizing the core of her problem is a symptom of the family’s dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop vacationing with her! Just stop, Op.

I don't want to vacation with her. She just showed up at the beach on our beach vacation at my parents' beach house and this last vacation was a milestone wedding anniversary for my parents and my parents requested take a multigenerational trip at a fancy resort (think Greenbrier or Homestead). Otherwise I don't take trips with her.

Start planning your own vacations. As long as you rely so heavily on your parents to provide accommodations you will never have a peaceful getaway. Your sister sounds like an azz, btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are enabling her behavior. Don’t go on vacation with them, don’t believe you can fix her problems, stop discussing it with your family. Your parents will probably stay involved “for the sake of the kids”, maybe rightfully so, but unfortunately it will hinder the overall situation rather than help, because your sister will not have to learn how to get her life together. I’m so intimately aware of this dynamic that I could have written your post. In my family’s case, it has only gotten worse, bordering on tragic. I focus on my own husband and kids (and lots of therapy), my door is open to my parents if they want to visit us (which they rarely can due to their obligations to their other grandkids), but we don’t do extended family visits to their hometown anymore.

Thank you for your post. Over the last 2 years I have developed horrible anxiety for how my sister is turning out and how her oldest kid is developing. I have gone to therapy over it, started meditating, etc. My nephew has become a total nightmare, he is violent (he hits, throws things, bites, spits at you, kicks you in the shins, breaks everything he can get his hands on). He uses horrible language and phrases ("you disgust me, I hate you, you're so fat, you're nothing, I never want to see you again, F you, I hate this sh!t, you're a b!tch". He is 6. He has gotten kicked out of one daycare and one half day private kindergarten. He will start the local public school (which is excellent) in a week. My sister got him into behavioral therapy last spring at the insistence of his school, but stop after a month because she said he was all better and it was too expensive. My parents and I offered to pay. I pleaded with her to get him tested so he can have some sort of IEP or plan for when he starts public. But someone at her hospital where she works told her she shouldn't do that because he will be labeled for life and that's worse. Her other kid is much younger and seems ok.

My sister refuses to do anything positive or take suggestions when she asks for them. I don't give her unsolicited advice. I also do not want to take her kids on vacation, I've done that, the 6 year old threw one of those small no hole bowling balls at me because he was upset he got a gutter ball at bowling. He also has pulled my hair and almost broken my nose. My kids are miserable when they are around, it's not fun for anyone. And I have to put my children first in this. It sucks all around.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your sister is stressed and in an abusive marriage. She copes by drinking and taking her frustrations out on her kids. Is she at all introspective? Is there a way to stage an intervention? Any way your parents can keep the kids for a few months while she gets help for substance abuse/separates from her husband?

I get that it’s miserable to observe, but I don’t think your sister is trashy. She’s struggling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop vacationing with her! Just stop, Op.

I don't want to vacation with her. She just showed up at the beach on our beach vacation at my parents' beach house and this last vacation was a milestone wedding anniversary for my parents and my parents requested take a multigenerational trip at a fancy resort (think Greenbrier or Homestead). Otherwise I don't take trips with her.

Start planning your own vacations. As long as you rely so heavily on your parents to provide accommodations you will never have a peaceful getaway. Your sister sounds like an azz, btw.

I didn't mean to give the impression that I rely on my parents for anything, much less accommodations. We take 99% of our vacations without my parents and/or to their beach house. So that's not the issue. Wish it was that simple though.

[Anonymous]

Also, based on what you’re saying your older nephew does, sounds like your BIL may be physically abusive. I’m so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, based on what you’re saying your older nephew does, sounds like your BIL may be physically abusive. I’m so sorry.

NP: Whether or not your BIL is physically abusive, you've observed your sister's physical and emotional abuse of her children, and I can understand why you'd be so concerned, OP. Your description of her behavior toward your parents also sounds like extreme emotional abuse.

Have you consulted a therapist who's skilled in helping families navigate dysfunction? If you haven't, I hope you will. You need perspective and help with developing a plan of action.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your sister is an alcoholic and your take is that she is trashy and unpleasant to be around. No wonder she drinks. Way to not be able to assess a situation

Oh please, it is not OP’s fault that her sister is an alcoholic.

PP has a point. Of course it’s not OP’s fault that the sister is alcoholic. But the fact that the family judges the sister rather than recognizing the core of her problem is a symptom of the family’s dysfunction.

No. The sister being an alcoholic is THE core of the family’s dysfunction. The sister’s behavior is her responsibility and only her responsibility. And she is the one not only ruining the experiences of others, she’s traumatizing all the children that are witness to her behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, based on what you’re saying your older nephew does, sounds like your BIL may be physically abusive. I’m so sorry.

Well we know the mother is abusive.