Reply to My sister has turned into one of the trashiest people I’ve ever known & I’m heart broken

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Your parents are enabling her behavior. Don’t go on vacation with them, don’t believe you can fix her problems, stop discussing it with your family. Your parents will probably stay involved “for the sake of the kids”, maybe rightfully so, but unfortunately it will hinder the overall situation rather than help, because your sister will not have to learn how to get her life together.  I’m so intimately aware of this dynamic that I could have written your post. In my family’s case, it has only gotten worse, bordering on tragic. I focus on my own husband and kids (and lots of therapy), my door is open to my parents if they want to visit us (which they rarely can due to their obligations to their other grandkids), but we don’t do extended family visits to their hometown anymore. [/quote]

Thank you for your post.  Over the last 2 years I have developed horrible anxiety for how my sister is turning out and how her oldest kid is developing.  I have gone to therapy over it, started meditating, etc.  [b]My nephew has become a total nightmare, he is violent (he hits, throws things, bites, spits at you, kicks you in the shins, breaks everything he can get his hands on).  He uses horrible language and phrases ("you disgust me, I hate you, you're so fat, you're nothing, I never want to see you again, F you, I hate this sh!t, you're a b!tch". He is 6.  He has gotten kicked out of one daycare and one half day private kindergarten.  He will start the local public school (which is excellent) in a week.  My sister got him into behavioral therapy last spring at the insistence of his school,[/b] but stop after a month because she said he was all better and it was too expensive.  My parents and I offered to pay.  I pleaded with her to get him tested so he can have some sort of IEP or plan for when he starts public. But someone at her hospital where she works told her she shouldn't do that because he will be labeled for life and that's worse.   Her other kid is much younger and seems ok.

My sister refuses to do anything positive or take suggestions when she asks for them.  I don't give her unsolicited advice.  I also do not want to take her kids on vacation, I've done that, [b]the 6 year old threw one of those small no hole bowling balls at me because he was upset he got a gutter ball at bowling.  He also has pulled my hair and almost broken my nose.  My kids are miserable when they [/b]are around, it's not fun for anyone.  And I have to put my children first in this.  It sucks all around.[/quote]

What you are describing is not normal behavior for a 6 year old that I've ever seen.  I really have no advice or suggestions.  I think your sister is stressed out, terrified and in major denial over her son's problems.  She's going out with friends and dropping her son off with Grandma as a way to avoid his very obvious problem.

He starts school in a week.  Pray that the school will help your sister get appropriate help for her son.  In the meantime, I think you should limit how much time your own children are around your nephew because I think he could potentially hurt them....he threw a bowling ball at you, Op.

I'm sorry your family is going through this.  If you can maybe get together with your sister one on one, no kids, no grandparents maybe you can have a heart to heart talk with her. She must be so scared and overwhelmed..[/quote]

I'll state it again - this is not normal behavior for a 6 year old and as dysfunctional as your sister and her husband may be I do not think that they are the sole cause of this kid's problems.  It sounds like this kid has something serious going on with him and Op's dh has completely checked out of all parental responsibilities. Op's sister is overwhelmed, in denial and avoiding the problem by drinking/going out/dropping her kids off with Grandma.

Op, it's important that when you talk to your sister you don't lay the blame for her son's behavior squarely on her shoulders.  It's important to validate that she really does have a lot on her plate.  Just imagine what her life must be like dealing with such an angry child day in, day out while her husband looks the other way, sticks his head in the sand and only looks up to criticize every.Damned.Thing.That.She.Does.  Imagine being terrified that her older child might put her youngest in the hospital one day.  Maybe even worse.  Imagine how she feels when her parents and own sister criticize the way she is handling things.  She's drowning, Op.

She is dealing with something HUGE here.  She probably needs to see a counselor herself and she definitely needs to seek professional help for her son.[/quote]

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