My sister has turned into one of the trashiest people I’ve ever known & I’m heart broken

[Anonymous]

Yet another thread where a woman's terrible behavior is pinned on someone else. It would be impossible to suggest that sister is actually responsible for her own behavior.

[Anonymous]

Is your sister married? Sometimes it can be the influence of a spouse. My sister lived with our parents until she went to college at 18. She's been with her husband for 20 years. She's had more years of influence from him than her family. She grew up UMC and well-spoken, well-read etc., and she now speaks with a fake? Appalachian accent because of her husband and in-laws. She had nice teeth growing up (orthodontia) but now is missing teeth and hasn't gotten them fixed. We were never yelled at or spanked but she "hollers" at her kids and smacks them. It's scary to me and I try to limit my kids spending time at her house. When we hang out one to one as sisters, it seems fine, and she loses her mountain accent. Maybe she's just code switching to survive but it's weird and sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your sister married? Sometimes it can be the influence of a spouse. My sister lived with our parents until she went to college at 18. She's been with her husband for 20 years. She's had more years of influence from him than her family. She grew up UMC and well-spoken, well-read etc., and she now speaks with a fake? Appalachian accent because of her husband and in-laws. She had nice teeth growing up (orthodontia) but now is missing teeth and hasn't gotten them fixed. We were never yelled at or spanked but she "hollers" at her kids and smacks them. It's scary to me and I try to limit my kids spending time at her house. When we hang out one to one as sisters, it seems fine, and she loses her mountain accent. Maybe she's just code switching to survive but it's weird and sad.

Did you respond to wrong thread? Or just didn’t read the thread before posting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your sister is an alcoholic and your take is that she is trashy and unpleasant to be around. No wonder she drinks. Way to not be able to assess a situation

Oh please, it is not OP’s fault that her sister is an alcoholic.

PP has a point. Of course it’s not OP’s fault that the sister is alcoholic. But the fact that the family judges the sister rather than recognizing the core of her problem is a symptom of the family’s dysfunction.

No. The sister being an alcoholic is THE core of the family’s dysfunction. The sister’s behavior is her responsibility and only her responsibility. And she is the one not only ruining the experiences of others, she’s traumatizing all the children that are witness to her behavior.

It’s absolutely not okay for children to be victims of the sister’s misbehavior.

And...surely the sister’s story has roots her childhood. Her experiences likely did not set her up well for adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your sister is an alcoholic and your take is that she is trashy and unpleasant to be around. No wonder she drinks. Way to not be able to assess a situation

Oh please, it is not OP’s fault that her sister is an alcoholic.

PP has a point. Of course it’s not OP’s fault that the sister is alcoholic. But the fact that the family judges the sister rather than recognizing the core of her problem is a symptom of the family’s dysfunction.

Which was exactly the point I was trying to make. Then OP comes back and calls her sister the “cash me outside girl“.

Ironically I think that’s a perfect example she used example of a child from such a dysfunctional environment that she’s acting out an out rages and ridiculous Waze and nobody is helping her they’re just sitting back screaming about how out rages her behavior is a nobody trying to fix the dysfunction b that started it in the first place. OP is going to be in a world of hurt if she gives out her sister was abused or assaulted as a child .

[Anonymous]

1. Is her alcoholism causing her behavior issues?

2. She seems like a good candidate for an intervention. Film her being abusive to her children, and show it to her. Ask her whether she wants her adult children to ever visit her or care for her once they've become independent. Because at that rate they will never ever come back once they leave.

[Anonymous]

Your parents need to grow a hack bone and not pay for everything. They and you beee to set boundaries. Tell her I’m advance that it’s pay your own way (or what and who us paying for what) and if she makes a scene at a restaurant or public are you’ll be leaving immediately. Do it! Stick to your guns. If it’s in the middle of dinner, get your bill and the food in take out boxes and leave.

[Anonymous]

This is what I would do: I would just lay it on the table with sis. Say everything you said here. Express your primary concern for the kids, especially the 6 year old (who is hearing that language somewhere) and advise her that this will be the last time you discuss it unless she actually asks for help and follows through. Advise that you will no longer spend time with her.

I'd tell the parents that I've had this conversation and again advise that you don't want to be at any events when she will be attending.

Out of sight, out of mind works for me. If it works for you and your parents, you can all do the same. Your parents have not put up boundaries and you cannot do this for them. Expect it to get worse before it gets better.

PS, I do agree that with the way you write about your sister, you have a lot of derision for her and I feel that this has been brewing for a while, since before she was even out of the house. I think your sister feels that she has always been the black sheep and her self and family-destructive behaviours are part of coping with that. But in the same way as you all need to make your boundaries and seek individual help, so does she. You can't make her do this, you can just get good at repeating this a lot to her until she is able to get the help she needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Next time, go on vacation with your parents and offer to take her children with you so she gets a “break.” I bet everyone will be happier.

This. You do not take her along. Your parents have to stop being enablers and make it clear that she is not welcome nor they will pay for anything for her or her kids. An intervention is needed and your sister can be managed, but it requires tough love from your parents. I think that is the hard part.

You can let her know that your parents and you will always include her children for vacations and for holidays, but not her or her DH. If your parents are concerned, this can be a part of scheduled visits with grandparents every weekend etc.

If you think she is hitting her kids, call CPS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are enabling her behavior. Don’t go on vacation with them, don’t believe you can fix her problems, stop discussing it with your family. Your parents will probably stay involved “for the sake of the kids”, maybe rightfully so, but unfortunately it will hinder the overall situation rather than help, because your sister will not have to learn how to get her life together. I’m so intimately aware of this dynamic that I could have written your post. In my family’s case, it has only gotten worse, bordering on tragic. I focus on my own husband and kids (and lots of therapy), my door is open to my parents if they want to visit us (which they rarely can due to their obligations to their other grandkids), but we don’t do extended family visits to their hometown anymore.

Thank you for your post. Over the last 2 years I have developed horrible anxiety for how my sister is turning out and how her oldest kid is developing. I have gone to therapy over it, started meditating, etc. My nephew has become a total nightmare, he is violent (he hits, throws things, bites, spits at you, kicks you in the shins, breaks everything he can get his hands on). He uses horrible language and phrases ("you disgust me, I hate you, you're so fat, you're nothing, I never want to see you again, F you, I hate this sh!t, you're a b!tch". He is 6. He has gotten kicked out of one daycare and one half day private kindergarten. He will start the local public school (which is excellent) in a week. My sister got him into behavioral therapy last spring at the insistence of his school, but stop after a month because she said he was all better and it was too expensive. My parents and I offered to pay. I pleaded with her to get him tested so he can have some sort of IEP or plan for when he starts public. But someone at her hospital where she works told her she shouldn't do that because he will be labeled for life and that's worse. Her other kid is much younger and seems ok.

My sister refuses to do anything positive or take suggestions when she asks for them. I don't give her unsolicited advice. I also do not want to take her kids on vacation, I've done that, the 6 year old threw one of those small no hole bowling balls at me because he was upset he got a gutter ball at bowling. He also has pulled my hair and almost broken my nose. My kids are miserable when they are around, it's not fun for anyone. And I have to put my children first in this. It sucks all around.

What you are describing is not normal behavior for a 6 year old that I've ever seen. I really have no advice or suggestions. I think your sister is stressed out, terrified and in major denial over her son's problems. She's going out with friends and dropping her son off with Grandma as a way to avoid his very obvious problem.

He starts school in a week. Pray that the school will help your sister get appropriate help for her son. In the meantime, I think you should limit how much time your own children are around your nephew because I think he could potentially hurt them....he threw a bowling ball at you, Op.

I'm sorry your family is going through this. If you can maybe get together with your sister one on one, no kids, no grandparents maybe you can have a heart to heart talk with her. She must be so scared and overwhelmed..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP some alcoholics have a pattern of losing it on weekends and vacations and keeping it together at work. They are no less sick. She needs rehab.

+1 If you could see how to stage a family intervention or discreetly talk to some of her colleagues and see if this is an issue at work, this isn't "trashy" it's probably alcoholism.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't seem like you want to help her at all. She has a problem, she needs professional help. You know her husband won't help her.

[Anonymous]

CSP, even if it ruins your relationship with her. Saving the children is more important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your sister is an alcoholic and your take is that she is trashy and unpleasant to be around. No wonder she drinks. Way to not be able to assess a situation

Oh please, it is not OP’s fault that her sister is an alcoholic.

PP has a point. Of course it’s not OP’s fault that the sister is alcoholic. But the fact that the family judges the sister rather than recognizing the core of her problem is a symptom of the family’s dysfunction.

No. The sister being an alcoholic is THE core of the family’s dysfunction. The sister’s behavior is her responsibility and only her responsibility. And she is the one not only ruining the experiences of others, she’s traumatizing all the children that are witness to her behavior.

Plus 1000

Alanon for you. Alanon for your parents. Alateen for your sisters kids age 10 and up. Your parents can drop them off, it is free.

Is your sister driving the children under the influence? At some point your BIL may end up with primary custody and your sister get visitation due to your sisters alcoholism.
Generally the non alcoholic spouse has a better shot at getting primary custody than the alcoholic and the alcoholic will get 2 days a week or an overnight.

[Anonymous]

I especially think your parents would be helped by Alanon
since they live in the same town. It is free.