Bar Mitzvah Protocol Question: Invite Out of Town Parents?

[Anonymous]

OP, I get where you are coming from, since the same situation will occur with my kids and bunk mates. That said, I'm surprised that you don't know these parents. I've met most of my kids' bunk mates parents at this point, and I'm only 2 years in. I would welcome any of the parents at the Bar Mitzvah if they wanted to come. Or offer to help chaperone/transport the campers. If they are from out of town, there might not be any other way to get the kid to the festivities without a parent accompanying them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, it was rude of them to invite themselves but you created the mess by inviting out of town kids without giving them any kind of logistical info or guidance (not even the hotel info? Why the heck not?!?)
At this point, maybe email ALL the parents of out of town camp kids that rsvp’d and say that four camp kids are coming, and you are so excited to see them all, and here’s the logistics for the day... you’ll provide a van or whatever to get from hotel to party, and you’re happy to help match kids up with a place to stay if they need it.
You need to take some responsibility for the safety and logistics of kids you invited to this party if you aren’t willing to let their parents be involved.

Yeah, I agree with this. The way the parents invited themselves was off-putting, but they were responding to the lack of information on your end. The only way to uninvite them is for you to respond with logistics: "Sorry I didn't let you know sooner, but kids traveling alone can stay with so and so, and kids traveling with parents will receive transportation to and from the even if they stay at X hotel. We regret that we are unable to invite parents traveling with campers to attend."

But uninviting them makes you look really ungracious and cheap, regardless of the way they invited themselves. If you can't afford a few more people you have planned a party far beyond your means.

+1

At this point, the best option is just to roll with it- throw out the logistics angle while suggesting that they attend the ceremony. Honestly, most parents from out of town would probably love the option of going out to dinner/date night in DC while their kid is at a BM! If that doesn't seem to get the response that you want, then just suck it up and add 2 more guests to the party and move on.

And, lastly, FFS- do not give your son even the tiniest inkling that this drama is transpiring. Don't talk about it in front of him, even indirectly. Your son and his friend have 0% responsibility for the situation at hand- there is no reason for their relationship to be harmed by this.

[Anonymous]

I would just include them. My feeling is that if someone wants to come, then I'm not going to tell them no. I assume that it won't break the bank if you send your child to summer camp each summer and are hosting a party for x number of people. What is two more?

I had two similar situations:

1. I hosted a Bat Mitzvah for my daughter a few years ago. She invited a school friend from our old neighborhood in another state. I was not friends with the child's mother who drove several hours to bring her daughter to my daughter's Bat Mitzvah. Although I didn't invite her mother on the invitation (actually sent it to her dad's house; parents are divorced), when she RSVP'd that she'd be bringing her daughter down, I told her we'd be more than happy to have her join us for the party. She did come. We enjoyed having her there. And honestly, she might be in one picture. Who cares? So is my nephew's ex-girlfriend who we will never see again.

2. I invited my neighbors - just the parents - not the kids. When they responded that the whole family would come - parents and two kids - I rolled with it. No point in making an awkward situation out of it when we plan on living here for several more years. The kids came, had fun with the other 40 kids we had, and that was it. The kids are in several pictures because they had fun dancing and hula-hooping, etc. I don't care. They were there, so they are in the photos.

[Anonymous]

People are weird and if it’s just this family I’d let it go. I don’t think it means you need to invite all the other parents. Most parents aren’t going to want to attend a bat mitzvah for a kid they don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the feedback.

First, I never met these parents, or any of the other parents of any of the other 'camp' friends. Second, I honestly didn't know what to expect with inviting these kids. This is a Jewish camp, so everyone involved is Jewish. Our older child was invited to several out of town Mitzvahs, and I never assumed that my spouse and I were invited. We declined as travel for a weekend was not in the cards for us.

I will admit that I did not provide information about our hotel blocks for the out-of-town parents we don't know. But one parent did email us to ask and I provided that information. That parent also asked about any other kids from the camp from her geographic region and I provided those contacts and offered any help with logistics.

For this particular person, it's not like they reached out to us and asked nicely if they could attend, or reached out in general asking if they were invited or for recommendations on what would be appropriate for them to attend. Rather, they just stated matter-of-fact, that she and her husband "will" attend. Just like that. And to be perfectly honest, they weren't invited. And now, with an approach like that, I don't really want them there. I don't even know their names. I have their email from a camp roster, but I only know the camper's name, the parents names are not on the list.

Plus, we're now up to something like 4 kids from out of town who are coming to the party. I wasn't really prepared to budget for 8 additional adult guests for this event -- and more if more choose to come. And I don't really want 8 or more total and complete strangers at our party and in our pictures forever. The families of the other 3 kids seem to have no issue with not coming.

So I'm inclined to politely let them know that they are welcome to join us at the service and for the luncheon following the service. And suggest some restaurants near the party that they might enjoy during the party. But I don't think I want them at the party.

OP, looks like you have the right approach Tactful and nice response to frankly, rude people. Who the heck thinks it’s ok to crash a bar mitzvah?! And as PPs have said, these are 13 year old kids who go to these things alone all the time. They have phones too don’t they? Sheesh