Bar Mitzvah Protocol Question: Invite Out of Town Parents?

[Anonymous]

It's odd to invite out of town 13 year olds without expecting to make any provisions for the logistics. I wouldn't have done what these parents did, but I also wouldn't have issued the invitation without some kind of communication about accomodations.

If I were you at this point, I'd just do my best to incorporate them into the party. It's nice that they're going to all this trouble. Their kid must really like yours.

[Anonymous]

That is super ballsy of those people. Are they Jewish? If so, they should absolutely know better. I'd ask in one of the facebook groups that are specific for BBM families. I'm sure the other parents will have lots to say about this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP--did you make arrangements locally for the 13 year old to sleep and be transported to the service and party?

If you did not, then it's natural to assume that the parents will be doing it. If they are incurring the cost of travel then they should be included.

I usually get an email from the mitzvah mom that she has made arrangements for my child to sleep at Zoe's house and Zoe's mom will be helping with local transportation etc. It's not included in the actual invitation that goes to everyone but I know that arrangements for my child have been made.

What the actual...??? You send your 13 year old out of town to be driven around and sleep at a stranger’s house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP--did you make arrangements locally for the 13 year old to sleep and be transported to the service and party?

If you did not, then it's natural to assume that the parents will be doing it. If they are incurring the cost of travel then they should be included.

I usually get an email from the mitzvah mom that she has made arrangements for my child to sleep at Zoe's house and Zoe's mom will be helping with local transportation etc. It's not included in the actual invitation that goes to everyone but I know that arrangements for my child have been made.

What the actual...??? You send your 13 year old out of town to be driven around and sleep at a stranger’s house?

That's a hands off parent who isn't caring about her kid. Not a chance anyone with common sense would agree to that or would I take a kid in like that and risk accusations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:one of the guests responded to the invitation with a note saying "Mom & Dad will attend as we are travelling from out of town to celebrate with your family."

I think this is horrific. You don't invite yourself to somebody else's party. I agree it would be nice if OP invited the out-of-town parents who are bringing their kids in for the Mitzvah. But for the parents to just announce that they "will attend" is just awful. It puts the host in a terribly awkward position.

One poster said, "13 year olds still need supervision." Sure they do, but the room will be full of adults. But 13 year olds don't need their parents to be in the room, that's for sure.

None of those adults are going to be charged with caring for the kids without parents. Most adults will not pay attention to someone else kid, let alone your own kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:one of the guests responded to the invitation with a note saying "Mom & Dad will attend as we are travelling from out of town to celebrate with your family."

I think this is horrific. You don't invite yourself to somebody else's party. I agree it would be nice if OP invited the out-of-town parents who are bringing their kids in for the Mitzvah. But for the parents to just announce that they "will attend" is just awful. It puts the host in a terribly awkward position.

One poster said, "13 year olds still need supervision." Sure they do, but the room will be full of adults. But 13 year olds don't need their parents to be in the room, that's for sure.

None of those adults are going to be charged with caring for the kids without parents. Most adults will not pay attention to someone else kid, let alone your own kid.

That's nonsense. At most Mitzvah parties, the vast majority of the friends of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah child are attending without parents. Parents drop their kids off at the party and usually don't even get out of the car. The kids go to the event, and are picked up curbside when it is over. My kids went to dozens of parties like this, I didn't know the parents and I never set foot in the venue. Happens every weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP--did you make arrangements locally for the 13 year old to sleep and be transported to the service and party?

If you did not, then it's natural to assume that the parents will be doing it. If they are incurring the cost of travel then they should be included.

I usually get an email from the mitzvah mom that she has made arrangements for my child to sleep at Zoe's house and Zoe's mom will be helping with local transportation etc. It's not included in the actual invitation that goes to everyone but I know that arrangements for my child have been made.

What the actual...??? You send your 13 year old out of town to be driven around and sleep at a stranger’s house?

PP here. Sorry if this was unclear. My kid goes to camp with kids from Md, Va, Pa, NY, and New England. Usually there is more than one kid attending camp from the area. So the mitzvah mom asks the other camp family in the area to help with logistics for the out of town campers. My kid has attended the same camp for 6 yrs. By the time mitzvah year came I had met most of the camp parents via visiting day.

For the out of town camp mitzvahs, I know the parents hosting my child and most often she is with a few kids from her bunk.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the feedback.

First, I never met these parents, or any of the other parents of any of the other 'camp' friends. Second, I honestly didn't know what to expect with inviting these kids. This is a Jewish camp, so everyone involved is Jewish. Our older child was invited to several out of town Mitzvahs, and I never assumed that my spouse and I were invited. We declined as travel for a weekend was not in the cards for us.

I will admit that I did not provide information about our hotel blocks for the out-of-town parents we don't know. But one parent did email us to ask and I provided that information. That parent also asked about any other kids from the camp from her geographic region and I provided those contacts and offered any help with logistics.

For this particular person, it's not like they reached out to us and asked nicely if they could attend, or reached out in general asking if they were invited or for recommendations on what would be appropriate for them to attend. Rather, they just stated matter-of-fact, that she and her husband "will" attend. Just like that. And to be perfectly honest, they weren't invited. And now, with an approach like that, I don't really want them there. I don't even know their names. I have their email from a camp roster, but I only know the camper's name, the parents names are not on the list.

Plus, we're now up to something like 4 kids from out of town who are coming to the party. I wasn't really prepared to budget for 8 additional adult guests for this event -- and more if more choose to come. And I don't really want 8 or more total and complete strangers at our party and in our pictures forever. The families of the other 3 kids seem to have no issue with not coming.

So I'm inclined to politely let them know that they are welcome to join us at the service and for the luncheon following the service. And suggest some restaurants near the party that they might enjoy during the party. But I don't think I want them at the party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP--did you make arrangements locally for the 13 year old to sleep and be transported to the service and party?

If you did not, then it's natural to assume that the parents will be doing it. If they are incurring the cost of travel then they should be included.

I usually get an email from the mitzvah mom that she has made arrangements for my child to sleep at Zoe's house and Zoe's mom will be helping with local transportation etc. It's not included in the actual invitation that goes to everyone but I know that arrangements for my child have been made.

What the actual...??? You send your 13 year old out of town to be driven around and sleep at a stranger’s house?

That's a hands off parent who isn't caring about her kid. Not a chance anyone with common sense would agree to that or would I take a kid in like that and risk accusations.

Again, im the poster with Jewish camp kids. There is nothing off about this whatsoever. Our kids live together for 4+ weeks of the summer. Why wouldn’t In feel comfortable letting DS sleep over their house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the feedback.

First, I never met these parents, or any of the other parents of any of the other 'camp' friends. Second, I honestly didn't know what to expect with inviting these kids. This is a Jewish camp, so everyone involved is Jewish. Our older child was invited to several out of town Mitzvahs, and I never assumed that my spouse and I were invited. We declined as travel for a weekend was not in the cards for us.

I will admit that I did not provide information about our hotel blocks for the out-of-town parents we don't know. But one parent did email us to ask and I provided that information. That parent also asked about any other kids from the camp from her geographic region and I provided those contacts and offered any help with logistics.

For this particular person, it's not like they reached out to us and asked nicely if they could attend, or reached out in general asking if they were invited or for recommendations on what would be appropriate for them to attend. Rather, they just stated matter-of-fact, that she and her husband "will" attend. Just like that. And to be perfectly honest, they weren't invited. And now, with an approach like that, I don't really want them there. I don't even know their names. I have their email from a camp roster, but I only know the camper's name, the parents names are not on the list.

Plus, we're now up to something like 4 kids from out of town who are coming to the party. I wasn't really prepared to budget for 8 additional adult guests for this event -- and more if more choose to come. And I don't really want 8 or more total and complete strangers at our party and in our pictures forever. The families of the other 3 kids seem to have no issue with not coming.

So I'm inclined to politely let them know that they are welcome to join us at the service and for the luncheon following the service. And suggest some restaurants near the party that they might enjoy during the party. But I don't think I want them at the party.

I’m with you OP. Those posting here don’t get it. DS is inviting 10 kids- his entire bunk from this summer. One parent has offered to chaperone the 5 boys who are going to attend for the weekend. The dad is going to come to the service and kiddush lunch because we invited him as a courtesy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:one of the guests responded to the invitation with a note saying "Mom & Dad will attend as we are travelling from out of town to celebrate with your family."

I think this is horrific. You don't invite yourself to somebody else's party. I agree it would be nice if OP invited the out-of-town parents who are bringing their kids in for the Mitzvah. But for the parents to just announce that they "will attend" is just awful. It puts the host in a terribly awkward position.

One poster said, "13 year olds still need supervision." Sure they do, but the room will be full of adults. But 13 year olds don't need their parents to be in the room, that's for sure.

None of those adults are going to be charged with caring for the kids without parents. Most adults will not pay attention to someone else kid, let alone your own kid.

That's nonsense. At most Mitzvah parties, the vast majority of the friends of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah child are attending without parents. Parents drop their kids off at the party and usually don't even get out of the car. The kids go to the event, and are picked up curbside when it is over. My kids went to dozens of parties like this, I didn't know the parents and I never set foot in the venue. Happens every weekend.

Exactly. If your 13 year old can’t be trusted to attend a bar mitzvah without a parent by his/her side, you’ve got problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the feedback.

First, I never met these parents, or any of the other parents of any of the other 'camp' friends. Second, I honestly didn't know what to expect with inviting these kids. This is a Jewish camp, so everyone involved is Jewish. Our older child was invited to several out of town Mitzvahs, and I never assumed that my spouse and I were invited. We declined as travel for a weekend was not in the cards for us.

I will admit that I did not provide information about our hotel blocks for the out-of-town parents we don't know. But one parent did email us to ask and I provided that information. That parent also asked about any other kids from the camp from her geographic region and I provided those contacts and offered any help with logistics.

For this particular person, it's not like they reached out to us and asked nicely if they could attend, or reached out in general asking if they were invited or for recommendations on what would be appropriate for them to attend. Rather, they just stated matter-of-fact, that she and her husband "will" attend. Just like that. And to be perfectly honest, they weren't invited. And now, with an approach like that, I don't really want them there. I don't even know their names. I have their email from a camp roster, but I only know the camper's name, the parents names are not on the list.

Plus, we're now up to something like 4 kids from out of town who are coming to the party. I wasn't really prepared to budget for 8 additional adult guests for this event -- and more if more choose to come. And I don't really want 8 or more total and complete strangers at our party and in our pictures forever. The families of the other 3 kids seem to have no issue with not coming.

So I'm inclined to politely let them know that they are welcome to join us at the service and for the luncheon following the service. And suggest some restaurants near the party that they might enjoy during the party. But I don't think I want them at the party.

Are you sure the parents plan to come to the party and not just the service?
It’s really only 2 extra adults, right? I understand being annoyed but think the most gracious option is to include. But if you really hate the idea, call them now and explain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the feedback.

First, I never met these parents, or any of the other parents of any of the other 'camp' friends. Second, I honestly didn't know what to expect with inviting these kids. This is a Jewish camp, so everyone involved is Jewish. Our older child was invited to several out of town Mitzvahs, and I never assumed that my spouse and I were invited. We declined as travel for a weekend was not in the cards for us.

I will admit that I did not provide information about our hotel blocks for the out-of-town parents we don't know. But one parent did email us to ask and I provided that information. That parent also asked about any other kids from the camp from her geographic region and I provided those contacts and offered any help with logistics.

For this particular person, it's not like they reached out to us and asked nicely if they could attend, or reached out in general asking if they were invited or for recommendations on what would be appropriate for them to attend. Rather, they just stated matter-of-fact, that she and her husband "will" attend. Just like that. And to be perfectly honest, they weren't invited. And now, with an approach like that, I don't really want them there. I don't even know their names. I have their email from a camp roster, but I only know the camper's name, the parents names are not on the list.

Plus, we're now up to something like 4 kids from out of town who are coming to the party. I wasn't really prepared to budget for 8 additional adult guests for this event -- and more if more choose to come. And I don't really want 8 or more total and complete strangers at our party and in our pictures forever. The families of the other 3 kids seem to have no issue with not coming.

So I'm inclined to politely let them know that they are welcome to join us at the service and for the luncheon following the service. And suggest some restaurants near the party that they might enjoy during the party. But I don't think I want them at the party.

These are not good friends of your family or child so why on earth did you invite out of town people you never see. I think its rude not to invite the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the feedback.

First, I never met these parents, or any of the other parents of any of the other 'camp' friends. Second, I honestly didn't know what to expect with inviting these kids. This is a Jewish camp, so everyone involved is Jewish. Our older child was invited to several out of town Mitzvahs, and I never assumed that my spouse and I were invited. We declined as travel for a weekend was not in the cards for us.

I will admit that I did not provide information about our hotel blocks for the out-of-town parents we don't know. But one parent did email us to ask and I provided that information. That parent also asked about any other kids from the camp from her geographic region and I provided those contacts and offered any help with logistics.

For this particular person, it's not like they reached out to us and asked nicely if they could attend, or reached out in general asking if they were invited or for recommendations on what would be appropriate for them to attend. Rather, they just stated matter-of-fact, that she and her husband "will" attend. Just like that. And to be perfectly honest, they weren't invited. And now, with an approach like that, I don't really want them there. I don't even know their names. I have their email from a camp roster, but I only know the camper's name, the parents names are not on the list.

Plus, we're now up to something like 4 kids from out of town who are coming to the party. I wasn't really prepared to budget for 8 additional adult guests for this event -- and more if more choose to come. And I don't really want 8 or more total and complete strangers at our party and in our pictures forever. The families of the other 3 kids seem to have no issue with not coming.

So I'm inclined to politely let them know that they are welcome to join us at the service and for the luncheon following the service. And suggest some restaurants near the party that they might enjoy during the party. But I don't think I want them at the party.

These are not good friends of your family or child so why on earth did you invite out of town people you never see. I think its rude not to invite the parents.

OP here: Their child and my child are very good friends actually. They have gone to sleep away camp together for several years in a row. So that is one reason why the child was invited. Also, we invited my child's entire camp bunk. Since all the kids are in touch via email and social media, my child did not want to exclude any of the bunk-mates from being invited to the Mitzvah event. We invited more than 2 dozen kids from our child's school without their parents either -- we don't know those parents either. But our child invited their friends. We invited our friends. And we invited whole families where we all are friends with the whole family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since we are talking about a child yeah the parents probably want to attend. It is a place they are not from and with people they don’t know. Welcoming the parents is common courtesy.

Agree