Bar Mitzvah Protocol Question: Invite Out of Town Parents?

[Anonymous]

So our child has invited all their "Camp" friends from up and down the mid-Atlantic. The invitations were addressed to the child. To our surprise, and delight, a few of them are going to attend. We figured that many would have family or friends in the area and could make a trip of it. But now one of the guests responded to the invitation with a note saying "Mom & Dad will attend as we are travelling from out of town to celebrate with your family." I'm not sure what the protocol is for this. We don't know these people at all. We don't even know the child. Our child knows the child, but that's it. We don't mind if the family attends the service and the kiddush. But the party at night? I don't know about that. Are we supposed to invite strangers to the party because they came in from out of town?

I would think this would be our choice, but wondering if there's a 'standard BM operating rule' for something like this. Anyone with experience here??

[Anonymous]

Since we are talking about a child yeah the parents probably want to attend. It is a place they are not from and with people they don’t know. Welcoming the parents is common courtesy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are we supposed to invite strangers to the party because they came in from out of town?

Yes. If you didn’t want them to attend you should have enclosed information about other local happenings in the invite, ie “while the kids party, you may want to...”

[Anonymous]

Disagree. This isn't a small child, its a 13 year old. They attend Mitzvahs without parents all the time. I'm sure there will be dozens of kids at the party who are there on their own. The parents are adults fully capable of entertaining themselves for the evening. Have dinner, go to a movie. There is no need for them to attend a Bar Mitzvah party full of strangers who they have never met and will never see again.

[Anonymous]

I would welcome them. They’re making the effort to bring their child from out of town.

[Anonymous]

You should have invited the parents if they are traveling out of town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disagree. This isn't a small child, its a 13 year old. They attend Mitzvahs without parents all the time. I'm sure there will be dozens of kids at the party who are there on their own. The parents are adults fully capable of entertaining themselves for the evening. Have dinner, go to a movie. There is no need for them to attend a Bar Mitzvah party full of strangers who they have never met and will never see again.

13 year olds still need supervision. The child is out of town and parents are very kind in bring them. If there is no need to invite the parents as they are strangers, don't invite the child.

[Anonymous]

I would invite parents. It's the courteous thing to do.

[Anonymous]

My daughter is only 11, but she has tons of older cousins who have attended several different Jewish camps and have don’t the Mitzvah circuit. Inviting camp friends is extremely common, and I’ve never heard of inviting parents (that aren’t also your friends). My nieces and nephews have definitely been taken to out of town bar and bat mitzvahs, and, generally, the parents drop them off for the event.

If it’s just one family, I’d just let it go. But, you definitely don’t need to invite parents.

[Anonymous]

DS goes to a Jewish camp in PA with mostly Philly based kids but a decent contingent in Va/MD. What typically happens is that a parent or two will come down and chaperone all of the camp kids for the weekend. This parent doesn’t want to come to the bar mitzvah- I think they are happy to sit in their hotel enjoying the silence.

[Anonymous]

Those parents are totally wrong. They should NOT have invited themselves. Kids of age to get invited to bar/bat mitzvahs totally attend without parents.

These parents probably aren't jewish and don't realize you're paying $90 a plate or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those parents are totally wrong. They should NOT have invited themselves. Kids of age to get invited to bar/bat mitzvahs totally attend without parents.

These parents probably aren't jewish and don't realize you're paying $90 a plate or whatever.

No, they aren't wrong if they are paying hotel and travel costs. Its rude not to invite them.

[Anonymous]

OP--did you make arrangements locally for the 13 year old to sleep and be transported to the service and party?

If you did not, then it's natural to assume that the parents will be doing it. If they are incurring the cost of travel then they should be included.

I usually get an email from the mitzvah mom that she has made arrangements for my child to sleep at Zoe's house and Zoe's mom will be helping with local transportation etc. It's not included in the actual invitation that goes to everyone but I know that arrangements for my child have been made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:one of the guests responded to the invitation with a note saying "Mom & Dad will attend as we are travelling from out of town to celebrate with your family."

I think this is horrific. You don't invite yourself to somebody else's party. I agree it would be nice if OP invited the out-of-town parents who are bringing their kids in for the Mitzvah. But for the parents to just announce that they "will attend" is just awful. It puts the host in a terribly awkward position.

One poster said, "13 year olds still need supervision." Sure they do, but the room will be full of adults. But 13 year olds don't need their parents to be in the room, that's for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:one of the guests responded to the invitation with a note saying "Mom & Dad will attend as we are travelling from out of town to celebrate with your family."

I think this is horrific. You don't invite yourself to somebody else's party. I agree it would be nice if OP invited the out-of-town parents who are bringing their kids in for the Mitzvah. But for the parents to just announce that they "will attend" is just awful. It puts the host in a terribly awkward position.

One poster said, "13 year olds still need supervision." Sure they do, but the room will be full of adults. But 13 year olds don't need their parents to be in the room, that's for sure.

It's a little awkward but it's not "horrific." Inviting a child to an out of town event alone is also a bit awkward. (I think it might be a bit nicer to reach out to the parents ahead of the invite, but I understand not doing that if you don't know the parents).