Bar Mitzvah Protocol Question: Invite Out of Town Parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since we are talking about a child yeah the parents probably want to attend. It is a place they are not from and with people they don’t know. Welcoming the parents is common courtesy.

Agree

Disagree. The party is not for every guests entire family. It’s for the bar mitzvah’s friends and family and the parents’ closest friends. When I was 13 I flew to Toronto by myself to go to a camp friends bat mitzvah. You need to tell the parents the invite wasn’t for them. That sucks, I’m not sure how you actually do that, but you’re not wrong I’m feeling how you do.

[Anonymous]

Can you start an email group with all the attendees parents just saying that you are thrilled they are able to arrange for their child to be joining yours and you wanted them to be able to communicate as a group if they want to make plans together during their time in DC? Offer to suggest attractions or restaurants if they will be staying in the area. Possibly one of the other parents will suggest a group dinner for them all during the party!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since we are talking about a child yeah the parents probably want to attend. It is a place they are not from and with people they don’t know. Welcoming the parents is common courtesy.

Agree

Disagree. The party is not for every guests entire family. It’s for the bar mitzvah’s friends and family and the parents’ closest friends. When I was 13 I flew to Toronto by myself to go to a camp friends bat mitzvah. You need to tell the parents the invite wasn’t for them. That sucks, I’m not sure how you actually do that, but you’re not wrong I’m feeling how you do.

Why on earth would you fly alone to go to a bat mitzvah that you'll probably never see the kid again. What a huge waste of money! If the parents are decent enough to bring the child at your request, the least you can do is extend an invitation and feed them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would welcome them. They’re making the effort to bring their child from out of town.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should have invited the parents if they are traveling out of town.

This. Or provided language indicating its their option to attend with child or have a list of suggestions on things they could do locally while cold attends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the feedback.

First, I never met these parents, or any of the other parents of any of the other 'camp' friends. Second, I honestly didn't know what to expect with inviting these kids. This is a Jewish camp, so everyone involved is Jewish. Our older child was invited to several out of town Mitzvahs, and I never assumed that my spouse and I were invited. We declined as travel for a weekend was not in the cards for us.

I will admit that I did not provide information about our hotel blocks for the out-of-town parents we don't know. But one parent did email us to ask and I provided that information. That parent also asked about any other kids from the camp from her geographic region and I provided those contacts and offered any help with logistics.

For this particular person, it's not like they reached out to us and asked nicely if they could attend, or reached out in general asking if they were invited or for recommendations on what would be appropriate for them to attend. Rather, they just stated matter-of-fact, that she and her husband "will" attend. Just like that. And to be perfectly honest, they weren't invited. And now, with an approach like that, I don't really want them there. I don't even know their names. I have their email from a camp roster, but I only know the camper's name, the parents names are not on the list.

Plus, we're now up to something like 4 kids from out of town who are coming to the party. I wasn't really prepared to budget for 8 additional adult guests for this event -- and more if more choose to come. And I don't really want 8 or more total and complete strangers at our party and in our pictures forever. The families of the other 3 kids seem to have no issue with not coming.

So I'm inclined to politely let them know that they are welcome to join us at the service and for the luncheon following the service. And suggest some restaurants near the party that they might enjoy during the party. But I don't think I want them at the party.

Ok so you don’t even know their names but they should be totally cool leaving their kid with you?

Second you sound a bit like a dramatic teen that these people will be in your pictures FOREVER. Come on. They won’t be in every photo and certainly not the family photos. Do you actually sit around and look back through the 500 pictures taken at the Bar Mitzvah that frequently? There will come a time when you and your child will struggle to name several of the kids in the photos.

Finally it sounds as if you haven’t planned very well. You seem upset that already 3 out of town kids are coming. Don’t invite them if you can’t afford it and if you can’t swing two more plates at your party then you are either having an obscene celebration or you have already over estended yourself. Families are different, kids are different - there may well be a very good reason for them not wanting their child to be on their own. You know the reason people often carry on about people who are great hosts or hostesses is because it is both difficult and a rarity. Show some class and graciously welcome them. The irony that in the celebration of this sacred event you seem unable to give any of yourself to accommodate other Jews or provide them with the befit of the doubt is really rich. On thé upside at least you will have at least one thing to pray about on Yom Kippur - so there’s that.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, it was rude of them to invite themselves but you created the mess by inviting out of town kids without giving them any kind of logistical info or guidance (not even the hotel info? Why the heck not?!?)
At this point, maybe email ALL the parents of out of town camp kids that rsvp’d and say that four camp kids are coming, and you are so excited to see them all, and here’s the logistics for the day... you’ll provide a van or whatever to get from hotel to party, and you’re happy to help match kids up with a place to stay if they need it.
You need to take some responsibility for the safety and logistics of kids you invited to this party if you aren’t willing to let their parents be involved.

[Anonymous]

They should have reached out to you with questions rather than just responding they way they did, but if they are incurring the expenses of schlepping a kid to an out of state party, then you should add them in. You knew them well enough to invite their kid from out of state to a large event. Me, I would have declined an out of state invitation like that unless I had some need to be in the other city.

If you can't afford the two extra plates, "pay yourself back" out of the money coming to the Bar Mitzvah boy. Oh, that sounds tacky? Yes it is, but so are you for even worrying about the plate cost when you sent out invites to minor children from out of state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, it was rude of them to invite themselves but you created the mess by inviting out of town kids without giving them any kind of logistical info or guidance (not even the hotel info? Why the heck not?!?)
At this point, maybe email ALL the parents of out of town camp kids that rsvp’d and say that four camp kids are coming, and you are so excited to see them all, and here’s the logistics for the day... you’ll provide a van or whatever to get from hotel to party, and you’re happy to help match kids up with a place to stay if they need it.
You need to take some responsibility for the safety and logistics of kids you invited to this party if you aren’t willing to let their parents be involved.

Yeah, I agree with this. The way the parents invited themselves was off-putting, but they were responding to the lack of information on your end. The only way to uninvite them is for you to respond with logistics: "Sorry I didn't let you know sooner, but kids traveling alone can stay with so and so, and kids traveling with parents will receive transportation to and from the even if they stay at X hotel. We regret that we are unable to invite parents traveling with campers to attend."

But uninviting them makes you look really ungracious and cheap, regardless of the way they invited themselves. If you can't afford a few more people you have planned a party far beyond your means.

[Anonymous]

You are both wrong.

[Anonymous]

I did this all the time as a kid and no one ever expected the parents to attend. Usually the parents of the kids attending would arrange a carpool (so the 3 philly kids going to a Rockville BM would all get a ride with Jane's parents) and somehow a sleepover would be arranged. I think you are within your rights to say that parents are more than welcome at the service but that space is tight for the evening party and unfortunately there isn;t room but you'd be happy to recommend some places to hangout nearby.

[Anonymous]

For the current situation, I think you need to graciously welcome them to celebration. I don't see any other option at this point. Just seat them with some welcoming folks and hope for the best.

On the off chance this isn't your only kid, you may want to do this differently next time. Both my kids invited tons of out-of-town camp friends, and they were both invited to lots of Bar/Bat Mitzvahs all over the East Coast. The one common thing I saw was that most parents included "child care" info in the invitations sent to faraway kids. For example, we had an insert that included details about some local camp families who would help with housing, how we could shuttle kids from the airport and train station, and so on. My kids went to almost all of the the simchas that included those details because it was an easy yes that didn't require me to figure out how to handle the logistics from afar or require me to go to a stranger's simcha. If invitations didn't have those details, my kids didn't go.

[Anonymous]

Are they religious at all? It isn’t easy to drop a kid somewhere for Shabbat and leave.

If this kid matters to your kid, just include them and call it a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since we are talking about a child yeah the parents probably want to attend. It is a place they are not from and with people they don’t know. Welcoming the parents is common courtesy.

Agree

Disagree. The party is not for every guests entire family. It’s for the bar mitzvah’s friends and family and the parents’ closest friends. When I was 13 I flew to Toronto by myself to go to a camp friends bat mitzvah. You need to tell the parents the invite wasn’t for them. That sucks, I’m not sure how you actually do that, but you’re not wrong I’m feeling how you do.

Why on earth would you fly alone to go to a bat mitzvah that you'll probably never see the kid again. What a huge waste of money! If the parents are decent enough to bring the child at your request, the least you can do is extend an invitation and feed them.

Some camp friends are for life. Some kids go to the same camp for as much as ten years. That isn’t someone you will never see again.

[Anonymous]

I would send a message to all the camp friends' parents who are coming with a 'thanks so much for making the effort to get your kid here, means so much, etc, etc.' type message and then give them some logistics information (you can either drop off 'here' or will pick up 'there,' etc. I don't really blame the parents for responding like they did - their kid clearly wanted to come and they were happy to oblige but you made it difficult without more information and details.