How do you handle DH being on a different page when it comes to parenting style

[Anonymous]

I *wish* my DH was like this. I have a hard ass who is on the kids constantly. I'm not lax as OP's husband is, I have rules and structure, but I wish my DH would lighten the hell up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I haven't read all the replies, but OP, this is my situation. It's really frustrating at times. I've had to relax a lot of stuff. Things that I feel are no compromises, I pretty much have to do myself. I am always the one enforcing work. I used to worry they would associate me with rules and him with fun but t I actually feel like now I'm the favorite parent (not that it's a contest, ahem). They come to me when they need help with things, they come to me when they have something to talk about, like issues at school. They go to dad if they want to order pizza. Don't get me wrong, they love him and he's lots of fun but they do seem to see his limits.

As they are getting older 8 and 11, they see more the value of me and all my rules. One good example is summer reading. I have boys who don't like to read. Oldest is supposed to be prepared to discuss his summer book on the first day of school. He's also a pretty shy kid. He was complaining that I've been making him read 20 min a day. Just yesterday Husband had the kids home all day and they didn't read. When I got home after work, Husband (in front of kids) says,, "it's getting late, do they have to read? I say yes. Oldest sulks. At bedtime I say, You were pretty mad I made you read, weren't you? He said, "Yes." I said "Well, I just imagined how you'll feel if you show up on the first day and you are the only one who cannot discuss the book. I think you'd feel embarrassed and I don't want that for you." He said, "Yeah, I'd hate that" Inside my head, I danced a jig.

OP here..wow, I could have written this post, except substituting math for reading. I do also see that the kids seem to come to me more than DH when they need help with issues of substance. But they complain a lot about how strict I am (and despite what it might seems from my posts, I really don't think I'm that strict).
There are periods where the dynamic doesn't bother me, and I really am grateful for his loving and easygoing good nature...but other times, the burden I feel having to do just about all of the unpleasantness of parenting really gets to me, and I feel the resentment creeping in. Maybe I need some kind of mantra or coping strategy for when that happens. I also worry a bit about what I'm seeing in terms of the habits my kids are developing.

Have you ever thought maybe he wishes you were more fun with the kids so he wouldn't have to balance out your rules?
Maybe he WANTS to enforce rules but understands the need for fun and pizza and a movie. He thinks he has to be the one to provide it since you won't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With the limited information your provided it is unclear if you DH just lays around allowing everything to crumble around him, or if he is a good and loving father who cares about the major things and lets the lesser things slide.

If it is the former, then i would suggest counseling and discussions about where you BOTH can compromise and find common ground you will both enforce.

if it is the latter then I would applaud him for being a wonderful father. You can't force someone to parent exactly how you want. You can expect a certain 'buy in' and common ground, but you need to respect his ideas and thoughts (unless they put the kids in danger) as much as he should respect yours. Compromise isn't about 'giving' in to the other, it is about finding what works best for your entire family and letting go of your old way of doing things (no resentment).

He shouldn't have to hide things from you (turning off the tv) because that sets it up to show the kids that we need to hide stuff from mom or she will flip out. You need a stable environment with some basic rules that keep everyone safe, but as your kids age you need to teach them the skills they need for independence.
Don't be the parent that has a page long of rules and expectations and judges anyone who dares to question or break them. No one wants to be around that person and you will never be the "FUN" parent. I don't even think that is a compliment really. While i am fun and the kids and I have a blast together they don't go around calling me the 'fun' parent. I would much rather be the respected parent. The parent they can trus and the parent who is always there for them.
Right now it sounds like they will avoid you like the plague when they get older and actually start (gasp) hanging with friends drinking soda and pizza. OH NO!!! Or when they try smoking or drinking, or want to get felt up by a boy. They will NOT come to you. I can guarentee you this. You need to lighten up, enjoy this ride and realize there is more to parenting than a 7 oclock bedtime being enforced.

Don't be 'that' parent.

I would say it's the latter, with a few tweaks, as sometimes (in my opinion), the kids' safety and wellbeing is an issue. [another example--he was really lax about using carseats and booster seats...didn't feel like it was a big deal if the kids occasionally rode without them...I really disagreed with this and felt that he would need to get on board with always using them (which he said he would, but then didn't).]

It must sound like I am very anal about eating, and judgmental with the kids, but it's not that at all. I just don't think soda is something we should keep in the house. Pizza is fine, pretty much everything is fine (although i do wish he would help me in encouraging our youngest to try fruits and vegetables--right now, I'm the only one who works on that). I'm also not judgmental when the kids come to me with classmate problems, school issues, etc. although I can see that posters are picturing me that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


Have you ever thought maybe he wishes you were more fun with the kids so he wouldn't have to balance out your rules?
Maybe he WANTS to enforce rules but understands the need for fun and pizza and a movie. He thinks he has to be the one to provide it since you won't.

Again, things like pizza and movies are not an issue for me. Those things happen all of the time at our house. I just think that, along with the fun stuff, there has to be other stuff that might not be as fun, but that we as human beings should do in order to keep healthy (e.g., eating fruits and vegetables, reading instead of watching tv, brushing our teeth twice a day, etc.). With those things, DH doesn't think it's that big deal if they don't happen, and I think they do need to happen (maybe not all of the time, but at least more than half of the time).

[Anonymous]

Op a lot of what you are saying would really bother me too. Your DH doesn’t just have different opinions, he lies to you by saying he will use car seats (!!) and then not doing it.

If he can be honest then you could compromise—like you each get to name your top 3 things and if possible you will adopt those as HOUSEHOLD rules. So, you get no soda in the house, a reasonable bedtime, and kids do their homework; he gets to allow as much tv as he wants in summer, taking his own approach to kids’ fights, and infrequent bathing. Or whatever.

But if he’s going to lie to you about it then that isn’t really workable. I don’t know what I would do in that case but it would be a major problem for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With the limited information your provided it is unclear if you DH just lays around allowing everything to crumble around him, or if he is a good and loving father who cares about the major things and lets the lesser things slide.

If it is the former, then i would suggest counseling and discussions about where you BOTH can compromise and find common ground you will both enforce.

if it is the latter then I would applaud him for being a wonderful father. You can't force someone to parent exactly how you want. You can expect a certain 'buy in' and common ground, but you need to respect his ideas and thoughts (unless they put the kids in danger) as much as he should respect yours. Compromise isn't about 'giving' in to the other, it is about finding what works best for your entire family and letting go of your old way of doing things (no resentment).

He shouldn't have to hide things from you (turning off the tv) because that sets it up to show the kids that we need to hide stuff from mom or she will flip out. You need a stable environment with some basic rules that keep everyone safe, but as your kids age you need to teach them the skills they need for independence.
Don't be the parent that has a page long of rules and expectations and judges anyone who dares to question or break them. No one wants to be around that person and you will never be the "FUN" parent. I don't even think that is a compliment really. While i am fun and the kids and I have a blast together they don't go around calling me the 'fun' parent. I would much rather be the respected parent. The parent they can trus and the parent who is always there for them.
Right now it sounds like they will avoid you like the plague when they get older and actually start (gasp) hanging with friends drinking soda and pizza. OH NO!!! Or when they try smoking or drinking, or want to get felt up by a boy. They will NOT come to you. I can guarentee you this. You need to lighten up, enjoy this ride and realize there is more to parenting than a 7 oclock bedtime being enforced.

Don't be 'that' parent.

I would say it's the latter, with a few tweaks, as sometimes (in my opinion), the kids' safety and wellbeing is an issue. [another example--he was really lax about using carseats and booster seats...didn't feel like it was a big deal if the kids occasionally rode without them...I really disagreed with this and felt that he would need to get on board with always using them (which he said he would, but then didn't).]

It must sound like I am very anal about eating, and judgmental with the kids, but it's not that at all. I just don't think soda is something we should keep in the house. Pizza is fine, pretty much everything is fine (although i do wish he would help me in encouraging our youngest to try fruits and vegetables--right now, I'm the only one who works on that). I'm also not judgmental when the kids come to me with classmate problems, school issues, etc. although I can see that posters are picturing me that way.

His thinking that the car seats were "optional" would have resulted in him not watching the kids. Period. I can loosen up on things like an occasional soda but actual safety issues? Hell no. That is my hard line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With the limited information your provided it is unclear if you DH just lays around allowing everything to crumble around him, or if he is a good and loving father who cares about the major things and lets the lesser things slide.

If it is the former, then i would suggest counseling and discussions about where you BOTH can compromise and find common ground you will both enforce.

if it is the latter then I would applaud him for being a wonderful father. You can't force someone to parent exactly how you want. You can expect a certain 'buy in' and common ground, but you need to respect his ideas and thoughts (unless they put the kids in danger) as much as he should respect yours. Compromise isn't about 'giving' in to the other, it is about finding what works best for your entire family and letting go of your old way of doing things (no resentment).

He shouldn't have to hide things from you (turning off the tv) because that sets it up to show the kids that we need to hide stuff from mom or she will flip out. You need a stable environment with some basic rules that keep everyone safe, but as your kids age you need to teach them the skills they need for independence.
Don't be the parent that has a page long of rules and expectations and judges anyone who dares to question or break them. No one wants to be around that person and you will never be the "FUN" parent. I don't even think that is a compliment really. While i am fun and the kids and I have a blast together they don't go around calling me the 'fun' parent. I would much rather be the respected parent. The parent they can trus and the parent who is always there for them.
Right now it sounds like they will avoid you like the plague when they get older and actually start (gasp) hanging with friends drinking soda and pizza. OH NO!!! Or when they try smoking or drinking, or want to get felt up by a boy. They will NOT come to you. I can guarentee you this. You need to lighten up, enjoy this ride and realize there is more to parenting than a 7 oclock bedtime being enforced.

Don't be 'that' parent.

I would say it's the latter, with a few tweaks, as sometimes (in my opinion), the kids' safety and wellbeing is an issue. [another example--he was really lax about using carseats and booster seats...didn't feel like it was a big deal if the kids occasionally rode without them...I really disagreed with this and felt that he would need to get on board with always using them (which he said he would, but then didn't).]

It must sound like I am very anal about eating, and judgmental with the kids, but it's not that at all. I just don't think soda is something we should keep in the house. Pizza is fine, pretty much everything is fine (although i do wish he would help me in encouraging our youngest to try fruits and vegetables--right now, I'm the only one who works on that). I'm also not judgmental when the kids come to me with classmate problems, school issues, etc. although I can see that posters are picturing me that way.

His thinking that the car seats were "optional" would have resulted in him not watching the kids. Period. I can loosen up on things like an occasional soda but actual safety issues? Hell no. That is my hard line.

Not watching the kids? Hard line?

Might as well divorce. Then you don't have to worry about him watching the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With the limited information your provided it is unclear if you DH just lays around allowing everything to crumble around him, or if he is a good and loving father who cares about the major things and lets the lesser things slide.

If it is the former, then i would suggest counseling and discussions about where you BOTH can compromise and find common ground you will both enforce.

if it is the latter then I would applaud him for being a wonderful father. You can't force someone to parent exactly how you want. You can expect a certain 'buy in' and common ground, but you need to respect his ideas and thoughts (unless they put the kids in danger) as much as he should respect yours. Compromise isn't about 'giving' in to the other, it is about finding what works best for your entire family and letting go of your old way of doing things (no resentment).

He shouldn't have to hide things from you (turning off the tv) because that sets it up to show the kids that we need to hide stuff from mom or she will flip out. You need a stable environment with some basic rules that keep everyone safe, but as your kids age you need to teach them the skills they need for independence.
Don't be the parent that has a page long of rules and expectations and judges anyone who dares to question or break them. No one wants to be around that person and you will never be the "FUN" parent. I don't even think that is a compliment really. While i am fun and the kids and I have a blast together they don't go around calling me the 'fun' parent. I would much rather be the respected parent. The parent they can trus and the parent who is always there for them.
Right now it sounds like they will avoid you like the plague when they get older and actually start (gasp) hanging with friends drinking soda and pizza. OH NO!!! Or when they try smoking or drinking, or want to get felt up by a boy. They will NOT come to you. I can guarentee you this. You need to lighten up, enjoy this ride and realize there is more to parenting than a 7 oclock bedtime being enforced.

Don't be 'that' parent.

I would say it's the latter, with a few tweaks, as sometimes (in my opinion), the kids' safety and wellbeing is an issue. [another example--he was really lax about using carseats and booster seats...didn't feel like it was a big deal if the kids occasionally rode without them...I really disagreed with this and felt that he would need to get on board with always using them (which he said he would, but then didn't).]

It must sound like I am very anal about eating, and judgmental with the kids, but it's not that at all. I just don't think soda is something we should keep in the house. Pizza is fine, pretty much everything is fine (although i do wish he would help me in encouraging our youngest to try fruits and vegetables--right now, I'm the only one who works on that). I'm also not judgmental when the kids come to me with classmate problems, school issues, etc. although I can see that posters are picturing me that way.

His thinking that the car seats were "optional" would have resulted in him not watching the kids. Period. I can loosen up on things like an occasional soda but actual safety issues? Hell no. That is my hard line.

Not watching the kids? Hard line?

Might as well divorce. Then you don't have to worry about him watching the kids.

I'm not going to leave my kids with anyone who views car seats as optional. The end. I don't care if you are Grandma, Grandpa, Dear old Auntie Sue or the bestest nanny ever. If you don't take basic safety measures seriously then I don't leave my kid alone with you.

[Anonymous]

You know what they say, OP. Mothers are better parents at 0-7 and fathers are better parents from 7-14.

You had your time of being right and him being wrong. Now that has changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With the limited information your provided it is unclear if you DH just lays around allowing everything to crumble around him, or if he is a good and loving father who cares about the major things and lets the lesser things slide.

If it is the former, then i would suggest counseling and discussions about where you BOTH can compromise and find common ground you will both enforce.

if it is the latter then I would applaud him for being a wonderful father. You can't force someone to parent exactly how you want. You can expect a certain 'buy in' and common ground, but you need to respect his ideas and thoughts (unless they put the kids in danger) as much as he should respect yours. Compromise isn't about 'giving' in to the other, it is about finding what works best for your entire family and letting go of your old way of doing things (no resentment).

He shouldn't have to hide things from you (turning off the tv) because that sets it up to show the kids that we need to hide stuff from mom or she will flip out. You need a stable environment with some basic rules that keep everyone safe, but as your kids age you need to teach them the skills they need for independence.
Don't be the parent that has a page long of rules and expectations and judges anyone who dares to question or break them. No one wants to be around that person and you will never be the "FUN" parent. I don't even think that is a compliment really. While i am fun and the kids and I have a blast together they don't go around calling me the 'fun' parent. I would much rather be the respected parent. The parent they can trus and the parent who is always there for them.
Right now it sounds like they will avoid you like the plague when they get older and actually start (gasp) hanging with friends drinking soda and pizza. OH NO!!! Or when they try smoking or drinking, or want to get felt up by a boy. They will NOT come to you. I can guarentee you this. You need to lighten up, enjoy this ride and realize there is more to parenting than a 7 oclock bedtime being enforced.

Don't be 'that' parent.

I would say it's the latter, with a few tweaks, as sometimes (in my opinion), the kids' safety and wellbeing is an issue. [another example--he was really lax about using carseats and booster seats...didn't feel like it was a big deal if the kids occasionally rode without them...I really disagreed with this and felt that he would need to get on board with always using them (which he said he would, but then didn't).]

It must sound like I am very anal about eating, and judgmental with the kids, but it's not that at all. I just don't think soda is something we should keep in the house. Pizza is fine, pretty much everything is fine (although i do wish he would help me in encouraging our youngest to try fruits and vegetables--right now, I'm the only one who works on that). I'm also not judgmental when the kids come to me with classmate problems, school issues, etc. although I can see that posters are picturing me that way.

His thinking that the car seats were "optional" would have resulted in him not watching the kids. Period. I can loosen up on things like an occasional soda but actual safety issues? Hell no. That is my hard line.

Not watching the kids? Hard line?

Might as well divorce. Then you don't have to worry about him watching the kids.

I'm not going to leave my kids with anyone who views car seats as optional. The end. I don't care if you are Grandma, Grandpa, Dear old Auntie Sue or the bestest nanny ever. If you don't take basic safety measures seriously then I don't leave my kid alone with you.

They're out of car seats now...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With the limited information your provided it is unclear if you DH just lays around allowing everything to crumble around him, or if he is a good and loving father who cares about the major things and lets the lesser things slide.

If it is the former, then i would suggest counseling and discussions about where you BOTH can compromise and find common ground you will both enforce.

if it is the latter then I would applaud him for being a wonderful father. You can't force someone to parent exactly how you want. You can expect a certain 'buy in' and common ground, but you need to respect his ideas and thoughts (unless they put the kids in danger) as much as he should respect yours. Compromise isn't about 'giving' in to the other, it is about finding what works best for your entire family and letting go of your old way of doing things (no resentment).

He shouldn't have to hide things from you (turning off the tv) because that sets it up to show the kids that we need to hide stuff from mom or she will flip out. You need a stable environment with some basic rules that keep everyone safe, but as your kids age you need to teach them the skills they need for independence.
Don't be the parent that has a page long of rules and expectations and judges anyone who dares to question or break them. No one wants to be around that person and you will never be the "FUN" parent. I don't even think that is a compliment really. While i am fun and the kids and I have a blast together they don't go around calling me the 'fun' parent. I would much rather be the respected parent. The parent they can trus and the parent who is always there for them.
Right now it sounds like they will avoid you like the plague when they get older and actually start (gasp) hanging with friends drinking soda and pizza. OH NO!!! Or when they try smoking or drinking, or want to get felt up by a boy. They will NOT come to you. I can guarentee you this. You need to lighten up, enjoy this ride and realize there is more to parenting than a 7 oclock bedtime being enforced.

Don't be 'that' parent.

I would say it's the latter, with a few tweaks, as sometimes (in my opinion), the kids' safety and wellbeing is an issue. [another example--he was really lax about using carseats and booster seats...didn't feel like it was a big deal if the kids occasionally rode without them...I really disagreed with this and felt that he would need to get on board with always using them (which he said he would, but then didn't).]

It must sound like I am very anal about eating, and judgmental with the kids, but it's not that at all. I just don't think soda is something we should keep in the house. Pizza is fine, pretty much everything is fine (although i do wish he would help me in encouraging our youngest to try fruits and vegetables--right now, I'm the only one who works on that). I'm also not judgmental when the kids come to me with classmate problems, school issues, etc. although I can see that posters are picturing me that way.

His thinking that the car seats were "optional" would have resulted in him not watching the kids. Period. I can loosen up on things like an occasional soda but actual safety issues? Hell no. That is my hard line.

Not watching the kids? Hard line?

Might as well divorce. Then you don't have to worry about him watching the kids.

I'm not going to leave my kids with anyone who views car seats as optional. The end. I don't care if you are Grandma, Grandpa, Dear old Auntie Sue or the bestest nanny ever. If you don't take basic safety measures seriously then I don't leave my kid alone with you.

They're out of car seats now...

O.k. that's good. Is he doing other stupid things that could endanger his kids? Is his supervision lax, careless and less than what the kids need (like allowing them to ride bikes w/o helmets or jump up and down on their beds)? Or are the kids just getting too much screen time on his watch.

When, if ever, DOES he step in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


O.k. that's good. Is he doing other stupid things that could endanger his kids? Is his supervision lax, careless and less than what the kids need (like allowing them to ride bikes w/o helmets or jump up and down on their beds)? Or are the kids just getting too much screen time on his watch.

When, if ever, DOES he step in?

OP here. I’m not the one who wrote “they’re out of car seats now,” but to try answer your questions, yes, he’s kind of not very careful when supervising. He always makes the kids wear helmets, but he did ask me when they first started riding bikes if they really needs helmets all of the time (and I said yes). As for your question about when does he step in...the only examples I can think of right now are the times that he has intervened when the kids’ fighting devolved into one hitting the other. He doesn’t intervene every time, but he does sometimes. But other than that, he just kind of prefers not to have confrontation or tell the kids no.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Also, he’s from a different country, where standards about things like car seats are very different...the car seats thing has always been an issue, as his sister (who lives in her home country) was very lax about this with her own kids, and that just seems to be the normal way for them there. But DH has lived here for 20+ years, and of course I’ve explained to him why car seats/booster seats are really important all of the time. And he seems to agree and says okay...but then I’ll find out that the kids rode without caraways and he’ll say “oh, it was just for a short distance” or something like that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Also, he’s from a different country, where standards about things like car seats are very different...the car seats thing has always been an issue, as his sister (who lives in her home country) was very lax about this with her own kids, and that just seems to be the normal way for them there. But DH has lived here for 20+ years, and of course I’ve explained to him why car seats/booster seats are really important all of the time. And he seems to agree and says okay...but then I’ll find out that the kids rode without caraways and he’ll say “oh, it was just for a short distance” or something like that

He needs to meet some people who have suffered traumatic brain injuries. That'll make a believer out of him. It only takes a second for a life to be changed forever.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read the whole thread but my DH is like this also. I enforce the rules and OP your rules are pretty common sense. If they don’t do those basic things like bathe eat right clean up after self not drink soda etc they will have a difficult time later.
In my house when Mom gets here discipline starts. They know Dad is indulgent but Mom isn’t. They have found that not bathing isn’t cool. Violence isn’t cool (other parents will ban them) etc etc. Dads mr softy. Ok. They respect me more because being so lax is a sign of not caring.