How do you handle DH being on a different page when it comes to parenting style

[Anonymous]

Other parents going to judge/ ban the friendship over things like no seat belts no helmet no self discipline.

[Anonymous]

You can raise a healthy well adjusted kid who never drinks soda, eats chips, fried food, or juice boxes. When they get older they appreciate not being fat.

[Anonymous]

OP your husband is an assh***e. Lets the kids smoke? Children smoking makes lifelong smokers. Your DH actually endangers the kids with his ways. Is he lower class ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you are letting your pediatrician and your marriage counselor run your family while you ignore your husband.

pick two out of 4 (soda, bedtime, fights, screens) and have them your way and the rest his way. none of these are things you will be able to control btw.

Exactly.
My DS has friends whose mom is the type walking around with veggies making her kids eat "2 carrots before pizza" at parties.
When they come to our house they beg for cookies, eat 3 pieces of pizza (no carrots) and want juice (they can't have that either).
They literally proclaimed Cheetos as the best thing they ever tasted (had never tried them and they are 11).
We don't munch on junk all of the time but my kid has some crap food in moderation.

Those kids are binging every chance they can out of that house.

my friend doesn’t let kids watch tv and they were hypnotized when they saw it at our home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can raise a healthy well adjusted kid who never drinks soda, eats chips, fried food, or juice boxes. When they get older they appreciate not being fat.

are they fat? my brother has been drinking Coca Cola all his life and he is slim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can raise a healthy well adjusted kid who never drinks soda, eats chips, fried food, or juice boxes. When they get older they appreciate not being fat.

True. But you can’t raise a healthy well adjusted kid whose parents are constantly bickering about little things you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been there, including the counseling. Honestly, in 20/20 hindsight, kids do best with a minimum of rules, the important ones only (safety, homework before playtime, please and thank you) and leave the rest to inspiration and examples you set. I obsessed about limiting screen time, eating healthy, and DH obsessed about cleanliness and behavior. Kids were nervous wrecks and still are as young adults. My advice: chill out and enjoy life, that's the best thing you can do for your kids.

OP here. Thanks. I definitely have had to relax my ideas about how things should be, in a lot of ways. For example, kids are up until 930, sometimes 10...that's something I never thought I would be able to adjust to, but I did. Also, one of our kids will not eat a single vegetable. Not a single one. I'm trying not to worry about that, either. But sometimes the signals I get from others show me that these things are problems. For example, our pediatrician was very concerned when I had to explain that one of our kids refuses to eat vegetables. And when we visit grandparents, I can tell that they're shocked when the kids are still up at 930, 10.

Please do not worry what the grandparents think...they're going to think something about everything anyway.

And I suspect your kid isn't the only one to not eat vegetables. My brother and I used to pretend to eat them, then spit them out in a napkin. My DS will eat a vegetable now and then....with enough ranch dressing on them to drown a horse. Not sure that's healthy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We discussed things before having kids so we would be on the same page.

Yup. Not on the first date, and not lengthy conversations, but I picked a spouse who was compatible to me in lots of ways, parenting included. In lots of ways we are ying/yang, but not for important parenting things.

Like many people, being a parent has changed how I think parenting should happen. We talked about those things too, but reality is not the same as theory.

True, but the reality is that I wouldn't pick a spouse who has potential to act like OP's husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With the limited information your provided it is unclear if you DH just lays around allowing everything to crumble around him, or if he is a good and loving father who cares about the major things and lets the lesser things slide.

If it is the former, then i would suggest counseling and discussions about where you BOTH can compromise and find common ground you will both enforce.

if it is the latter then I would applaud him for being a wonderful father. You can't force someone to parent exactly how you want. You can expect a certain 'buy in' and common ground, but you need to respect his ideas and thoughts (unless they put the kids in danger) as much as he should respect yours. Compromise isn't about 'giving' in to the other, it is about finding what works best for your entire family and letting go of your old way of doing things (no resentment).

He shouldn't have to hide things from you (turning off the tv) because that sets it up to show the kids that we need to hide stuff from mom or she will flip out. You need a stable environment with some basic rules that keep everyone safe, but as your kids age you need to teach them the skills they need for independence.
Don't be the parent that has a page long of rules and expectations and judges anyone who dares to question or break them. No one wants to be around that person and you will never be the "FUN" parent. I don't even think that is a compliment really. While i am fun and the kids and I have a blast together they don't go around calling me the 'fun' parent. I would much rather be the respected parent. The parent they can trus and the parent who is always there for them.
Right now it sounds like they will avoid you like the plague when they get older and actually start (gasp) hanging with friends drinking soda and pizza. OH NO!!! Or when they try smoking or drinking, or want to get felt up by a boy. They will NOT come to you. I can guarentee you this. You need to lighten up, enjoy this ride and realize there is more to parenting than a 7 oclock bedtime being enforced.

Don't be 'that' parent.

I would say it's the latter, with a few tweaks, as sometimes (in my opinion), the kids' safety and wellbeing is an issue. [another example--he was really lax about using carseats and booster seats...didn't feel like it was a big deal if the kids occasionally rode without them...I really disagreed with this and felt that he would need to get on board with always using them (which he said he would, but then didn't).]

It must sound like I am very anal about eating, and judgmental with the kids, but it's not that at all. I just don't think soda is something we should keep in the house. Pizza is fine, pretty much everything is fine (although i do wish he would help me in encouraging our youngest to try fruits and vegetables--right now, I'm the only one who works on that). I'm also not judgmental when the kids come to me with classmate problems, school issues, etc. although I can see that posters are picturing me that way.

His thinking that the car seats were "optional" would have resulted in him not watching the kids. Period. I can loosen up on things like an occasional soda but actual safety issues? Hell no. That is my hard line.

He's not a babysitter or a grandparent, he's their father. This is incredibly irresponsible, but you really can't prevent it.

[Anonymous]

You can't keep punishing someone for the past or your relationship has no hope for the future.
The car seat thing is over and done with. Move on.

The issue is he lies and feels he needs to. Why?
Does he think you won't think his feelings are valid?
Will you judge?
Will you steamrole?
Will you say he is wrong?

I find i get further with a compromise if i agree to something he wants. So, if DH wants the kids to stay up late Friday for a movie iwth him i will say 'sure!" and then later say "can we have the kids clean their bathrooms Saturday morning? I will take Larla and you take Larlo to ensure they are done to quality?" and 9/10 he is like "Sure" since i had just given him something he wants for the kids.

Try to approach from an open mind and say 'Hey, we aren't on the same page about some of these kid things but i would like to be. What do you think is a reasonable amount of time for the Ipad during the school week/weekend?' and then LISTEN. Don't say a word, don't interupt with facts adn statistics and ifs and buts. Just sit there and shut up.
When he is finished don't comment on what he said or try to pick it apart. Just say "What you are saying is (and try to summerize)" then say, "I see your point and my position is a bit different from yours I see. Could we agree to meet in the middle on this?"

Or just agree with him. It won't kill you to allow pop on a weekend or something. Just be like" Hey, i see the kids had pop yesterday, can we push the water for them today?'
See NO judgement. just stating facts and requests.

[Anonymous]

Got dang, people have low expectations for men.

"Oh, that's just dads, you know... they can't help it. They're naturally more fun and accepting and they way they parent is just *better*, somehow, and the fact that he overrules you or makes you the bad guy and refuses to see your point of view, well, just live with it, or change yourself, you uptight harpy." What a bunch of BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Got dang, people have low expectations for men.

"Oh, that's just dads, you know... they can't help it. They're naturally more fun and accepting and they way they parent is just *better*, somehow, and the fact that he overrules you or makes you the bad guy and refuses to see your point of view, well, just live with it, or change yourself, you uptight harpy." What a bunch of BS.

Being neurotic and rule bound is not a good way to parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Got dang, people have low expectations for men.

"Oh, that's just dads, you know... they can't help it. They're naturally more fun and accepting and they way they parent is just *better*, somehow, and the fact that he overrules you or makes you the bad guy and refuses to see your point of view, well, just live with it, or change yourself, you uptight harpy." What a bunch of BS.

Being neurotic and rule bound is not a good way to parent.

There is truly nothing in the OP’s posts that indicate that she is either of those things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All I see in your posts is that you're right and he's wrong.

What is his side, OP?

You are a control freak, OP. Unless he is allowing them to drink a liter of soda every day, it isn't a problem. The same goes for screen time. Lighten up! Most children do prefer the parent who doesn't try to control their every waking moment. You suck the fun out of their good times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Got dang, people have low expectations for men.

"Oh, that's just dads, you know... they can't help it. They're naturally more fun and accepting and they way they parent is just *better*, somehow, and the fact that he overrules you or makes you the bad guy and refuses to see your point of view, well, just live with it, or change yourself, you uptight harpy." What a bunch of BS.

Being neurotic and rule bound is not a good way to parent.

There is truly nothing in the OP’s posts that indicate that she is either of those things

Are you kidding? Everything points to her neuroses.