Father w/Alzheimer's & Driving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If Dad can't recognize Mom then deactivate his car. Remove
the battery and deactivate his car. Have Mom hide her keys.

....Signed, daughter whose Mom has late stage
alzheimers

I agree with this. Just go do it. And keep the keys. This is a disaster waiting to happen.

[Anonymous]

For those facing this decision on taking the keys away and if the other parent is not able to drive all that well, consider introducing them to the idea of using Uber or Lift in your area and I guess first of all getting them a smart phone to do so. If they can see that there are other options for transportation, the one without dementia may go along with the decision sooner. Or if they live in an area with senior driving or paratransit, have them try it out because it may reach the point where a caregiver is needed to supervise the person with dementia while in a car or other transportation mode.

I second looking at lifecare options in their area and in your area. Also consider adult day programs and the cost of in-home aides because it sounds like your Mom may soon need a break from his care. It is also time if you have not done so before, to sit down and see if they have the correct legal, financial and health care documents in place and that you or the designated sibling have knowledge of whom to contact, where documents are, a list of passwords or numbers and keys to any safe deposit box etc. In some cases a name can be added to an account ahead to have things in place in a transition time. Also, see what services you might get in place for your Mom such as automatic bill pay, investment, insurance or other paper work that your dad would handle going to you or a sibling to handle. Can she use even a monthly cleaning service? Is it time for a yard service? Are there ways to order food ahead at Walmart or other local grocery store for car pickup? Or home delivery. Any of these might help reduce her burden.

[Anonymous]

I like the “car broke down” idea. But if you do need to confront him, when we were looking at this problem a few years ago, we found some helpful free resources on AARP’s AARP’s website. The idea is to figure out why he wants a car. Is it because he’s afraid that someone will need to go to the hospital or another emergency? Then develop an emergency plan and post it somewhere. Is it for prestige (for older generations, sometime it is)? Then keep the car but take away the keys. Is it for independence? Then get him an old iPhone and put an Uber/Lyft app on it. And so on.

[Anonymous]

How did the weekend go, OP? Did they make it back in one piece?

[Anonymous]

We got our long time family doctor to tell our parents they should not drive anymore. Now whenever they want to drive we remind them the doctor said no. They now hate the doctor but that’s better than them hating us. They probably won’t respect their kids’ opinion on whether they should drive.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all who have provided input. To say this is difficult would be an understatement. I brought up the issue with my Mom once more before she and my Dad left town. I got back a curt reply to "back off". That it's been discussed with my Dad's doctor and he would be obligated to notify the DMV if he no longer felt my Dad should drive, and the understanding is my Dad is only to drive "locally". Mind you, I'm sure they underplay a lot the little time they spend with his doctor every couple months or so, just as they do to us.

Then I was told that when I come down to visit later this month that I am not to go through "their things" as my Mom needs some semblance of "normalcy" during this process. This is likely due to the fact there are guns in the house that are not well secured from my father, which is another issue my brother and myself have been hammering at my Mom about. But also probably is code for a warning against taking my Dad's keys to his car and other recreational vehicles.

I was also told to stay at their home to wait for my brother to arrive from out of state rather than accompany them to my Dad's next doctor's appointment next week. Because, you know, the landscapers could steal a key if they left one out under a mat or a rock for my brother the couple hours they are gone.....

Then my Mom concluded that she was looking forward to getting away to escape everything "at home." As if by leaving my Mom thinks she and my Dad can escape his Alzheimer's...

Needless to say, I haven't spoken to my folks since they left. I saw on Facebook they made it to their destination. However, I did also see via the Find My iPhone app (I have my Dad's phone synced to it so I can try to track his whereabouts if needed), I see they left to return home earlier than they had planned, and are traveling back a unusual route and leaving at very early hours. So I suspect my Dad is having a hard time (he has sundowining symptoms pretty bad) and now my Mom is trying to get him back quickly.

I can only hope the past 2 or 3 weeks have driven home to my Mom that my Dad is worse than she is pretending and that she clearly sees now he cannot drive. If not, next week is going to be ugly.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry you are going through this, OP. I did go through a similar process with my mother. It is absolutely agonizing.

This is a shame for me, not a brag: I was relieved when she died, as well as heartbroken. The relief was that I was never going to mess it up more. Nothing you do is right, and you are always second-guessing yourself.

My mother was on oxygen, and she hid cigarettes to smoke with the oxygen tube flowing. She was in a private apartment, but if things blew up, several people around her would have died.

She insisted on sleeping on a couch next to a plate glass coffee table, with the tubings and everything ready to trip her up. I ended up taking leave and sleeping on the floor next to the couch, so that if she got up, I could stop her. There were always more cigarettes hidden than I could find.