Father w/Alzheimer's & Driving

[Anonymous]

My Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's this past winter at age 68, although my husband and I had strongly suspected for at least a year, if not longer. My Mom also suspected, but was reluctant to raise the concern with my father. Thinking back on things, the signs were subtly there for at least 5 years. Push came to shove after my Dad had several psychotic episodes while on travel abroad, likely brought on by jet lag, leaving him in tears. When they returned, my Mom got my Dad into see a couple neurologists, and both have confirmed an Alzheimer's diagnosis.

He seems to be declining rather fast; this week he has had several episodes where he no longer recognizes my Mom, asks her who she is, and when his wife is going to be returning home.

Despite all this, he is continuing to drive alone, and this worries me greatly- for himself and for others on the road. He has hit 2 deer in recent years, and now his car is running poorly for some reason according to my Mom. I suspect this is all due to poor reaction time/lack of maintenance on my father's part, due to his Alzheimer's.

I raised my concerns with my Mom today, and was quickly shot down; I was told not to lecture her, that all he does is drive locally where he's familiar, and there was only so much she could handle in a given day.

How is it best to approach this with my Mom? Perhaps my timing was off, but my Mom often likes to pretend everything is okay b/c she doesn't want to deal with the reality of the situation. You often have to wait for her to bring up a topic before it can be discussed, b/c she isn't emotionally ready otherwise and it ends poorly. I know this isn't how she envisioned living out her golden years, but my Dad's continued driving is an issue I don't feel like can wait until my Mom gets her head wrapped around it. I recognize it's going to be difficult for my Dad to no longer drive, but I feel like if it waits, he is going to harm himself and possibly someone else. I've seen enough of his struggles that I wouldn't feel comfortable being in a car with him driving, let alone letting him drive around my children.

Any one else deal with something like this with their parents? Any advice on how to move forward?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, this is really tough to go through. Here is an article that might help.

https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/driving-safety-and-alzheimers-disease

[Anonymous]

Can your mother drive?

Contact the doctor in charge: even though he is not authorized to give you information, he can take information!

You could also call senior services where your parents live to ask what the next step is.

[Anonymous]

First off, I'm really sorry you're dealing with this and that your dad has been diagnosed with such a heartbreaking disease. I've been in your shoes. My died passed away last year from a different form of dementia, but the years leading up to his death were filled with lots of these awful scenarios where we had to reassess his health and his independence and make changes to keep him (and others safe).

The first major issue that I can recall was taking away his driver's license. Like you, we had suspected for a while that he had dementia and that driving probably wasn't a good idea. He was never the best driver, but his skills were noticeably declined and I would never ride with him driving nor allow him to drive my kids. But I think we all were in denial about how his dementia would affect his life, especially my mom. After a very dangerous driving incident, my siblings and I stepped in and refused to keep our heads in the sand. My mom continued to be in denial about my dad's condition for a long time after that, but it was at that point that we weren't going to let her make decisions (or fail to make decisions) that put him in harm's way. When driving is concerned, clearly many others could be harmed by an incapacitated driver. I'm not sure if you have siblings, but at the very least, you and your husband need to have a real talk with your mom about your dad's safety. Check with your state about whether they can require a new driving test (some can based on age, etc.). I would also loop in the neurologist as I highly doubt they would sign off on your dad continuing to drive. Be sympathetic, but firm with your mom about the new phase that your dad is heading into and that you want what's best for everyone, with safety being a top priority. We had that type of talk with my mom and then my sibling sat down with my dad and had a one-on-one about driving. I think a one-on-one with you would be best following your talk with your mom. My sibling was able to take my dad's license away and it stuck - he never drove again, and we were so thankful that we got through to them both. It was definitely sad to acknowledge that step down in his independence and life, but it was a relief knowing that we could keep him and others safe in that regard going forward.

There were many other battles that we had to engage in over the next few years, but that was the wake up call situation for all of us kids. We knew that my mom needed some really hands-on support and some tough love to make big decisions and that we'd have to be more involved moving forward to keep a check on his health related issues. I would suggest checking out the resources on the Alzheimer's Association website - www.alz.org. My mom was always reluctant to join a support group, but you should certainly suggest that for your mom. It might help her feel more supported knowing that so many other spouses/partners are going through this unexpected shift into the caretaker role. It's heartbreaking, but always better to know you're not alone in this and there are others who have gone through this before you. I wish you the best as you navigate this hard road ahead.

[Anonymous]

This is very difficult but you have to take the bull by the horns. Are they agreeable with you visiting neuro with them? If not and you don’t feel like they are listening to your concerns you can call and leave a message for their dr before the next appt mentioning your concern (even if they haven’t signed a release of info it’s always fine to leave information like that for a dr, they just won’t call you back without permission.)

If you find yourself losing your nerve think of how you’d feel if a cognitively impaired driver killed your child and his family knew he was impaired and didn’t try to stop him.

I’m sorry you are going through this and good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

I had the doctor tell my mother no more driving and she went along with it.
People with ALZ, even in early stages, can get lost in their own part of town or neighborhood where they’ve been 1000 times. Imagine your mother’s terror when Dad goes to the grocery and doesn’t come
Back for three hours because they got lost. It happens.

[Anonymous]

Call APS.

[Anonymous]

So sad. 68 seems so young for such a terrible dx.

[Anonymous]

Yeah. You have to take the reigns here. First of all, he cannot drive with an Alzheimer's dx. If he kills someone, which is awful and horrible, that family has every right to sue the crap out of whoever lets him drive. You, your mother, your siblings. This is young, and I'm sorry for for your Mom. Early onset alzheimers moves quickly. It's a death of everything, and if she cannot handle it, that means you have to deal with her issues, too. Delusion and depression are issues.

You know what you have to do.
Get help in the house, start researching places for him for when that time comes, and he no longer drives. Period. You are responsible for the safety of him, of her, and everyone on the road.

[Anonymous]

I want to add that in the past year or two, there were two men in this area, Howard Co. and Anne Arundel, who went missing after leaving to run errands. They were found dead within days. Early onset Alzheimer's. This man needs to be watched.Don't assume anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to add that in the past year or two, there were two men in this area, Howard Co. and Anne Arundel, who went missing after leaving to run errands. They were found dead within days. Early onset Alzheimer's. This man needs to be watched.Don't assume anything.

If they didn't hurt anyone except themselves, I'm doing to be blunt here, perhaps it was for the best. These disorders are terrible at the end.

OP, do whatever you need to do to stop him from driving. He's a danger to others.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been there. You need to have the Doctor notify the DMV. The DMV suspend his license but will give him the opportunity to get it back if he passes the test.

[Anonymous]

^^^ I mentioned the information about getting the license back just for your information to help in case your Dad flips out like my relative did.

[Anonymous]

See if you can get your mom to "have the car break down" or "the car needs to be fixed."

I recall someone else on DCUM did this successfully...the car never got fixed and the parent quickly got used to not using the car.

The trick is everyone has a need to save face, and this method helps with that aspect. And in your situation, sounds like something now is not quite right with the car anyways, so it's just a little stretch to create the right scenario.

[Anonymous]

Have the diagnosing doctor inform DMV.