Father w/Alzheimer's & Driving

[Anonymous]

Where is he? In some states, a diagnosis of dementia automatically gets reported to the DMV. Happened with my dad, even though it was super early stage. It was rough. Even though we knew it was for the best, we were sort of shocked, and my dad was outraged. I think he might have talked to a lawyer in town about appealing. It was not immediate; I think we had about 6 weeks to turn it in. But once we all calmed down, we realized it was the right thing to do. In retrospect, I now appreciate that it was absolutely for the best -- not just for the purposes of keeping him/other cars safe, but also because it forced us to begin making plans to contend with the disease for the long term.

OP you have to take responsibility here. It's too overwhelming and/or terrifying and/or demeaning for your parents to acknowledge that they are entering a different phase of life. I get it. But you can't let him drive. No matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to add that in the past year or two, there were two men in this area, Howard Co. and Anne Arundel, who went missing after leaving to run errands. They were found dead within days. Early onset Alzheimer's. This man needs to be watched.Don't assume anything.

If they didn't hurt anyone except themselves, I'm doing to be blunt here, perhaps it was for the best. These disorders are terrible at the end.

OP, do whatever you need to do to stop him from driving. He's a danger to others.

If you consider the "best" being that one was found frozen in the snow and the other partially submerged in water. My point is that people think that they are ok on their own and they aren't. This disease can be deceiving as it progresses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to add that in the past year or two, there were two men in this area, Howard Co. and Anne Arundel, who went missing after leaving to run errands. They were found dead within days. Early onset Alzheimer's. This man needs to be watched.Don't assume anything.

If they didn't hurt anyone except themselves, I'm doing to be blunt here, perhaps it was for the best. These disorders are terrible at the end.

OP, do whatever you need to do to stop him from driving. He's a danger to others.

If you consider the "best" being that one was found frozen in the snow and the other partially submerged in water. My point is that people think that they are ok on their own and they aren't. This disease can be deceiving as it progresses.

NP who would consider it preferable. The final stages of dementia is worse than either of those scenarios.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to add that in the past year or two, there were two men in this area, Howard Co. and Anne Arundel, who went missing after leaving to run errands. They were found dead within days. Early onset Alzheimer's. This man needs to be watched.Don't assume anything.

If they didn't hurt anyone except themselves, I'm doing to be blunt here, perhaps it was for the best. These disorders are terrible at the end.

OP, do whatever you need to do to stop him from driving. He's a danger to others.

If you consider the "best" being that one was found frozen in the snow and the other partially submerged in water. My point is that people think that they are ok on their own and they aren't. This disease can be deceiving as it progresses.

NP who would consider it preferable. The final stages of dementia is worse than either of those scenarios.

Another NP who disagrees that it would be preferable. I’ve watched two close family members die of dementias, and neither would in any way be considered worse than dying alone in the cold. My family members died peacefully with loved ones with them. Dying in the cold is not preferable to dying with your family members holding your hand and telling you that you have been loved.

Yes, it is a lot of work to take care of a person with dementia, but that is part of life. Life isn’t always easy and convenient, but that is part of living.

[Anonymous]

My father was getting lost in areas he had driven his whole life. Alzheimers makes the familiar become the unfamiliar. Your poor mom is probably in denial.

Have the doctor tell him he can’t drive anymore. Can your mother do the driving? If he still insists on driving, just get them a new car that he has no idea how to work. That’s what ended up happening with my dad. For us, Hurricane Harvey in Houston took their car so they had to get a new car. He stopped driving because he didn’t know how to drive the new car. My mom is the driver now.

Good luck. This is tough. His ego may be fragile.

[Anonymous]

OP here- Thank you everyone who took time to reply and give advice; I do appreciate it.

I am still contemplating a path forward with my mother on the subject. I know she is a big ball of emotions over all this- sad, frustrated, resentful, depressed, stressed. And she likes to be in control so she can be the martyr later.... As I said, the noticeable decline in my Dad has been seemingly quick, and actually, he is only 67 not 68 like I stated earlier; he'll turn 68 later this year. The diagnosis came a month after his 67th birthday, so yes, he seems young.

My Mom can drive, so transportation is not really an issue. It's just getting her on board with taking and hiding the keys at least for the short term. Long term, I'm hoping to convince her to talk to my Dad's doctor about having the doctor "revoking" his driving privileges. I just know it will be hard to convince her; I sometime think that since she's with him every day, she's gets a little immune to how quickly my Dad is failing to those of us who don't see him every day.

Anyways, again, thank you to everyone who replied. It is shocking to me at times how someone so brilliant can fade away at least mentally so quickly. It's also so sad to me so many other people have had to go through this with their own loved ones, and with the seeming prevalence of the disease, there still is no potential therapy or drug anywhere on the horizon to help lessen or stop the decline....

[Anonymous]

I am very sorry for what you and your familu are going through, OP. It is a very sad and difficult thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Thank you everyone who took time to reply and give advice; I do appreciate it.

I am still contemplating a path forward with my mother on the subject. I know she is a big ball of emotions over all this- sad, frustrated, resentful, depressed, stressed. And she likes to be in control so she can be the martyr later.... As I said, the noticeable decline in my Dad has been seemingly quick, and actually, he is only 67 not 68 like I stated earlier; he'll turn 68 later this year. The diagnosis came a month after his 67th birthday, so yes, he seems young.

My Mom can drive, so transportation is not really an issue. It's just getting her on board with taking and hiding the keys at least for the short term. Long term, I'm hoping to convince her to talk to my Dad's doctor about having the doctor "revoking" his driving privileges. I just know it will be hard to convince her; I sometime think that since she's with him every day, she's gets a little immune to how quickly my Dad is failing to those of us who don't see him every day.

Anyways, again, thank you to everyone who replied. It is shocking to me at times how someone so brilliant can fade away at least mentally so quickly. It's also so sad to me so many other people have had to go through this with their own loved ones, and with the seeming prevalence of the disease, there still is no potential therapy or drug anywhere on the horizon to help lessen or stop the decline....

I don't think you have much time...I notice you say " long term I will have the dr. revoke the license, etc., I'll try and talk to Mom.

I am a little younger than your Mom. Frankly, if I were in her position, I would be stepping up to curtail the driving and he wouldn't be alone in the house pretty soon after dx. Don't say" Well, you don't know what you would do..." Yes, I do.

Here's what I've learned from watching my parents and my friends' parents over the years. As things happen, the spouses tend to cover for each other, and it seems sweet in a way, but it's about selfishness. They don't want their lives to change, and whatever illness the other spouse has interferes with that . It's not as much as mean as it is fear. Fear of change, fear of being alone, fear of death. If we don't acknowledge it, it isn't happening really. And- they will actually lie to you in order to preserve this fantasy.

The car thing needs to stop now, and regards to other things, your Mom might need some counseling because she is having trouble with accepting . I know that you didn't expect to be having to take over at your age, but your Mom isn't, so you have to. Not later- now. I'm sorry- it really is hard. Been there, and it was ugly.

[Anonymous]

This from PP: this is exactly my parents. To a T. Believe what she said: Here's what I've learned from watching my parents and my friends' parents over the years. As things happen, the spouses tend to cover for each other, and it seems sweet in a way, but it's about selfishness. They don't want their lives to change, and whatever illness the other spouse has interferes with that . It's not as much as mean as it is fear. Fear of change, fear of being alone, fear of death

[Anonymous]

There’s a form you can fill out for the DMV when you are concerned about someone’s ability to drive. Fill it out and send it in. My dad continued to give my mother the keys to the car despite the fact that she clearly was no longer safe to drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Here's what I've learned from watching my parents and my friends' parents over the years. As things happen, the spouses tend to cover for each other, and it seems sweet in a way, but it's about selfishness. They don't want their lives to change, and whatever illness the other spouse has interferes with that . It's not as much as mean as it is fear. Fear of change, fear of being alone, fear of death. If we don't acknowledge it, it isn't happening really. And- they will actually lie to you in order to preserve this fantasy.

The car thing needs to stop now, and regards to other things, your Mom might need some counseling because she is having trouble with accepting . I know that you didn't expect to be having to take over at your age, but your Mom isn't, so you have to. Not later- now. I'm sorry- it really is hard. Been there, and it was ugly.

OP here: PP- thank you: You've hit the nail on the head. My Mom does cover a lot of my Dad, and as you astutely noted: it's likely rooted in fear. So it's easier to ignore so as not to acknowledge the reality. She makes excuses for why his memory is poor on any given day (it was really hot out, or she had given him cold medicine), until she realizes that the memory issue he is exhibiting doesn't go away when the factor she used as an excuse does. She also ignores the fact that he's gone from scoring a 22 on a cognitive assessment, which is what he scored around the time of diagnosis ( backed up by an MRI showing front temporal shrinkage), to an 18 in the span of 6 months. Yet, when my husband and I put up a car for sale recently, she asked if she and my Dad could buy it so my Dad could have a car to tool around in, since as previously mentioned, his current vehicle is in poor condition and can't be driven far..

I do know my Mom went to a support group a couple months ago for spouses/caretakers of family members w/Alzheimer's. She said she left in tears one time b/c people in the group were telling her how to handle things that will be down the road (incontinence, feeding, showering, etc.). So she hasn't gone back b/c she doesn't think she's at the point with my Dad where the other members are with their loved ones. SMH.

It's hard. I live a 5 hour drive away from my folks; they are in a very rural area so flying is not an option. Plus I have 2 children under the age of 4 at home, both my husband and I have busy careers, and travel is a requirement for mine, etc. We were juggling a lot before this happened. Not using it as an excuse; just for context. Since the winter I've been trying to get down 1x/month to help out for a few days. Long term, in a year, we're planning to move closer so I can drive to/from their home more frequently. We've already started touring neighborhoods and identifying area of the city we're planning to move to. My only other sibling is located out on the Pacific coast, so other than me, that's pretty much it in terms of help for my parents; we have no other family nearby.

Honestly, all this worries me sick. I sent my Mom a message apologizing for pushing the issue when she asked me to stop, but stating I hoped to talk very soon about my Dad's driving situation. All I got back was that she and my Dad had toured a retirement community w/ independent and assisted living communities, as well as a memory center for "when the time comes" and that my Dad was really emotionally about it afterwards. No acknowledgement about him continuing to drive. Part of me is like... I've done all I can do and my Mom is a grown-ass woman and if she chooses to continue to act so recklessly with my Dad, especially after concerns have been raised to her about it, then if anything should happen, that is on her. And part of me is worried sick over all of this. They have a lot of assets they could lose in a lawsuit if my Dad were to injure or harm someone while driving.

I don't know the name of my Dad's doctor yet, so it may just be that I need to start calling around to figure out where he's a patient. If I ask my Mom now, she'll know what I'm up to. Or, is another previous poster noted- contact the DMV to see if they can help. But even that, short of taking his keys... if his licenses is suspended, knowing my Dad, he'd just drive w/o a license until my Mom actually takes and disposes of the keys and he cannot find them. I'll likely try to talk to her one last time, and if she continues to make excuses, then I'll have to do one of the above. Or take the damn keys myself when I'm down there in a few weeks, and my Mom can be pissed at me all she wants.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps it is for the best?! What are we advocating for attestupa like vikings? My father had dementia, what a terrible suggestion to think that he could have frozen to death, drowned, starved to death! After being there for me my whole life?! Oh, well, he is too much trouble now? What a selfish and inhumane reply! We even euthanize pets as it is more humane, but let your parents die lost somewhere because you don't want the hassle?! If there is hell, your ticket is booked way ahead!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Here's what I've learned from watching my parents and my friends' parents over the years. As things happen, the spouses tend to cover for each other, and it seems sweet in a way, but it's about selfishness. They don't want their lives to change, and whatever illness the other spouse has interferes with that . It's not as much as mean as it is fear. Fear of change, fear of being alone, fear of death. If we don't acknowledge it, it isn't happening really. And- they will actually lie to you in order to preserve this fantasy.

The car thing needs to stop now, and regards to other things, your Mom might need some counseling because she is having trouble with accepting . I know that you didn't expect to be having to take over at your age, but your Mom isn't, so you have to. Not later- now. I'm sorry- it really is hard. Been there, and it was ugly.

OP here: PP- thank you: You've hit the nail on the head. My Mom does cover a lot of my Dad, and as you astutely noted: it's likely rooted in fear. So it's easier to ignore so as not to acknowledge the reality. She makes excuses for why his memory is poor on any given day (it was really hot out, or she had given him cold medicine), until she realizes that the memory issue he is exhibiting doesn't go away when the factor she used as an excuse does. She also ignores the fact that he's gone from scoring a 22 on a cognitive assessment, which is what he scored around the time of diagnosis ( backed up by an MRI showing front temporal shrinkage), to an 18 in the span of 6 months. Yet, when my husband and I put up a car for sale recently, she asked if she and my Dad could buy it so my Dad could have a car to tool around in, since as previously mentioned, his current vehicle is in poor condition and can't be driven far..

I do know my Mom went to a support group a couple months ago for spouses/caretakers of family members w/Alzheimer's. She said she left in tears one time b/c people in the group were telling her how to handle things that will be down the road (incontinence, feeding, showering, etc.). So she hasn't gone back b/c she doesn't think she's at the point with my Dad where the other members are with their loved ones. SMH.

It's hard. I live a 5 hour drive away from my folks; they are in a very rural area so flying is not an option. Plus I have 2 children under the age of 4 at home, both my husband and I have busy careers, and travel is a requirement for mine, etc. We were juggling a lot before this happened. Not using it as an excuse; just for context. Since the winter I've been trying to get down 1x/month to help out for a few days. Long term, in a year, we're planning to move closer so I can drive to/from their home more frequently. We've already started touring neighborhoods and identifying area of the city we're planning to move to. My only other sibling is located out on the Pacific coast, so other than me, that's pretty much it in terms of help for my parents; we have no other family nearby.

Honestly, all this worries me sick. I sent my Mom a message apologizing for pushing the issue when she asked me to stop, but stating I hoped to talk very soon about my Dad's driving situation. All I got back was that she and my Dad had toured a retirement community w/ independent and assisted living communities, as well as a memory center for "when the time comes" and that my Dad was really emotionally about it afterwards. No acknowledgement about him continuing to drive. Part of me is like... I've done all I can do and my Mom is a grown-ass woman and if she chooses to continue to act so recklessly with my Dad, especially after concerns have been raised to her about it, then if anything should happen, that is on her. And part of me is worried sick over all of this. They have a lot of assets they could lose in a lawsuit if my Dad were to injure or harm someone while driving.

I don't know the name of my Dad's doctor yet, so it may just be that I need to start calling around to figure out where he's a patient. If I ask my Mom now, she'll know what I'm up to. Or, is another previous poster noted- contact the DMV to see if they can help. But even that, short of taking his keys... if his licenses is suspended, knowing my Dad, he'd just drive w/o a license until my Mom actually takes and disposes of the keys and he cannot find them. I'll likely try to talk to her one last time, and if she continues to make excuses, then I'll have to do one of the above. Or take the damn keys myself when I'm down there in a few weeks, and my Mom can be pissed at me all she wants.

I'm the PP that wrote the beginning to this reply. FWIW, I am older than you, but doing this right now with my inlaws after watching it with my parents. It is horrible. It is like managing teenagers who lie. I guess you realized what I did, and what you are realizing now. You do have to piss them off, and it's so sad bc that's the least thing you want to do at this point in their lives. I guess I am surprised at your Mom... 6 years older than me. She needs to get it together. My heart goes out to her, a very sad end to their life. However, if he hurts someone in a car, the lawsuit will wipe out all their assets. There won't be a decent facility in about a year...( yes, for early onset it progresses rapidly), it will be a poorly run facility that has an opening and takes Medicare....and not immediately when she needs it. That takes months of paperwork. She will be left penniless and destitute, and possibly criminally liable, within two years. Get a social worker to explain that to her.

Another thing you've realized. Only one sibling generally steps up. Looks like it's you. I wish I could give you a hug here.

[Anonymous]

Not sure if this is realistic if they live in a rural area but we had some success getting my in laws to accept help by using a geriatric care manager to help facilitate the conversation. She had a wealth of suggestions and while they weren’t all successful, the fact that a friendly and authoritative third party was suggesting them helped break down some of the resistance. Her hourly rate was really not that expensive. I think a social worker also could be good at this, but we didn’t really know how to get in touch with one that specialized in this type of issue and was in private practice. The geriatric care managers have an association so it was easy to find someone.

[Anonymous]

You said in your set up that your mom was slow to even raise the diagnosis. Now you are going to let her control the timing of taking him off the road?

Call the Dr or DMV this week! You have some responsibility here, as the healthy person who has recognized this danger to others.