Mad at my kids. Mad at myself, feeling like a failure

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is your own being high strung and complicating things. How old are your kids? Did your DH ever do the same for you? I mean, I hate to say it as a woman, but most of our troubles are of our own creation. Why is everything a big deal? Pick a card and give it to your dh, why this much ado about nothing?
This reads to me like, it could have been a good day, but I decided to make it a misery, for kids, for me, for everyone. Why? When you went to the grocery store, you couldn't just pick a card?!

PO, you are missing OP’s point here!

I’m missing OPs point then too. I completely agree with the PP that this is an issue of OPs creation.

[Anonymous]

The PPs saying lower the bar... really? For 8 and 11? I was definitely making/buying my own presents for family and friends by those ages (respectively). For OPs post, it’s clear she wasn’t wedded to this activity/gift, it was the fallback when the kids weren’t interested in anything; not acceptable. I wouldn’t hold their birthdays over them, but I’d make a big deal about leaving them with a babysitter for a date night where we’re doing something they’d enjoy. These kids sound selfish and entitled and I’d want to kickstart changing that. Then I’d introduce chores if they don’t have them already...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll differ from the PPs. It doesn’t take a ton of effort to pick out a nice card or draw a picture or slap a few stickers. But it sounds like your kids aren’t the artsy crafts type and also the timing of the card purchase was bad then they soured on the whole project.

Did you ask them in a calmer moment what they thought they wanted to do to celebrate their dad? What ideas they have for making their dad’s day special? Review all the ways he does tho ha for them and all his good qualities. Talk about why birthdays are important to you.

I agree. My 6 and 3 year old grandkids helped pick out a birthday card. We had a great time and ended up with 3.

[Anonymous]

If they don’t want to participate, then get a sitter and take your husband out for his birthday, just the two of you. If the kids want to be involved (I.e. have cake), they have to fully participate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sucks, OP. I'd try to develop a little empathy. "How would you feel if we didn't put in any effort in your birthday?"

I’d go a little further and say, “Seems like celebrating birthdays isn’t important to you two. That’s fine, you don’t need to-yours included.”

You are dealing with kids here. Not adults. Fairly young kids, too. This isn’t appropriate.
I would rather not have my kids give me anything that have them threatened by my spouse to come up with a birthday card/gift.

It’s not about giving, it’s about participating in a family activity to acknowledge a birthday. Yes, kids are self-centered but that doesn’t mean you can’t start teaching them to be considerate of others’ feelings and that it’s not about them all the time. I have an acquaintance who can’t be bothered to acknowledge/celebrate anybody else’s birthday, but when hers comes around she expects people to go all out. Wonder how she got that way. I don’t expect my kids to give me anything but they do participate in birthday preparations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sucks, OP. I'd try to develop a little empathy. "How would you feel if we didn't put in any effort in your birthday?"

I’d go a little further and say, “Seems like celebrating birthdays isn’t important to you two. That’s fine, you don’t need to-yours included.”

You are dealing with kids here. Not adults. Fairly young kids, too. This isn’t appropriate.
I would rather not have my kids give me anything that have them threatened by my spouse to come up with a birthday card/gift.

It’s not about giving, it’s about participating in a family activity to acknowledge a birthday. Yes, kids are self-centered but that doesn’t mean you can’t start teaching them to be considerate of others’ feelings and that it’s not about them all the time. I have an acquaintance who can’t be bothered to acknowledge/celebrate anybody else’s birthday, but when hers comes around she expects people to go all out. Wonder how she got that way. I don’t expect my kids to give me anything but they do participate in birthday preparations.

So teach them. But the bolded is where (for me) it crosses a line and becomes a threat. It doesn’t teach them to be thoughtful- just persuades them to participate so they get what they want (to celebrate their birthday).

[Anonymous]

That’s really sad. I would be very disappointed. Sure wouldn’t make a fuss about their birthdays anymore. I would say oops I didn’t feel like getting you any presents this year .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s really sad. I would be very disappointed. Sure wouldn’t make a fuss about their birthdays anymore. I would say oops I didn’t feel like getting you any presents this year .

I don’t know anyone IRL who would actually do this and follow thru. Same thing with parents who threaten Santa won’t come. Either hollow threats or some really vindictive parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with ignoring their birthdays but, at the end of the day after the kid learns what that feels like, I'd give them a hidden cake/present.

Psycho.

[Anonymous]

I have 8 and 10yo boys. This would be unacceptable. I would be upset, OP.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't seem minor to me, OP. My DD is 10 and the same way and I'm very concerned with lack of effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with ignoring their birthdays but, at the end of the day after the kid learns what that feels like, I'd give them a hidden cake/present.

Psycho.

+1
They will tell their therapist this story years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sucks, OP. I'd try to develop a little empathy. "How would you feel if we didn't put in any effort in your birthday?"

I’d go a little further and say, “Seems like celebrating birthdays isn’t important to you two. That’s fine, you don’t need to-yours included.”

You are dealing with kids here. Not adults. Fairly young kids, too. This isn’t appropriate.
I would rather not have my kids give me anything that have them threatened by my spouse to come up with a birthday card/gift.

It’s not about giving, it’s about participating in a family activity to acknowledge a birthday. Yes, kids are self-centered but that doesn’t mean you can’t start teaching them to be considerate of others’ feelings and that it’s not about them all the time. I have an acquaintance who can’t be bothered to acknowledge/celebrate anybody else’s birthday, but when hers comes around she expects people to go all out. Wonder how she got that way. I don’t expect my kids to give me anything but they do participate in birthday preparations.

So teach them. But the bolded is where (for me) it crosses a line and becomes a threat. It doesn’t teach them to be thoughtful- just persuades them to participate so they get what they want (to celebrate their birthday).

Hard agree. People can't TEACH their children anything without resorting to punishments and gotchas?

[Anonymous]

OP back. I’m laughing at the suggestion to do nothing for their birthdays, which are months away. I’m trying to teach them to be kind and giving, not vindictive!

I had taken some time away bc I was so aggravated and the older came and told me that he was sorry; he did want to make it a special day. That made a huge difference. The younger saw what a great reaction the older got with the apology so he followed suit. We made the cake together. Dad loved his poster (despite the less than stellar effort). I’m hoping it was just a bad day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They are 8 and 11. No, cards aren’t their language, but their dad would have loved a sentimental card from them. Their dad loves them and takes them places plenty but for HIS birthday, that’s not what he wants to do. He wants to sleep in and relax. I did ask the kids about various things (including helping me bake something) but it was all no and they also didn’t come up with their own thing. Sorry, but I don’t think it’s a lot to ask to think of one nice thing about dad and write it down. It’s just not a lot to ask.

It’s not and I feel you and would be really disappointed as well.