Mad at my kids. Mad at myself, feeling like a failure

[Anonymous]

DH was having a birthday. Took the kids to pick out a card, nothing but complaints. Both of them picked out the first card they say without even reading it (one said “to my dearest husband...”) because they were in such a hurry to leave. No one could come up with any ideas of a gift, which I understand because he’s tough to buy for. So fine, I say, let’s just make a little poster telling him we love him. They agree eagerly because they just want to leave.

We go home; they don’t want to do it. Ok, that’s fine; there’s time. Let me know when you’re ready. Of course, never happens, so we have to do it morning of birthday. I got it all started and told them to add a nice thought for their dad. I had also bought some stickers that were from Father’s Day but also included general “great dad” sentiments. I said to add a couple of stickers, just make sure not to use the ones that say Happy Fathers Day and make sure they are facing the right way. They slap a couple of stickers on there, using the ones I told them not use, not bothering to face them the right way, and say they can’t think of a single nice thing to write. They are complaining the entire time. They even argue about signing the card. Basically, they can’t be bothered to spend 10 minutes doing anything nice for their dad’s birthday. I am clearly raising the most selfish entitled kids.

[Anonymous]

How old are they?

[Anonymous]

Ages?

If a bit older I would make a comment about whether they would appreciate my putting the same lack of effort into celebrating their birthdays from now on.

I would arrange a baby sitter and go out to dinner with your husband.

[Anonymous]

It might not be their love language? Maybe they’d rather take him to Kings dominion or a movie or on a hike? Or bake him a dessert?

[Anonymous]

This is your own being high strung and complicating things. How old are your kids? Did your DH ever do the same for you? I mean, I hate to say it as a woman, but most of our troubles are of our own creation. Why is everything a big deal? Pick a card and give it to your dh, why this much ado about nothing?
This reads to me like, it could have been a good day, but I decided to make it a misery, for kids, for me, for everyone. Why? When you went to the grocery store, you couldn't just pick a card?!

[Anonymous]

Does your DH even care about this? Mine wouldn’t, so I don’t bother dealing with cards for him. My 10 year old is similar to this, but will go all out for the dog’s birthday. He even cut out a bone shaped valentine for the dog, while I got... nothing.
Anyway, meet them where they’re at. Ask what they would like to do next time and let them guide their own gift or outing for someone else. Cards aren’t their thing, but I bet something else is.

[Anonymous]

This seems so minor, unless you set great store by gestures that ultimately have little meaning. More importantly, are your children generally kind and empathetic, particularly when they notice someone in distress? That's what really matters. I'd rather have family members who are caring most days than relatives who only go through the motions on my birthday.

I've never forced the kids to make cards or think of gifts for family. My daughter makes the most wonderful cards, my son scrambles to add his name to hers at the last minute. They don't buy us gifts. Yet my 11 year old son called 911 when he came home from school one day and found me collapsed on the floor, and followed instructions from the operator to count my pulse and check vital signs. He also got his little sister and himself to the neighbor's, *and did his homework there*, when I was ambulanced to the hospital. That's a tad bit more important.

[Anonymous]

OP here. They are 8 and 11. No, cards aren’t their language, but their dad would have loved a sentimental card from them. Their dad loves them and takes them places plenty but for HIS birthday, that’s not what he wants to do. He wants to sleep in and relax. I did ask the kids about various things (including helping me bake something) but it was all no and they also didn’t come up with their own thing. Sorry, but I don’t think it’s a lot to ask to think of one nice thing about dad and write it down. It’s just not a lot to ask.

[Anonymous]

I’ll differ from the PPs. It doesn’t take a ton of effort to pick out a nice card or draw a picture or slap a few stickers. But it sounds like your kids aren’t the artsy crafts type and also the timing of the card purchase was bad then they soured on the whole project.

Did you ask them in a calmer moment what they thought they wanted to do to celebrate their dad? What ideas they have for making their dad’s day special? Review all the ways he does tho ha for them and all his good qualities. Talk about why birthdays are important to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They are 8 and 11. No, cards aren’t their language, but their dad would have loved a sentimental card from them. Their dad loves them and takes them places plenty but for HIS birthday, that’s not what he wants to do. He wants to sleep in and relax. I did ask the kids about various things (including helping me bake something) but it was all no and they also didn’t come up with their own thing. Sorry, but I don’t think it’s a lot to ask to think of one nice thing about dad and write it down. It’s just not a lot to ask.

Ignore their birthdays.

[Anonymous]

The best lesson would have been for your husband to show his disappointment that their was no card from their children. You should have done whatever you were going to do for your husband, and let your kids fail. Empathy is learned. Maybe when they feel that they failed, they’ll make it better next year.

[Anonymous]

If your husband wants to sleep in and relax for his birthday, maybe the kids could take on a project in the house or yard to help him out, or cook him a special meal or bake cookies with supervision. It doesn’t sound like picking out a card and doing a craft project is their thing and that’s ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They are 8 and 11. No, cards aren’t their language, but their dad would have loved a sentimental card from them. Their dad loves them and takes them places plenty but for HIS birthday, that’s not what he wants to do. He wants to sleep in and relax. I did ask the kids about various things (including helping me bake something) but it was all no and they also didn’t come up with their own thing. Sorry, but I don’t think it’s a lot to ask to think of one nice thing about dad and write it down. It’s just not a lot to ask.

Ignore their birthdays.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP here. They are 8 and 11. No, cards aren’t their language, but their dad would have loved a sentimental card from them. Their dad loves them and takes them places plenty but for HIS birthday, that’s not what he wants to do. He wants to sleep in and relax. I did ask the kids about various things (including helping me bake something) but it was all no and they also didn’t come up with their own thing. Sorry, but I don’t think it’s a lot to ask to think of one nice thing about dad and write it down. It’s just not a lot to ask.

They are too young to be complaining like this, but some of the activities you want them to do do sound a little babyish for this age (stickers? helping you bake?). Do they have chores? If not, it's time. If they have them, it's time for some more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your husband wants to sleep in and relax for his birthday, maybe the kids could take on a project in the house or yard to help him out, or cook him a special meal or bake cookies with supervision. It doesn’t sound like picking out a card and doing a craft project is their thing and that’s ok.

That would have been wonderful, but the thing that I’m trying to convey is that they did not want to do ANYthing. The cards were a last ditch effort to acknowledge the day. It involved a minimal level of effort. Guys, I asked them to add a couple of stickers and a sentence because THEY shot everything else down and couldn’t think of a single other thing. Do you honestly think I’m asking too much? Seriously?