Mad at my kids. Mad at myself, feeling like a failure

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is your own being high strung and complicating things. How old are your kids? Did your DH ever do the same for you? I mean, I hate to say it as a woman, but most of our troubles are of our own creation. Why is everything a big deal? Pick a card and give it to your dh, why this much ado about nothing?
This reads to me like, it could have been a good day, but I decided to make it a misery, for kids, for me, for everyone. Why? When you went to the grocery store, you couldn't just pick a card?!

I think you are being too harsh. She is trying to teach her kids how to show appreciation to their father. Sometimes raising kids is hard. Sure, it would be easier to let it go and just do it herself, but what would that teach her kids? You can't just raise kids with the philosophy that at all times one must minimize fuss and placate kids so that they never feel uncomfortable and never whine.

OP it is not unreasonable to ask you kids to spend three minutes to pick out an appropriate birthday card. The root problem is not the card (and whoever made that love languages comment is ridiculous.) This is about them not treating you with respect or following your very simple, reasonable request. You need to arrest this NOW because as a parent of teens, believe me I see the bad results. I would have stood in that grocery store and told my kids weren't leaving until they picked out a nice card, and I would have meant it. (Then I would have praised their choice and clued my husband in to act super appreciative and happy.)

[Anonymous]

I agree that you need to set the bar a little lower (not much) since they're 8 / 11. Set a deadline for what is expected (no asking). Dad's bday is next Monday. By Friday decide what you'd like to do for him and remember he just want to sleep late in the morning and relax, so decide by Friday about getting a gift, card or something cool. If they don't, they lose gaming, devices, whatever.

I disagree that they're selfish or not kind. My son is so incredibly kind and that's how he's wired, but at 8-11, self absorbed in the comfort of home. They all are.

[Anonymous]

It's your choice whether you want to stew over this all day or move on, and resolve to explain how some people really enjoy a little sentiment on their special day. Perhaps don't spring this on your kids at the last minute, and have them to this for multiple people from now on, so they get into the habit.

(Really, in the big scheme of things, this is completely unimportant!)

[Anonymous]

That sucks, OP. I'd try to develop a little empathy. "How would you feel if we didn't put in any effort in your birthday?"

[Anonymous]

You give them too many opportunities. You keep allowing them to push things off. Tell them it needs to get done before games and eating. They don’t do it? They don’t play or eat until it’s done. I’m sorry but a poster? So corny. It’s very babyish. I wouldn’t be into it at that age either. I’m sure it’s in the trash by now. Take the kids out the house, let husband sleep, and sex him when you get home.

[Anonymous]

Kids are spoiled brats and it is your fault because thoughtfulness and kindness are taught to children by your actions. I would have taken them home, taken away all electronic devices for a month, and restricted them to home for month. Also no TV. Their entertainment would be reading.

[Anonymous]

Is this the first time you’ve tried this?

[Anonymous]

The 8 year old would need guidance, while the 11 year old should be able to figure this out on their own. Next holiday, start earlier and have present, etc completed before the big day. You haven't failed as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Agree with ignoring their birthdays but, at the end of the day after the kid learns what that feels like, I'd give them a hidden cake/present.

[Anonymous]

Your should try to make your life as easy as possible, instead you are choosing to make it hard. Why?

[Anonymous]

I think you are putting too much stock in this. Kids (and OMG just wait until the teenage years) are self centered. They just are. It doesn’t make them bad or horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They are 8 and 11. No, cards aren’t their language, but their dad would have loved a sentimental card from them. Their dad loves them and takes them places plenty but for HIS birthday, that’s not what he wants to do. He wants to sleep in and relax. I did ask the kids about various things (including helping me bake something) but it was all no and they also didn’t come up with their own thing. Sorry, but I don’t think it’s a lot to ask to think of one nice thing about dad and write it down. It’s just not a lot to ask.

Ignore their birthdays.

-1
Don’t hold birthdays or holidays over their heads. You’re the adult here. Act like it.

[Anonymous]

BTW, does your husband care? Mine would not care about the card but would be irritated with the drama and negative tone set for the day.

[Anonymous]

What did they do last year? The year before? We make birthdays a big thing. Not necessarily presents but effort. So we start early and the little ones make cards and crafts a week or so in advance for whichever parent or grandparent. And then they really enjoy when the birthday person opens it and admires and thanks them.
I grew up like that too. Parents put in a big effort (not Pinterest) into a card with a poem or song. And it was a big thing for me to reciprocate. You can't expect it to just happen from nowhere. Teaching empathy and showing people you love them during their special days takes time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your husband wants to sleep in and relax for his birthday, maybe the kids could take on a project in the house or yard to help him out, or cook him a special meal or bake cookies with supervision. It doesn’t sound like picking out a card and doing a craft project is their thing and that’s ok.

That would have been wonderful, but the thing that I’m trying to convey is that they did not want to do ANYthing. The cards were a last ditch effort to acknowledge the day. It involved a minimal level of effort. Guys, I asked them to add a couple of stickers and a sentence because THEY shot everything else down and couldn’t think of a single other thing. Do you honestly think I’m asking too much? Seriously?

I agree with you, OP. You didn’t ask for much at all.

Next time, I’d tell them that they have to decide what to do a week in advance. It can be anything they want that doesn’t interfere with your husband’s wants for the day: