Class and cultural differences with nanny

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP every once in awhile my MIL would give me great advice : one was Don’t get so involved with your employees life. It just builds resentment on both sides.

Op here. Your MIL is right! I’ve never had an employee before. I’m not management material that’s for sure.

Does your MIL have any tips for how to walk it back? My kids truly love her and see her like a grandma of sorts. She’s been in their lives since birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this is a class or cultural thing. Our nanny is not originally from here and became a US citizen not long ago. She is super great at navigating this kind of stuff.

+1 Mine too. She signed up for Obamacare on her own. I never had to help her with that. Occasionally, I give advice when she gets back medical tests from a family members and doesn't know what type of specialist to call, but the Obamacare stuff was designed to be sort of user friendly.

Op here. That’s great, but it takes many years in the US (usually) to become a citizen. She’s only been here 3 years and still speaks virtually zero English. She’s not really up to speed yet.

I get not every single recent immigrant will have these struggles, but I do think these struggles are the result of her being a recent immigrant. Her mother brought her here and nobody in her family or extended family has a ton of money or education.

[Anonymous]

I’m from France, where the public health system is way more streamlined than here, and after living here for a decade, I still can’t believe what a horrific system Americans have to suffer through, not knowing how easy it would be to switch to something else!

PLEASE VOTE for people who are ready to unify healthcare, and cut out the insurers’ greed. Require big pharma to continue to make all life-saving drugs, and place a cap on drug prices. If other countries can do it, the richest and most powerful one of them all can too!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP every once in awhile my MIL would give me great advice : one was Don’t get so involved with your employees life. It just builds resentment on both sides.

Op here. Your MIL is right! I’ve never had an employee before. I’m not management material that’s for sure.

Does your MIL have any tips for how to walk it back? My kids truly love her and see her like a grandma of sorts. She’s been in their lives since birth.

PP here : It’s hard if not impossible to walk it back unfortunately. MIL lived all over the world with many employees. This nanny seems like a LOT of extra work. Your kids will probably get over her very fast— you would be surprised. We had several nannies before we found the one we kept for 10 years. Your nanny seems like a frustrating teenager with one foot in independence and one foot very needy hot mess. And you are paying her in the books and good salary. You can do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I’m from France, where the public health system is way more streamlined than here, and after living here for a decade, I still can’t believe what a horrific system Americans have to suffer through, not knowing how easy it would be to switch to something else!

PLEASE VOTE for people who are ready to unify healthcare, and cut out the insurers’ greed. Require big pharma to continue to make all life-saving drugs, and place a cap on drug prices. If other countries can do it, the richest and most powerful one of them all can too!!!!!

OP can’t change the health care system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I’m from France, where the public health system is way more streamlined than here, and after living here for a decade, I still can’t believe what a horrific system Americans have to suffer through, not knowing how easy it would be to switch to something else!

PLEASE VOTE for people who are ready to unify healthcare, and cut out the insurers’ greed. Require big pharma to continue to make all life-saving drugs, and place a cap on drug prices. If other countries can do it, the richest and most powerful one of them all can too!!!!!

OP can’t change the health care system.

Let me introduce you to little things called Voting, Activism and Fundraising.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My relatives are like this. They moved from South Asia in the late 90s but still haven't fully assimilated. They do the same things as your nanny. Ignoring prudent advice, going to the ER for non-emergencies, etc. I don't think it's a class or cultural thing.

Op here, ok what is it then, if not a class or a cultural thing?

Individual cognitive style. Lower IQ, learning/language disability, ADHD, who knows.

And I am not using those terms as an insult as some do on these boards. My younger son, the light of my heart, has low average IQ and learning disabilities. I am hopeful that as an adult he could follow very clear instructions like those you gave, even in a new country, but I don't know for sure. He is great with routines, struggles with new.

I'm sure she's a loving person, but as others have noted, do you think she could call an ambulance for your children if necessary? Call the police if someone was breaking in? Get all the kids out of the house if she saw a fire or smelled smoke? For some things you need someone who can think logically and quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I’m from France, where the public health system is way more streamlined than here, and after living here for a decade, I still can’t believe what a horrific system Americans have to suffer through, not knowing how easy it would be to switch to something else!

PLEASE VOTE for people who are ready to unify healthcare, and cut out the insurers’ greed. Require big pharma to continue to make all life-saving drugs, and place a cap on drug prices. If other countries can do it, the richest and most powerful one of them all can too!!!!!

The US leads in development of drugs for the entire world and also subsidizes them. If this stops, you’ll certainly experience a shock in France.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to take this thread in a different direction. But I have some sympathy with you nanny's 'disorganization' when it comes to healthcare. I come from a socialized healthcare system (European country), and I cannot believe how bureaucratic and nonsensical this system is. I'm organized in every other area of my life, but I keep falling down on the healthcare side of things - possibly due to denial / disbelief at how things work

+1 but I’m 5th generation American, I have plenty of experience and organization in my areas of strength but some things cause a specific disconnect of engagement or I just glaze over involuntarily. I think it’s mostly denial, especially with healthcare, it’s hard to be proactive with the paperwork side but this thread is inspiring me to focus on those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My relatives are like this. They moved from South Asia in the late 90s but still haven't fully assimilated. They do the same things as your nanny. Ignoring prudent advice, going to the ER for non-emergencies, etc. I don't think it's a class or cultural thing.

Op here, ok what is it then, if not a class or a cultural thing?

Individual cognitive style. Lower IQ, learning/language disability, ADHD, who knows.

And I am not using those terms as an insult as some do on these boards. My younger son, the light of my heart, has low average IQ and learning disabilities. I am hopeful that as an adult he could follow very clear instructions like those you gave, even in a new country, but I don't know for sure. He is great with routines, struggles with new.

I'm sure she's a loving person, but as others have noted, do you think she could call an ambulance for your children if necessary? Call the police if someone was breaking in? Get all the kids out of the house if she saw a fire or smelled smoke? For some things you need someone who can think logically and quickly.

Op here. I work from home full time, so I’m here. It’s a blessing and a curse. She does take them to the zoo, storytime, park, etc., but we don’t live in DC and are in an area where all of this stuff is in a 2-3 mile radius from our house. So I’m able to tolerate some of these issues more than I would if I was far away all day.

I do think she could handle calling 911-they actually do answer in Spanish!

Her issues are more with big picture administrative tasks-she seems to REALLY struggle there. With the immediate stuff right in front of her, she’s great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is this a class or cultural difference?

They aren’t. The nanny is a hot mess. It’s worrisome that OP thinks this is typical behavior for working class Latinos.

It sounds like typical ADHD to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to take this thread in a different direction. But I have some sympathy with you nanny's 'disorganization' when it comes to healthcare. I come from a socialized healthcare system (European country), and I cannot believe how bureaucratic and nonsensical this system is. I'm organized in every other area of my life, but I keep falling down on the healthcare side of things - possibly due to denial / disbelief at how things work

+1 but I’m 5th generation American, I have plenty of experience and organization in my areas of strength but some things cause a specific disconnect of engagement or I just glaze over involuntarily. I think it’s mostly denial, especially with healthcare, it’s hard to be proactive with the paperwork side but this thread is inspiring me to focus on those things.

Op here. I suck at it too!! Seriously. I actually struggle with some of this admin stuff too. It’s hard. Like it really is. That’s why I try to help but I get too emotional/angry when she doesn’t listen. It’s hard seeing her make bad decisions. It’s crazy making when she then asks me to fix things. She’s got some really hard lessons ahead and she doesn’t grasp the severity (eg-ignoring debts, not having health insurance. She can’t get Medicaid because of her immigration situation but I think she earns too much to qualify for it anyway).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My relatives are like this. They moved from South Asia in the late 90s but still haven't fully assimilated. They do the same things as your nanny. Ignoring prudent advice, going to the ER for non-emergencies, etc. I don't think it's a class or cultural thing.

Op here, ok what is it then, if not a class or a cultural thing?

Individual cognitive style. Lower IQ, learning/language disability, ADHD, who knows.

And I am not using those terms as an insult as some do on these boards. My younger son, the light of my heart, has low average IQ and learning disabilities. I am hopeful that as an adult he could follow very clear instructions like those you gave, even in a new country, but I don't know for sure. He is great with routines, struggles with new.

I'm sure she's a loving person, but as others have noted, do you think she could call an ambulance for your children if necessary? Call the police if someone was breaking in? Get all the kids out of the house if she saw a fire or smelled smoke? For some things you need someone who can think logically and quickly.

Op here. I work from home full time, so I’m here. It’s a blessing and a curse. She does take them to the zoo, storytime, park, etc., but we don’t live in DC and are in an area where all of this stuff is in a 2-3 mile radius from our house. So I’m able to tolerate some of these issues more than I would if I was far away all day.

I do think she could handle calling 911-they actually do answer in Spanish!

Her issues are more with big picture administrative tasks-she seems to REALLY struggle there. With the immediate stuff right in front of her, she’s great.

Not PP but I posted separately that it sounds like ADHD. Not being able to follow through on non-routine tasks is perhaps the number one characteristic of ADHD. Someone with ADHD will struggle with follow through (like sending in the additional paperwork) or breaking down a task that seems too big. They will struggle with remembering to do non-routine tasks on time (registering a car). With ADHD, it's not a comprehension problem so much as procrastinating and forgetting those types of things. Most adults with ADHD also have some level of anxiety and depression about their ability to perform those types of tasks. On the other hand, someone with ADHD can perform very well in positions that are immediate and hands-on (like child care or anything else that is stimulus/response). Just don't ask them to create a lesson plan and follow through on it.

My dad almost certainly had high IQ and ADHD. He was an auto mechanic and was always the senior journeyman where ever he worked because they could give him any car with a difficult or undiagnosed problem and he could fix it. But in any situation that involved future planning and follow through, he didn't do so well. Someone with ADHD can learn techniques to mitigate these issues, but it's really intensive and it's unlikely a grown adult in a working class job will significantly change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My relatives are like this. They moved from South Asia in the late 90s but still haven't fully assimilated. They do the same things as your nanny. Ignoring prudent advice, going to the ER for non-emergencies, etc. I don't think it's a class or cultural thing.

Op here, ok what is it then, if not a class or a cultural thing?

Individual cognitive style. Lower IQ, learning/language disability, ADHD, who knows.

And I am not using those terms as an insult as some do on these boards. My younger son, the light of my heart, has low average IQ and learning disabilities. I am hopeful that as an adult he could follow very clear instructions like those you gave, even in a new country, but I don't know for sure. He is great with routines, struggles with new.

I'm sure she's a loving person, but as others have noted, do you think she could call an ambulance for your children if necessary? Call the police if someone was breaking in? Get all the kids out of the house if she saw a fire or smelled smoke? For some things you need someone who can think logically and quickly.

Op here. I work from home full time, so I’m here. It’s a blessing and a curse. She does take them to the zoo, storytime, park, etc., but we don’t live in DC and are in an area where all of this stuff is in a 2-3 mile radius from our house. So I’m able to tolerate some of these issues more than I would if I was far away all day.

I do think she could handle calling 911-they actually do answer in Spanish!

Her issues are more with big picture administrative tasks-she seems to REALLY struggle there. With the immediate stuff right in front of her, she’s great.

Not PP but I posted separately that it sounds like ADHD. Not being able to follow through on non-routine tasks is perhaps the number one characteristic of ADHD. Someone with ADHD will struggle with follow through (like sending in the additional paperwork) or breaking down a task that seems too big. They will struggle with remembering to do non-routine tasks on time (registering a car). With ADHD, it's not a comprehension problem so much as procrastinating and forgetting those types of things. Most adults with ADHD also have some level of anxiety and depression about their ability to perform those types of tasks. On the other hand, someone with ADHD can perform very well in positions that are immediate and hands-on (like child care or anything else that is stimulus/response). Just don't ask them to create a lesson plan and follow through on it.

My dad almost certainly had high IQ and ADHD. He was an auto mechanic and was always the senior journeyman where ever he worked because they could give him any car with a difficult or undiagnosed problem and he could fix it. But in any situation that involved future planning and follow through, he didn't do so well. Someone with ADHD can learn techniques to mitigate these issues, but it's really intensive and it's unlikely a grown adult in a working class job will significantly change.

Op here. Thank you for this analysis. Wish I could change my post title to “nanny with ADHD”. I still do think that her being a recent immigrant adds another layer of difficulty here though, but it may not be the primary driver.

So what do I do? Just try to be more detached and let her fail/suffer? What I’m doing now isn’t working. I do think it helps her a little bit but it makes me crazy.

[Anonymous]

Wow, reading this makes me think I absolutely have ADHD that has been undiagnosed my entire life. I have a high IQ so I get by, but nevermind follow through or breaking down complex tasks.