Class and cultural differences with nanny

[Anonymous]

Op - you step-back to a level where "this isn't my problem", where it does not affect you. At all. This is stress your family does not need, you being stressed about this. It's not fair to them. I bet your DH's hearing about it. I bet it affects the family. If that level of disengagement with the nanny happens to be not employing her, so be it.

[Anonymous]

Ok now you have nanny who: doesn’t speak English, requires a lot of help but won’t do what you say, and has ADHD? And she’s driving you crazy. And you are hone with her all day ? Yikes!

[Anonymous]

One of the basic techniques is a notebook with all actions and due outs. If it's a habit to write down anything/everything that needs to be done and cross it off once it's done, it goes a long way. For large tasks, you break them down into individual actions that can be written down and crossed off.

The key is actually DOING this. Adults with ADHD have a system like this, they have someone in their life who is doing it for them, or they are failing. For OP, the question is how much do you want to invest? You can certainly keep acting like your nanny's notebook or you could try to teach her to do this on her own, but at the end of the day she has to be the one to do it.

(There are a lot of other techniques like setting up autopayments on EVERYTHING and effectively maintaining and using a calendar, but the notebook is the first big one).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, reading this makes me think I absolutely have ADHD that has been undiagnosed my entire life. I have a high IQ so I get by, but nevermind follow through or breaking down complex tasks.

If you're getting by it's probably mild and/or you've self-taught coping strategies. It might benefit you to have a session or two with an ADHD coach to learn more strategies though. Learning how to effectively use technology aids (auto pay, calendars, etc) is tremendous in and of itself. I have a credit score of almost 800 but only because computers are really good at remembering to pay my bills on time for me.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound lovely. We need more people in this world that truly care about others! My recommendation is to stop prying into her life as much and attempt to keep the conversations focused on the children. If she comes to you with a personal complaint/frustration, give her a short sympathetic response (as you might do with a toddler - not meant in a rude way). If she asks for help with a personal matter, be direct with her; tell her that you feel like you are wasting you time to help her because she does not follow through and that it is extremely frustrating for you. Agree to help only if she promises to follow through. Ask her to take notes during the process of whatever you’re doing or steps for what’s next, you also take notes and compare. Show her how to make a checklist (when/if you help her with something). Let go of her going to the ER, you cannot change people, unfortunately. When she shows you the bill, tell her, “Yes, I know the ER is extremely expensive, AND I’ve told you so you also know. Here is the location of urgent care, which only has a $50-100 copay.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are causing stress to the nanny. Help her find a more pleasant job with a pleasant boss.

Op here. I know it’s so horrible for me to want to help my nanny with problems that she ASKS me to help her with. /s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My relatives are like this. They moved from South Asia in the late 90s but still haven't fully assimilated. They do the same things as your nanny. Ignoring prudent advice, going to the ER for non-emergencies, etc. I don't think it's a class or cultural thing.

Op here, ok what is it then, if not a class or a cultural thing?

Individual cognitive style. Lower IQ, learning/language disability, ADHD, who knows.

And I am not using those terms as an insult as some do on these boards. My younger son, the light of my heart, has low average IQ and learning disabilities. I am hopeful that as an adult he could follow very clear instructions like those you gave, even in a new country, but I don't know for sure. He is great with routines, struggles with new.

I'm sure she's a loving person, but as others have noted, do you think she could call an ambulance for your children if necessary? Call the police if someone was breaking in? Get all the kids out of the house if she saw a fire or smelled smoke? For some things you need someone who can think logically and quickly.

Op here. I work from home full time, so I’m here. It’s a blessing and a curse. She does take them to the zoo, storytime, park, etc., but we don’t live in DC and are in an area where all of this stuff is in a 2-3 mile radius from our house. So I’m able to tolerate some of these issues more than I would if I was far away all day.

I do think she could handle calling 911-they actually do answer in Spanish!

Her issues are more with big picture administrative tasks-she seems to REALLY struggle there. With the immediate stuff right in front of her, she’s great.

At some point this will catch up with her. Hopefully not at your kids' sake.

[Anonymous]

I bet she's from a country that only recently banned lead in gasoline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet she's from a country that only recently banned lead in gasoline.

From the CDC: (https://www.atsdr.cdc.gov/csem/csem.asp?csem=34&po=10)

"Lead exposure has been linked with various types of brain damage. These include

Problems with thinking (cognition);
Difficulties with organizing actions, decisions, and behaviors (executive functions);"

[Anonymous]

I'm with the others that pointed out that healthcare here doesn't make sense. So, in that case, it wouldn't be lack of common sense from her but the other way around: with common sense, the system would be entirely different. Even in my home country, where nothing works, healthcare is way better and there is no such thing as those huge medical bills ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with the others that pointed out that healthcare here doesn't make sense. So, in that case, it wouldn't be lack of common sense from her but the other way around: with common sense, the system would be entirely different. Even in my home country, where nothing works, healthcare is way better and there is no such thing as those huge medical bills ever.

So here is what has been bothering me this whole thread; everyone bagging on the US health care and how it "doesn't make sense" and other countries (like the one OP's nanny is from) do it the RIGHT way, etc.

But OP's nanny went to the EMERGENCY ROOM for "every ailment"--include a headache! That is really what some of you think "makes sense?" To tie up emergency services for something that can be cured by taking a Tylenol?

It doesn't matter if the US health care system is different or inferior to other countries. That doesn't justify using (abusing) the emergency room the way OP's nanny has-especially since she has been told repeatedly not to and continues to.

OP, your nanny is a moron. There is no way in hell I would let her be responsible for a goldfish, never mind your precious children. You say you are not her sponsor, but the more you enable her, the more you make yourself "on the hook" for this woman; if not legally, then at least practically and morally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sucks at them because she is basically learning a new language in her early 40s, albeit a financial language.

From the moment I read your post, I had a feeling she came from nationalized healthcare. And I was correct.

My own husband and brother have problems navigating the insurance and medical bills issues and they have lived here all their lives. I worked as a medical billing specialist and read the entire ACA for an ethics paper.

You need to tell her where to go instead of the ER. How much is her urgent care copay? Does she have a PCP?

The registration stuff can get bad quickly. Does she drive your kids? If she gets pulled over with an expired registration or license, the car can be impounded (ask me how I know )

Op here. I agree. That’s why I framed this as a class/cultural thing. I’ve had the benefit of generations of education, wealth (albeit middle class, but still much more than most of the world has). The nanny has only been in America a few years. Most of her friends, neighbors, and acquaintances have the same sorts of problems and aren’t very good at helping her solve things. That’s why I try to help. I’m the only middle class educated American she knows. She doesn’t have the network to call on that I do of people who just know how the world works.

I guess it just grates on me so much when I take all this time to help her and she only half listens or doesn’t follow through.

She did get her car registered, I took leave so she could go yesterday. I didn’t even ask her how it went (trying to stay out of things more now!) but she got it done.

OP, I was going to ask you if she had any friends from her own country. I think immigrants sometimes learn the new systems best when they have friends or family from their home country -- who've been in the U.S. longer -- advising them. A friend can tell them, "You know how at home we just do X? Well her in the U.S. you have to do Y or else Z will happen." By comparing the before and after (home country vs. U.S.) they understand better.

If she's here legally, that would suggest she either had family petition to bring her or she married a U.S. citizen. Hopefully she knows someone from home who can advise her.

I'm sympathetic, OP! You sound very nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the basic techniques is a notebook with all actions and due outs. If it's a habit to write down anything/everything that needs to be done and cross it off once it's done, it goes a long way. For large tasks, you break them down into individual actions that can be written down and crossed off.

The key is actually DOING this. Adults with ADHD have a system like this, they have someone in their life who is doing it for them, or they are failing. For OP, the question is how much do you want to invest? You can certainly keep acting like your nanny's notebook or you could try to teach her to do this on her own, but at the end of the day she has to be the one to do it.

(There are a lot of other techniques like setting up autopayments on EVERYTHING and effectively maintaining and using a calendar, but the notebook is the first big one).

+1. My grandmother struggled to teach me to write everything down as a kid/teen, but I just viewed it as another thing to do, and I constantly lost my post its, notebooks and/or pencils.

Then I got a smart phone around 25. It’s small enough to go in my pocket, bra or purse, and I never lose it. I have note pad, alarms, timers, google calendar. Chrome always has 10+ tabs open, nothing gets closed until I finish with it.

Lots of parents want to limit tech with their kids, and I get it. From the get-go, I’m clear that my phone is the way I stay organized and I teach kids that it’s a tool. I’m also clear with everyone that tools can be misused if you aren’t careful.

[Anonymous]

Op my parents struggle with the same issues with the caregivers for my dependent sibling. No advice just sympathy. I guess I’d look for a new caregiver. It’s like you have another child!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you think this is a class or cultural issue, you like in a dangerous bubble. You need to meet more people who aren’t middle class Anglos.

Op here. I guess I thought this was a class/cultural thing. She just doesn’t seem to get how things work in the US, and she struggles to learn.

I’ve had the benefit of decades of living here, and so did my parents, etc.

I don’t think she grasps things like health insurance, or car registration. Her home country has nationalized health care.

When I lived in Costa Rica I had a landscape guy scheduled to come out to quote a big project. He never showed. Didn’t answer his phone. Showed up 2 days later, I’m here now. I said why didn’t you call 2 days ago. He said “why would I call if I wasn’t going to show up?” Seemed normal to him

So yes I agree with others that she’s a hot mess. But there is some cultural differences there