Are People Without Kids Treated Unfairly By Those With Kids?

[Anonymous]

Different situation, same principle:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/802315.page

[Anonymous]

Yes. My husband’s youngest sister doesn’t have kids. Flies from the west coast to see us. Always seems busy living a fun life with concerts and travel. No one ever visits her because they “don’t want to bother her” so she has to ask her parents to visit - since they tend to prioritize visiting grandkids. I try to send her gifts “just because” and let her know I see her and all she does for her family. I am an only child and I don’t think her siblings realize how wonderful she is.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Based on the way I worded my post, I can see why people think she implied the childless friend’s birthday didn’t matter because she didn’t have kids. I think she meant the childless friend would have celebrated however she wanted because she doesn’t have kids to consider and a mother like me needn’t worry about her. She had a bit of a martyr’s tone as if we were responsible mothers and my childless friend was selfish. I’m not one for confrontation (and these two women don’t know each other) but I am going to put distance between me and this newer mom friend. I do get the sense she’s a jealous person and shows some pettiness. Thanks for the advice on that to all the PPs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, they are treated unfairly at times by unthinking people.

I am childless (not by choice) and have had neighbors ask if we have children--when I say no, they turn around and walk away, like we aren't even worth knowing. Many women with kids expect me to be available at any time they want to see me, because "of course" I don't have as much to do.

I am so sorry you have to go through this with your neighbors after everything you’ve gone through. Hugs.

Thanks so much. It means a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, they are treated unfairly at times by unthinking people.

I am childless (not by choice) and have had neighbors ask if we have children--when I say no, they turn around and walk away, like we aren't even worth knowing. Many women with kids expect me to be available at any time they want to see me, because "of course" I don't have as much to do.

I've experienced this. We were new in a neighborhood and when a few families came to introduce themselves, they kind of made a face when they found out we didn't have kids. One guy asked why we'd want to move into that neighborhood, known for being family friendly and close to good schools, and take it away from another family. Yikes, nice to meet you, too!

Someone really did this? I just can’t imagine this reaction. Did you key that guy’s car?

Ha, I hope so.
Sorry PP, I'm the poster who had this happen too. Hugs to you.

In the DC area, I decided we should live in a crappy school district, save some money, and not be shunned by the neighbors in the "kid friendly" areas. I've had it happen twice before.

One of my friends thinks I'm crazy, not living where we really want, but she has kids and has never had anyone be mean to her for being childless before. Good for you for living where you wanted pp!

[Anonymous]

OP’s new friend reminds me of a story, told by a mother of teens.

-Young mother hired an au pair her age, hoping that they would be BFFs.
-When not working, au pair wanted to live a typical young life.
-YM was jealous of AP’s freedom, and started to create very strict house rules, such as “no wearing makeup inside” (or something like that).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
To build off of this, I agree that women without kids are treated unfairly. When we graduate with advanced degrees or reach a significant professional milestone, we barely get recognized in a lot of cases and we are often expected to pick up the slack at work when our co-workers have to leave early for parent-teacher conferences or soccer practice. Additionally, when women get married and have kids, they usually receive these elaborate showers and gifts, while similar accolades usually don't occur when we get promotions or finish grad school, which is something that you actually have to work for. In my harsh opinion, getting married and having kids is nice, but I do not view it as an accomplishment in the least.

This doesn't make a heck of a lot of sense. DH and I both have PhDs, and we're obviously married. Neither of us received lavish gifts when we finished grad school, but we did receive generous wedding gifts. Society, in general, values marriage and kids more than advanced degrees. And it's not like only the brides are receiving wedding gifts.

[Anonymous]

Yes, as a 39-year-old woman, who is childless not by choice, I think we are treated unfairly at times by parents. While I've seen many of the occurrences previously mentioned here, I would like to share another one that I recently experienced. I apologize in advance, though, as it is kind of a long story. But I'm hoping that writing it out will help me process it, as well as gain perspective from any responses.

I think the motives of childless people are sometimes judged unfairly, when we try to form friendships with families with children. I assist in a Sunday school class for kindergarten and 1st grade children and have always gotten along very well with the kids. Since I don't have children and my nephew and nieces (who I adore) live in another city (so that I only get to see them about 5 times per year, usually only for a day at a time), I enjoy working with the kids each week, especially when I get to lead the fun activities (e.g., games, music). Last year, a 1st-grade boy in the class, became particularly attached to me. He has ADHD and likely a learning disability, and he and his brother are home schooled primarily by their mother. I noticed a couple months into the class that while he often wanted to connect with the other kids, he sometimes had trouble finding a good way of doing so. But he loved to be my helper and would come running to greet me when I came into the room. I found him to be a sweet child, and when his parents would come to pick him up after class, they always thanked me and the teacher warmly and encouraged him as my helper. When it was time for him to move up to the next class, he didn't want to go. He told me and his parents that he wanted to stay in the class with me. We all assured him that he would enjoy his new class and that he would still see me at church. On the last day, he and his mother brought me 2 sweet gifts, a Braille necklace that says friend (I am vision impaired) and a heart-shaped recorder containing a voice message from him, thanking me for being his friend and helping out in Sunday school. His mother was all smiles when they delivered them, and responded with "aww" when he hugged me goodbye. Again she assured him that he would still get to see me. So, the following week, I e-mailed his mother to thank her for the thoughtful gifts and invite their family out to lunch with me after church some Sunday. She warmly accepted, stating that they were so glad that he had been able to form a friendship with me. Over the next 7 months, I spent more time with this family (which consisted of the 2 parents, this boy, and his 11-year-old brother). We went out to lunch about once per month, and they would pick me up at my house to go with them to first his baseball games and later his basketball games (once per week). His brother played the same sports on the same days, so I stayed for both boys' games. I got along well with both parents and both boys and freely admit that I thought I had formed a good friendship with the entire family. In the course of spending time with them, I also realized that I already knew the boys' grandmother, as we had previously been members of the same adult Sunday school class (before she changed churches), and we seemed to enjoy reconnecting. At Christmas, I asked the mom about giving both boys each a present, which she said was very sweet of me, and we exchanged gifts one Sunday at my house, after lunch out. Then in the spring, I invited the family to lunch out to celebrate the younger boy's 8th birthday and told the mom that I had gotten him a present. We ended up eating lunch at their house instead of a restaurant, but it seemed like a warm celebration. He was excited about playing soccer the following month, so I asked about coming to the games as I previously had. But this time, I received noncommittal responses from his mom. She would say things like she'd let me know the schedule when she had it, but then we would get close to the game days without her contacting me. When I e-mailed her to ask about it again, she wouldn't respond or she would finally make an excuse, such as that she didn't think the schedule was going to work out. I was surprised by this but didn't see it as an indication that their feelings toward me had changed. She mentioned at church one Sunday that she had some upcoming work events that would either partially or completely conflict with the younger boy's games, so she didn't know how many she would get to attend. Since the dad worked during the time of these particular games, she mentioned that their grandmother might have to "stand in" for her some times and that the mother of another boy on his team (who also attends our church) was her back-up. So, I figured she was overwhelmed, and I didn't want to add to that stress. So, when she started making excuses for me not to attend the first 2 games, I just accepted it. But at the same time, a part of me thought that perhaps he needed another supporter in the crowd cheering him on more than ever, since his mom's work schedule was so unusually busy at that time. Finally as the third game approached, I sent an e-mail asking if he was going to play that weekend. I assured her that while I would like to come to the game, she didn't have to worry about picking me up, because I could arrange my own transportation if need be. And I threw out that my driver and I could even give her son a ride to or from a game any time, if that would help out, given how much they had going on. I didn't think anything of the offer, just thought it was something that a family friend would offer to do to help out in such a situation and they could accept or decline it. I didn't get a reply from her. Instead, the dad called me at work the day before the game. I could tell that he was trying very hard to be diplomatic and not say the wrong thing, but he basically told me that he and his wife were concerned that I was encouraging too close of a relationship with the younger boy and that they wanted me to "back off." I was shocked, as I had thought by this time that my friendship was with the entire family, including the parents, no longer just with the younger boy. I certainly didn't feel like I could defend my position, because after all, he and his wife were the boy's parents, and if they didn't want me around their child anymore, I had to respect that. As his parents they had that right. Plus, if I argued with them, I could risk turning a respectful request into something far more damaging to me. But I felt that my behavior and the motives behind it were unfairly judged, because I was a single woman without children. It seemed as if the same actions that they welcomed from other parents in our church were now regarded as "too much" from me, because I didn't have kids of my own. They certainly didn't have a problem spending time in similar activities with or even leaving their boys in the care of other church members, who had children (some of whom had children their sons' ages and others who had older children who wouldn't have been playmates of the boys). I don't believe that being childless should automatically make the motives of childless adults' positive interactions with children suspect, but I do think that is how we are regarded. What we might offer out of kindness is sometimes viewed as either intrusive or even inappropriate, simply because we don't have kids of our own, whereas the same actions from other parents or grandparents in the community are more fairly viewed just as they are intended, as kindness and genuine acts of friendship with the entire family.