Are People Without Kids Treated Unfairly By Those With Kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's unfair to forget a birthday, or to not host. You didn't forget her birthday because she's childless. You don't fail to reciprocate her generosity because she's childless (if she is more generous than you because she's childless, that's her choice).

Expecting someone to do more work, be more flexible, stay later, etc is unfair. Talking only about your kids, or refusing to attend kid free events, is unfair because it's one-sided.

This happens all the time at my office. When I give an assignment to a mother, I get, "Can you give it to XYZ, I have to [something kid-related]." But, it's not at all fair for XYZ to have to do all the scut work, or be the one who always stays late. And then the parents complaint that they don't get as much responsibility as XYZ. Well, if you'd shown her willingness to work harder, or help out in a crunch, you'd get more opportunity too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, they are treated unfairly at times by unthinking people.

I am childless (not by choice) and have had neighbors ask if we have children--when I say no, they turn around and walk away, like we aren't even worth knowing. Many women with kids expect me to be available at any time they want to see me, because "of course" I don't have as much to do.

I've experienced this. We were new in a neighborhood and when a few families came to introduce themselves, they kind of made a face when they found out we didn't have kids. One guy asked why we'd want to move into that neighborhood, known for being family friendly and close to good schools, and take it away from another family. Yikes, nice to meet you, too!

Someone really did this? I just can’t imagine this reaction. Did you key that guy’s car?

[Anonymous]

there are givers and there are takers. not sure this is strongly related to being a parent. you and your generous friend both seems like givers and your other recent friend seems like a taker. people like that take advantage of whomever they can, childless and childful alike.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a good friend who is childless by choice. She is amazing to all her friends and family who are parents, which pretty much everyone is at this point. She’s hosted baby showers, brought dinners after births, sends so many random gifts to various kids just because the particular gift made her think of a particular kid, run errands to help a sick mom and is just generally a generous and thoughtful person.

I just realized I missed her birthday. I mentioned it to another mom (not a mutual friend) who said something about her not having kids and I shouldn’t worry about it too much. It’s got me thinking of how much my friend does without ever expecting anything in return. My other’s friends dismissiveness was really cold, but she also got me wondering if we as parents treat non parents as expendable.

I am really grateful to her and sent a gift and belated card right after the conversation. I honestly don’t think my friend would even expect it but maybe she should? Do you have anyone like this in your life?

So if someone doesn't have kids it's not worth wishing them a happy birthday? Wow. Your friend is a bitch.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I do think that people can take childless single women for granted! I have a kick-ass childless friend who recently got tenure and bought a house. I sent her a housewarming gift. She replied effusively -- because NOBODY had sent her a housewarming gift or even really acknowledged the milestones! I thought that was really crappy.

[Anonymous]

Childless people win out in some areas and lose out in others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, they are treated unfairly at times by unthinking people.

I am childless (not by choice) and have had neighbors ask if we have children--when I say no, they turn around and walk away, like we aren't even worth knowing. Many women with kids expect me to be available at any time they want to see me, because "of course" I don't have as much to do.

I've experienced this. We were new in a neighborhood and when a few families came to introduce themselves, they kind of made a face when they found out we didn't have kids. One guy asked why we'd want to move into that neighborhood, known for being family friendly and close to good schools, and take it away from another family. Yikes, nice to meet you, too!

I admit to being disappointed when new neighbors moved in on either side of us with no kids. I want friends for my kids! Both of the houses had kids previously. I wouldn't be as rude as that guy though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I do think that people can take childless single women for granted! I have a kick-ass childless friend who recently got tenure and bought a house. I sent her a housewarming gift. She replied effusively -- because NOBODY had sent her a housewarming gift or even really acknowledged the milestones! I thought that was really crappy.

I have kids. Nobody sent me housewarming gifts and I admit I don’t send them out either. Nobody sent my DH gifts when he got tenure. Many people sent us gifts and congratulations after our children were born.

Maybe it doesn’t have anything to do with being childless, maybe these milestones just aren’t acknowledged in your circle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, they are treated unfairly at times by unthinking people.

I am childless (not by choice) and have had neighbors ask if we have children--when I say no, they turn around and walk away, like we aren't even worth knowing. Many women with kids expect me to be available at any time they want to see me, because "of course" I don't have as much to do.

I've experienced this. We were new in a neighborhood and when a few families came to introduce themselves, they kind of made a face when they found out we didn't have kids. One guy asked why we'd want to move into that neighborhood, known for being family friendly and close to good schools, and take it away from another family. Yikes, nice to meet you, too!

I admit to being disappointed when new neighbors moved in on either side of us with no kids. I want friends for my kids! Both of the houses had kids previously. I wouldn't be as rude as that guy though.

Why do you move to a family neighborhood if you don’t have kids? Are you planning to have kids soon? Otherwise why would you want to? I’m really curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your other mom friend sounds like someone I’d want to punt off a rooftop. Who does she think she is?! I wouldn’t associate with her anymore if this is who she is.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I do think that people can take childless single women for granted! I have a kick-ass childless friend who recently got tenure and bought a house. I sent her a housewarming gift. She replied effusively -- because NOBODY had sent her a housewarming gift or even really acknowledged the milestones! I thought that was really crappy.

I have kids. Nobody sent me housewarming gifts and I admit I don’t send them out either. Nobody sent my DH gifts when he got tenure. Many people sent us gifts and congratulations after our children were born.

Maybe it doesn’t have anything to do with being childless, maybe these milestones just aren’t acknowledged in your circle?

To build off of this, I agree that women without kids are treated unfairly. When we graduate with advanced degrees or reach a significant professional milestone, we barely get recognized in a lot of cases and we are often expected to pick up the slack at work when our co-workers have to leave early for parent-teacher conferences or soccer practice. Additionally, when women get married and have kids, they usually receive these elaborate showers and gifts, while similar accolades usually don't occur when we get promotions or finish grad school, which is something that you actually have to work for. In my harsh opinion, getting married and having kids is nice, but I do not view it as an accomplishment in the least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a good friend who is childless by choice. She is amazing to all her friends and family who are parents, which pretty much everyone is at this point. She’s hosted baby showers, brought dinners after births, sends so many random gifts to various kids just because the particular gift made her think of a particular kid, run errands to help a sick mom and is just generally a generous and thoughtful person.

I just realized I missed her birthday. I mentioned it to another mom (not a mutual friend) who said something about her not having kids and I shouldn’t worry about it too much. It’s got me thinking of how much my friend does without ever expecting anything in return. My other’s friends dismissiveness was really cold, but she also got me wondering if we as parents treat non parents as expendable.

I am really grateful to her and sent a gift and belated card right after the conversation. I honestly don’t think my friend would even expect it but maybe she should? Do you have anyone like this in your life?

So if someone doesn't have kids it's not worth wishing them a happy birthday? Wow. Your friend is a bitch.

Agreed - I'm not even sure what that means. Birthday's don't matter if you have no kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I do think that people can take childless single women for granted! I have a kick-ass childless friend who recently got tenure and bought a house. I sent her a housewarming gift. She replied effusively -- because NOBODY had sent her a housewarming gift or even really acknowledged the milestones! I thought that was really crappy.

I have kids. Nobody sent me housewarming gifts and I admit I don’t send them out either. Nobody sent my DH gifts when he got tenure. Many people sent us gifts and congratulations after our children were born.

Maybe it doesn’t have anything to do with being childless, maybe these milestones just aren’t acknowledged in your circle?

NP -- I don't think it's about THOSE milestones. Maybe buying a house isn't a big deal in your crowd. Or maybe tenure isn't a big deal because no one in your crowd thinks of academia. But I think the point is single childless people tend to get NO celebrations. So no wedding showers; wedding; baby showers; no one calling in their congrats after babies come etc. and then when you also don't mark their other milestones be it a house or a new job or whatever -- then it's like they get no celebration. I honestly only came to this realization recently. A single childless friend in her 40s was going on for a while about how she got a minor award at lunch and they threw her a lunch (in the office, not a blacktie reception) -- and the food they ordered and how they know she likes x -- and I found myself thinking -- WTH it's an OFFICE lunch, what's the big deal. And then it occurred to me everyone wants to be celebrated and when you get to a certain age and don't have kids very few people are doing anything for you/asking about you etc. It's true for parents too -- not that many people are doing anything for YOU, but still people ask about your family and your own kids will at least mark your birthdays or anniversaries or whatever depending on family culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, they are treated unfairly at times by unthinking people.

I am childless (not by choice) and have had neighbors ask if we have children--when I say no, they turn around and walk away, like we aren't even worth knowing. Many women with kids expect me to be available at any time they want to see me, because "of course" I don't have as much to do.

I've experienced this. We were new in a neighborhood and when a few families came to introduce themselves, they kind of made a face when they found out we didn't have kids. One guy asked why we'd want to move into that neighborhood, known for being family friendly and close to good schools, and take it away from another family. Yikes, nice to meet you, too!

I admit to being disappointed when new neighbors moved in on either side of us with no kids. I want friends for my kids! Both of the houses had kids previously. I wouldn't be as rude as that guy though.

Why do you move to a family neighborhood if you don’t have kids? Are you planning to have kids soon? Otherwise why would you want to? I’m really curious.

NP - maybe they wanted a home of a certain size, in a certain location, with a certain commute? Maybe they looked at school districts and realized homes in good school districts have good resale value. Sorry parents, we don't all to live in one bedroom apartments in the city the rest of our lives so we can leave the SFHs in good areas for you and your precious kids. If you don't like us "taking" homes that belong to families -- here's a hint, outbid us.

[Anonymous]

The answer is yes and no. Hah! Yes in the sense that there's this idea people without kids do nothing but sleep in, eat out, travel, and have tons of money, when a lot of us work hard, are on budgets, take care of aging relatives or friends...you get the idea. Unfair in that at work we (especially the women) are expected to always cover for parents under the banner of "it takes a village" but the village tends to have one way streets...to the parents and their needs. I worked in an office where the non-kid people were expected to always cover but parents were allowed to say they couldn't cover because of their kids.

No in the sense of in my own personal experience I've never had anything but consideration and respect from friends and family. I adore the kids in my life, and am happy to do for them. I find that's reciprocated and appreciated by the parents, and I always get thanks and often a little gift. No one forgets my birthday. OP's friend is probably just a self-absorbed nightmare in general.