Husband sleeps on couch after arguments

[Anonymous]

When my wife gets angry with me she insists she's going to sleep on the couch. I usually go down at some point and talk her into sleeping in our bed.

I don't know if she imagines it's punishing me somehow to sleep on the couch, but from my perspective it's just giving her a bad's night sleep because of something, allegedly, I have done.

I'm happy to agree to a non-speaking truce and stick to my own side of the bed so that she can give me the silent treatment AND also get a good night's sleep.

The last couple of times I've made the offer but haven't wholeheartedly lobbied her to follow through. I have no idea what she thinks is being accomplished by sleeping on the couch, but I guess if she feels its making some point she can do it...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my wife gets angry with me she insists she's going to sleep on the couch. I usually go down at some point and talk her into sleeping in our bed.

I don't know if she imagines it's punishing me somehow to sleep on the couch, but from my perspective it's just giving her a bad's night sleep because of something, allegedly, I have done.

I'm happy to agree to a non-speaking truce and stick to my own side of the bed so that she can give me the silent treatment AND also get a good night's sleep.

The last couple of times I've made the offer but haven't wholeheartedly lobbied her to follow through. I have no idea what she thinks is being accomplished by sleeping on the couch, but I guess if she feels its making some point she can do it...

This is so odd. Of course the person who did something wrong is happy to have a truce and never talk about it again.

Instead of living in some kind of stalemate, just own up to whatever you did to hurt your partner, apologize, and try not to do it again. Not every argument has to be this long drawn out thing that takes days to resolve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my wife gets angry with me she insists she's going to sleep on the couch. I usually go down at some point and talk her into sleeping in our bed.

I don't know if she imagines it's punishing me somehow to sleep on the couch, but from my perspective it's just giving her a bad's night sleep because of something, allegedly, I have done.

I'm happy to agree to a non-speaking truce and stick to my own side of the bed so that she can give me the silent treatment AND also get a good night's sleep.

The last couple of times I've made the offer but haven't wholeheartedly lobbied her to follow through. I have no idea what she thinks is being accomplished by sleeping on the couch, but I guess if she feels its making some point she can do it...

She’s on the couch thinking about whether or not she can live like this or if she should file for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my wife gets angry with me she insists she's going to sleep on the couch. I usually go down at some point and talk her into sleeping in our bed.

I don't know if she imagines it's punishing me somehow to sleep on the couch, but from my perspective it's just giving her a bad's night sleep because of something, allegedly, I have done.

I'm happy to agree to a non-speaking truce and stick to my own side of the bed so that she can give me the silent treatment AND also get a good night's sleep.

The last couple of times I've made the offer but haven't wholeheartedly lobbied her to follow through. I have no idea what she thinks is being accomplished by sleeping on the couch, but I guess if she feels its making some point she can do it...

This is so odd. Of course the person who did something wrong is happy to have a truce and never talk about it again.

Instead of living in some kind of stalemate, just own up to whatever you did to hurt your partner, apologize, and try not to do it again. Not every argument has to be this long drawn out thing that takes days to resolve.

What's odd? Who says I didn't apologize?

You've added that detail yourself.

My point is that if she's not going to talk to me and ignore me and make it clear that she's mad at me, SHE shouldn't get a lousy night sleep over it. She can give me the stony silent treatment from the firm comfort of our nice king size mattress. Sleeping on the couch isn't offending or hurting me, it's just giving her a crick in the neck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my wife gets angry with me she insists she's going to sleep on the couch. I usually go down at some point and talk her into sleeping in our bed.

I don't know if she imagines it's punishing me somehow to sleep on the couch, but from my perspective it's just giving her a bad's night sleep because of something, allegedly, I have done.

I'm happy to agree to a non-speaking truce and stick to my own side of the bed so that she can give me the silent treatment AND also get a good night's sleep.

The last couple of times I've made the offer but haven't wholeheartedly lobbied her to follow through. I have no idea what she thinks is being accomplished by sleeping on the couch, but I guess if she feels its making some point she can do it...

She’s on the couch thinking about whether or not she can live like this or if she should file for divorce.

Lousy place to do some heavy thinking like that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my wife gets angry with me she insists she's going to sleep on the couch. I usually go down at some point and talk her into sleeping in our bed.

I don't know if she imagines it's punishing me somehow to sleep on the couch, but from my perspective it's just giving her a bad's night sleep because of something, allegedly, I have done.

I'm happy to agree to a non-speaking truce and stick to my own side of the bed so that she can give me the silent treatment AND also get a good night's sleep.

The last couple of times I've made the offer but haven't wholeheartedly lobbied her to follow through. I have no idea what she thinks is being accomplished by sleeping on the couch, but I guess if she feels its making some point she can do it...

This is so odd. Of course the person who did something wrong is happy to have a truce and never talk about it again.

Instead of living in some kind of stalemate, just own up to whatever you did to hurt your partner, apologize, and try not to do it again. Not every argument has to be this long drawn out thing that takes days to resolve.

What's odd? Who says I didn't apologize?

You've added that detail yourself.

My point is that if she's not going to talk to me and ignore me and make it clear that she's mad at me, SHE shouldn't get a lousy night sleep over it. She can give me the stony silent treatment from the firm comfort of our nice king size mattress. Sleeping on the couch isn't offending or hurting me, it's just giving her a crick in the neck.

Well, if you are saying that you did something “allegedly,” then you aren’t apologizing very well, and she has no reason to believe that you won’t continue hurting her in this way.

And this post still seems so defensive and angry. You are angry with her, hoping that she gets a crick in the neck, because, what, she dared to be mad at you when you hurt her?

It sounds like there is no way that she can possibly get you to change your behavior. She can’t live this way where she is consistently hurt by you, for long. Eventually, she will either divorce you, or she will make her marriage a very small part of her life and effectively live as roommates.

You, your wife, and your kids are losing out on having a loving home and marriage because you can’t say that you are sorry for being late for dinner or whatever she’s upset about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my wife gets angry with me she insists she's going to sleep on the couch. I usually go down at some point and talk her into sleeping in our bed.

I don't know if she imagines it's punishing me somehow to sleep on the couch, but from my perspective it's just giving her a bad's night sleep because of something, allegedly, I have done.

I'm happy to agree to a non-speaking truce and stick to my own side of the bed so that she can give me the silent treatment AND also get a good night's sleep.

The last couple of times I've made the offer but haven't wholeheartedly lobbied her to follow through. I have no idea what she thinks is being accomplished by sleeping on the couch, but I guess if she feels its making some point she can do it...

She’s on the couch thinking about whether or not she can live like this or if she should file for divorce.

Lousy place to do some heavy thinking like that!

It’s better than being two feet away from the person you are thinking about leaving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my wife gets angry with me she insists she's going to sleep on the couch. I usually go down at some point and talk her into sleeping in our bed.

I don't know if she imagines it's punishing me somehow to sleep on the couch, but from my perspective it's just giving her a bad's night sleep because of something, allegedly, I have done.

I'm happy to agree to a non-speaking truce and stick to my own side of the bed so that she can give me the silent treatment AND also get a good night's sleep.

The last couple of times I've made the offer but haven't wholeheartedly lobbied her to follow through. I have no idea what she thinks is being accomplished by sleeping on the couch, but I guess if she feels its making some point she can do it...

This is so odd. Of course the person who did something wrong is happy to have a truce and never talk about it again.

Instead of living in some kind of stalemate, just own up to whatever you did to hurt your partner, apologize, and try not to do it again. Not every argument has to be this long drawn out thing that takes days to resolve.

What's odd? Who says I didn't apologize?

You've added that detail yourself.

My point is that if she's not going to talk to me and ignore me and make it clear that she's mad at me, SHE shouldn't get a lousy night sleep over it. She can give me the stony silent treatment from the firm comfort of our nice king size mattress. Sleeping on the couch isn't offending or hurting me, it's just giving her a crick in the neck.

Well, if you are saying that you did something “allegedly,” then you aren’t apologizing very well, and she has no reason to believe that you won’t continue hurting her in this way.

And this post still seems so defensive and angry. You are angry with her, hoping that she gets a crick in the neck, because, what, she dared to be mad at you when you hurt her?

It sounds like there is no way that she can possibly get you to change your behavior. She can’t live this way where she is consistently hurt by you, for long. Eventually, she will either divorce you, or she will make her marriage a very small part of her life and effectively live as roommates.

You, your wife, and your kids are losing out on having a loving home and marriage because you can’t say that you are sorry for being late for dinner or whatever she’s upset about.

No, I said I DON'T want her to have a crick in her neck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my wife gets angry with me she insists she's going to sleep on the couch. I usually go down at some point and talk her into sleeping in our bed.

I don't know if she imagines it's punishing me somehow to sleep on the couch, but from my perspective it's just giving her a bad's night sleep because of something, allegedly, I have done.

I'm happy to agree to a non-speaking truce and stick to my own side of the bed so that she can give me the silent treatment AND also get a good night's sleep.

The last couple of times I've made the offer but haven't wholeheartedly lobbied her to follow through. I have no idea what she thinks is being accomplished by sleeping on the couch, but I guess if she feels its making some point she can do it...

She’s on the couch thinking about whether or not she can live like this or if she should file for divorce.

Lousy place to do some heavy thinking like that!

It’s better than being two feet away from the person you are thinking about leaving.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been married 35 years and neither of us has ever slept on the couch because we were upset. Snoring is a different story! We simply don’t go to bed until we at least semi resolve the conflict. We may not kiss and make up but it’s not like boxers sent to their corners waiting for the next round.

Same. We don't go to bed angry. However, my husband (and one of our daughters) is a person who needs space after an argument, so we will go our separate ways and then discuss later. Harder to do if an argument happens at night but we're usually able to resolve things quickly. I don't get the whole silent treatment thing, and I think that's childish, and while I can kind of see going to the couch as a different thing, to me it's sort of similar. Why can't you address the issue before going to sleep? And if it's not something that can be resolved, how do you live like that?

DP. I sleep on the couch sometimes. A lot of times DH shuts down during an argument or he will pretend that the thing that I’m upset about didn’t happen.
We have kids and jobs and sometimes we just need to go to sleep and move on with our lives before we have time to resolve the problem. At the same time, I’m not really willing to pretend that it never happened or that there is no problem.

I guess I'm trying to decide what kind of problems you have that can't be resolved before moving on to something else but that you would actively be upset about. I mean, if my husband cheated on me, I wouldn't share a bed with him, but also we probably wouldn't stay married so I'm trying to think of an issue that can't be resolved before going to bed but that is small enough to not destroy your marriage. Like are there problems with a 72-hour stewing period? I just find it odd I guess, but clearly I'm in the minority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been married 35 years and neither of us has ever slept on the couch because we were upset. Snoring is a different story! We simply don’t go to bed until we at least semi resolve the conflict. We may not kiss and make up but it’s not like boxers sent to their corners waiting for the next round.

Same. We don't go to bed angry. However, my husband (and one of our daughters) is a person who needs space after an argument, so we will go our separate ways and then discuss later. Harder to do if an argument happens at night but we're usually able to resolve things quickly. I don't get the whole silent treatment thing, and I think that's childish, and while I can kind of see going to the couch as a different thing, to me it's sort of similar. Why can't you address the issue before going to sleep? And if it's not something that can be resolved, how do you live like that?

DP. I sleep on the couch sometimes. A lot of times DH shuts down during an argument or he will pretend that the thing that I’m upset about didn’t happen.
We have kids and jobs and sometimes we just need to go to sleep and move on with our lives before we have time to resolve the problem. At the same time, I’m not really willing to pretend that it never happened or that there is no problem.

I guess I'm trying to decide what kind of problems you have that can't be resolved before moving on to something else but that you would actively be upset about. I mean, if my husband cheated on me, I wouldn't share a bed with him, but also we probably wouldn't stay married so I'm trying to think of an issue that can't be resolved before going to bed but that is small enough to not destroy your marriage. Like are there problems with a 72-hour stewing period? I just find it odd I guess, but clearly I'm in the minority.

I don’t know. It’s not like it’s some healthy conversation. We get locked in a toxic pattern and need to go to sleep.
Like last time we got home from vacation, I didn’t put in a grocery order. I usually do, but I forgot. So while I was making eggs and toast, and he was he was cutting up apples. He was grumbling around the kitchen, super short with me, pointedly not looking at me or touching me. After we got the kids to bed, I told him that I didn’t think it was fair for him to be angry with me. He insisted that he wasn’t. We got into this stupid thing where I started talking about specific behaviors of his, and he started saying that it didn’t happen and I was crazy. That just escalated things. I slept on the couch.
I don’t think this is anything big enough to divorce over. But I also don’t want to just say that I’m crazy or that it’s totally reasonable for him to act like a jerk because we didn’t have a house full of food when we got back from a vacation.

What I would like to do is have a conversation where we talk about whether there were other things that upset him about the vacation and if we need to change things for next time. What he wants to do is have me forget that it ever happened and chalk it up to myself being crazy or men being men.

We can usually get to happy medium, but it takes a couple of days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my wife gets angry with me she insists she's going to sleep on the couch. I usually go down at some point and talk her into sleeping in our bed.

I don't know if she imagines it's punishing me somehow to sleep on the couch, but from my perspective it's just giving her a bad's night sleep because of something, allegedly, I have done.

I'm happy to agree to a non-speaking truce and stick to my own side of the bed so that she can give me the silent treatment AND also get a good night's sleep.

The last couple of times I've made the offer but haven't wholeheartedly lobbied her to follow through. I have no idea what she thinks is being accomplished by sleeping on the couch, but I guess if she feels its making some point she can do it...

She’s on the couch thinking about whether or not she can live like this or if she should file for divorce.

Lousy place to do some heavy thinking like that!

It’s better than being two feet away from the person you are thinking about leaving.

Why?

It’s easier to relax, which makes it easier to think and to fall sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my wife gets angry with me she insists she's going to sleep on the couch. I usually go down at some point and talk her into sleeping in our bed.

I don't know if she imagines it's punishing me somehow to sleep on the couch, but from my perspective it's just giving her a bad's night sleep because of something, allegedly, I have done.

I'm happy to agree to a non-speaking truce and stick to my own side of the bed so that she can give me the silent treatment AND also get a good night's sleep.

The last couple of times I've made the offer but haven't wholeheartedly lobbied her to follow through. I have no idea what she thinks is being accomplished by sleeping on the couch, but I guess if she feels its making some point she can do it...

She’s on the couch thinking about whether or not she can live like this or if she should file for divorce.

Lousy place to do some heavy thinking like that!

It’s better than being two feet away from the person you are thinking about leaving.

Why?

It’s easier to relax, which makes it easier to think and to fall sleep.

Do you sleep on your couch or in your bed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my wife gets angry with me she insists she's going to sleep on the couch. I usually go down at some point and talk her into sleeping in our bed.

I don't know if she imagines it's punishing me somehow to sleep on the couch, but from my perspective it's just giving her a bad's night sleep because of something, allegedly, I have done.

I'm happy to agree to a non-speaking truce and stick to my own side of the bed so that she can give me the silent treatment AND also get a good night's sleep.

The last couple of times I've made the offer but haven't wholeheartedly lobbied her to follow through. I have no idea what she thinks is being accomplished by sleeping on the couch, but I guess if she feels its making some point she can do it...

She’s on the couch thinking about whether or not she can live like this or if she should file for divorce.

Lousy place to do some heavy thinking like that!

It’s better than being two feet away from the person you are thinking about leaving.

Why?

It’s easier to relax, which makes it easier to think and to fall sleep.

Do you sleep on your couch or in your bed?

The couch.
I will say that we have a big sectional and it’s pretty comfortable. It’s not like I’m sleeping on a loveseat with my feet hanging over the edge.

[Anonymous]

I'd so love for my spouse to sleep on the couch after he's been a total jerk. But no, here he is, in the bed.