Estrangement Doesn't Just Happen to "Bad" Moms—It Happened to Me Too

[Anonymous]

I dunno. The pro-estrangement people don't sound so stable in this thread. Copying comments from Reddit? Reading a backstory that isn't there?

I believe the author isn't as innocent as she sounds, but DIL and son don't sound any better, and the posters here sound off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, the narc mom never knows why or what she is apologizing for. This is just like my mom. You need experience with narcs to recognize it. Then you can never unsee it.

Yes. I have a narc mom. I can spot a narc a mile away.

Often, the women with 5 children or more are narcs (not all the time though). Remember, they love to have the little ones around them, because that is when they are idolized and loved unconditionally. Small children feed the narcissistic supply perfectly.

Moms of several kids (3-5 or more) are NOT like this. They don't have time for that kind of nonsense.

It is moms of small families (1 son, maybe a daughter or 2 at most or possibly just one kid) who get into these kids of toxic behaviors.

Dysfunction and personality disorders can exist in any size family. My grandma had 5 kids, my mom had 2. Both are batshit crazy. It isn’t size dependent.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dunno. The pro-estrangement people don't sound so stable in this thread. Copying comments from Reddit? Reading a backstory that isn't there?

I believe the author isn't as innocent as she sounds, but DIL and son don't sound any better, and the posters here sound off.

That appears to have been just one poster.

I am pro-estrangement, and I am more stable than I have ever been after heavily distancing myself from my mother.

What stands out from that article for me is the gaslighting techniques the author uses to create ambiguity, shirk responsibility, and imply a story favorable to herself.

At one point she says something like "what else could I do but call the relatives and tell them the story" and went on to say that they were so kind with supportive comments about how the son's wife probably just wants him all to herself. Lol. That is not a supportive or kind comment, that the divisive side-taking she craved above the well-being of the people she purports to love.

[Anonymous]

Unless you have a narcissist parent you cannot relate to this and therefore shouldn’t pass judgement in either direction. Estrangement is very necessary in some cases, especially mine

[Anonymous]

I was willing to give the mom the benefit of the doubt, but the whole - he called to confirm we wouldn't be coming to the wedding was really weird.

The reddit post cleared it up. He was calling to make sure they really wanted to stick with their decision not to attend their son's wedding. He was reaching out to them.

Tells me all I need to know.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure no one is innocent in this scenario. However, this mom's article is full of red flags.

The fact that she just skirts around the fact that they weren't actually disinvited - "he called to confirm we wouldn't be coming" - sounds like she is the one who said they wouldn't attend, and he just said "ok". Then she waited for him to beg her to reconsider and he wouldn't.

It's also BS that it's "normal" to ask your adult son - who is 24, not 18 - if he's sure he wants to get married right before the wedding, while also claiming to have a wonderful relationship with your DIL... nice try, lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure no one is innocent in this scenario. However, this mom's article is full of red flags.

The fact that she just skirts around the fact that they weren't actually disinvited - "he called to confirm we wouldn't be coming" - sounds like she is the one who said they wouldn't attend, and he just said "ok". Then she waited for him to beg her to reconsider and he wouldn't.

It's also BS that it's "normal" to ask your adult son - who is 24, not 18 - if he's sure he wants to get married right before the wedding, while also claiming to have a wonderful relationship with your DIL... nice try, lady.

PS I am not pro estrangement and I wouldn't have cut off my parents or in laws for something like this, so I can't say I agree with her son - but this lady is far from the innocent martyr she claims to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Read this


https://www.reddit.com/r/narcsinthewild/comments/7c580l/estranged_parent_writes_predictably_vague_article/#thing_t1_dpnt2v3

+1

Thank you. I believe that the DIL really chimed in (see above). I believe that there is a LOT missing from the MIL's perspective. I believe that the MIL is narcissistic and misleading. I a believe this MIL is batch*t crazy. I also believe that anyone who buys that book is as narcissistic, if not moreso, than the MIL.

[Anonymous]

There is usually a lot missing from this kind story. These kind of people can often fool those who don't live with them. I knew that my MIL was estranged from her own mother, and that my DH had never met his grandmother. After MIL died, I cleaned out her house, and found lots of manipulative letters from the grandmother, the grandmother's friends, some distant relatives, and lawyers trying to convince MIL to reconcile and let the grandmother meet DH, the only grandchild. I also found letters, and psychiatric reports indicating that the Grandmother had been kicked out of her own home as a teen by her older brother because she was physically and verbally abusive to her own family of origin, reports from a psychologist in the 1950's indicating that the grandmother had been verbally and physically abusive to teen MIL in the presence of the psychologist, and letters indicating that MIL's father stuck around and literally left his wife, taking teen MIL the day she turned 18 in order to protect her, and prevent her mother from having full or partial custody without his presence. MIL often spoke lovingly of her father, who had unfortunately, died when she was in her mid 20's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who asks their son two weeks before the wedding if he is sure?!! Or purchases Disneyland Park tickets for her son and his gf after he tells her he is planning to propose? Yuck.

Parents who know it might not be right.

My father asked me two months before the wedding. He also asked me again right before walking me down the aisle--the wedding photographer caught me giving him a WTF look. He was right, we were divorced 3 yrs later when he left me with a 3 month old who he later gave up for adoption, because he's a complete douchebag. My father was right, and he *knew*.

[Anonymous]

Parenting is so hard. You young mothers think you will be exempt from the harsh judgements of your children. You will not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who asks their son two weeks before the wedding if he is sure?!! Or purchases Disneyland Park tickets for her son and his gf after he tells her he is planning to propose? Yuck.

Parents who know it might not be right.

My father asked me two months before the wedding. He also asked me again right before walking me down the aisle--the wedding photographer caught me giving him a WTF look. He was right, we were divorced 3 yrs later when he left me with a 3 month old who he later gave up for adoption, because he's a complete douchebag. My father was right, and he *knew*.

Same here. My dad asked me the morning of the wedding. My spouse left me with an infant. Dad was right. I would never, ever consider cutting off my parents. Estrangement is not a acceptable except in cases of criminal and major physical abuse.

Yes, I judge you if you are estranged from your parents over accusations that they are narcissistic or toxic. It's more likely that you are the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who asks their son two weeks before the wedding if he is sure?!! Or purchases Disneyland Park tickets for her son and his gf after he tells her he is planning to propose? Yuck.

Parents who know it might not be right.

My father asked me two months before the wedding. He also asked me again right before walking me down the aisle--the wedding photographer caught me giving him a WTF look. He was right, we were divorced 3 yrs later when he left me with a 3 month old who he later gave up for adoption, because he's a complete douchebag. My father was right, and he *knew*.

That is one reason a parent might ask that question. There are many other self-serving reasons a parent might ask this question. Such as not wanting to give up her special status and control over her adult son who used to faun over here and provide assistance whenever asked, like the woman in the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who asks their son two weeks before the wedding if he is sure?!! Or purchases Disneyland Park tickets for her son and his gf after he tells her he is planning to propose? Yuck.

Parents who know it might not be right.

My father asked me two months before the wedding. He also asked me again right before walking me down the aisle--the wedding photographer caught me giving him a WTF look. He was right, we were divorced 3 yrs later when he left me with a 3 month old who he later gave up for adoption, because he's a complete douchebag. My father was right, and he *knew*.

Same here. My dad asked me the morning of the wedding. My spouse left me with an infant. Dad was right. I would never, ever consider cutting off my parents. Estrangement is not a acceptable except in cases of criminal and major physical abuse.

Yes, I judge you if you are estranged from your parents over accusations that they are narcissistic or toxic. It's more likely that you are the problem.

No one who has stopped speaking to toxic parents and now lives in peace and happiness cares what you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who asks their son two weeks before the wedding if he is sure?!! Or purchases Disneyland Park tickets for her son and his gf after he tells her he is planning to propose? Yuck.

Parents who know it might not be right.

My father asked me two months before the wedding. He also asked me again right before walking me down the aisle--the wedding photographer caught me giving him a WTF look. He was right, we were divorced 3 yrs later when he left me with a 3 month old who he later gave up for adoption, because he's a complete douchebag. My father was right, and he *knew*.

Same here. My dad asked me the morning of the wedding. My spouse left me with an infant. Dad was right. I would never, ever consider cutting off my parents. Estrangement is not a acceptable except in cases of criminal and major physical abuse.

Yes, I judge you if you are estranged from your parents over accusations that they are narcissistic or toxic. It's more likely that you are the problem.

you clearly never experienced years of emotiinal abuse. good for you. your judgement is completely inconsequential to others. nobody cuts off a family member light heartedly or without a reason. Their reason doesnt have to make sense to you.