Different upbringings = major marriage stress!

[Anonymous]

Troll. I grew up poor and I appreciate fancy things like furniture and staying in a nice part of town.

[Anonymous]

My dh is like this but he grew up in one of the poorest third world countries. In his country carpenters come to make the furniture with wood the family provides. I think it’s a money exchange thing for my husband. He’s thinking about what we could do with the money instead of buying furniture. I pay for all the furniture myself and I am a sahm. It sucks but I love my furniture. Living in a well decorated house is very important to me and I grew up lower middle class. Op buy the furniture yourself from wayfair and use modsy to decorate your house.

[Anonymous]

My husband was like this, OP. We lived in a blue collar type neighborhood with used furniture. Frankly, it was very difficult to make friends.
1). Everyone knew we made a lot more money than they did based on our professions, and that made people a little uncomfortable.
2). People really judged us because my husband didn’t show up for stuff, and I went to school festivals and invited people over without him being there, and I know people gossiped about it. For all the talk of dad working three jobs and being gone 130 hours/wk, my experience is that many dads work 36-40 hours/wk with mom working 15 hours/wk.
3). When we invited people over from work, it almost seemed disrespectful. There were not places for people to sit, and it wasn’t what people were used to. I am sure that those people gossiped about this as well.

And if we had some huge life philosophy, like we were minimalists, or we were trying to retire early, or we just wanted to be free of material and financial obligations to do what we wanted, it would have been fine. But we weren’t like that. We both have jobs we love, like working, don’t really plan to retire, and are very well compensated. We just had hundreds of thousands of dollars sitting in a savings account.

After we had been married about ten years, I finally convinced him to buy a nicer house in a nicer neighborhood with a good school system and decent furniture. He freaking loves it. We had custom bookshelves put in, so he has his own little library with a big leather chair. He does puzzles with the kids on the dining room table, so we don’t have to move them when we eat. I have all of his friends wives over for coffee once a month, and he and his friends all talk about it at work. He can invite friends from high school to come stay in our guest bedroom. We have tons of friends from our kids new schools because many of them work with us or have similar jobs, so it’s easy. He even asked me the other day about joining a country club.

My advice, OP, is to wait it out. There is a reason people buy these things, and it isn’t always about keeping up with the Jones’s.

[Anonymous]

OP, cigars and whisky are very popular among the upper classes. And the UMC men too. I can't stand either but it's ignorant to think those two as a telltale sign of lower classes. When I started reading your post my first impression was that your DH was the good old boy from a well off Southern family and you were going to be the poorer one. Imagine my surprise when it was the other way around!

[Anonymous]

Do you not make your own money that you can use to buy what you want? I’m confused by the level of control you are giving him over a simple difference in priorities.

[Anonymous]

Sigh, another my DH or DW isn't in the same (upper) class as me thread. Yawn!

[Anonymous]

I’m basically your DH, except my parents weren’t even successful LMC

He probably worries about falling into poverty, so is obsessive saver. What is your HHI and net worth? Walk him through the long term financial plan will help allay his anxiety.

You say formal dining room set. Do you mean a matched table and chairs with nice style, maybe from Ikea or Pottery Barn? Or something more formal?

[Anonymous]

He just sounds cheap and racist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He just sounds cheap and racist.

I knew it was just a matter of time before someone shouted racist..... but that’s DCUM for you.

Now let’s get back on topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe people are calling OP a snob because she wants furniture that doesn’t already have someone else’s body fluids on it or doesn’t want to live in the suburbs. Get a grip folks. You’re being ridiculously harsh.

OP. Ease him into a lifestyle you BOTH will appreciate...by taking about what you both value. But new...but cost effective and point out longevity and building a home together. Buy a mix of CL items and spring for the quality item that means the most for you. Doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Talk now to avoid harboring resentment. You could also think about why certain things matter to you for a self check.

+1

What is wrong with wanting decent furniture or to live in a neighborhood that you like and that has a better commute? When my DH and I were in law school he literally lived in a converted shed. His parents had money and would have paid for him to live in a nicer place but he wanted to pay for everything on his own. When we moved in together there was no question of continuing to live in shed-like places and location was a high priority for me. When we bought our first home he totally understood when I wanted nicer furniture (which in the beginning came from thrift stores, Craigslist and IKEA). Having a home you feel comfortable in is important and it’s not an unreasonable desire on OP’s part.

I agree but also bristled a bit about the formal dining set. Something about the phrasing seems bit over the top and princess-y as it seems like the cliche of what one doesn't need if you aren't 82 years old.
But again i agree