Different upbringings = major marriage stress!

[Anonymous]

I don't know where else to put this.

DH and I have been married for 5 years. During this time it has slowly dawned on me how differently we see the world, how different our preferences and lifestyles are and that it doesn't have to do with him just being a guy!

When we met in our early-mid twenties he at first appeared like everyone else in our network of upper middle class - middle class yuppies. He went to prestigious schools did the fancy internships, did the foreign travel and all. I noticed he had a major affinity for the deep south and whisky and cigars but I thought it was charming, different and cute.

Overtime I have realized that this affinity is slightly deeper rooted. I have learned that his family is infact lower middle/working class and that his father never went to college. He learned a trade and did well and his parents worked hard to send him to the best schools. He did great academically but he never felt truly at home with the "rich kids" as he calls my friends.

This is one thing but its also a lifestyle thing. I guess he did not grow up in a very well to do home so...he doesn't realize how some things are a big deal to me. For example our living space. He has NO idea that some people would prefer to pay a little more to stay in a nice part of town or next to where all the fun night life is. In his twenties he lived in the middle of Fairfax! Once I moved in, it was a struggle to get him to live anywhere near the city even though he had a long commute for work there!

Never mind the fact that he has no idea how a home works. He thinks buying furniture is a waste and expensive. I have spent 2 years living among boxes in an empty apartment because he couldn't bring himself to let us buy anything that cost more than $100 a piece from Craigslist. I had to fight tooth and nail and do major bargain hunting to get us a rug and a coffee table after 3 years of living without either!

The other night I was musing about furniture we will need in the future when we buy a home. He seriously was confused at why we would need to buy more stuff. I said, "well we need a formal dining room set." He looks at me blankly and points to our beat up and very cheap table that he got us from a yard sale that we use in our breakfast nook. We can just use this. It is nice.

I didn't even know what to say!

See obviously I married him because he truly is a great salt of the earth, steady, loyal, faithful guy who is grounded and has a deep love of those around him. But our lifestyle differences and his lack of understanding of basic.life.stuff is SO frustrating! ahhh!!!

[Anonymous]

You sound status-obsessed and materialistic AF.

[Anonymous]

his lack of understanding of basic.life.stuff

Oh, I think he understands it. He just doesn't agree with your interpretation of what "basic life stuff" is.

He sounds like a financially prudent man who doesn't want to waste money on unnecessary bullshit like "a formal dining room set".

[Anonymous]

His reluctance to buy things, etc. may stem from his upbringing or it might not. I wouldn't assume.

You might benefit from counseling. It doesn't sound like his mind is easily changed. Living amid boxes for two years is a little nutty.

[Anonymous]

He lived in Fairfax? Quelle horreur!!

[Anonymous]

So basically:

You want to live in an expensive/trendy part of town.
You want to buy expensive furniture that may or may not be necessary for your lifestyle.
He is not materialistic and you are.

Did you not discuss any of these things before getting married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So basically:

You want to live in an expensive/trendy part of town.
You want to buy expensive furniture that may or may not be necessary for your lifestyle.
He is not materialistic and you are.

Did you not discuss any of these things before getting married?

Yeah, and how did you not know basic things, like what his father did for a living, before you got married? You found out after you married that his family was in fact LMC? The horror!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He lived in Fairfax? Quelle horreur!!

This part, plus the all-too-generalistic bourbon and cigars lead me to believe that OP is a creative troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He lived in Fairfax? Quelle horreur!!

This part, plus the all-too-generalistic bourbon and cigars lead me to believe that OP is a creative troll.

Agree that OP is not especially believable. Unless she didn’t know the guy at all before marrying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound status-obsessed and materialistic AF.

Agree. End thread.

[Anonymous]

Tell us who this guy is! I have some single friends who would love to meet him because he sounds wonderful.

[Anonymous]

I’m assuming you meant the collective YOU will need a formal dining room set.

Seems he brought one into the relationship at all. Where’s your offering? If boxes and cheap rent arent t your thing, what are you doing about it?

[Anonymous]

This sounds really familiar.

Anyways, wouldn't these things naturally come up when you're dating? If you choose to marry despite obvious incompatibilities, then this is on you.

[Anonymous]

I grew up wealthy and spoiled. Both my parents have multiple advanced degrees.

DH grew up middle class. His mom has an associates and has been an assistant for most of her career. DHS dad once worked 3 jobs to support them.

You sound materialistic and ridiculous. Dh and I definitely have different views on things (we are upper middle class) but have no problems surrounding money. DH has grounded me and I have helped him see it's not frivolous to spend money on certain things.

And I don't judge his family. You sound like a snob

[Anonymous]

You don't NEED a formal dining table. If you want to replace what you have that's fine, but it doesn't need to be formal or expensive.