One year after I ended my affair and I’d appreciate hearing from those who BTDT

[Anonymous]

If it's a year past and you're still not over it/him, then you are CHOOSING not to be over it or him. You said you couldn't keep up the double life...but you are still doing it. The amount of mental energy you are spending on your affair is energy that you are not using to move forward or spend on your family. Did you fully examine why you made the choice you did? Because "my marriage wasn't great" or "he made me feel good" doesn't cut it. You made the choice to disrespect your husband, your family, your marriage...even yourself. Why would you make that choice?

And I say all this as a fWW. Please get some therapy.

[Anonymous]

Cogiteur wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a married woman in my mid 30s and had an 8 week affair that I ended a year ago today. I ended it because I felt guilty about what I was doing to my husband, my kids and my responsibilities and basically recognized I couldn’t keep up the double life. We only saw each other five times during that period as we live in different places.

When is it normal to be past this? I am not past it. I think of him every day, multiple times a day. So many things make me think of him. I replay everything in my head, I wonder what he’s doing, and waste a lot of energy feeling relatively despondent about it all. It was the happiest I have been in years and years and now it’s all gone and I’m never going to get it back. Sometimes that just feels too heavy to handle. I wish i never knew what it felt like.

I’m not sure that I actually miss him, more that I miss the excitement and the connection with someone. It’s definitely much more about the emotional than the physical. My marriage sucks, counseling hasn’t worked, and it’s been in a bad place for a very, very long time. I don’t feel that I can leave because of the negative impact it would have to my small children.

I didn’t mean to use this to vent. Really I just want to know when I will forget this ever happened and move on with my life. It’s torture.

It does get easier, OP, but it's been five years for me, and I still think about her every day. It's like mourning, really, but you never quite fully come to terms with the loss, because that person is still out there, somewhere. The hardest thing was finding what's missing in my life, feeling it so intensely, and then having it suddenly be gone. I wish I had advice for you, but really all you can do is ride out the pain. It will fade. But the memory won't.

I agree with 12:34 - you'll find very little sympathy here, and Reddit is a better bet. Not having anyone to talk to about it (other than someone who charges $225/hr) makes it all the more difficult to move on. Good luck.

What was missing was not real. The whole relationship was fake. Even who you thought your AP was. All of it existed in a bubble. What was missing from your life was passion and excitement, not your AP. Find a way to cultivate that without betraying your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP-Don't beat yourself up about this. There is an excellent chance your marriage is awful, and has been for years, because your husband is an ass. I have a very dear friend in a very similar situation. I hate it for her because she's beautiful, accomplished, and fun, and her husband is awful and doesn't appreciate her at all. They have young children and she'd be way worse off if they divorced because he'd be a nightmare to co-parent with and that would be awful for her kids. You needed a break from reality and you got it with the AP. It's totally normal to miss the "what if" more than the actual person. Give yourself a break and if needed find another AP to fill in the loneliness until you can get out of your marriage one day. Good luck OP!

Hi, cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP-Don't beat yourself up about this. There is an excellent chance your marriage is awful, and has been for years, because your husband is an ass. I have a very dear friend in a very similar situation. I hate it for her because she's beautiful, accomplished, and fun, and her husband is awful and doesn't appreciate her at all. They have young children and she'd be way worse off if they divorced because he'd be a nightmare to co-parent with and that would be awful for her kids. You needed a break from reality and you got it with the AP. It's totally normal to miss the "what if" more than the actual person. Give yourself a break and if needed find another AP to fill in the loneliness until you can get out of your marriage one day. Good luck OP!

Where did OP say her husband is an ass? I would venture to guess that most people would agree that OP is the ass for having an affair rather than divorcing her spouse. Don't project your friend's situation on OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP-Don't beat yourself up about this. There is an excellent chance your marriage is awful, and has been for years, because your husband is an ass. I have a very dear friend in a very similar situation. I hate it for her because she's beautiful, accomplished, and fun, and her husband is awful and doesn't appreciate her at all. They have young children and she'd be way worse off if they divorced because he'd be a nightmare to co-parent with and that would be awful for her kids. You needed a break from reality and you got it with the AP. It's totally normal to miss the "what if" more than the actual person. Give yourself a break and if needed find another AP to fill in the loneliness until you can get out of your marriage one day. Good luck OP!

You remind me of someone I know that is critical of the spouse and children of her “friends”. She has tried to convince more than one “friend” to leave their spouse. The reality is that she is the one in a miserable marriage, and is trying to bring her “friends” to her level. Not surprisingly, the critical comments she makes about others more accurately describe her husband and kids. Misery loves company.

[Anonymous]

I hope guys read threads like these because they are a constant, daily reminder to never grow comfortable in your relationship or marriage. You've got to keep the excitement going always, never get fat, never get boring. In today's world, the women don't need you. They have their own careers and their own money. You can't get comfortable and think that marriage means are you set up and good for the rest of your life without effort. Humans are not monogamous so you are constantly fighting with biology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a married woman in my mid 30s and had an 8 week affair that I ended a year ago today. I ended it because I felt guilty about what I was doing to my husband, my kids and my responsibilities and basically recognized I couldn’t keep up the double life. We only saw each other five times during that period as we live in different places.

When is it normal to be past this? I am not past it. I think of him every day, multiple times a day. So many things make me think of him. I replay everything in my head, I wonder what he’s doing, and waste a lot of energy feeling relatively despondent about it all. It was the happiest I have been in years and years and now it’s all gone and I’m never going to get it back. Sometimes that just feels too heavy to handle. I wish i never knew what it felt like.

I’m not sure that I actually miss him, more that I miss the excitement and the connection with someone. It’s definitely much more about the emotional than the physical. My marriage sucks, counseling hasn’t worked, and it’s been in a bad place for a very, very long time. I don’t feel that I can leave because of the negative impact it would have to my small children.

I didn’t mean to use this to vent. Really I just want to know when I will forget this ever happened and move on with my life. It’s torture.

You were smoking bone outside the home
You didn't mean to, but you had to moan
You weren't with hubby, but you weren't alone
You found a new ice cream cone

Your lovemaking skills you did hone
You gave the man a low-interest loan
You took a picture on the phone
You were smoking bone outside the home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you’re feeling is not normal. You’re diverting your marriage issues to this fantasy you briefly lived. You need to get divorced, work on yourself and only then will you be able to be a good partner to anyone.

Agree. Sorry, OP, but you are just basically a bad person. I don't think you can develop Character at your age, but you can try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a really crappy person for cheating.

I can't figure this out. Are there a lot of scumbags on this forum or DC area in general? I don't see this amount of cheaters and liars on other forums. Puzzled me from day one.

Me too. I think that cheaters like to come here and try to find kindred souls to support them anonymously.

In real life, I think that most people are better than this. Better than OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you confirm that your marriage with DH has been sexless for a long time now ? And you are the rejecting party?