One year after I ended my affair and I’d appreciate hearing from those who BTDT

Anonymous
Op, I have an AP since last June, we see each other maybe for a few days every month, like you we live at different locations and meet during work meetings. I constantly think how I would feel if I stopped it. I can't stop it. My husband is a good dad but he is not good in bed and he is very rigid. The AP is so different. If AP would say, he is moving here I would divorce right away. But he is divorced with a terrible experience and I am not sure at this point whether he is in for a committed relationship. Anyways, I feel just lucky that I found a way to my intermittent happiness. Spending the rest of my life with dh, I know that we will end it at some point but now the kids are small and it would be very difficult on everyone to break up the whole setup.
So, why not re-initiate your AP?
Anonymous
Divorce
Anonymous
Therapy to learn how to be happy in your marriage or divorce.
Anonymous
I had the same experience. After an 8 month affair we broke it off. That next year was the hardest of my life. And we slowley worked our way back together again after he reached out to me. And then I to him.

You and I both need therapy.
Anonymous
Also- kudos for doing the right thing and breaking it off, as hard as it was and still is. Ignore the judgy PPs- you're human like the rest of us.
Anonymous
You should divorce, as your husband and children deserve better. You have been directing your time and energy away from them for too long now. Just don’t be upset when your husband finds someone else and your kids have another mother figure in their lives. It was your choice to cheat and break down your family.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Op, I have an AP since last June, we see each other maybe for a few days every month, like you we live at different locations and meet during work meetings. I constantly think how I would feel if I stopped it. I can't stop it. My husband is a good dad but he is not good in bed and he is very rigid. The AP is so different. If AP would say, he is moving here I would divorce right away. But he is divorced with a terrible experience and I am not sure at this point whether he is in for a committed relationship. Anyways, I feel just lucky that I found a way to my intermittent happiness. Spending the rest of my life with dh, I know that we will end it at some point but now the kids are small and it would be very difficult on everyone to break up the whole setup.
So, why not re-initiate your AP?


I sincerely hope your DH and kids find out. What a horrible selfish outlook
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:You should divorce, as your husband and children deserve better. You have been directing your time and energy away from them for too long now. Just don’t be upset when your husband finds someone else and your kids have another mother figure in their lives. It was your choice to cheat and break down your family.


This. How would you feel if your kids were around a different mom half the time? Or when your kids hate you for blowing up their home life. Get your head out of your ass and get help
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:You are a really crappy person for cheating.
Anonymous
You saw each other 5 times in 8 weeks. How the heck did you get so attached that it was "the happiest" you've ever been?

Get a grip and focus on your family.
Anonymous
You need to find something that makes you happy, and do it. Not an affair. Find a new hobby, a passion, something to be excited about. If you're making the choice to stay in your marriage, than it's on you to make your own happiness.
Anonymous
OP, is this someone you would have actually dated if you were both single? It’s harder to get over if you genuinely liked or loved the person. If he’s not then consider it a short-lived fantasy. Can you be friends? Can you have him in your life that way? I know some people have affairs with people they only connect with on a superficial lust level.

Still, it doesn’t sound like you spent enough time with this guy to really figure out your true feelings.
Anonymous
Whatever you feel for your AP will go away over time. He is not into you and you were a convenient hookup. As soon as you make your peace with that fact and realize that the high you were feeling was your own fantasy of this man, you will start disengaging.

Would you ever want your kids and husband feel humiliated by your actions? No. This is what will get you through this.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I am a married woman in my mid 30s and had an 8 week affair that I ended a year ago today. I ended it because I felt guilty about what I was doing to my husband, my kids and my responsibilities and basically recognized I couldn’t keep up the double life. We only saw each other five times during that period as we live in different places.

When is it normal to be past this? I am not past it. I think of him every day, multiple times a day. So many things make me think of him. I replay everything in my head, I wonder what he’s doing, and waste a lot of energy feeling relatively despondent about it all. It was the happiest I have been in years and years and now it’s all gone and I’m never going to get it back. Sometimes that just feels too heavy to handle. I wish i never knew what it felt like.

I’m not sure that I actually miss him, more that I miss the excitement and the connection with someone. It’s definitely much more about the emotional than the physical. My marriage sucks, counseling hasn’t worked, and it’s been in a bad place for a very, very long time. I don’t feel that I can leave because of the negative impact it would have to my small children.

I didn’t mean to use this to vent. Really I just want to know when I will forget this ever happened and move on with my life. It’s torture.


You will never just "forget" that it happened and move on with your life. That's not how memory works. It will only fade into the background when you are more engaged in your present life than your past life.

You say that your marriage sucks and that counseling hasn't worked. What are the issues? What recommendations did a counselor have? What is good about your life now? Where are you getting fulfillment and satisfaction?
Anonymous
Your marriage sucks and counseling hasn't work because you are still pining for a guy you saw 5 times.
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