HS DS frosh navigating social scene

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would encourage your DS to join activities, clubs and/or sports. Most high schools have a list of all clubs available. That will lead to new friends. It is obvious that he wants to be more social. All he needs is a few new buddies to ease this transition. Maybe this is his opportunity to show some leadership and be the organizer.

+1 My middle school DS (king of the nerds) just formed a Magic the Gathering club at his school for his nerd realm. Obviously, he's not trying to break into the "popular" group but he knows who he is and that's what ultimately matters when attracting good friends.

Love this. My middle school ds is really in to MTG and is in the trading card club at his school. According to him, he spends most of his time organizing a girl's cards. LOL. I will suggest to him that next year he try to set up a specific magic the gathering game club (for another day - don't want to miss the trading card club meetings!)

I told DS that as part of the Magic the Gathering club, they should have trading card days or informal meet ups at game stores. OP, I'm guessing your DS isn't in to Magic, but I wonder if he might like drama? I remember from my HS days that those kids always seemed to be bonding and having fun.

[Anonymous]

Ok so friend groups can be hard and there's group think. But it seems like the old friends ARE still willing to hang with him. Can he ask ONE person to go out to a movie/bowling/golf/whatever -- someone who he thinks is likely to want to get out but only games 24-7 bc that's what everyone in their group is doing so that's what the social option is? If he thinks that'll offend people -- why not text the whole group with something like -- "hey I was wanting to get out to x movie or the driving range or whatever on Saturday afternoon, would love if anyone wants to join." Sometimes I think specific plans get more responses than -- we should hang out -- bc then the hanging out just becomes the path of least resistance which for this group is video games.

Also while you mean well, in HS relying on your sister for social plans doesn't work. I mean they aren't Brandon and Brenda Walsh with a mutual friend group. She'd have to 'inconvenience' her group/ask a 'favor' to bring her bro along and her friends may begrudgingly say yes but it may diminish her goodwill with them. The only way this can work organically is if her friend group starts hanging out at your house a lot. Then it's expected a younger brother will obviously be there and can watch movies etc. with the group -- if THEN the group sees him as cool, some independent friendship spark with him, then he can be a legit friend not just a tagalong brother.

Finally -- it just sounds like a social rut, which is a great time to take up an activity. For a 9th grade boy, I'd recommend a spring sport. Seems like he did a fall sport at school but didn't make friends? For the spring sport --he should go in not worrying about the sport so much but more about socializing. And again the socializing happens by reaching out to 1-2 boys on the team or the whole team and saying -- hey I wanted to go do x, does anyone want to join?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok so friend groups can be hard and there's group think. But it seems like the old friends ARE still willing to hang with him. Can he ask ONE person to go out to a movie/bowling/golf/whatever -- someone who he thinks is likely to want to get out but only games 24-7 bc that's what everyone in their group is doing so that's what the social option is? If he thinks that'll offend people -- why not text the whole group with something like -- "hey I was wanting to get out to x movie or the driving range or whatever on Saturday afternoon, would love if anyone wants to join." Sometimes I think specific plans get more responses than -- we should hang out -- bc then the hanging out just becomes the path of least resistance which for this group is video games.

Also while you mean well, in HS relying on your sister for social plans doesn't work. I mean they aren't Brandon and Brenda Walsh with a mutual friend group. She'd have to 'inconvenience' her group/ask a 'favor' to bring her bro along and her friends may begrudgingly say yes but it may diminish her goodwill with them. The only way this can work organically is if her friend group starts hanging out at your house a lot. Then it's expected a younger brother will obviously be there and can watch movies etc. with the group -- if THEN the group sees him as cool, some independent friendship spark with him, then he can be a legit friend not just a tagalong brother.

Finally -- it just sounds like a social rut, which is a great time to take up an activity. For a 9th grade boy, I'd recommend a spring sport. Seems like he did a fall sport at school but didn't make friends? For the spring sport --he should go in not worrying about the sport so much but more about socializing. And again the socializing happens by reaching out to 1-2 boys on the team or the whole team and saying -- hey I wanted to go do x, does anyone want to join?

I think this is good advice and It seems like your DS realizes he doesn't fit in with his old friends anymore and as a teen I think it would suck to be in a group and be the "dumb" one (not that your DS is dumb but if the group is doing all AP math and science and he isn't I can see who he might feel that way). Your DS missed out on some social skill building by not being in groups with kids who were doing that so it will take him a little bit to build up the confidence. I don't think it's wrong to want to hang out with the popular crowd and if it's a big enough crowd there will be layers in it and he will fall in with similar kids. He just needs to find a hobby or club and stick with it and yeah, there will be some lonely times but they won't be forever. In terms of your DD, she could fill him in on how plans usually get made in groups so he can understand that dynamic and work on getting looped in with the kids in his grade. He might be missing the subtle signs.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure what's going on is that OP's son is interested in girls and wants to hang out with the popular kids because they hang out with girls. So, going to the movies, etc. with his old friends is unlikely to solve his problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't care for the language of focusing on freshman, sophomore, etc. I think it is unnecessarily divisive. Better to say 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th.

I worked at a high school that made this change and I think it is really positive.

I've noticed a lot of colleges now call new students "first-years" (as a noun).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care for the language of focusing on freshman, sophomore, etc. I think it is unnecessarily divisive. Better to say 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th.

I worked at a high school that made this change and I think it is really positive.

What's wrong with saying freshman, sophmore, etc?

My understanding was that it is more divisive and promotes social distinctions, which the opposite of the inclusion that high schools want now.

It looks like a lot of colleges are getting rid of freshman for first year in order to be gender neutral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care for the language of focusing on freshman, sophomore, etc. I think it is unnecessarily divisive. Better to say 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th.

I worked at a high school that made this change and I think it is really positive.

I've noticed a lot of colleges now call new students "first-years" (as a noun).

I have seen this too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care for the language of focusing on freshman, sophomore, etc. I think it is unnecessarily divisive. Better to say 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th.

I worked at a high school that made this change and I think it is really positive.

What's wrong with saying freshman, sophmore, etc?

My understanding was that it is more divisive and promotes social distinctions, which the opposite of the inclusion that high schools want now.

It looks like a lot of colleges are getting rid of freshman for first year in order to be gender neutral.

TY! Upthread I was mocked for using frosh in order to be gender neutral.

[Anonymous]

My freshman year son is into girls, sports, clothes, friends, and parties in that order. It’s not what I would choose for him but it’s the age. I’m pretty hopeful he will mature into caring more about academics/work. I keep an open relationship with him and he knows I believe in him even when he makes more decisions.

[Anonymous]

* poor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care for the language of focusing on freshman, sophomore, etc. I think it is unnecessarily divisive. Better to say 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th.

I worked at a high school that made this change and I think it is really positive.

What's wrong with saying freshman, sophmore, etc?

My understanding was that it is more divisive and promotes social distinctions, which the opposite of the inclusion that high schools want now.

It looks like a lot of colleges are getting rid of freshman for first year in order to be gender neutral.

TY! Upthread I was mocked for using frosh in order to be gender neutral.

NP. Yes but 1st year or 9th grader just sounds better than the antiquated frosh. I have never come across that word except in old books. I’m picturing you as a stuffy pearl-wearing and bob having (with extra hair spray) woman who belongs to a county club, has a lockjaw dialect, and looks askance at the mixed race (Asian and White) couple placed next to them at dinner. Did you attend Miss Porters?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son needs to accept he's not "popular kid" material and be grateful he has any friends at all. He sounds like an asshole - to be willing to dump friends he had for three years in an effort to hang out with cooler kids.

I would make him do a lot of self-reflection about that.

Mom is an asshole too for encouraging tacky social ladder climbing. A striver in training. Yuck. You never get anywhere being a user and a wannabe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care for the language of focusing on freshman, sophomore, etc. I think it is unnecessarily divisive. Better to say 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th.

I worked at a high school that made this change and I think it is really positive.

What's wrong with saying freshman, sophmore, etc?

My understanding was that it is more divisive and promotes social distinctions, which the opposite of the inclusion that high schools want now.

It looks like a lot of colleges are getting rid of freshman for first year in order to be gender neutral.

TY! Upthread I was mocked for using frosh in order to be gender neutral.

NP. Yes but 1st year or 9th grader just sounds better than the antiquated frosh. I have never come across that word except in old books. I’m picturing you as a stuffy pearl-wearing and bob having (with extra hair spray) woman who belongs to a county club, has a lockjaw dialect, and looks askance at the mixed race (Asian and White) couple placed next to them at dinner. Did you attend Miss Porters?

This made me laugh. Grew up blue collar, went Ivy league for grad school, and am in a "mixed" marriage (which is why I neither attend nor patronize clubs).