HS DS frosh navigating social scene

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12/12/2018 16:49

Subject: HS DS frosh navigating social scene

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Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS in 9th at a K-12 school, which he entered in 6th when we relocated to area. He is fairly quiet and it took him awhile to make friends, but he was ultimately successful and had a couple of friendship groups, including a co-ed one. He was both happy and content - and his friends and the parents of friends really enjoyed his kindness and humor.

In 8th grade, alas, he tried to expand friendship groups and move into more "popular" set. That didn't really gel and he ended the year back with his original friendship groups. Now in 9th - same school, but new building on different part of campus. He is again trying to move into the more popular group. He has had some successes, but last weekend was pretty much the nadir as he had no plans on either night and he was clearly sad about being home. Might not be so painful, but his soph sister is in the center of the popular set and is friendly with some of the kids in her brother's grade. Just this morning she listed off her weekend activities while trying to figure out her study schedule with a friend. We have talked to her about looking out for him and she was very open to do so, but not necessarily clear in how she could do it.

DH and I have talked with him about the importance of maintaining old friends while trying to make new ones. He says he understands, yet we know that he is only hanging out with his old friends when there is a BD party, etc. My brother was/is a homebody, but he was content to sit at home and read or watch TV when he was in high school. While DS does like alone time, he clearly wants to connect with others over the weekend. He has also started to talk about what our lives might be like if we had not moved, something he has not done since he was in 6th grade.

I'm probably on the quiet end of spectrum too, so am stymied on how to be of support. DH and i know we can't "fix this" phase, but would love to hear from parents who've BTDT and what, if any, suggestions they have for us. TIA.

This sounds like your DS hasn't quite figured out his own identity- geeky/smart gamer kids, popular/social kids, etc. I'm not really judging because I think what your DS is experiencing is common- bright, regular kids who want to be social and "popular" but perhaps aren't standing out right now? I was "that" kid and it took me until my jr./sr. year to figure out that I was, on the inside, a bit of an independent thinker. I chose a a unique group of bright outsiders as friends and several of us are still close to this day.
I would encourage your DS to develop his own interests and reflect on who he is- when he does that, I think he will attract friends that he can connect with. I *do* think he needs to let go of pursuing the popular friends- it's not going to work and he will end up looking like a clinger and someone who ditches a nice group for the in crowd. No one respects that and teens see through it.

TY for your response - appreciate the insights. What's baffling to us is that DS always seemed comfortable in his own skin - insightful, wise, maybe even old in the soul. Very philosophical about being a good person. But his hormones seemed to have captured those traits and have either jettisoned or is not yet ready to release them. That's why DH and I are a bit thrown. We had hoped that last year was an aberration, but, after last weekend, does not seem to be the case. Again, thanks for your response. Candor doesn't have to be either snarky or judgmental.