HS DS frosh navigating social scene
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Anonymous
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DS in 9th at a K-12 school, which he entered in 6th when we relocated to area. He is fairly quiet and it took him awhile to make friends, but he was ultimately successful and had a couple of friendship groups, including a co-ed one. He was both happy and content - and his friends and the parents of friends really enjoyed his kindness and humor.
In 8th grade, alas, he tried to expand friendship groups and move into more "popular" set. That didn't really gel and he ended the year back with his original friendship groups. Now in 9th - same school, but new building on different part of campus. He is again trying to move into the more popular group. He has had some successes, but last weekend was pretty much the nadir as he had no plans on either night and he was clearly sad about being home. Might not be so painful, but his soph sister is in the center of the popular set and is friendly with some of the kids in her brother's grade. Just this morning she listed off her weekend activities while trying to figure out her study schedule with a friend. We have talked to her about looking out for him and she was very open to do so, but not necessarily clear in how she could do it. DH and I have talked with him about the importance of maintaining old friends while trying to make new ones. He says he understands, yet we know that he is only hanging out with his old friends when there is a BD party, etc. My brother was/is a homebody, but he was content to sit at home and read or watch TV when he was in high school. While DS does like alone time, he clearly wants to connect with others over the weekend. He has also started to talk about what our lives might be like if we had not moved, something he has not done since he was in 6th grade. I'm probably on the quiet end of spectrum too, so am stymied on how to be of support. DH and i know we can't "fix this" phase, but would love to hear from parents who've BTDT and what, if any, suggestions they have for us. TIA. |
Anonymous
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Well I can't offer how to break in with the populars. But, I"m not sure what you or he expects. He's using his old friends only when it suits him. So, of course, they see this and are not going to make plans with him on a regular basis. THat's his first mistake.
As for the sister, I do think she absolutely needs to include him more. Esp if she's dipping down into his grade and friend group. Otherwise, kind of a jerk move. But, besides that, she's not responsible for his social status in the school. |
Anonymous
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Your son needs to accept he's not "popular kid" material and be grateful he has any friends at all. He sounds like an asshole - to be willing to dump friends he had for three years in an effort to hang out with cooler kids.
I would make him do a lot of self-reflection about that. |
Anonymous
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If he has a group of friends why does he need to break into the popular group? What is it with being in the popular group that parents are so into. I've seen several posts on here asking for advice about the popular group.
If it were me, I'd discourage this and tell my kid to make friends based on the individual, not what group they belong to. |
Anonymous
Who says “alas” ??? He needs to not worry about a so-called popular group, but why do I feel he won’t get that from you. 
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Anonymous
| I'm the above poster. Meant to add, I think at this age, girls do a lot more hanging out together than boys. So comparing him to his sister's social schedule is probably not a good idea. I have a super social 8th grade boy and sometimes he and his friends make actual plans on weekends but usually, they don't and just see each other at school or online video games. I also remember back to when my 18 year old boy was in middle school. On half day the girls would make plans to go eat lunch after school and then go to the mall. I was amazed, my son and his friends were not organized like that. |
Anonymous
| ^^ correction: Not the above poster, the two above poster. |
Anonymous
| ^^ correction: Not the above poster, the two above poster. |
Anonymous
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OP here. For clarity, his old group of friends mainly sit at home and game on weekends, only going out when a parent organizes a BD party, etc. DS is not so into the multi-player gaming. We've suggested that he ask his old buddies to go to a movie, etc, but he responds that they'd rather game. A challenge here is that most of his old friends are in top maths/science classes while DS is not. I think he found this okay in MS, but harder now - they are on a different class schedule than him. I think he is little self conscious about this, even if he is doing well in all his current classes. He has said that he thinks his old friends judge him a bit for not being in their classes. DH said it seems hard as he is neither wholly geeky nor totally sporty (though plays a travel sport).
We just discussed with his sister last weekend. She feels bad that he is unhappy and is trying to figure out what she can do. She did tell us that she would ask him along to any coed outing, though she mainly hangs with her 8-10 friends. I don't think i indicated we were trying to get him into the popular group - I was asking if parents had BTDT with a DC and how did they support a DC in friendship limbo. |
Anonymous
OP here. A double judgy in one post - you may win the thread. |
Anonymous
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OP, you and your kid need to accept that he is who he is. The friends who treat him well are the friends worth keeping.
Many kids have empty weekends, and mama can't fix this. Your kid would be less likely to be home alone if he weren't striving to be friends with the kids who don't want him. The kids that do like him would be put off by this. |
Anonymous
| What's your son into, OP? I'd encourage him to sign up for a group or activity that interests him. Either through school, library, rec center or along those lines. I think that's a more natural way to make friends as opposed to trying to insert yourself into an already established group. |
Anonymous
| Also, please don't put this responsibility on his sister. Yes, she should look out for him so to speak, like any sibling would. But she should not be trying to figure out ways to navigate a social scene for him. How humiliating for him! |
Anonymous
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Please don't use the word frosh. Ever again.
You're the problem. He is not his sister's problem, let her be! |
Anonymous
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Please don't use the word frosh. Ever again.
You're the problem. He is not his sister's problem, let her be! |