I am resentful of women who got a leg up in life because of who they married

[Anonymous]

The secret to happiness is simple - Learn to be content with what you have. Once you do that, you’ll find that you attract more of the things you want.

[Anonymous]

This is what I fear people think when they see me because I married a woman who is from a wealthy family. We met our sophomore year of college but didn't start dating until about halfway through our Junior year. We got engaged a few years after graduation and married a year and a half after that. My friends from back home often commented on how lucky I was to "bag a rich one" and how nice it must have been to have those connections. Insulting, IMO, because I never used any of her family connections to get a job or climb the ladder. I'm much more successful than she because she chose a different path after college and went into a public service type position. I worked hard to get into the same ivy league college as her, busted my butt in college, and started from the bottom and worked my way up after graduation, but most people attribute my success to the luck of marrying well.

If her family money went away tomorrow, she'd be left making around ~$115k/year while I'd be bringing home ~$400k/year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I watch couples pair up it becomes evident how much of a difference who women marry makes a difference in their general life circumstances. Even successful career women when paired with equally successful men end up with twice the privilege and perks.

I’m jealous that I missed out.

Yes, this is true. And unfortunately it simply means life is not fair. I married a man who, through tremendous hard work and ambition, has provided us with a very comfortable life. I am fortunate in this regards. But I did fall in love with DH because he was ambitious and hard working and that was a big part of the attraction to him. I could have fallen in love with kind hearted environmentalist who would never make more than 40k a year but I chose not to.....

LOL, you almost pulled it off until you added that last line.

Anyway OP, think of it this way: most or the women who put up with jerks to marry rich were probably chosen by hir husbands because they looked good in their 20s. Those women will be traded in for the newer (younger) model in a few years. Doesn't sound so glamorous then.

I am the poster who wrote the message you responded to.

I don't want to give off the impression I cruelly broke a man's heart because he didn't make enough money. But when I was dating did I weed out prospective dates based on occupation? Yes. Truthfully, the answer is yes. It is difficult to speak frankly about this without coming across as materialistic because that is the wrong way of looking at it. It was important to me to be with someone who shared common values and expectations with me. I would not have been a good wife to a man making only 40k a year, I would not have been happy in that marriage, so it goes both ways. I expected to be working hard and to build a good life and it was important to me to be with someone who was an equal partner in that.

That's not to say my benchmark was set so high that only C level men were suitable DH and I met in business school and when we married he had no money. Actually, he was in negative equity when you consider his loans. I had more money than he did as I graduated debt free.

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP. I’m not jealous, but have a hard time not rolling my eyes at my SAHM friend with a mother’s helper complaining about how stressful her life is because they are renovating their multi million dollar home in San Francisco. All while I commute an hour each way to my high stress DC job, parent two kids, and also do renovations on my modest house in the burbs, except I can only afford to do it one project at a time. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Look, my Mom was twice divorced and a single Mom for much of my childhood. I considered ambition, security and loyalty and the most important factors in a husband. I dated men that were gorgeous looking, but I worried they'd cheat on and then divorce me like stepdad #2 did to Mom. I needed a man who would stick to his promises and also wanted to earn. I'm a very flexible person and can see the good in a lot of people.

Turned out that my DH of 20+ years is fun, handsome and recently inherited millions. Tells me all the time how lucky he is to have me, appreciates what we've done with our lives, etc.

He benefits too. I keep myself in very good shape, dress nicely, work FT, raise good kids, etc. We both get something - that's how it should work. Based on the two dismal marriage failures that I witnesses firsthand, I knew I needed something more than attraction. We had to be a good match in more ways than just romance & sex.

[Anonymous]

Keep in mind that unless you marry someone who comes from a very wealthy family, most of us marry people who have, at most, potential.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I watch couples pair up it becomes evident how much of a difference who women marry makes a difference in their general life circumstances. Even successful career women when paired with equally successful men end up with twice the privilege and perks.

I’m jealous that I missed out.

Yes, this is true. And unfortunately it simply means life is not fair. I married a man who, through tremendous hard work and ambition, has provided us with a very comfortable life. I am fortunate in this regards. But I did fall in love with DH because he was ambitious and hard working and that was a big part of the attraction to him. I could have fallen in love with kind hearted environmentalist who would never make more than 40k a year but I chose not to.....

LOL, you almost pulled it off until you added that last line.

Anyway OP, think of it this way: most or the women who put up with jerks to marry rich were probably chosen by hir husbands because they looked good in their 20s. Those women will be traded in for the newer (younger) model in a few years. Doesn't sound so glamorous then.

I am the poster who wrote the message you responded to.

I don't want to give off the impression I cruelly broke a man's heart because he didn't make enough money. But when I was dating did I weed out prospective dates based on occupation? Yes. Truthfully, the answer is yes. It is difficult to speak frankly about this without coming across as materialistic because that is the wrong way of looking at it. It was important to me to be with someone who shared common values and expectations with me. I would not have been a good wife to a man making only 40k a year, I would not have been happy in that marriage, so it goes both ways. I expected to be working hard and to build a good life and it was important to me to be with someone who was an equal partner in that.

That's not to say my benchmark was set so high that only C level men were suitable DH and I met in business school and when we married he had no money. Actually, he was in negative equity when you consider his loans. I had more money than he did as I graduated debt free.

Justifying your materialism by saying that you wouldn't be a good wife to someone who wasn't going to be wealthy doesn't make it seem any better. You would be more honest to say that wealth is a value, and you wanted to marry someone else who valued wealth.

I also married someone with a high income, from a wealthy family/background. I do not value wealth per se, although I do value economic stability. This actually does cause some tension between DH and I, although after 10 years together, we have mostly worked it out.

I will say that while I make a good income myself, my DH's income and his family's wealth have made big difference in our financial situation, which eases our daily life. I do see how much more we have than my friends who did not marry someone with a high income. But I believe that my friends are just as happy and fulfilled as I am, so in the end I doubt that it makes that much difference as long as you are financially secure.

[Anonymous]

I think that you chose poorly when choosing a spouse. If money mattered to you, or connections or whatever, then you should have chosen a mate accordingly. Earning potential was a factor in mate selection for me. I chose someone who met those expectations. If you cared about looks, then married an ugly man, then I would tell you the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Lots if smug bitches here. Hopefully you don’t all have to work too hard to hold on to your meal tickets. I guess that your spouses didn’t value character when “choosing a mate.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I watch couples pair up it becomes evident how much of a difference who women marry makes a difference in their general life circumstances. Even successful career women when paired with equally successful men end up with twice the privilege and perks.

I’m jealous that I missed out.

My former MIL grew up in genteel poverty. At 18, she had the “luck” to meet my former FIL. He was from a wealthy family. They began dating and married within two years. She has not wanted for any material desire since then, hasn’t done any housework, and her kids were set financially for life. She has not known affection or peace in the home. For over 60 years. Some perk.

You say this but she could have very easily not known affection or peace with a poor man, too.

[Anonymous]

When I met my DH we were both making less than $20k per year. But it was clear he was smart, cute, fun, kind - all the things you look for in a husband. So I had a leg up because of that as it certainly wasn't his money. Lo and behold he goes on to be very successful. I too had a career that I loved. We live a very nice life and if people resent me because of who I married that's their problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I met my DH we were both making less than $20k per year. But it was clear he was smart, cute, fun, kind - all the things you look for in a husband. So I had a leg up because of that as it certainly wasn't his money. Lo and behold he goes on to be very successful. I too had a career that I loved. We live a very nice life and if people resent me because of who I married that's their problem.

Don’t act like you are smarter than anyone else. You got lucky. It’s not always easy to tell what someone will become or not become, especially at a very young age. There are no guarantees, not even when someone meets all of the criteria for success. So don’t be smug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I watch couples pair up it becomes evident how much of a difference who women marry makes a difference in their general life circumstances. Even successful career women when paired with equally successful men end up with twice the privilege and perks.

I’m jealous that I missed out.

My former MIL grew up in genteel poverty. At 18, she had the “luck” to meet my former FIL. He was from a wealthy family. They began dating and married within two years. She has not wanted for any material desire since then, hasn’t done any housework, and her kids were set financially for life. She has not known affection or peace in the home. For over 60 years. Some perk.

You say this but she could have very easily not known affection or peace with a poor man, too.

I think if she had, she would have had emotional support from her family and friends and felt like she could leave. I know that he often mocked her family’s modest background and held the purse strings over her head. When I divorced her son, she asked me how I would make it? As if brown bagging it and living in an apartment was a sufficient reason to stay married to an abuser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP. As you become more successful careerwise, it's harder and harder to find a mate. You realize the importance of marrying well when you are young.

+1000 Most of the most eligible guys were married before 30 to women they met in college or during their first jobs.

[Anonymous]

My mother’s best friend growing up in the 80s told everyone she was going to marry a rich guy. In college my mom was dating the son of a billionaire and my mom’s friend stole him from her — and married him! She’s a filthy rich alcoholic who blows money in an attempt to pretend to be busy. Whatever.

My mom went to dental school and met my dad. My dad’s practice is worth a few million bucks but nothing near the old bff’s lifestyle. My mom wouldn’t have it any other way.