Tween boy with HFA has no desire to socialize with peers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is saying that people on the spectrum don't have feelings or emotional connections.

But differences in social relatedness are absolutely the core feature of autism, and this often includes less interest in socializing the way other kids do.

I'm not sure why this is even a matter of debate.

No it isn't. People on the spectrum have deficits in reading nonverbal cues not that they don't want to relate to others socially.

There is less interest in socializing because their deficit is in understanding nonverbal social cues. If you don't know how to "read" people, it is going to effect your wanting to socialize even if you want to.

ASD is not about having "less social motivation" but that their deficits in nonverbal social cues makes people makes them less able to socialize even if they want to to which most due. If you have been rebuffed by people, after a while you are going to give up.

I think you're engaged in a ton of wishful thinking. Austism is not something that can be "cured" by expressly teaching social skills. Again, this is not to say that people with autism don't have feelings or want friends in some cases.

Of course autism can't be cured but social skills can be taught. If they can master the skills well enough, yeah, they can appear NT if slightly "off". But yeah, they are still autistic not cured.

Why the emphasis on making kids appear normal? That message seems much more harmful than just accepting that kids with autism socialize differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
ADOS, the "gold standard" autism test as we are so often told, is all about social interaction. It's the deficits in social interaction lead to an autism score on the test.

My kid was diagnosed through ADOS. The neuropsych pointed out DS is "highly socially motivated"
AND on the spectrum. You can have deficits in social interactions while still being "highly socially motivated" because autism means that they have deficits is social communication +. My DS wants and has friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is saying that people on the spectrum don't have feelings or emotional connections.

But differences in social relatedness are absolutely the core feature of autism, and this often includes less interest in socializing the way other kids do.

I'm not sure why this is even a matter of debate.

No it isn't. People on the spectrum have deficits in reading nonverbal cues not that they don't want to relate to others socially.

There is less interest in socializing because their deficit is in understanding nonverbal social cues. If you don't know how to "read" people, it is going to effect your wanting to socialize even if you want to.

ASD is not about having "less social motivation" but that their deficits in nonverbal social cues makes people makes them less able to socialize even if they want to to which most due. If you have been rebuffed by people, after a while you are going to give up.

I think you're engaged in a ton of wishful thinking. Austism is not something that can be "cured" by expressly teaching social skills. Again, this is not to say that people with autism don't have feelings or want friends in some cases.

Of course autism can't be cured but social skills can be taught. If they can master the skills well enough, yeah, they can appear NT if slightly "off". But yeah, they are still autistic not cured.

Why the emphasis on making kids appear normal? That message seems much more harmful than just accepting that kids with autism socialize differently.

Not MAKING kids appear normal but perceived as NT by NTs. I am not making a judgement call here. Just talking about how effective someone can learn social skills. Is that better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^the core deficits remain. But autistic people can marry, have friends, etc. It makes for a richer more functional, happy life.

an autistic person who marries and has lots of friendships was likely verrrry mildly affected. They don't "look" normal because they got some magic intervention.

conversely, an autistic person can have a happy, rich life even if they are not socially motivated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
ADOS, the "gold standard" autism test as we are so often told, is all about social interaction. It's the deficits in social interaction lead to an autism score on the test.

My kid was diagnosed through ADOS. The neuropsych pointed out DS is "highly socially motivated"
AND on the spectrum. You can have deficits in social interactions while still being "highly socially motivated" because autism means that they have deficits is social communication +. My DS wants and has friends.

he's highly socially motivated relative to *other kids on the spectrum.*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is saying that people on the spectrum don't have feelings or emotional connections.

But differences in social relatedness are absolutely the core feature of autism, and this often includes less interest in socializing the way other kids do.

I'm not sure why this is even a matter of debate.

No it isn't. People on the spectrum have deficits in reading nonverbal cues not that they don't want to relate to others socially.

There is less interest in socializing because their deficit is in understanding nonverbal social cues. If you don't know how to "read" people, it is going to effect your wanting to socialize even if you want to.

ASD is not about having "less social motivation" but that their deficits in nonverbal social cues makes people makes them less able to socialize even if they want to to which most due. If you have been rebuffed by people, after a while you are going to give up.

I think you're engaged in a ton of wishful thinking. Austism is not something that can be "cured" by expressly teaching social skills. Again, this is not to say that people with autism don't have feelings or want friends in some cases.

Of course autism can't be cured but social skills can be taught. If they can master the skills well enough, yeah, they can appear NT if slightly "off". But yeah, they are still autistic not cured.

Why the emphasis on making kids appear normal? That message seems much more harmful than just accepting that kids with autism socialize differently.

Not MAKING kids appear normal but perceived as NT by NTs. I am not making a judgement call here. Just talking about how effective someone can learn social skills. Is that better?

Look if you have some formula to magically teach social skills so kids with autism "appear NT", I think you could make a lot of $$. you have a very mildly affected child. Be happy, but don't act like you have answers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
ADOS, the "gold standard" autism test as we are so often told, is all about social interaction. It's the deficits in social interaction lead to an autism score on the test.

My kid was diagnosed through ADOS. The neuropsych pointed out DS is "highly socially motivated"
AND on the spectrum. You can have deficits in social interactions while still being "highly socially motivated" because autism means that they have deficits is social communication +. My DS wants and has friends.

he's highly socially motivated relative to *other kids on the spectrum.*

No, the neuropsych did not say that. He made it on the spectrum by 1 point on the ADOS. DS is an extrovert and highly socially motivated. Loves people. Does not always know how to relate to others but he likes to be around people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is saying that people on the spectrum don't have feelings or emotional connections.

But differences in social relatedness are absolutely the core feature of autism, and this often includes less interest in socializing the way other kids do.

I'm not sure why this is even a matter of debate.

No it isn't. People on the spectrum have deficits in reading nonverbal cues not that they don't want to relate to others socially.

There is less interest in socializing because their deficit is in understanding nonverbal social cues. If you don't know how to "read" people, it is going to effect your wanting to socialize even if you want to.

ASD is not about having "less social motivation" but that their deficits in nonverbal social cues makes people makes them less able to socialize even if they want to to which most due. If you have been rebuffed by people, after a while you are going to give up.

I think you're engaged in a ton of wishful thinking. Austism is not something that can be "cured" by expressly teaching social skills. Again, this is not to say that people with autism don't have feelings or want friends in some cases.

Of course autism can't be cured but social skills can be taught. If they can master the skills well enough, yeah, they can appear NT if slightly "off". But yeah, they are still autistic not cured.

Why the emphasis on making kids appear normal? That message seems much more harmful than just accepting that kids with autism socialize differently.

Not MAKING kids appear normal but perceived as NT by NTs. I am not making a judgement call here. Just talking about how effective someone can learn social skills. Is that better?

Look if you have some formula to magically teach social skills so kids with autism "appear NT", I think you could make a lot of $$. you have a very mildly affected child. Be happy, but don't act like you have answers.

Never said I had the answers. I can only relate my experience just like you relate yours. Yes, I have a mildly affected child and teaching social skills works for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
ADOS, the "gold standard" autism test as we are so often told, is all about social interaction. It's the deficits in social interaction lead to an autism score on the test.

My kid was diagnosed through ADOS. The neuropsych pointed out DS is "highly socially motivated"
AND on the spectrum. You can have deficits in social interactions while still being "highly socially motivated" because autism means that they have deficits is social communication +. My DS wants and has friends.

he's highly socially motivated relative to *other kids on the spectrum.*

No, the neuropsych did not say that. He made it on the spectrum by 1 point on the ADOS. DS is an extrovert and highly socially motivated. Loves people. Does not always know how to relate to others but he likes to be around people.

You know that ADOS could be off by one point, right? It's not like it is a math test. Grading is subjective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is saying that people on the spectrum don't have feelings or emotional connections.

But differences in social relatedness are absolutely the core feature of autism, and this often includes less interest in socializing the way other kids do.

I'm not sure why this is even a matter of debate.

No it isn't. People on the spectrum have deficits in reading nonverbal cues not that they don't want to relate to others socially.

There is less interest in socializing because their deficit is in understanding nonverbal social cues. If you don't know how to "read" people, it is going to effect your wanting to socialize even if you want to.

ASD is not about having "less social motivation" but that their deficits in nonverbal social cues makes people makes them less able to socialize even if they want to to which most due. If you have been rebuffed by people, after a while you are going to give up.

I think you're engaged in a ton of wishful thinking. Austism is not something that can be "cured" by expressly teaching social skills. Again, this is not to say that people with autism don't have feelings or want friends in some cases.

Of course autism can't be cured but social skills can be taught. If they can master the skills well enough, yeah, they can appear NT if slightly "off". But yeah, they are still autistic not cured.

Why the emphasis on making kids appear normal? That message seems much more harmful than just accepting that kids with autism socialize differently.

Not MAKING kids appear normal but perceived as NT by NTs. I am not making a judgement call here. Just talking about how effective someone can learn social skills. Is that better?

Look if you have some formula to magically teach social skills so kids with autism "appear NT", I think you could make a lot of $$. you have a very mildly affected child. Be happy, but don't act like you have answers.

Never said I had the answers. I can only relate my experience just like you relate yours. Yes, I have a mildly affected child and teaching social skills works for him.

But you commandeer every thread like this. OP's child is NOT that way.

His social skills s are goal oriented and task oriented which is typical for autism.

OP I think you will have the most success if you can encourage him to do group activities with a shared interest. It may or may not lead to more.

I was at a housing for disabled people forum and the leader said many clients really made the friendship leap when they started living with peers instead of family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is saying that people on the spectrum don't have feelings or emotional connections.

But differences in social relatedness are absolutely the core feature of autism, and this often includes less interest in socializing the way other kids do.

I'm not sure why this is even a matter of debate.

No it isn't. People on the spectrum have deficits in reading nonverbal cues not that they don't want to relate to others socially.

There is less interest in socializing because their deficit is in understanding nonverbal social cues. If you don't know how to "read" people, it is going to effect your wanting to socialize even if you want to.

ASD is not about having "less social motivation" but that their deficits in nonverbal social cues makes people makes them less able to socialize even if they want to to which most due. If you have been rebuffed by people, after a while you are going to give up.

I think you're engaged in a ton of wishful thinking. Austism is not something that can be "cured" by expressly teaching social skills. Again, this is not to say that people with autism don't have feelings or want friends in some cases.

Of course autism can't be cured but social skills can be taught. If they can master the skills well enough, yeah, they can appear NT if slightly "off". But yeah, they are still autistic not cured.

Why the emphasis on making kids appear normal? That message seems much more harmful than just accepting that kids with autism socialize differently.

Genuine question: what if there is a gap between "want" and "need"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is saying that people on the spectrum don't have feelings or emotional connections.

But differences in social relatedness are absolutely the core feature of autism, and this often includes less interest in socializing the way other kids do.

I'm not sure why this is even a matter of debate.

No it isn't. People on the spectrum have deficits in reading nonverbal cues not that they don't want to relate to others socially.

There is less interest in socializing because their deficit is in understanding nonverbal social cues. If you don't know how to "read" people, it is going to effect your wanting to socialize even if you want to.

ASD is not about having "less social motivation" but that their deficits in nonverbal social cues makes people makes them less able to socialize even if they want to to which most due. If you have been rebuffed by people, after a while you are going to give up.

I think you're engaged in a ton of wishful thinking. Austism is not something that can be "cured" by expressly teaching social skills. Again, this is not to say that people with autism don't have feelings or want friends in some cases.

Of course autism can't be cured but social skills can be taught. If they can master the skills well enough, yeah, they can appear NT if slightly "off". But yeah, they are still autistic not cured.

Why the emphasis on making kids appear normal? That message seems much more harmful than just accepting that kids with autism socialize differently.

Genuine question: what if there is a gap between "want" and "need"?

Not sure what you're referring to. OP's question is about the desire to socialize. I don't think there's any way you can make someone want to socialize more than they do. As for "need" -- it sounds like her DS is actually doing a good job at the social skills he needs to have to be independent, since he's able to work on school projects & extra-curriculars with peer successfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AI is autism, CI is cognitive impairment.

The core deficit of autism is a decreased desire and/ or ability for social engagement. That is what OP is seeing. OP can seek out social skills training, but from what I have seen the doesn't move the needle on an actual desire to hang out with other kids. The sole exception is if the child wants to do some shared video game.

Holy cow! No. It. Is. Not.
Stop spreading false information about autism.
Autistic kids WANT friends as much as other children.


You are so incredibly ignorant here, im guessing you are part of the CI group

No, it is you my friend you are ignorant. Not all Autistic people want friends. My dd is happy to talk to someone but, does indeed does not crave friends like my NT dd does. My HFA will say to me I don't get Sarah wanting a best friend. And yet she is happy and gets socialization when she is in class and doing an activity. She had an internship and did very well.

I get it that the op wants her kid to want to have friends ( as I did too) but, I wouldn't push it. We did the socialization classes and she became an expert in the 'right' answer but, still has little desire. I think it might have something to do with the fact that she also has trouble remembering faces so she is embarrassed if she can't remember them ( just a guess though)

There is a place for everyone in this world, including your son and my dd.

To the pp above: there is a yahoo group you can connect with at

[e-mail]

To the immediate PP, you clearly lack reading comprehension skills for I did not say that ALL autistic people want friends. I said they want friends as much as NTs, and i know plenty of NTs who don't have or want close friendships. To put this for you in more simple terms which you may understand: some autistic people do not want friends. Some autistic people do want friends.

I am on the spectrum, i have immediate family members on the spectrum, 2 children on the spectrum, have discussed friendships as they pertain to autistic people and whether or not that is a requisite of diagnosis with 3 of the more highly tauted psychiatrists and neuropsychologist in this area.

I am also able to read text. It is absolutely WRONG to say that if a person wants friends they cant be autistic. It is absolutely ignorant and a misinterpretation of the DSM criteria which states that ASD can be recognized by social communication and interaction deficits. That statement is then followed by a list of how that criteria MAY be expressed. It does not state nor imply nor intend to imply that ALL autistic people have no interest in friendships.

The reason that your ignorance is dangerous is that should another parent appproach this board with a child who shows signs of ASD, but they read your erroneous statement that ASD = no interest in having friends, and their child has an interest in making friends, they might be prevented from seeking the appropriate help for their child.

Shame on you!

I am the pp you are shaming. The old adage is true. When you meet one person with HFA or Autism than you met one person with Autism or HFA. I am discussing my own experience with my own daughter. Great that you want to have friends but, no where in my post where I said the bolded ( it is absolutely wrong to say if a person wants friends they can't be friends) Maybe it is you with the reading comprehension problems? Either way you seem very hostile to other people's points of view or experience.

So shame on you for acting like a know it all.

When YOU say "the core deficit of autism is a decreased desire" for friendships you are plainly and purely wrong. Just stop.

Temple Grandin 's book, "Stories I Tell My Friends" likely had you sputtering about how Temple mustn't be truly autistic. Now please go educate yourself before spreading falsehoods on a public board where people are seeking genuine help. I am not a know it all, but I certainly know more than you.

To the OP my advice would be to ask her DC if DC feels lonely or wants to make friends and take it from there.

There is a parenting autism summit video series going on today wherein Dr. Dan Shapiro supports what a PP said about social skill deficits seeming to melt away when you find two kids who share the same driven interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AI is autism, CI is cognitive impairment.

The core deficit of autism is a decreased desire and/ or ability for social engagement. That is what OP is seeing. OP can seek out social skills training, but from what I have seen the doesn't move the needle on an actual desire to hang out with other kids. The sole exception is if the child wants to do some shared video game.

Holy cow! No. It. Is. Not.
Stop spreading false information about autism.
Autistic kids WANT friends as much as other children.


You are so incredibly ignorant here, im guessing you are part of the CI group

No, it is you my friend you are ignorant. Not all Autistic people want friends. My dd is happy to talk to someone but, does indeed does not crave friends like my NT dd does. My HFA will say to me I don't get Sarah wanting a best friend. And yet she is happy and gets socialization when she is in class and doing an activity. She had an internship and did very well.

I get it that the op wants her kid to want to have friends ( as I did too) but, I wouldn't push it. We did the socialization classes and she became an expert in the 'right' answer but, still has little desire. I think it might have something to do with the fact that she also has trouble remembering faces so she is embarrassed if she can't remember them ( just a guess though)

There is a place for everyone in this world, including your son and my dd.

To the pp above: there is a yahoo group you can connect with at

[e-mail]

To the immediate PP, you clearly lack reading comprehension skills for I did not say that ALL autistic people want friends. I said they want friends as much as NTs, and i know plenty of NTs who don't have or want close friendships. To put this for you in more simple terms which you may understand: some autistic people do not want friends. Some autistic people do want friends.

I am on the spectrum, i have immediate family members on the spectrum, 2 children on the spectrum, have discussed friendships as they pertain to autistic people and whether or not that is a requisite of diagnosis with 3 of the more highly tauted psychiatrists and neuropsychologist in this area.

I am also able to read text. It is absolutely WRONG to say that if a person wants friends they cant be autistic. It is absolutely ignorant and a misinterpretation of the DSM criteria which states that ASD can be recognized by social communication and interaction deficits. That statement is then followed by a list of how that criteria MAY be expressed. It does not state nor imply nor intend to imply that ALL autistic people have no interest in friendships.

The reason that your ignorance is dangerous is that should another parent appproach this board with a child who shows signs of ASD, but they read your erroneous statement that ASD = no interest in having friends, and their child has an interest in making friends, they might be prevented from seeking the appropriate help for their child.

Shame on you!

I am the pp you are shaming. The old adage is true. When you meet one person with HFA or Autism than you met one person with Autism or HFA. I am discussing my own experience with my own daughter. Great that you want to have friends but, no where in my post where I said the bolded ( it is absolutely wrong to say if a person wants friends they can't be friends) Maybe it is you with the reading comprehension problems? Either way you seem very hostile to other people's points of view or experience.

So shame on you for acting like a know it all.

When YOU say "the core deficit of autism is a decreased desire" for friendships you are plainly and purely wrong. Just stop.

Temple Grandin 's book, "Stories I Tell My Friends" likely had you sputtering about how Temple mustn't be truly autistic. Now please go educate yourself before spreading falsehoods on a public board where people are seeking genuine help. I am not a know it all, but I certainly know more than you.


To the OP my advice would be to ask her DC if DC feels lonely or wants to make friends and take it from there.

There is a parenting autism summit video series going on today wherein Dr. Dan Shapiro supports what a PP said about social skill deficits seeming to melt away when you find two kids who share the same driven interest.

I never said this in any of my posts. You must be referring to someone else. You can stop yelling at me now. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AI is autism, CI is cognitive impairment.

The core deficit of autism is a decreased desire and/ or ability for social engagement. That is what OP is seeing. OP can seek out social skills training, but from what I have seen the doesn't move the needle on an actual desire to hang out with other kids. The sole exception is if the child wants to do some shared video game.

Holy cow! No. It. Is. Not.
Stop spreading false information about autism.
Autistic kids WANT friends as much as other children.


You are so incredibly ignorant here, im guessing you are part of the CI group

No, it is you my friend you are ignorant. Not all Autistic people want friends. My dd is happy to talk to someone but, does indeed does not crave friends like my NT dd does. My HFA will say to me I don't get Sarah wanting a best friend. And yet she is happy and gets socialization when she is in class and doing an activity. She had an internship and did very well.

I get it that the op wants her kid to want to have friends ( as I did too) but, I wouldn't push it. We did the socialization classes and she became an expert in the 'right' answer but, still has little desire. I think it might have something to do with the fact that she also has trouble remembering faces so she is embarrassed if she can't remember them ( just a guess though)

There is a place for everyone in this world, including your son and my dd.

To the pp above: there is a yahoo group you can connect with at

[e-mail]

To the immediate PP, you clearly lack reading comprehension skills for I did not say that ALL autistic people want friends. I said they want friends as much as NTs, and i know plenty of NTs who don't have or want close friendships. To put this for you in more simple terms which you may understand: some autistic people do not want friends. Some autistic people do want friends.

I am on the spectrum, i have immediate family members on the spectrum, 2 children on the spectrum, have discussed friendships as they pertain to autistic people and whether or not that is a requisite of diagnosis with 3 of the more highly tauted psychiatrists and neuropsychologist in this area.

I am also able to read text. It is absolutely WRONG to say that if a person wants friends they cant be autistic. It is absolutely ignorant and a misinterpretation of the DSM criteria which states that ASD can be recognized by social communication and interaction deficits. That statement is then followed by a list of how that criteria MAY be expressed. It does not state nor imply nor intend to imply that ALL autistic people have no interest in friendships.

The reason that your ignorance is dangerous is that should another parent appproach this board with a child who shows signs of ASD, but they read your erroneous statement that ASD = no interest in having friends, and their child has an interest in making friends, they might be prevented from seeking the appropriate help for their child.

Shame on you!

I am the pp you are shaming. The old adage is true. When you meet one person with HFA or Autism than you met one person with Autism or HFA. I am discussing my own experience with my own daughter. Great that you want to have friends but, no where in my post where I said the bolded ( it is absolutely wrong to say if a person wants friends they can't be friends) Maybe it is you with the reading comprehension problems? Either way you seem very hostile to other people's points of view or experience.

So shame on you for acting like a know it all.

When YOU say "the core deficit of autism is a decreased desire" for friendships you are plainly and purely wrong. Just stop.

Temple Grandin 's book, "Stories I Tell My Friends" likely had you sputtering about how Temple mustn't be truly autistic. Now please go educate yourself before spreading falsehoods on a public board where people are seeking genuine help. I am not a know it all, but I certainly know more than you.


To the OP my advice would be to ask her DC if DC feels lonely or wants to make friends and take it from there.

There is a parenting autism summit video series going on today wherein Dr. Dan Shapiro supports what a PP said about social skill deficits seeming to melt away when you find two kids who share the same driven interest.

I never said this in any of my posts. You must be referring to someone else. You can stop yelling at me now. Thank you.

Forgot to add you don't know more than me. I know more about my daughter than you do.