Tween boy with HFA has no desire to socialize with peers

[Anonymous]

I do feel this is a “won’t” not a “can’t “ thing because he interacts with other kids fine during class or activities. He had kids to want him to be part of their team or join them for lunch but most of time just said “no” politely and went on his own. He rejected the ideas of having parties or asking someone over, zero phone or social media conversations outside school. I get it to respect him being his unique self but can’t help worrying about the consequences in the long run. Should I push him to socialize more even it’s against his will? Explaining why it’s important to try to make friends doesn’t motivate him. Arranging “play dates” for him is age-inappropriate. Tia for any suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Get him evaluated for social anxiety which can make it appear a “won’t” when it is actually a “can’t”.

[Anonymous]

My teen is in a mixed class of CI and AI. You just described every autistic kid in his class. None are interested in socializing. The CI kids are another story. They go to dances, get involved in school activities, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do feel this is a “won’t” not a “can’t “ thing because he interacts with other kids fine during class or activities. He had kids to want him to be part of their team or join them for lunch but most of time just said “no” politely and went on his own. He rejected the ideas of having parties or asking someone over, zero phone or social media conversations outside school. I get it to respect him being his unique self but can’t help worrying about the consequences in the long run. Should I push him to socialize more even it’s against his will? Explaining why it’s important to try to make friends doesn’t motivate him. Arranging “play dates” for him is age-inappropriate. Tia for any suggestions.

Does he have extracurricular activities with peers?

[Anonymous]

Can you find him adults to socialize with? Grandparents, aunts/uncles, old ladies in the neighborhood, or younger kids? My son is minimally interested in peers but will have longish chats with friendly neighbors, relatives, and anyone who shares his interests. It’s not the same but it’s still social connection and social practice.

[Anonymous]

Mom of child with HFA here. According to what I have read and the lectures I have attended he absolutely needs peer friends. Chatting with adults is not the same because adults humor you and won't correct poor social skills the way peers will (sometimes a bit rudely, but still useful). I'd reach out to the school counselor, teachers, and any outside providers for input on how to get him more connected with and interested in PEERS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My teen is in a mixed class of CI and AI. You just described every autistic kid in his class. None are interested in socializing. The CI kids are another story. They go to dances, get involved in school activities, etc.

What do CI and AI refer to in this context?

My kid has HFA and ADHD and often asks for play dates and enjoys them. But only for a limited group of kids. A short list of you will. Would you find that better? I’d like to expand my kid's friend list for sure. Is a tween as well.

[Anonymous]

AI is autism, CI is cognitive impairment.

The core deficit of autism is a decreased desire and/ or ability for social engagement. That is what OP is seeing. OP can seek out social skills training, but from what I have seen the doesn't move the needle on an actual desire to hang out with other kids. The sole exception is if the child wants to do some shared video game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do feel this is a “won’t” not a “can’t “ thing because he interacts with other kids fine during class or activities. He had kids to want him to be part of their team or join them for lunch but most of time just said “no” politely and went on his own. He rejected the ideas of having parties or asking someone over, zero phone or social media conversations outside school. I get it to respect him being his unique self but can’t help worrying about the consequences in the long run. Should I push him to socialize more even it’s against his will? Explaining why it’s important to try to make friends doesn’t motivate him. Arranging “play dates” for him is age-inappropriate. Tia for any suggestions.

Does he have extracurricular activities with peers?

Yes. He gets along with others fine during activities, engaged, responsive, ... as soon as the activity end, the buddies suddenly become strangers. It almost always looks like he can’t wait to leave even though there is nothing to rush for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you find him adults to socialize with? Grandparents, aunts/uncles, old ladies in the neighborhood, or younger kids? My son is minimally interested in peers but will have longish chats with friendly neighbors, relatives, and anyone who shares his interests. It’s not the same but it’s still social connection and social practice.

He probably talks too much with encouraging adults. His dentist thinks he’s the outgoing type. Very gentle and caring with babies and toddlers. He’s a smart kid and I’m sure he’ll be able to make it look like he’s socializing if I push harder. I don’t want just the appearance and am not sure if pretending will lead to true enjoyment. It’s about acceptance in the end but he’s so young and there are still a lot I can do to help. I only wish I know the right way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of child with HFA here. According to what I have read and the lectures I have attended he absolutely needs peer friends. Chatting with adults is not the same because adults humor you and won't correct poor social skills the way peers will (sometimes a bit rudely, but still useful). I'd reach out to the school counselor, teachers, and any outside providers for input on how to get him more connected with and interested in PEERS.

Tried. The thing is that he’s not excluded and his lack of interest doesn’t impact him much right now. He’s not unhappy. I will definitely just let him be if he’s a fully grown adult. Now my fear is that he will be unhappy and it’ll be too late cause it takes time to establish relationships.

[Anonymous]

My son 9 year old ADHD/HFA son sounds quite similar. He gets along fine with kids at school but never wants to do anything outside of school with them. When I ask him about it he said it’s because he needs down time...mind you he doesn’t do a lot after school. Lucky for us he is quite close to two kids in the neighborhood so he has some friends but I feel your pain, I wish I had better advice for you,

[Anonymous]

My 13 year old son has always been this way, getting along well with everyone at school, but never asking a friend over and not socializing like other people at events. No one's ever invited him this year to parties, birthdays, etc.

He officially has severe ADHD, but also has un-diagnosed Asperger's (HFA?) tendencies. He did some social skills classes when he was 9, but it really didn't help.

[Anonymous]

Autistic people want things on their own terms. So if a person fills some need, that is one thing.

These parents who come here and say that their child with autism has a ton of friends really are misleading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do feel this is a “won’t” not a “can’t “ thing because he interacts with other kids fine during class or activities. He had kids to want him to be part of their team or join them for lunch but most of time just said “no” politely and went on his own. He rejected the ideas of having parties or asking someone over, zero phone or social media conversations outside school. I get it to respect him being his unique self but can’t help worrying about the consequences in the long run. Should I push him to socialize more even it’s against his will? Explaining why it’s important to try to make friends doesn’t motivate him. Arranging “play dates” for him is age-inappropriate. Tia for any suggestions.

Mom of HFA kid here again. We do still arrange play dates. Some of them are outings like going to the Nats game. Wrong time of year for that now but you get iget the idea: “would Johnny like to join Larlo at the Nats game two weeks from Sunday? We’d love to have him!”

Have a 10 yo and so far the only kids in our peer circle who have their own phones are kids of divorce. So parents still communicate to arrange things (based on kid interest of course).