Tween boy with HFA has no desire to socialize with peers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do feel this is a “won’t” not a “can’t “ thing because he interacts with other kids fine during class or activities. He had kids to want him to be part of their team or join them for lunch but most of time just said “no” politely and went on his own. He rejected the ideas of having parties or asking someone over, zero phone or social media conversations outside school. I get it to respect him being his unique self but can’t help worrying about the consequences in the long run. Should I push him to socialize more even it’s against his will? Explaining why it’s important to try to make friends doesn’t motivate him. Arranging “play dates” for him is age-inappropriate. Tia for any suggestions.

Does he have extracurricular activities with peers?

Yes. He gets along with others fine during activities, engaged, responsive, ... as soon as the activity end, the buddies suddenly become strangers. It almost always looks like he can’t wait to leave even though there is nothing to rush for.

Sounds like these extracurriculars might be stressful and exhausting for him, or perhaps being part of a big group creates some sensory pressure. Maybe he can't handle more social interactions beyond that? Can you cut back on one extra-curricular and try to spend that time doing 1:1 outings or at home hanging out instead?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do feel this is a “won’t” not a “can’t “ thing because he interacts with other kids fine during class or activities. He had kids to want him to be part of their team or join them for lunch but most of time just said “no” politely and went on his own. He rejected the ideas of having parties or asking someone over, zero phone or social media conversations outside school. I get it to respect him being his unique self but can’t help worrying about the consequences in the long run. Should I push him to socialize more even it’s against his will? Explaining why it’s important to try to make friends doesn’t motivate him. Arranging “play dates” for him is age-inappropriate. Tia for any suggestions.

Does he have extracurricular activities with peers?

Yes. He gets along with others fine during activities, engaged, responsive, ... as soon as the activity end, the buddies suddenly become strangers. It almost always looks like he can’t wait to leave even though there is nothing to rush for.

Sounds like these extracurriculars might be stressful and exhausting for him, or perhaps being part of a big group creates some sensory pressure. Maybe he can't handle more social interactions beyond that? Can you cut back on one extra-curricular and try to spend that time doing 1:1 outings or at home hanging out instead?

I’m not saying it’s definitely not the case, but I do feel it’s unlikely. It feels more like he’s practical on the activity but doesn’t gain much in the social aspect from the peer interactions, so he remains unattached. He seems NT when new to an activity but teammates get closer over time and he remains like he’s new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for your input. I appreciate everyone who spent time responding. It's especially comforting to hear from parents of older HFA kids. We are not new on autism and DS had ABA/floortime/RDI/ST/OT ... and benefited tremendously from the interventions. It's easy to facilitate everything when he's young because we were sure we knew better than he did and the decision we made can only do good to him. It's much trickier now. Are we staying back too much to miss some valuable opportunities? Or are we doing something out of good intention but useless or even damaging on him. In any case, getting in the HFA "circle" will help. Any information on this? TIA

Try XMinds. They may be able to connect you with other parents who have children your DC's age.

Definitely will Do. Thx a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AI is autism, CI is cognitive impairment.

The core deficit of autism is a decreased desire and/ or ability for social engagement. That is what OP is seeing. OP can seek out social skills training, but from what I have seen the doesn't move the needle on an actual desire to hang out with other kids. The sole exception is if the child wants to do some shared video game.

Holy cow! No. It. Is. Not.
Stop spreading false information about autism.
Autistic kids WANT friends as much as other children.


You are so incredibly ignorant here, im guessing you are part of the CI group

Beyond textbook definition, this is what five of the moms whose children have personally shared in our conversations. It is the parents who crave the friendship for their kids, not the kids themselves.

5 posts on dcurbanmoms does not a DSM criteria make.
There are entire website created by and for autistic people for the sole purpose of making friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AI is autism, CI is cognitive impairment.

The core deficit of autism is a decreased desire and/ or ability for social engagement. That is what OP is seeing. OP can seek out social skills training, but from what I have seen the doesn't move the needle on an actual desire to hang out with other kids. The sole exception is if the child wants to do some shared video game.

Holy cow! No. It. Is. Not.
Stop spreading false information about autism.
Autistic kids WANT friends as much as other children.


You are so incredibly ignorant here, im guessing you are part of the CI group

No, it is you my friend you are ignorant. Not all Autistic people want friends. My dd is happy to talk to someone but, does indeed does not crave friends like my NT dd does. My HFA will say to me I don't get Sarah wanting a best friend. And yet she is happy and gets socialization when she is in class and doing an activity. She had an internship and did very well.

I get it that the op wants her kid to want to have friends ( as I did too) but, I wouldn't push it. We did the socialization classes and she became an expert in the 'right' answer but, still has little desire. I think it might have something to do with the fact that she also has trouble remembering faces so she is embarrassed if she can't remember them ( just a guess though)

There is a place for everyone in this world, including your son and my dd.

To the pp above: there is a yahoo group you can connect with at

[e-mail]

To the immediate PP, you clearly lack reading comprehension skills for I did not say that ALL autistic people want friends. I said they want friends as much as NTs, and i know plenty of NTs who don't have or want close friendships. To put this for you in more simple terms which you may understand: some autistic people do not want friends. Some autistic people do want friends.

I am on the spectrum, i have immediate family members on the spectrum, 2 children on the spectrum, have discussed friendships as they pertain to autistic people and whether or not that is a requisite of diagnosis with 3 of the more highly tauted psychiatrists and neuropsychologist in this area.

I am also able to read text. It is absolutely WRONG to say that if a person wants friends they cant be autistic. It is absolutely ignorant and a misinterpretation of the DSM criteria which states that ASD can be recognized by social communication and interaction deficits. That statement is then followed by a list of how that criteria MAY be expressed. It does not state nor imply nor intend to imply that ALL autistic people have no interest in friendships.

The reason that your ignorance is dangerous is that should another parent appproach this board with a child who shows signs of ASD, but they read your erroneous statement that ASD = no interest in having friends, and their child has an interest in making friends, they might be prevented from seeking the appropriate help for their child.

Shame on you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AI is autism, CI is cognitive impairment.

The core deficit of autism is a decreased desire and/ or ability for social engagement. That is what OP is seeing. OP can seek out social skills training, but from what I have seen the doesn't move the needle on an actual desire to hang out with other kids. The sole exception is if the child wants to do some shared video game.

Holy cow! No. It. Is. Not.
Stop spreading false information about autism.
Autistic kids WANT friends as much as other children.


You are so incredibly ignorant here, im guessing you are part of the CI group

No, it is you my friend you are ignorant. Not all Autistic people want friends. My dd is happy to talk to someone but, does indeed does not crave friends like my NT dd does. My HFA will say to me I don't get Sarah wanting a best friend. And yet she is happy and gets socialization when she is in class and doing an activity. She had an internship and did very well.

I get it that the op wants her kid to want to have friends ( as I did too) but, I wouldn't push it. We did the socialization classes and she became an expert in the 'right' answer but, still has little desire. I think it might have something to do with the fact that she also has trouble remembering faces so she is embarrassed if she can't remember them ( just a guess though)

There is a place for everyone in this world, including your son and my dd.

To the pp above: there is a yahoo group you can connect with at

[e-mail]

To the immediate PP, you clearly lack reading comprehension skills for I did not say that ALL autistic people want friends. I said they want friends as much as NTs, and i know plenty of NTs who don't have or want close friendships. To put this for you in more simple terms which you may understand: some autistic people do not want friends. Some autistic people do want friends.

I am on the spectrum, i have immediate family members on the spectrum, 2 children on the spectrum, have discussed friendships as they pertain to autistic people and whether or not that is a requisite of diagnosis with 3 of the more highly tauted psychiatrists and neuropsychologist in this area.

I am also able to read text. It is absolutely WRONG to say that if a person wants friends they cant be autistic. It is absolutely ignorant and a misinterpretation of the DSM criteria which states that ASD can be recognized by social communication and interaction deficits. That statement is then followed by a list of how that criteria MAY be expressed. It does not state nor imply nor intend to imply that ALL autistic people have no interest in friendships.

The reason that your ignorance is dangerous is that should another parent appproach this board with a child who shows signs of ASD, but they read your erroneous statement that ASD = no interest in having friends, and their child has an interest in making friends, they might be prevented from seeking the appropriate help for their child.

Shame on you!

Great post! Thanks!

Our neuropsych pointed out that DS with ASD/ADHD is "very socially motivated" and he has friends through common interests like NT people. Imagine that!

So what are your child's interests, OP? A hallmark of Asperger's is obsessive interests in a subject. My tween DS loves video games, cars and electronics, chess and squash. Loves music (rap, ugh!) and fashion (shoes mostly but clothes too) - I keep up with the latest and greatest through him... Hmmmm. Sounds pretty NT now but he was obsessed with elevators when he was little. His interests have changed and most of it is due to friend/peer influence. Thank goodness, no more elevators!

[Anonymous]

Nobody is saying that people on the spectrum don't have feelings or emotional connections.

But differences in social relatedness are absolutely the core feature of autism, and this often includes less interest in socializing the way other kids do.

I'm not sure why this is even a matter of debate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is saying that people on the spectrum don't have feelings or emotional connections.

But differences in social relatedness are absolutely the core feature of autism, and this often includes less interest in socializing the way other kids do.

I'm not sure why this is even a matter of debate.

No it isn't. People on the spectrum have deficits in reading nonverbal cues not that they don't want to relate to others socially.

There is less interest in socializing because their deficit is in understanding nonverbal social cues. If you don't know how to "read" people, it is going to effect your wanting to socialize even if you want to.

ASD is not about having "less social motivation" but that their deficits in nonverbal social cues makes people makes them less able to socialize even if they want to to which most due. If you have been rebuffed by people, after a while you are going to give up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is saying that people on the spectrum don't have feelings or emotional connections.

But differences in social relatedness are absolutely the core feature of autism, and this often includes less interest in socializing the way other kids do.

I'm not sure why this is even a matter of debate.

No it isn't. People on the spectrum have deficits in reading nonverbal cues not that they don't want to relate to others socially.

There is less interest in socializing because their deficit is in understanding nonverbal social cues. If you don't know how to "read" people, it is going to effect your wanting to socialize even if you want to.

ASD is not about having "less social motivation" but that their deficits in nonverbal social cues makes them less able to socialize even if they want to which most do. If you have been rebuffed by people socially, after a while you are going to give up.

fixed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is saying that people on the spectrum don't have feelings or emotional connections.

But differences in social relatedness are absolutely the core feature of autism, and this often includes less interest in socializing the way other kids do.

I'm not sure why this is even a matter of debate.

No it isn't. People on the spectrum have deficits in reading nonverbal cues not that they don't want to relate to others socially.

There is less interest in socializing because their deficit is in understanding nonverbal social cues. If you don't know how to "read" people, it is going to effect your wanting to socialize even if you want to.

ASD is not about having "less social motivation" but that their deficits in nonverbal social cues makes people makes them less able to socialize even if they want to to which most due. If you have been rebuffed by people, after a while you are going to give up.

I think you're engaged in a ton of wishful thinking. Austism is not something that can be "cured" by expressly teaching social skills. Again, this is not to say that people with autism don't have feelings or want friends in some cases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AI is autism, CI is cognitive impairment.

The core deficit of autism is a decreased desire and/ or ability for social engagement. That is what OP is seeing. OP can seek out social skills training, but from what I have seen the doesn't move the needle on an actual desire to hang out with other kids. The sole exception is if the child wants to do some shared video game.

Holy cow! No. It. Is. Not.
Stop spreading false information about autism.
Autistic kids WANT friends as much as other children.


You are so incredibly ignorant here, im guessing you are part of the CI group

No, it is you my friend you are ignorant. Not all Autistic people want friends. My dd is happy to talk to someone but, does indeed does not crave friends like my NT dd does. My HFA will say to me I don't get Sarah wanting a best friend. And yet she is happy and gets socialization when she is in class and doing an activity. She had an internship and did very well.

I get it that the op wants her kid to want to have friends ( as I did too) but, I wouldn't push it. We did the socialization classes and she became an expert in the 'right' answer but, still has little desire. I think it might have something to do with the fact that she also has trouble remembering faces so she is embarrassed if she can't remember them ( just a guess though)

There is a place for everyone in this world, including your son and my dd.

To the pp above: there is a yahoo group you can connect with at

[e-mail]

To the immediate PP, you clearly lack reading comprehension skills for I did not say that ALL autistic people want friends. I said they want friends as much as NTs, and i know plenty of NTs who don't have or want close friendships. To put this for you in more simple terms which you may understand: some autistic people do not want friends. Some autistic people do want friends.

I am on the spectrum, i have immediate family members on the spectrum, 2 children on the spectrum, have discussed friendships as they pertain to autistic people and whether or not that is a requisite of diagnosis with 3 of the more highly tauted psychiatrists and neuropsychologist in this area.

I am also able to read text. It is absolutely WRONG to say that if a person wants friends they cant be autistic. It is absolutely ignorant and a misinterpretation of the DSM criteria which states that ASD can be recognized by social communication and interaction deficits. That statement is then followed by a list of how that criteria MAY be expressed. It does not state nor imply nor intend to imply that ALL autistic people have no interest in friendships.

The reason that your ignorance is dangerous is that should another parent appproach this board with a child who shows signs of ASD, but they read your erroneous statement that ASD = no interest in having friends, and their child has an interest in making friends, they might be prevented from seeking the appropriate help for their child.

Shame on you!

I am the pp you are shaming. The old adage is true. When you meet one person with HFA or Autism than you met one person with Autism or HFA. I am discussing my own experience with my own daughter. Great that you want to have friends but, no where in my post where I said the bolded ( it is absolutely wrong to say if a person wants friends they can't be friends) Maybe it is you with the reading comprehension problems? Either way you seem very hostile to other people's points of view or experience.

So shame on you for acting like a know it all.

[Anonymous]

ADOS, the "gold standard" autism test as we are so often told, is all about social interaction. It's the deficits in social interaction lead to an autism score on the test.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AI is autism, CI is cognitive impairment.

The core deficit of autism is a decreased desire and/ or ability for social engagement. That is what OP is seeing. OP can seek out social skills training, but from what I have seen the doesn't move the needle on an actual desire to hang out with other kids. The sole exception is if the child wants to do some shared video game.

Holy cow! No. It. Is. Not.
Stop spreading false information about autism.
Autistic kids WANT friends as much as other children.


You are so incredibly ignorant here, im guessing you are part of the CI group

No, it is you my friend you are ignorant. Not all Autistic people want friends. My dd is happy to talk to someone but, does indeed does not crave friends like my NT dd does. My HFA will say to me I don't get Sarah wanting a best friend. And yet she is happy and gets socialization when she is in class and doing an activity. She had an internship and did very well.

I get it that the op wants her kid to want to have friends ( as I did too) but, I wouldn't push it. We did the socialization classes and she became an expert in the 'right' answer but, still has little desire. I think it might have something to do with the fact that she also has trouble remembering faces so she is embarrassed if she can't remember them ( just a guess though)

There is a place for everyone in this world, including your son and my dd.

To the pp above: there is a yahoo group you can connect with at

[e-mail]

To the immediate PP, you clearly lack reading comprehension skills for I did not say that ALL autistic people want friends. I said they want friends as much as NTs, and i know plenty of NTs who don't have or want close friendships. To put this for you in more simple terms which you may understand: some autistic people do not want friends. Some autistic people do want friends.

I am on the spectrum, i have immediate family members on the spectrum, 2 children on the spectrum, have discussed friendships as they pertain to autistic people and whether or not that is a requisite of diagnosis with 3 of the more highly tauted psychiatrists and neuropsychologist in this area.

I am also able to read text. It is absolutely WRONG to say that if a person wants friends they cant be autistic. It is absolutely ignorant and a misinterpretation of the DSM criteria which states that ASD can be recognized by social communication and interaction deficits. That statement is then followed by a list of how that criteria MAY be expressed. It does not state nor imply nor intend to imply that ALL autistic people have no interest in friendships.

The reason that your ignorance is dangerous is that should another parent appproach this board with a child who shows signs of ASD, but they read your erroneous statement that ASD = no interest in having friends, and their child has an interest in making friends, they might be prevented from seeking the appropriate help for their child.

Shame on you!

I am the pp you are shaming. The old adage is true. When you meet one person with HFA or Autism than you met one person with Autism or HFA. I am discussing my own experience with my own daughter. Great that you want to have friends but, no where in my post where I said the bolded ( it is absolutely wrong to say if a person wants friends they can't be friends) Maybe it is you with the reading comprehension problems? Either way you seem very hostile to other people's points of view or experience.

So shame on you for acting like a know it all.

meant to write Autistic before you jump on me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is saying that people on the spectrum don't have feelings or emotional connections.

But differences in social relatedness are absolutely the core feature of autism, and this often includes less interest in socializing the way other kids do.

I'm not sure why this is even a matter of debate.

No it isn't. People on the spectrum have deficits in reading nonverbal cues not that they don't want to relate to others socially.

There is less interest in socializing because their deficit is in understanding nonverbal social cues. If you don't know how to "read" people, it is going to effect your wanting to socialize even if you want to.

ASD is not about having "less social motivation" but that their deficits in nonverbal social cues makes people makes them less able to socialize even if they want to to which most due. If you have been rebuffed by people, after a while you are going to give up.

I think you're engaged in a ton of wishful thinking. Austism is not something that can be "cured" by expressly teaching social skills. Again, this is not to say that people with autism don't have feelings or want friends in some cases.

Of course autism can't be cured but social skills can be taught. If they can master the skills well enough, yeah, they can appear NT if slightly "off". But yeah, they are still autistic not cured.

[Anonymous]

^the core deficits remain. But autistic people can marry, have friends, etc. It makes for a richer more functional, happy life.