Wedding shower - is this tacky???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: The etiquette mavens on here aren't all mean old biddies. I'm just southern and traditional and some things are ingrained, that's all.

Since when is "southern and traditional" the last word on social politesse? That's the thing about culture and traditions, everyone has a different way of doing things. What a southerner deems proper may seem utterly ridiculous to someone from the northwest. Certain things have been ingrained in me too, from my mid-atlantic and ethnic upbringings. I don't judge those who buck those expectations. OP, I hope you have a GREAT party!

[Anonymous]

Southern belle,

Sorry, but my in-laws are Southern, well-heeled and old-money types, and whatever other irrelevant hooey counts at debutante gatherings. I can't imagine them giving a hot hoot about someone's sister hosting a shower. In fact, I seem to remember talking about shower etiquette with my husband's old school grandma, who said "these days, those old rules don't count anymore." I'm not sure if she was happy about it or not, but she at least knew that that particular rule had gone the way of the do-do.

But if you don't believe me or DH's grandmama, here are some quotes. From theknot:

Q: Who is expected to throw my bridal shower? I was hoping it could be at my mom's house.
A: It's long been customary for the maid of honor or the bridesmaids to throw the wedding shower -- so if any one of them is your sister, you're in luck and it would be totally acceptable to throw the bridal shower at your mom's. Your mom can take on the role of cohost -- the mavens of manners no longer look down upon that as a quest for presents (after all, bridal shower gifts are usually expected no matter who's hosting).

Really, it comes down to who wants to throw you the bridal shower: your aunts, the groom's family, your mom's best friends, your college pals, even your coworkers. More brides and grooms are living in cities other than the one where they grew up, and their attendants may be from college, where they live now, or elsewhere. What if the wedding is in the bride's hometown, but none of the maids live there? It's unrealistic to expect a maid of honor in Seattle to plan a shower in Chicago without help from the locals. Faraway bridesmaids and honor attendants definitely pitch in, but Mom is often party central these days, and no one's horrified.

Here is what Emily Post says in Etiquette (p. 591):

Can a family member host the party?
It has long been considered a breach of etiquette for family members to host showers, because doing so gives the appearance of being self-serving. But it's becoming increasingly correct for family to host in certain situations, as when the bride is visiting her future in-laws and the groom's mother or sister invites hometown friends to meet her. Also, more mothers or sisters of the bride are giving showers. Today, people should be guided by individual circumstances when deciding if family members will host.

Miss Manners says it's not proper. In fact I think she said it's "offensive." But who would really get offended? Stingy giver, obviously gets offended. Southern BElle doesn't get offended, she just considers herself above you. But who cares? Why are they so offended? What earthly difference does it make if I give a shower for my sister or her friend does? She'll invite the same people, she'll get the same gifts. It's semantics. Very few people care, and the ones who do.....are probably kinda lame anyway.

[Anonymous]

Southerner here... won't refer to myself as Southern Belle even though others have. I was describing myself as southern only to explain my particular cultural context. Personally, I was taught that you don't throw a shower for family members. I know it's old-fashioned, but that's just how things were done where I grew up, and I don't mind all the rules. I kind of like them. That's just me. Therefore, if someone asks me for my opinion on the matter (which OP did, lest we forget), then my opinion is that I wouldn't do it.

Nowhere in my post did I say that I had the last word, that I was above anyone else, that the southern way is the only way, or anything like that. I specifically said that I would never do or say anything to let a hostess or guest of honor know that I would have done things differently -- never, ever, ever. But if someone asks ahead of time (on an message board!), only the people who don't care about etiquette are supposed to answer? That doesn't seem fair, nor does it seem to make sense in the spirit of a discussion board where someone has specifically asked what people think. Look, I don't care what OP and her sister do. I wouldn't do it if it were me, but it's not. Not me, not my sister, just one person's honest (and frankly, pretty diplomatic) opinion. If someone invited me to such a shower, I'd go and keep my particular, personal opinions quite to myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: The etiquette mavens on here aren't all mean old biddies. I'm just southern and traditional and some things are ingrained, that's all.

Since when is "southern and traditional" the last word on social politesse? That's the thing about culture and traditions, everyone has a different way of doing things. What a southerner deems proper may seem utterly ridiculous to someone from the northwest. Certain things have been ingrained in me too, from my mid-atlantic and ethnic upbringings. I don't judge those who buck those expectations. OP, I hope you have a GREAT party!

Ingrained? Love it. OP, if your friends aren't old southern, traditional, unsophisticated, backward women from hot, sticky, nowhere USA, then go ahead and do what you want.

[Anonymous]

Why so mean? I wasn't mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Southerner here... won't refer to myself as Southern Belle even though others have. I was describing myself as southern only to explain my particular cultural context. Personally, I was taught that you don't throw a shower for family members. I know it's old-fashioned, but that's just how things were done where I grew up, and I don't mind all the rules. I kind of like them. That's just me. Therefore, if someone asks me for my opinion on the matter (which OP did, lest we forget), then my opinion is that I wouldn't do it.

Nowhere in my post did I say that I had the last word, that I was above anyone else, that the southern way is the only way, or anything like that. I specifically said that I would never do or say anything to let a hostess or guest of honor know that I would have done things differently -- never, ever, ever. But if someone asks ahead of time (on an message board!), only the people who don't care about etiquette are supposed to answer? That doesn't seem fair, nor does it seem to make sense in the spirit of a discussion board where someone has specifically asked what people think. Look, I don't care what OP and her sister do. I wouldn't do it if it were me, but it's not. Not me, not my sister, just one person's honest (and frankly, pretty diplomatic) opinion. If someone invited me to such a shower, I'd go and keep my particular, personal opinions quite to myself.

Really? You would attend and "keep your particular, personal opinions quite to yourself?" So you would feel superior to your friend who invited you to the shower?

I'm not sure what manners books you read, but times have changed as women have moved across the country and the world to (gasp) accept new and exciting jobs in different cities. People are very transitory these days. Maybe where you come from, people stay in the same small towns for their entire lives. But most people move at least several times in their lives these days, and they have to start over each time. Which is why our lives are so rich and interesting.

SO, for most of us, we love to be invited to untraditional gatherings of all sorts - people are different everywhere, which makes life so interesting. The most important thing is to attend with an open mind and lots of good will. Going to a shower and looking down on someone seems petty and small-minded. But then again, when you keep talking about your southern heritage, it's what many people think of you anyhow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want to throw a celebration, have a luncheon or a tea or a spa day or a dinner party or a girls' night. Then you can throw it for yourself and your sister and all's well.
It's the shower (i.e., presents) parts that you're not supposed to host for yourself or your sister (or your daughter).

What this PP said. And RELAX about it.

[Anonymous]

Really? You would attend and "keep your particular, personal opinions quite to yourself?" So you would feel superior to your friend who invited you to the shower?

I'm not sure what manners books you read, but times have changed as women have moved across the country and the world to (gasp) accept new and exciting jobs in different cities. People are very transitory these days. Maybe where you come from, people stay in the same small towns for their entire lives. But most people move at least several times in their lives these days, and they have to start over each time. Which is why our lives are so rich and interesting.

SO, for most of us, we love to be invited to untraditional gatherings of all sorts - people are different everywhere, which makes life so interesting. The most important thing is to attend with an open mind and lots of good will. Going to a shower and looking down on someone seems petty and small-minded. But then again, when you keep talking about your southern heritage, it's what many people think of you anyhow.

I don't understand the hostility. I never said I thought I was superior to anyone; in fact, I said just the opposite. I will say it again: I do not think that my way is the only way and I do not feel superior to anyone for how they throw a shower. For some reason on this board, "etiquette" and "southern" are lightning rods. All I said was, if someone asks me on an anonymous message board, I'm happy to volunteer that my personal background (which just happens to be southern) leads me to vote "no" on throwing a shower for yourself or your sister. I know it's old-fashioned. I don't know why that makes people so hateful. And why the dig about staying in the same small town and (gasp) how other people have new and exciting jobs? I live in D.C. now, don't I?

I am not petty or small-minded. Personally, I like old-fashioned etiquette rules. I don't care if you do, and I don't look down on anyone for it. I was not mean, and I'm not sure why people had to be so mean in response.

[Anonymous]

"Do you want the presents or do you just want to celebrate? If you just want to celebrate, don't call it a shower.
If you want the presents, call it a shower and realize that some people will think you're tacky. Decide whether you'd rather be tackiness-proof or presentless.
I admit that I am one of those people who doesn't think people or their families should throw their own showers, to the extent that when a bride-to-be's mother invited me to a lunch for the b-to-b, I didn't bring a shower present. I brought a present, but it was a decidedly un-shower-y book. Oops. "

OMG do you have any idea how snotty you behaved and completely opposite from the kindness that etiquette is intended to create?? You sound proud of yourself. If your friend is nice she probably did not even notice your slight and thanked you graciously for bringing a present even though your intent was to tick her off. Its very ironic that some of the people most into etiquette are also the rudest and nastiest.

Poster here -- sorry, I wasn't clear: I didn't know it was a shower! That was my point -- because I've had certain things drummed into me, it just never occurred to me that the lunch was really a shower. (Hence the "Oops." I'm not going to use a social occasion as a chance to beat my notions of etiquette into someone.) I brought a present because I thought my friend would like the book.

And she wrote a lovely thank you, because she is a lovely person.

Although now everyone can argue about whether thank-yous are unnecessary . . . .

My larger point is that people have certain expectations and reactions, and you need to figure whether you want to accommodate them, and how far. Make a decision and own it. Good practice for parenthood, actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is bad taste for family members to throw showers for family members. Too self serving.

"Formal etiquette dictates that a non-relative must throw the shower to avoid having it look as though the family is asking for presents."

This is crazy! I have never been to a shower that is not hosted by a mom/aunt/sister etc. I too just recently moved here. If you want to celebrate this exciting news, you should do it in whatever manner will make you happy. It's awful not having friends and family nearby at a time like this and if you continue to worry about what is "right" you'll miss out on enjoying the moment! Throw the party and have fun!

[Anonymous]

Exactly.

"Southern" has NOTHING to do with the price of tea in China, BTW. But I wouldn't brag about it.

[Anonymous]

No one was bragging about being southern, but people sure did jump on that as an excuse to be insulting.

[Anonymous]

I recently went to a pregnancy party (my term, not the expectant parents') which was an evening party, hosted by the future grandparents and which was held in the home of good friends of the pregnant woman. It was a coed cocktail party where they served dinner and it was lovely. Just like a regular party except some people did bring gifts.
I agree with one of the PP's when they said that people *want* to give you gifts (most people, anyway), especially if they are your good friends. I am an older pregnant lady (relatively) and figured I just wouldn't have a shower or register or anything like that and I can't even tell you how many people have asked where I'm registered! People just like to celebrate a happy occasion and I don't think they particularly care--for the most part--who hosts or how it's presented.
Just have a fun party with your sister and celebrate this exciting time for both of you. If you don't have a third party who is willing to send out invites, I think your idea is cute. Your friends/family know you best and they know your personalities. And you will know if this is something they would appreciate. If you want to make it a true "shower", that's ok too, just do what you think is best. You said you didn't really care about the gifts so you don't necessarily need to ask for them--people will bring them anyway. And have fun!!
p.s. FWIW, as someone who tried to get pregnant for a long time and did several rounds of IVF, I think it's very thoughtful of you not to insist the best friend do this. It says a lot about you that you recognize her struggle.

[Anonymous]

I am southern and am proud of it. Most of you south-bashers have never even been there. I've been all over this country, and the south is definitely the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am southern and am proud of it. Most of you south-bashers have never even been there. I've been all over this country, and the south is definitely the best.

Exactly! (Well except for you saying most of the bashers have never been to the south. That's over-reaching considering most of the people on this board live and work here) I'm from VA and I agree, us southerners have nothing to be ashamed of.