His family likes me more than he does

[Anonymous]

OP, for perspective. DH and I are 50. We have been married for almost 30 years. He has never turned down sex. Not one single time in 30 plus years. He could be half dead and would still want sex.

[Anonymous]

OP - I was in a similar situation, but maybe not as overt. We were married for 10 years + 2 kids when he dropped that he was having an affair and wanted a divorce because....there was no passion, butterflies, and he (now) feels like it was a mistake from the beginning since we lacked (for him) that connection. Take heed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I was in a similar situation, but maybe not as overt. We were married for 10 years + 2 kids when he dropped that he was having an affair and wanted a divorce because....there was no passion, butterflies, and he (now) feels like it was a mistake from the beginning since we lacked (for him) that connection. Take heed.

Was he having an affair with a man?

[Anonymous]

Man here.

Is he gay? I'm not asking that in the macho, dismissive way, but I don't know any guy who turns down sex with his girlfriend often. Even if he was insecure or had performance anxiety, it wouldn't be like that. Also, as a 36 year old man, I can't see me being with someone just because my family likes them. That's a huge red flag. But back to sex...who turns it down? Now, if I weren't attracted to you physically...maybe. But if you started doing...things...I wouldn't stop you. It may suck for you because I wouldn't put a lot of effort into it, but I wouldn't stop you.

I think he's gay. Even if he isn't...why would you settle for someone like this guy. He sounds terrible.

[Anonymous]

Religious, religious family, turns you down for sex. You are his beard in order to comfortably remain in the closet. Gay gay gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's gay.

What? Why do you think that??

Because he turns you down for sex.

When someone turns down sex that makes them gay? Here we go classic DCUM

No, but a guy in his 30’s saying he’s not in the mood 50% of the time is a redflag. Either he’s gay ir he’s not into you. This sounds like duty sex.

DCUM-think can never get beyond "he's gay or not into you" as the sole possible reasons a man would turn down/not initiate sex. Of course those are on the list, but sex drive can also be affected by depression; other mental health issues; medications (of many kinds); illegal drug use or misuse of prescription drugs; issues in upbringing or religion that make the man feel guilty about wanting sex; and (though most PPs won't believe this exists) low libido/low T problems....But here on these threads, the usual lack of subtlety always wins: Gay or not into you.

In OP's case, I have no idea what's up with her boyfriend, but OP--you need to tell him exactly what you said here. Have you sat down and told him frankly that you see he seems uninterested in sex and is distant? Have you addressed the idea that he may be with you because you satisfy his family? And is keeping them off his case his priority? Yes, your sexual incompatibility is a serious problem, but the idea of marrying a guy who wants you because at last he's found someone his family approves of--that's a setup for even worse problems than a lack of sex. Sex you can work on together IF you're both willing to try and maybe get sex therapy. (Is he?) But if his family would be all over your marriage, even if they adore you -- that's harder, because changing that dynamic means changing behaviors in several other people who aren't inside your relationship. That doesn't work, period, unless maybe you and he move far away from his family geographically.

Have a very frank talk. If you feel you can't talk to him about what you wrote here, you and he are not communicating like a couple should. If you fear upsetting him or fear losing him if you're honest with him--you and he aren't going to last, unless maybe you both commit fully to couples therapy.

Do not marry him until the issues you posted about are dealt with. Or else you'll end up married to his family, never truly married to him.

[Anonymous]

Having that talk would be great, BUT do not assume that he can admit or even knows his own motivations or issues. You have the data that you need to make the best decision for you. Decide whether you really want to marry the man that he is, as opposed to the one that you can talk him into being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He turns you down??? That's the clue!

Why would he stay with me for 4 years and start talking marriage, moving in together and kids?

oh you are cute and naive. He has found a woman to act as "beard" to his family. He also gets to be in denial a bit longer. This guy is gay. thats fine. But its not OK for him to use you while he works through this. I knew a mormon guy just like this. After he had a couple of kids, divorced. And now he is legally married to a man. Don't think he has much relationship with his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Religious, religious family, turns you down for sex. You are his beard in order to comfortably remain in the closet. Gay gay gay.

What is a beard??

[Anonymous]

What is a beard??

A slang term for a woman a gay man marries to maintain the illusion he's straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if you married him, eventually he would wind up divorcing you. So personally, I would not bother marrying him. I would break up and find someone who loves me as much as or more than I love them.

He is quite religious and does not believe in divorce. Literally not one person in his family is divorced.

The same thing could be said for my ex-husband who walked out on me and my two very young children. Not saying he would divorce you. Maybe you'd divorce him. Either way, run. Do not marry this man.

[Anonymous]

I had a college friend who this happened to. He frequently turned her down because he said his medication suppressed his libido. We told her that he didn't seem normal to us - side note: our gaydar goes off sometimes but we don't want to upset her and lose a friend. They dated for 5 years, she converted to Judaism, they got married, somehow had a kid. She got drunk a few weekends ago on a girls trip and let it slip that he had some gay porn on his computer so she wonders if he is bi. He maybe or he's gay with a beard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

In OP's case, I have no idea what's up with her boyfriend, but OP--you need to tell him exactly what you said here. Have you sat down and told him frankly that you see he seems uninterested in sex and is distant? Have you addressed the idea that he may be with you because you satisfy his family? And is keeping them off his case his priority? Yes, your sexual incompatibility is a serious problem, but the idea of marrying a guy who wants you because at last he's found someone his family approves of--that's a setup for even worse problems than a lack of sex. Sex you can work on together IF you're both willing to try and maybe get sex therapy. (Is he?) But if his family would be all over your marriage, even if they adore you -- that's harder, because changing that dynamic means changing behaviors in several other people who aren't inside your relationship. That doesn't work, period, unless maybe you and he move far away from his family geographically.

Have a very frank talk. If you feel you can't talk to him about what you wrote here, you and he are not communicating like a couple should. If you fear upsetting him or fear losing him if you're honest with him--you and he aren't going to last, unless maybe you both commit fully to couples therapy.

Do not marry him until the issues you posted about are dealt with. Or else you'll end up married to his family, never truly married to him.

^ This.

Listen to this advice here regarding better communication and marriage to him (not the family).