Donating our embryos through an open placement -- AMA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about the fact that you are likely creating a trauma for any kids that result from this "donation"? Any adoption, no matter how loving and secure, is a trauma for the child, knowing that his/her bio parents couldn't or wouldn't take care of him.

OP here.

Is this a serious question? Seems kinda troll-like.

OP did you research adoption at all before you did this?

OP here.

I researched adoption a bit, but only some of the issues overlap with embryo donation. Much of what's out there about baby adoption is somewhat off for this particular type of arrangement.

The agency provides a thorough set of FAQs for both the donors and adopters, and we read all of that info.

Here are two tremendous differences between baby adoption and embryo donation:

1. Our embryos aren't babies.
2. I won't carry the embryo until it becomes a baby.

I imagine that any future child will take heart in knowing that my husband and I didn't place him/her up for adoption. Rather, we're giving embryos a chance at becoming a baby.

I'm truly just a cell donor. The adopting mother will not only raise the child, by gestating a baby she will also create a biological link to the child. New-ish research shows that a gestational mother's DNA influences a baby's genes. Isn't that amazing!

\

If you truly don't think the embryos are babies, then I'm not sure why you're wading into this ethical quagmire. At the very least, it seems like you'd go into it with WAY lowered expectations for what kind of contact you'll have with the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about the fact that you are likely creating a trauma for any kids that result from this "donation"? Any adoption, no matter how loving and secure, is a trauma for the child, knowing that his/her bio parents couldn't or wouldn't take care of him.

OP here.

Is this a serious question? Seems kinda troll-like.

I did not write this question but it does not seem far-fetched to me that a child could wonder why wasn't s/he wanted by his own parents. Does not seem troll-like in the least. Hopefully the kids would not think that way, but it's certainly within the realm of possibility.

I wrote that question. Not a troll at all. I have embryos myself in storage. If you haven't considered this question, you should.

OP here.

Since you say you're sincere, I'll take your question at face value.

We thought about this issue, and didn't weigh it heavily. We guessed that any trauma would likely be minor, if existent at all. We are OK with creating a bit of trauma if it means that a kid gets to live and the adopting family gets to become parents.

You seem very naive about adoption and it's affect on the adoptee.

OP here.

You may be right. I'll report back in five or so years and let you know how the kid is doing. Fingers crossed!

You are just showing yourself to be more and more naive. On what planet do you think you'll have the kind of access to this child that will allow you to know "how the kid is doing"? You won't. Realistically you'll be very lucky to get one picture a year, if that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about the fact that you are likely creating a trauma for any kids that result from this "donation"? Any adoption, no matter how loving and secure, is a trauma for the child, knowing that his/her bio parents couldn't or wouldn't take care of him.

OP here.

Is this a serious question? Seems kinda troll-like.

OP did you research adoption at all before you did this?

OP here.

I researched adoption a bit, but only some of the issues overlap with embryo donation. Much of what's out there about baby adoption is somewhat off for this particular type of arrangement.

The agency provides a thorough set of FAQs for both the donors and adopters, and we read all of that info.

Here are two tremendous differences between baby adoption and embryo donation:

1. Our embryos aren't babies.
2. I won't carry the embryo until it becomes a baby.

I imagine that any future child will take heart in knowing that my husband and I didn't place him/her up for adoption. Rather, we're giving embryos a chance at becoming a baby.

I'm truly just a cell donor. The adopting mother will not only raise the child, by gestating a baby she will also create a biological link to the child. New-ish research shows that a gestational mother's DNA influences a baby's genes. Isn't that amazing!

\

If you truly don't think the embryos are babies, then I'm not sure why you're wading into this ethical quagmire. At the very least, it seems like you'd go into it with WAY lowered expectations for what kind of contact you'll have with the child.

NP, but can't you accept that there's a bit of grey area here in terms of emotions and biological relationships? I also don't believe that embryos are babies, but also can completely understand how one feels a connection to their embryos and can imagine a connection between her children (who she's raising) and the "could have been my child". OP seems to respect the the existing and potential human beings touched by this decision, and has made (in my opinion) a commendable decision to grant another couple the opportunity to be parents, while also helping to fill in the gaps that such a donation might leave in the resulting child's psyche.

I have a daughter conceived of by my own egg and husband's sperm, but a second child for us would mean DE. I'm actually leaning towards an embryo donation if we end up looking to expand our family, because I want my children to truly believe that the egg and sperm are ultimately minimal factors in the definition of family (for us, at least). Using just DE sends a more mixed message (like, genes don't matter and you're still Mom's child, but they kind of do, so we still wanted Dad's sperm). I'm still puzzling through all of this personally but I would welcome an opportunity to work with someone like OP to complete our family. (and I'm Jewish, so I appreciate the perspective of using a Christian agency when you're not actually Christian).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about the fact that you are likely creating a trauma for any kids that result from this "donation"? Any adoption, no matter how loving and secure, is a trauma for the child, knowing that his/her bio parents couldn't or wouldn't take care of him.

OP here.

Is this a serious question? Seems kinda troll-like.

OP did you research adoption at all before you did this?

OP here.

I researched adoption a bit, but only some of the issues overlap with embryo donation. Much of what's out there about baby adoption is somewhat off for this particular type of arrangement.

The agency provides a thorough set of FAQs for both the donors and adopters, and we read all of that info.

Here are two tremendous differences between baby adoption and embryo donation:

1. Our embryos aren't babies.
2. I won't carry the embryo until it becomes a baby.

I imagine that any future child will take heart in knowing that my husband and I didn't place him/her up for adoption. Rather, we're giving embryos a chance at becoming a baby.

I'm truly just a cell donor. The adopting mother will not only raise the child, by gestating a baby she will also create a biological link to the child. New-ish research shows that a gestational mother's DNA influences a baby's genes. Isn't that amazing!

OP, I'm the person who asked the top question again. I'm honestly having a hard time understanding why not being the person carrying these embryos to term changes anything about the fact that this is an adoption with almost all the concerns that any adoption would entail.

I'm not criticizing your decision to donate. I'm just trying to understand the thought process and really contemplate all the potential reactions and responses from the adoptees. Just because you consider yourself just a cell donor doesn't mean that these potential kids will see it that way or not have conflicting feelings about the situation. So that's the genesis of my questions on this issue, because I've spent many hours thinking about it.

OP here.

Let's suppose that a child created from our embryos feels the typical stresses that go along with a standard baby adoption. Except in unusual circumstances, that child is better off alive than hanging out in a petri dish, being thawed, being used for science, or undergoing a compassionate transfer.

Life is stressful, and frequently we don't get to choose the burdens we bear. If I could wave a magic wand, perhaps I'd take away a future kid's possible pain from knowing we donated him as an embryo. But I only have my inner guide that tells me that a future kid would appreciate being given a chance at life, even if that life involved some psychological discomfort.

In short: The donation may mean emotional pain for the future kid, and I'm OK with that because the kid will get a chance to live.

Am I getting to the heart of your question?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about the fact that you are likely creating a trauma for any kids that result from this "donation"? Any adoption, no matter how loving and secure, is a trauma for the child, knowing that his/her bio parents couldn't or wouldn't take care of him.

OP here.

Is this a serious question? Seems kinda troll-like.

OP did you research adoption at all before you did this?

OP here.

I researched adoption a bit, but only some of the issues overlap with embryo donation. Much of what's out there about baby adoption is somewhat off for this particular type of arrangement.

The agency provides a thorough set of FAQs for both the donors and adopters, and we read all of that info.

Here are two tremendous differences between baby adoption and embryo donation:

1. Our embryos aren't babies.
2. I won't carry the embryo until it becomes a baby.

I imagine that any future child will take heart in knowing that my husband and I didn't place him/her up for adoption. Rather, we're giving embryos a chance at becoming a baby.

I'm truly just a cell donor. The adopting mother will not only raise the child, by gestating a baby she will also create a biological link to the child. New-ish research shows that a gestational mother's DNA influences a baby's genes. Isn't that amazing!

\

If you truly don't think the embryos are babies, then I'm not sure why you're wading into this ethical quagmire. At the very least, it seems like you'd go into it with WAY lowered expectations for what kind of contact you'll have with the child.

OP here.

At this point, we expect to only receive annual updates. However, the agency will also be in touch with the adopting family to monitor the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about the fact that you are likely creating a trauma for any kids that result from this "donation"? Any adoption, no matter how loving and secure, is a trauma for the child, knowing that his/her bio parents couldn't or wouldn't take care of him.

OP here.

Is this a serious question? Seems kinda troll-like.

I did not write this question but it does not seem far-fetched to me that a child could wonder why wasn't s/he wanted by his own parents. Does not seem troll-like in the least. Hopefully the kids would not think that way, but it's certainly within the realm of possibility.

I wrote that question. Not a troll at all. I have embryos myself in storage. If you haven't considered this question, you should.

OP here.

Since you say you're sincere, I'll take your question at face value.

We thought about this issue, and didn't weigh it heavily. We guessed that any trauma would likely be minor, if existent at all. We are OK with creating a bit of trauma if it means that a kid gets to live and the adopting family gets to become parents.

You seem very naive about adoption and it's affect on the adoptee.

OP here.

You may be right. I'll report back in five or so years and let you know how the kid is doing. Fingers crossed!

You are just showing yourself to be more and more naive. On what planet do you think you'll have the kind of access to this child that will allow you to know "how the kid is doing"? You won't. Realistically you'll be very lucky to get one picture a year, if that.

OP here.

You may be right in that the information we receive will be incomplete.

All I can say is that we believe that the adopting parents are good people and expect them to honor the contract, based on their expressed attitudes.

The agency will also monitor any future kids.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound so lovely and thoughtful, and you are spreading a lot of love in your choices. Congrats.

Many of the PPs seems to have a lot of discomfort in living the gray area, defining risk, and not knowing outcomes. Although these unique circumstances beg for interesting and open questions to those ends, most of these questions could easily relate to anyone's "normal" or more mundane lives. PPs are asking about trauma. Well, in my dark places, I look at my child and wonder if something traumatic will happen to him that could change him forever. These are the awful things we get up and live with everyday. But we also get these incredible moments where, for example, a family out there wants a baby so badly and now not only gets a chance, but will hopefully be able to experience pregnancy and birth! Something I am sure they are praying for.

Thanks for doing this.

[Anonymous]

OP, just wanted to say that I wish I was your friend. You sound so nice and even-keeled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about the fact that you are likely creating a trauma for any kids that result from this "donation"? Any adoption, no matter how loving and secure, is a trauma for the child, knowing that his/her bio parents couldn't or wouldn't take care of him.

OP here.

Is this a serious question? Seems kinda troll-like.

OP did you research adoption at all before you did this?

OP here.

I researched adoption a bit, but only some of the issues overlap with embryo donation. Much of what's out there about baby adoption is somewhat off for this particular type of arrangement.

The agency provides a thorough set of FAQs for both the donors and adopters, and we read all of that info.

Here are two tremendous differences between baby adoption and embryo donation:

1. Our embryos aren't babies.
2. I won't carry the embryo until it becomes a baby.

I imagine that any future child will take heart in knowing that my husband and I didn't place him/her up for adoption. Rather, we're giving embryos a chance at becoming a baby.

I'm truly just a cell donor. The adopting mother will not only raise the child, by gestating a baby she will also create a biological link to the child. New-ish research shows that a gestational mother's DNA influences a baby's genes. Isn't that amazing!

OP, I'm the person who asked the top question again. I'm honestly having a hard time understanding why not being the person carrying these embryos to term changes anything about the fact that this is an adoption with almost all the concerns that any adoption would entail.

I'm not criticizing your decision to donate. I'm just trying to understand the thought process and really contemplate all the potential reactions and responses from the adoptees. Just because you consider yourself just a cell donor doesn't mean that these potential kids will see it that way or not have conflicting feelings about the situation. So that's the genesis of my questions on this issue, because I've spent many hours thinking about it.

OP here.

Let's suppose that a child created from our embryos feels the typical stresses that go along with a standard baby adoption. Except in unusual circumstances, that child is better off alive than hanging out in a petri dish, being thawed, being used for science, or undergoing a compassionate transfer.

Life is stressful, and frequently we don't get to choose the burdens we bear. If I could wave a magic wand, perhaps I'd take away a future kid's possible pain from knowing we donated him as an embryo. But I only have my inner guide that tells me that a future kid would appreciate being given a chance at life, even if that life involved some psychological discomfort.

In short: The donation may mean emotional pain for the future kid, and I'm OK with that because the kid will get a chance to live.

Am I getting to the heart of your question?

Yes, thank you. You seem very un-stressed about uncertainty, which I'm envious of. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about the fact that you are likely creating a trauma for any kids that result from this "donation"? Any adoption, no matter how loving and secure, is a trauma for the child, knowing that his/her bio parents couldn't or wouldn't take care of him.

OP here.

Is this a serious question? Seems kinda troll-like.

OP did you research adoption at all before you did this?

OP here.

I researched adoption a bit, but only some of the issues overlap with embryo donation. Much of what's out there about baby adoption is somewhat off for this particular type of arrangement.

The agency provides a thorough set of FAQs for both the donors and adopters, and we read all of that info.

Here are two tremendous differences between baby adoption and embryo donation:

1. Our embryos aren't babies.
2. I won't carry the embryo until it becomes a baby.

I imagine that any future child will take heart in knowing that my husband and I didn't place him/her up for adoption. Rather, we're giving embryos a chance at becoming a baby.

I'm truly just a cell donor. The adopting mother will not only raise the child, by gestating a baby she will also create a biological link to the child. New-ish research shows that a gestational mother's DNA influences a baby's genes. Isn't that amazing!

\

If you truly don't think the embryos are babies, then I'm not sure why you're wading into this ethical quagmire. At the very least, it seems like you'd go into it with WAY lowered expectations for what kind of contact you'll have with the child.

NP, but can't you accept that there's a bit of grey area here in terms of emotions and biological relationships? I also don't believe that embryos are babies, but also can completely understand how one feels a connection to their embryos and can imagine a connection between her children (who she's raising) and the "could have been my child". OP seems to respect the the existing and potential human beings touched by this decision, and has made (in my opinion) a commendable decision to grant another couple the opportunity to be parents, while also helping to fill in the gaps that such a donation might leave in the resulting child's psyche.

I have a daughter conceived of by my own egg and husband's sperm, but a second child for us would mean DE. I'm actually leaning towards an embryo donation if we end up looking to expand our family, because I want my children to truly believe that the egg and sperm are ultimately minimal factors in the definition of family (for us, at least). Using just DE sends a more mixed message (like, genes don't matter and you're still Mom's child, but they kind of do, so we still wanted Dad's sperm). I'm still puzzling through all of this personally but I would welcome an opportunity to work with someone like OP to complete our family. (and I'm Jewish, so I appreciate the perspective of using a Christian agency when you're not actually Christian).

that's entirely too neat a viewpoint. yes, OP is commendable for deciding to donate to another family; but she's donating to a family that could afford to make their own embryos, so she's not actually giving them the "opportunity to be parents." and it's just a fantasy to think that OP can mitigate now any potential trauma caused by the adoption. she'd have more integrity if she admitted she doesn't know what the risk is, but thinks that the benefits of the children being created outweigh the risks to the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about the fact that you are likely creating a trauma for any kids that result from this "donation"? Any adoption, no matter how loving and secure, is a trauma for the child, knowing that his/her bio parents couldn't or wouldn't take care of him.

OP here.

Is this a serious question? Seems kinda troll-like.

OP did you research adoption at all before you did this?

OP here.

I researched adoption a bit, but only some of the issues overlap with embryo donation. Much of what's out there about baby adoption is somewhat off for this particular type of arrangement.

The agency provides a thorough set of FAQs for both the donors and adopters, and we read all of that info.

Here are two tremendous differences between baby adoption and embryo donation:

1. Our embryos aren't babies.
2. I won't carry the embryo until it becomes a baby.

I imagine that any future child will take heart in knowing that my husband and I didn't place him/her up for adoption. Rather, we're giving embryos a chance at becoming a baby.

I'm truly just a cell donor. The adopting mother will not only raise the child, by gestating a baby she will also create a biological link to the child. New-ish research shows that a gestational mother's DNA influences a baby's genes. Isn't that amazing!

OP, I'm the person who asked the top question again. I'm honestly having a hard time understanding why not being the person carrying these embryos to term changes anything about the fact that this is an adoption with almost all the concerns that any adoption would entail.

I'm not criticizing your decision to donate. I'm just trying to understand the thought process and really contemplate all the potential reactions and responses from the adoptees. Just because you consider yourself just a cell donor doesn't mean that these potential kids will see it that way or not have conflicting feelings about the situation. So that's the genesis of my questions on this issue, because I've spent many hours thinking about it.

OP here.

Let's suppose that a child created from our embryos feels the typical stresses that go along with a standard baby adoption. Except in unusual circumstances, that child is better off alive than hanging out in a petri dish, being thawed, being used for science, or undergoing a compassionate transfer.

Life is stressful, and frequently we don't get to choose the burdens we bear. If I could wave a magic wand, perhaps I'd take away a future kid's possible pain from knowing we donated him as an embryo. But I only have my inner guide that tells me that a future kid would appreciate being given a chance at life, even if that life involved some psychological discomfort.

In short: The donation may mean emotional pain for the future kid, and I'm OK with that because the kid will get a chance to live.

Am I getting to the heart of your question?

Are you anti-abortion, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about the fact that you are likely creating a trauma for any kids that result from this "donation"? Any adoption, no matter how loving and secure, is a trauma for the child, knowing that his/her bio parents couldn't or wouldn't take care of him.

OP here.

Is this a serious question? Seems kinda troll-like.

OP did you research adoption at all before you did this?

OP here.

I researched adoption a bit, but only some of the issues overlap with embryo donation. Much of what's out there about baby adoption is somewhat off for this particular type of arrangement.

The agency provides a thorough set of FAQs for both the donors and adopters, and we read all of that info.

Here are two tremendous differences between baby adoption and embryo donation:

1. Our embryos aren't babies.
2. I won't carry the embryo until it becomes a baby.

I imagine that any future child will take heart in knowing that my husband and I didn't place him/her up for adoption. Rather, we're giving embryos a chance at becoming a baby.

I'm truly just a cell donor. The adopting mother will not only raise the child, by gestating a baby she will also create a biological link to the child. New-ish research shows that a gestational mother's DNA influences a baby's genes. Isn't that amazing!

\

If you truly don't think the embryos are babies, then I'm not sure why you're wading into this ethical quagmire. At the very least, it seems like you'd go into it with WAY lowered expectations for what kind of contact you'll have with the child.

OP here.

At this point, we expect to only receive annual updates. However, the agency will also be in touch with the adopting family to monitor the child.

What? no. That's not how this works. Neither you nor the agency has any right to "monitor the child."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about the fact that you are likely creating a trauma for any kids that result from this "donation"? Any adoption, no matter how loving and secure, is a trauma for the child, knowing that his/her bio parents couldn't or wouldn't take care of him.

OP here.

Is this a serious question? Seems kinda troll-like.

OP did you research adoption at all before you did this?

OP here.

I researched adoption a bit, but only some of the issues overlap with embryo donation. Much of what's out there about baby adoption is somewhat off for this particular type of arrangement.

The agency provides a thorough set of FAQs for both the donors and adopters, and we read all of that info.

Here are two tremendous differences between baby adoption and embryo donation:

1. Our embryos aren't babies.
2. I won't carry the embryo until it becomes a baby.

I imagine that any future child will take heart in knowing that my husband and I didn't place him/her up for adoption. Rather, we're giving embryos a chance at becoming a baby.

I'm truly just a cell donor. The adopting mother will not only raise the child, by gestating a baby she will also create a biological link to the child. New-ish research shows that a gestational mother's DNA influences a baby's genes. Isn't that amazing!

\

If you truly don't think the embryos are babies, then I'm not sure why you're wading into this ethical quagmire. At the very least, it seems like you'd go into it with WAY lowered expectations for what kind of contact you'll have with the child.

NP, but can't you accept that there's a bit of grey area here in terms of emotions and biological relationships? I also don't believe that embryos are babies, but also can completely understand how one feels a connection to their embryos and can imagine a connection between her children (who she's raising) and the "could have been my child". OP seems to respect the the existing and potential human beings touched by this decision, and has made (in my opinion) a commendable decision to grant another couple the opportunity to be parents, while also helping to fill in the gaps that such a donation might leave in the resulting child's psyche.

I have a daughter conceived of by my own egg and husband's sperm, but a second child for us would mean DE. I'm actually leaning towards an embryo donation if we end up looking to expand our family, because I want my children to truly believe that the egg and sperm are ultimately minimal factors in the definition of family (for us, at least). Using just DE sends a more mixed message (like, genes don't matter and you're still Mom's child, but they kind of do, so we still wanted Dad's sperm). I'm still puzzling through all of this personally but I would welcome an opportunity to work with someone like OP to complete our family. (and I'm Jewish, so I appreciate the perspective of using a Christian agency when you're not actually Christian).

that's entirely too neat a viewpoint. yes, OP is commendable for deciding to donate to another family; but she's donating to a family that could afford to make their own embryos, so she's not actually giving them the "opportunity to be parents." and it's just a fantasy to think that OP can mitigate now any potential trauma caused by the adoption. she'd have more integrity if she admitted she doesn't know what the risk is, but thinks that the benefits of the children being created outweigh the risks to the child.

she is saying exactly that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about the fact that you are likely creating a trauma for any kids that result from this "donation"? Any adoption, no matter how loving and secure, is a trauma for the child, knowing that his/her bio parents couldn't or wouldn't take care of him.

OP here.

Is this a serious question? Seems kinda troll-like.

OP did you research adoption at all before you did this?

OP here.

I researched adoption a bit, but only some of the issues overlap with embryo donation. Much of what's out there about baby adoption is somewhat off for this particular type of arrangement.

The agency provides a thorough set of FAQs for both the donors and adopters, and we read all of that info.

Here are two tremendous differences between baby adoption and embryo donation:

1. Our embryos aren't babies.
2. I won't carry the embryo until it becomes a baby.

I imagine that any future child will take heart in knowing that my husband and I didn't place him/her up for adoption. Rather, we're giving embryos a chance at becoming a baby.

I'm truly just a cell donor. The adopting mother will not only raise the child, by gestating a baby she will also create a biological link to the child. New-ish research shows that a gestational mother's DNA influences a baby's genes. Isn't that amazing!

\

If you truly don't think the embryos are babies, then I'm not sure why you're wading into this ethical quagmire. At the very least, it seems like you'd go into it with WAY lowered expectations for what kind of contact you'll have with the child.

NP, but can't you accept that there's a bit of grey area here in terms of emotions and biological relationships? I also don't believe that embryos are babies, but also can completely understand how one feels a connection to their embryos and can imagine a connection between her children (who she's raising) and the "could have been my child". OP seems to respect the the existing and potential human beings touched by this decision, and has made (in my opinion) a commendable decision to grant another couple the opportunity to be parents, while also helping to fill in the gaps that such a donation might leave in the resulting child's psyche.

I have a daughter conceived of by my own egg and husband's sperm, but a second child for us would mean DE. I'm actually leaning towards an embryo donation if we end up looking to expand our family, because I want my children to truly believe that the egg and sperm are ultimately minimal factors in the definition of family (for us, at least). Using just DE sends a more mixed message (like, genes don't matter and you're still Mom's child, but they kind of do, so we still wanted Dad's sperm). I'm still puzzling through all of this personally but I would welcome an opportunity to work with someone like OP to complete our family. (and I'm Jewish, so I appreciate the perspective of using a Christian agency when you're not actually Christian).

that's entirely too neat a viewpoint. yes, OP is commendable for deciding to donate to another family; but she's donating to a family that could afford to make their own embryos, so she's not actually giving them the "opportunity to be parents." and it's just a fantasy to think that OP can mitigate now any potential trauma caused by the adoption. she'd have more integrity if she admitted she doesn't know what the risk is, but thinks that the benefits of the children being created outweigh the risks to the child.

she is saying exactly that.

Right - that's what I'm getting at. OP believes the embryos are people with a right to life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here.

Let's suppose that a child created from our embryos feels the typical stresses that go along with a standard baby adoption. Except in unusual circumstances, that child is better off alive than hanging out in a petri dish, being thawed, being used for science, or undergoing a compassionate transfer.

Life is stressful, and frequently we don't get to choose the burdens we bear. If I could wave a magic wand, perhaps I'd take away a future kid's possible pain from knowing we donated him as an embryo. But I only have my inner guide that tells me that a future kid would appreciate being given a chance at life, even if that life involved some psychological discomfort.

In short: The donation may mean emotional pain for the future kid, and I'm OK with that because the kid will get a chance to live.

Am I getting to the heart of your question?

I'm an adoptive parent and as such, have read a lot about the pain some children who were adopted go through. It seems to be a minority viewpoint but I have read more than once about kids who felt they would rather have been aborted. In fact, I have a friend who was adopted who has such conflicting feelings she has said she wishes she'd never been born. Although she's an adoptive parent also so I truly don't understand exactly where she's coming from, but it's easy to see that the adoption (or rather, the relinquishment) has led to a lot of pain. She has recently (over 50 years old) learned about her birth family but has refused to contact them. It's tough. There are no easy answers. Don't know if this is at all analogous to donated embryos but it is quite facile to think you know how the future kids will fee.